thogging and learning

i can't blog because i haven't blogged so i can't blog.  Instead, I think of a few things a day I would like to blog about (thogging) and then don't do it because if it's not about the girls then I feel guilty not updating them first and if it is about the girls, I want to get it right.  I am well aware that no other posts have been so well thought out and multi-drafted -- in my imagination, I am much more on top of things.

So here is today's out of order, not most important, not anything really - thing.  Today I got to meet another mom and family from Nora's online playgroup  (more on that in a minute.)  In preparing for it I became nervous, as I do when meeting new people.  Am I too fat?  Too silly?  Not smart enough?  But mostly, I worry about my speech impediment.  Like, what if they can't understand me?  Should I 'warn' her ahead of time?  Am I an ungrateful narcissist?  Am I being ridiculous?  My solution to this thought process was to call my two of my dearest friends and get their opinions.  This is, and always will be, the best solution to many a problem and  I'm lucky to have it.  Only this time it occurred to me that 1)They don't have a cleft palate and speech impediment, I do; and 2)If I was going to get precious time to talk to either one of them, I didn't necessarily want to waste it on such negative trivia.  So it is that at the age of almost 38, I figured out that I don't need a popular vote, approval, or social safety in order for a decision to be right for me.  I am sure that to most of you this is an obvious truth, but I am often sure that others know better or are in the very least laughing at me or judging me.  This is profound for me.  Even if everyone disagrees with me, I may still be doing just the thing I should.  Wow.

When I was pregnant with Nora, I joined an online 'expecting club.'  It was a group of ladies who, like me, were all due in October 2006.  Occasionally, it was helpful but I mostly found it clique-y and stupid.  When Nora was born 7 weeks early, I  found myself even further alienated from that group and checked out the September 2006 Expecting Club.  I immediately liked the group better.  Amazingly (or not), I am still in contact with many of these women.  I feel so lucky to be a part of something that so simply (but almost magically) just worked.  This has gone way beyond our initial bonding over pregnancy, delivery, and newborns -- these women have regularly made me laugh so hard I choke, been fun and snarky with me, gotten me through grief and loss, shared the tedium of every days, taught me about parenting, community, everyday home skills, life, generosity, strength, love and have, generally, made me a better person.  Four years later, I count them among some of my best friends.  Today marked the tenth woman I was able to meet in person.  Can't wait to make it more!