how does one sigh without an 's'?

i have so many unposted drafts that i feel silly knowing that i'll actually finish this one.  But it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.  Nora had her first playdate without me at a nonfamily member's home this morning.  The children had a wonderful time and even I survived (although I was more 'aware' of her absence than ever.)  The reason I did not accompany her is that the other child is painfully shy and we were hoping that they might have a better time if she didn't have to worry about unknown me.  What I love is that her mom approached me and said that her daughter is terribly shy and barely speaks at school, but when she gets home, she has tons and tons to say about Nora.  So fun to watch her navigate the world of 'others.'  On the way home, we discussed what she did with her new friend and how much fun she had.  And then we had this conversation:

Nora:  What do you fink she fought a you?
Me:  I don't know.  What do you think she thought of me?
Nora:  She pwobabwy fought you were different.
Me:  Oh yeah?  How am I different?
Nora:  You don't talk wike her mom.  I talk wike her but not you.
*oof*
Me:  You're right.  I do talk different from you and others.  It's one of the ways that people are different.

and on we went to another topic.  I have a cleft palate and lip and in addition to a very nasally voice, I have impediments all sorts of letters, but especially "s."  I've been waiting for this moment for most of my life.   And really, I'm proud that my daughter handled it kindly and directly.  And so it was fine.  Totally fine.  Except that I went from being in a really great groove over here to feeling like I might fall over from a need for sleep.  My brain knows so much more so much better than my body but my body wants to crawl into a dark tunnel and cry and cry.

fresh new week

i keep trying to find a way to sum up last week so that I can move beyond it and there just isn't a good way to do it.  It was an awful week and you know what?  Even in the midst of awful, I surely have so, so much to be forever grateful for.  I'm just going to list it here without all of the stories I'd like to include on each item.  Maybe another day, another time.

Sunday was the wake for our friends' baby daughter.
Monday Joe's mom text broke up with us.
Tuesday Nora swallowed a quarter and had to have an emergency procedure to remove it.
Wednesday we attended another wake.  This time for a dear friend's father.  He was one of the good guys.

That's all there is.  We are so blessed beyond any measure.

thogging and learning

i can't blog because i haven't blogged so i can't blog.  Instead, I think of a few things a day I would like to blog about (thogging) and then don't do it because if it's not about the girls then I feel guilty not updating them first and if it is about the girls, I want to get it right.  I am well aware that no other posts have been so well thought out and multi-drafted -- in my imagination, I am much more on top of things.

So here is today's out of order, not most important, not anything really - thing.  Today I got to meet another mom and family from Nora's online playgroup  (more on that in a minute.)  In preparing for it I became nervous, as I do when meeting new people.  Am I too fat?  Too silly?  Not smart enough?  But mostly, I worry about my speech impediment.  Like, what if they can't understand me?  Should I 'warn' her ahead of time?  Am I an ungrateful narcissist?  Am I being ridiculous?  My solution to this thought process was to call my two of my dearest friends and get their opinions.  This is, and always will be, the best solution to many a problem and  I'm lucky to have it.  Only this time it occurred to me that 1)They don't have a cleft palate and speech impediment, I do; and 2)If I was going to get precious time to talk to either one of them, I didn't necessarily want to waste it on such negative trivia.  So it is that at the age of almost 38, I figured out that I don't need a popular vote, approval, or social safety in order for a decision to be right for me.  I am sure that to most of you this is an obvious truth, but I am often sure that others know better or are in the very least laughing at me or judging me.  This is profound for me.  Even if everyone disagrees with me, I may still be doing just the thing I should.  Wow.

When I was pregnant with Nora, I joined an online 'expecting club.'  It was a group of ladies who, like me, were all due in October 2006.  Occasionally, it was helpful but I mostly found it clique-y and stupid.  When Nora was born 7 weeks early, I  found myself even further alienated from that group and checked out the September 2006 Expecting Club.  I immediately liked the group better.  Amazingly (or not), I am still in contact with many of these women.  I feel so lucky to be a part of something that so simply (but almost magically) just worked.  This has gone way beyond our initial bonding over pregnancy, delivery, and newborns -- these women have regularly made me laugh so hard I choke, been fun and snarky with me, gotten me through grief and loss, shared the tedium of every days, taught me about parenting, community, everyday home skills, life, generosity, strength, love and have, generally, made me a better person.  Four years later, I count them among some of my best friends.  Today marked the tenth woman I was able to meet in person.  Can't wait to make it more!

On the day after her 9th birthday, we visited the police station in the small town from which my mom had recently moved. We had to go because she told Mom that the 12-year-old girl (A) who had hung around that summer "raped" her. She doesn't really know what the word means and Mom didn't question her much beyond confirming that the girl had touched her in her private areas. Mom didn't want to needlessly interrogate her -- not knowing if she would have to be questioned by police officers. More importantly, she didn't seem to be telling so that she could rehash every detail. She wanted to tell the secret and know that Mom was not mad at her.


We celebrated her birthday thoroughly from morning to night and now today, we went to the police for guidance on how to handle this. Mom explained the situation to the officer. Our interest was twofold: How could we best protect and heal our girl? and How could the other girl be stopped from hurting other children and be given whatever help she needs? J. stopped playing with A. after this happened but she told Mom that A. would "look for her and find her" wherever she would ride her bike. The officer had openly ignored my mom's offer of her hand to shake when we came in, so I shouldn't have been surprised by his first question, "Is your daughter known for telling stories?" followed by "It's been a year and a half!" {Actually six months. Math is hard.} I explained to him that we understood that it was a touchy situation, that we weren't necessarily looking to convict the child, and that we were hoping for guidance on how to handle it correctly. He then told us that we should take J. to a medical doctor for an examination -- not that there would be any evidence but so that we would know whether there had been anything done -- to rest our minds. {Yes, officer. Putting her through further trauma will certainly put our little minds at ease.} After that, we should get her psychological help. {Ya' think?} I assured him that we would be seeking help for her but that our concern with him was how to best protect other children. He told us that this was the first time they had heard anything like this about A. and again expressed doubt about the story saying, "no one else has come in here about her." I told him that if they had perhaps we wouldn't have the story to tell. I asked him what he would do if it were his daughter and he said that he'd take her to a medical doctor for an exam, get psychological help, and go over to A.'s house and speak with her parents. I call bullshit on that. We asked him about the legal process and he explained that J. would be questioned by county officers who have been trained to work with children. He would be in the interview and would determine whether her story was true. He really emphasized that HE and not the other officers or anyone else would determine the truth. If he determines it is true, they will then pursue actions against A. In the end, we decided to go ahead and have the county officers work with her and will, of course, get her proper therapy. We now must wait to find out when the appointment will be scheduled. He indicated that it could be from a week away to a month away. {Does that seem like a strangely wide window to you?}

So now, we wait. And pray. And make our plan. We want the result to be that J. feels supported, loved, protected, and heard. We want her to know that we'd do anything for her and that she should be free from all secrets and shame. How do you make her free and safe when we couldn’t protect her?

thog life

i'm behind on this blog (among other things.) It's a vicious cycle -- I don't blog because I haven't blogged so I can't blog. Part of me thinks I should drop the blog if I'm going to turn it into a stressful thing to do but I really like having all of this information in one place and it's therapeutic sometimes to just put uncensored information out there. I mean, really, is there anything as self indulgent as my diary-all-about-me style of blogging? I love indulging though so I'm just going to brain dump here to feel 'caught up.' To my credit, I often think in blog form (really good blog form, I swear) and that should count for something... The term 'blinking' is already taken, so I'll call it 'thogging.' Goes perfectly with the tattoo I was considering...

{girls} I just am going to copy and paste some little items from Facebook statuses (stati?). I want to write my girls a letter each year of their life and have found the memories recorded here to be so helpful when writing them.

10.31.09 Awake. Looking at me. I swear she just smiled at me. ♥

11.08.09 I love it when Birdy laughs in her sleep ♥

11.12.09 I need time to stop for a bit. I blinked and she's three weeks old.

11.28.09 Playing with Nora. My pretend name is 'Alice.' Hers is 'pwetend refwigewator.'

11.28.09 Nora is for real cleaning for her pretend party

12.16.09 Birdy slept five hours IN A ROW!

12.20.09 Nora just declared 'Christmas in Washington' to be boring.

12.22.09 2 months old and full of gummy smiles ♥

01.06.10 On our first outing without diapers (for Nora, at least)!!!!

01.06.10 Evidently God has repeatedly asked Nora to 'keep an eye on Her cat.' Oh, and Her cat's name is Ellie - in case you were wondering.

01.09 Birdy slept through the night, 10p - 6:30a, and then slept from 8a - 12p. Let's hope she has found a love of sleep matched only by my own. ♥

01.13.10 Nora, Age 3, "I'm going to pee in the shower... because that's what people do."

01.15.10 Nora Quote of the Day: "You're my dude. I love you, dude."

01.20.10 Birdy is teething already! Poor baby.

01.26.10 Nora tells Joe a Knock-Knock joke and then says, "Now you tell me one!" Joe says, "Knock Knock!" and Nora says, "Go Away!"

01.28.10 Birdy smiles and laughs the second I put the camera down!

01.31.10 Nora upon waking up this morning, "I'm get old like you dad. I'm getting old with all this sleeping."

02.09.10 I just told Nora to clean up her toys. She is reluctantly doing it while singing, "I love my dad! I love my dad!"

02.09.10 Nora told Joe that he is the 'pwoblem' and she is the 'lution' (solution).

Birdy's baptism (on 01.31.2010) went well. Y. and her family jumped through hoops to be there and it meant so much to have them there to celebrate with us. In true form, my worries that morning were all about how I looked, how much weight I haven't lost, and how much my lisp would come into play. (Should the word 'lisp' have an 's' in it?) I'm so glad to report that once we were there with family, friends, and community, all of that flew from my head and it was all about dedicating our sweet baby girl.

Birdy wore the same dress that Nora wore for her baptism (in picture in post below.) It's just a simple, regular dress, but it made me happy to see it worn again. It was just a wonderful day. Unbelievably, we didn't get a family snapshot. Joe took a couple of shots of guests at our home -- I'll have to check them out and see if any have good shots of Birdy or Nora.
I've been helping my mom sort through her basement at the new house. The basement is full of things to be unpacked, organized, sold, or donated. Last week we found my baby Joey doll and my seven dwarfs. Nora has been having a blast with them.

As you can see, Joey was inspired by Archie Bunker's grandson and is anatomically correct. My parents bought it as a joke for one of my older sisters and she hated it. No worries, though, I was right there to scoop him up and love him. And now Nora has taken the torch. I'll have to take a picture of ours because his hair is all matted giving him a major receding hairline to compliment his charming looks.

{homekeeping} This leads me to the question~ what toys will you keep for your children? I will keep an obvious toys (favorite baby dolls, etc.) and I guess I'd keep any toys I deem good to keep around for visiting children. How do you decide? I don't want boxes of unused toys, but I am finding it fun to discover my old toys and share them with Nora.

My quest to find a homekeeping method that fits my insanity is continuing. I'm finding FlyLady to be very helpful. I used her methods after Nora was born and I was dealing with postpartum depression. This time is different as I'm not going back to work and need to find a different sort of groove. I've only gone as far as Day 4 (for weeks now) and am just trying to incorporate those concepts into my everyday -- I'll move on once these are well ensconced into my routine. These are not yer exact steps but my hybrid concepts are: prepare what you can the night before, take care of the little things as they occur, note how things flow best, and start the day off ready for anything (showered, dressed, makeup, whatever you need in order to possibly walk out the door). I especially like her 15 minute assignments. When I'm overwhelmed or unsure where to start, it is shocking how much can be done in just 15 minutes. Setting the timer and GOING always results in awesome stuff.

My goal is to have a kickass routine that flexes without stressing me out. Right now, it seems that Mondays and Fridays are great for getting all the laundry done and getting the house in order either prepping for or recovering from fun, relaxed family weekends. I feel dumb for putting this here because I know that most everyone does much more than I do in a day without the drama or imbalance. But it's my blog, damn it, and I need to get something rolling here.

Monday: Laundry, Bedding, Cleaning, Vacuuming Tuesday: Errands/Playdates/Creative Endeavors Wednesday: Have Mom over so that I can go volunteer or work on special projects at home. Thursday: Library Storytime then lunch and afternoon with Mom Friday: Laundry, Cleaning, Vacuuming, Meal Planning Daily: at least one load of laundry, dishes, litterbox, straightening, bills, picking up -- where does grocery shopping fit?

I'm learning that clean enough really is enough. I have a real love of having EVERYTHING done at the same time. That is just not currently realistic; nor is it balanced. If I ever go back to the work world (after the girls go back to school? what will i do?), I will get a cleaning service so that I can enjoy that everything is clean feeling without giving up time with the girls. But for now I need to remember that Birdy won't always be a tiny little baby who nurses every other minute of the day ~ and because it won't last I should just soak it all up and know that everything else will fall into place in time.

{totally random me stuff} On top of the regular February blahs, I have hair falling out by the truckload. I remember this from having Nora, but forgot how MUCH hair. It's just what I need when I'm feeling fat, pale, and depressed. I'm considering going tanning a couple of times just for that feeling of the sun. I swore off being a tanimal after Nora was born, but this is more like therapy for S.A.D. :P

Nursing Birdy has been the most wonderful experience for me. Nora was born at 33 weeks and my milk barely ever came in. She was in NICU and I was pumping every couple of hours day and night. I would only get an ounce or two each pumping session. Couple all of that with PPD and it just became impossible. This time around, it has been easy going and wonderful. I just can't say enough about how much I'm enjoying it all. The bonding, the convenience, the two of us... all of it. That said, my boobs are crizazy huge and I'm getting worried about them post breastfeeding. The are ridiculous and so ugly to me. The biggest nursing bra I could get was and I/J and I'm busting out of that. Before breastfeeding, they were about an F -- which was more than I'd like and now? Blech. Its worth it but I'm seriously considering a reduction once Birdy is done breastfeeding.

{stuff} Winter has brought its normal gift of dry, itchy skin. Here's what I'm loving:

Cetaphil for my face. It cleanses so gently and is so affordable.

Lush Sympathy for the Skin. Best. Cream. Ever.

punches, sabotage, and redemption

i have eleventy drafts of this post and am determined to get it out even if its incomplete and imperfect. Self sabotage and redemption are recurring themes in my life and the other day, another one of my phone conversations with m. led to the topic. She was saying that she understood the draw of physical contact sports like boxing or football -- that she bets the hit feels good in a psychic sort of way. Like you know its coming and you know you deserve (or at least are going to get) something, so its just nice to get it over with. This resonates deep within me. Now m. has somehow never seen Fight Club; this led to a discussion of the popularity of sparring/kickboxing/etc. classes for women and whether a women's fight club might be just the thing. I can't really do our conversation justice but will just examine a few points that stuck with me...

If you took your 'beating' physically, would you be less likely to put up with emotional or psychological garbage from others? This starts with the assumption that you believe you deserve or need or something negativity/difficulty/abuse. It sounds so obvious in black and white, but the truth is that I do believe it. And another truth is that when I've left various kickboxing/self defense/sparring classes, I've felt invincible. Not just physically. This feeling doesn't come from my yoga or step aerobics classes. {disclaimer: it has been years since I've attended ANY of these classes; lest I mislead you.}
Now, this is sick, but this is my true observation, as well: Repeatedly, abuse and negativity have, for a lack of a better way to describe it, brought out the best in me. It primitively frees me to be the best I can be. I told you it was sick so don't look at me like that. This freedom to be my best leads me to what I think my actual issue is: REDEMPTION. Do I believe I deserve bad things so much that getting them is a sweet relief that allows me to go on and become something good? Here's a self-sabotage example: I have always struggled with food/weight issues. Certain foods are like wonderful punishments for me -- double stuff oreos fit into this category. They're horrible for your body, destroy any diet you might try, and are delicious. Except I need to eat them until my stomach hurts. Like HAVE to do that. If they are in the house, I have to eat them until I hurt -- but then? Oh, that moment when I can throw the package away! It makes me want to be light, and good, and clean, and accomplished, and creative, and, and, and... Another example: I've been struggling with some things that I've never really struggled with in the past. Things like homekeeping. Could it be that I am not driven to prove how good I am without the presence of an abusive husband or boss? Finally, I have not one abuser in my life and suddenly, I'm tripping over things that have, in the past, been my strong suit. When I was married to prick, I kept a perfect home, never ran out of groceries, and made meals without the frozen feeling it all gives me now. Now things are taken care of, but without the energetic drive I had before. What gives?
If this makes no sense its alright with me. I just need to figure this out somehow.

celebrate ruminate appreciate seal your fate

i love simplemom. So bear with me for one more interview from her site -- I found the other one clarifying.
1. What skill do you most want to learn this year?
I want to find and adopt a home management technique that really works for us. I am trying FLYLady right now and will move on to other systems if this one doesn't fit. I no longer want to spend time feeling guilty about the house not being perfect -- or even worse, spend time NOT doing something I think I should do so that the time is a double loss.
2. What is one skill you already have that you’d like to improve this year?
Really enjoying the good stuff.
3. Name three books you most definitely want to read in 2009.
'Love in Infant Monkeys' by Lydia Millet, 'Imperfect Birds' by Anne LaMott (can't wait for this one!), and 'Dry' by Augusten Burroughs
4. In what specific area do you most want to encourage your spouse? What are some ways you can do this?
He works very hard and I would like to be more supportive of his career aspirations and what it takes to attain them. I can do this by having the house running smoothly, appreciating his hard work, and encouraging him.
5. Think of one of your major life goals. What will you do this year to make you one step closer to reaching that goal?
My major life goals have all taken detours. I'm no longer sure where I want to land.
6. Name your kids’ biggest strengths. What are some ways you can specifically nourish those strengths?
Nora's strengths include how hardworking she is, her independence, creativity, and determination. I can offer more opportunities for her to try new things that stimulate her traits and expose her to possible new strengths.
Birdy is a good cuddler and I'd be more than happy to cuddle her all she can take.
7. Name your kids’ most prominent weakness. What are some ways you can encourage their ability to overcome it?
I feel blind to their weaknesses. I suppose that Nora is quite stubborn and can be inflexible. I can work on giving her tools to express her frustrations and to find acceptable solutions in situations where she does not want to flex.
8. What is one of your strengths? Think of some specific ways you can exercise it this year.
I'm good at leading things I am passionate about. I can join/start something at church. I can work hard to keep my heart open in all relationships so that I don't miss opportunities.
9. What is one of your weaknesses? Brainstorm some ideas on how you can overcome this deficiency.
My depression is a huge weakness. I can keep seeing the doctor and keep taking medications. But what I'd really hope for is finding my place on this earth again and enjoying health.
10. Think of an important relationship aside from your spouse and children. How will you nurture that relationship this year?
I pick Mom. I will work to support her and listen to her without an agenda of my own.
11. Name a few ways your physical health could be improved.
I could lose weight, become more active, and go to bed earlier.
12. Name a few ways your family’s financial health could be improved.
We could spend less, save up for some specific goals, and pay off debts.
13. In what way do you want to draw closer to God?
I want to fully trust Him and His grace. I could be more prayerful and less willful.
14. What is one area of home management that frustrates you? Think of some specific ways you could improve your attitude about it.
Grocery shopping and cooking dinner. I need to let go of my previous life (a lifetime ago) where my efforts were mistreated and learn to perform these tasks joyfully. OR figure out how to delegate them...
15. Have you ever created a family mission statement with your spouse? If so, why not do one for this year?
We need to do one for just the four of us. We've had one when we had no children and have created drafts for our family with Jordan and with Denise. It's time we have our own. As I reflect upon my reluctance to do so, I'm realizing that my symptoms of depression make me feel as though I cannot do what is 'right' or will fail Joe and the girls. One of my goals must be to find proper treatment --medication, if necessary-- to make the symptoms have less power in my life.
16. Name one specific thing you could do with your spouse this year that will deepen your intimacy.
Go away with him overnight. Support him in pursuing a hobby or class outside of our family.
17. What is something that is continually undone in your life? What will you do to fully complete it this year?
Our scrapbooks. I need to either catch up or let them go.
18. In what ways will you be involved with your local community?
Church, activities for Nora, and once Birdy is a bit older, volunteering for the local shelter.
19. What is one thing you’d like to accomplish by your birthday this year?
A smoothly running home.
20. Think of three words you’d like to describe your 2010.
Energetic, Organized, and Joyful.

nye ruminations

thanks to simplemom

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
The birth of our second daughter, Roberta Layne Mays.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Losing Dad.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
Tied between quitting my horrid job and Mom moving to our town and joining our church.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
Dealing with legal issues surrounding horrid job and BDSatan.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009.
Growth, Grief, Joy

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).
Sad, Great, Important

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).
Challenging, Sad, Joyful

8. What were the best books you read this year?
"Push" by Sapphire, "The Shack" by William Young, "The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan, "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen, I also guiltily and deliciously enjoyed the Sookie Series by Charlaine Harris.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
With Joe, Nora, and Birdy. Also with this blog and my cherished friends who read it. There were times when I really leaned on you. Thank you so much for the support and wisdom and laughter.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Learning to be here without Dad.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
Maybe this year was about learning to stand. Learning to stand without Dad, standing up to BDSatan, standing up for myself and my children... standing.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
I'm learning to take more leaps of faith and to rest in grace.


13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
After having a disappointing experience with my first try, I've had a wonderful breastfeeding experience with Birdy.


14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
I think I'm learning to dare to be just me.

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?
Managing family events, finances, and paperwork.


16. What was your most challenging area of home management?
Meal planning and grocery shopping.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
This computer.


18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
Any time spent with family -- especially the girls.

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
That I just may be enough.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.
A year of great loss and even greater blessings.

the shack

so i read it... and liked it more than I anticipated. It's easy reading and I'm not sure if it was pregnancy hormones or the book, but I actually cried a considerable bit. Here's one of my favorite parts from the book:

In response to the main character questioning God about why he has so much fear in his life:
"Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it; but you don't know it."

That really resonates with me. Because we do find it easy to believe we're not good enough, that's we're sinful, unworthy and fail at every turn... it's much harder to believe that we're THAT lovable or THAT loved. What if we are?

a little bit of ketchup

just some random catching up so that i can go on to normal posting again one day... I had to deal with still more legal stuff regarding my former employment. I can't really talk much about it but having the latest inevitable hurdle crossed is a relief and hopefully, the stress will start to diminish. It's all very draining.

Some Nora stuff:

Nora can beat box. And she thinks she rocks at it, too. I thank Biz Markie from Yo Gabba Gabba.

She told me I should have my eyebrows grow together.

Progress in big sister land… she told me today she had plenty of room in her bedroom for Birdy’s crib. And that she’d make it comfy.

Nora loves spending parts of her days naked. She'll say "I be naked for a wittle bit." Her naked time has expanded from about a half hour a day to 2-3 hours (or longer) when we don’t have to be anywhere. One of the positive side effects is that (as long as we don't talk about it) she is naked potty trained.

During my meeting yesterday, Joe took Nora to Millennium Park. There, they saw 'the Bean' -- everyone calls it that for obvious reasons. Everyone except Nora, who calls it the big Donut.

its not a matter of if, but when

this little phrase has kept me up all night. Somewhere, someone told us something unpleasant about birth or pregnancy or labor or breastfeeding or something. I remember my eyes getting big and looking at Joe and saying HOW DID WE NOT KNOW THIS... And now I can't recall what it is. Unfortunately, I can't stop thinking about it either... I'm off to conduct what I'm sure will turn out to be fruitless, yet horrible internet searches.

some honest scrap

“The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

HEF, from Spewage, passed this award on to me (and Christine). Here are my ten honest things about me in no particular order...

1) I don't know what I'm doing and worry that I'll just run out of time before I figure anything out. For real. I don't have a 'vision', viable mission statement, or long-term goals. I want to be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter and sister.

2) I won the family lottery. For reals. It's insanely unfair who I get to count as family and I'm eternally grateful.

3) I worry that we'll never have enough financially and then upon reflection realize that I don't really care. I think I care about losing a game that others think is important. And that's sillier than playing the game. Yet, here I am.

4) I have a limitless capacity for sleep. I'm not sure what my limit would be as I've never apparently neared my saturation point.

5) You know how we often say things about past negative experiences forming who we are today -- in someway embracing the experiences? I don't subscribe to that. Maybe we'd all be that much more fabulous for not having some of our negative experiences. I think I'd have more trust, less shame, and more confidence.

6) I was thinking the other day about what one thing I could change that would most greatly improve my life. I have a lisp speech impediment and if I could become confident despite the fact that people struggle to understand me at times, it would open doors. There are situations that I could really shine in if I could only speak.

7) It's totally unfair, considering my family lottery winnings, but I also have incredible, incredible friends. Like people who I can tell my whole truth to and still be loved and supported.

8) I no longer watch the news. It makes me sad and I am not sure that it edifies me in any way. My only news comes from Google headlines, NPR Radio news, Salon.com, the Sunday paper, and the occasional browse through cnn.com.

9) I want to learn guitar but all past/current attempts have shown my lack of willingness to put any effort into it. What does that mean? I mean, I really do want to learn it. I swear.

10) I love tall people hands. This may be because I have short people, chubby hands. They are square'ish -- reminiscent of Fred Flintstone. I'd bet that learning to love my own hands would be a good thing for me. Or, if that's not an option, ending my hand envy of the talls out there.

Ten honest things were not easy for me. Choosing just two people to pass this along to was even more difficult. Maybe everyone should do this post (hint hint). Should they choose to accept it, I now pass this esteemable award onto:

Steph

Alina

is it juvie or juvey?

i had sort of planned on a life where i wouldn't really need to know how to spell it. However, this morning we learned that Jordan is in juvenile detention for 18 days for beating another boy up badly. What we really learned, though, is that the family has been lying to us over they year that he has been home. We've been told that his grades aren't that good but that everything is going okay. I don't think they put you in detention for your first offense. My MIL told Joe that he has made his own choices and that at some point you have to let go of them... he's fifteen. It all makes me want to cry and throw up and yell and cry. We are waiting on information to see if we can visit him tomorrow and hope to regain custody of him asap. I will update when I know something.

i heart my crockpot.

this is cooking right now in crockpot, the kitchen is clean, and the dishes are running in the dishwasher. My house smells yummy, I'm going to have lunch and spend the afternoon with my BFF, AND my husband will be ever so pleasantly surprised by dinner. I followed most of the directions from the crockpot lady -- adapting it do what we had around. I'll update after we have it to confirm it's suspected deliciousness.

Alina did me a huge favor and clued me in to calling my doctor to check on my antidepressant dosage. I do have a lot going on and my dad did just die -- that said, I've been SO overwhelmed. I'm thrown off if I have to shift gears and if the phone rings, it fills my heart with a mix of despair and anxiety. (The phone thing is normally my first clue of depression.) I'm so excited to have been given the clue before it got any worse. I could have wasted the beautiful summer feeling off before I recognized the signs. I'm in my second trimester so I'm hoping we can do the adjustments as cautiously as possible. I'm going to make our appt for 3D ultrasound before I leave the house today -- the doc gave her referral so if Birdybean cooperates, we'll know her/his gender in early June in addition to checking out the palate and such.

Something nice before I close: Nora told me yesterday that I was her favorite girl. Heaven.

miscellany.

i have nothing specific to record but am getting out of the habit so am forcing a post. No need to read -- perhaps I should start a label for that. Just so you'll know. This weekend , we had three first communions. Very sweet (and very long and boring). It was good to see everyone and we even fit in a 'date' to go see Joel McHale. Chris Porter (from Last Comic Standing) opened for him. Both were very funny.

Joe and I laughed the whole time - what fun! We must remember to go out just the two of us even though it seems like a ton of work to make it happen. It just makes me like him more and more.

I've been missing my dad something terrible. Yesterday I had good cry when we drove by the funeral home. It's so hard to feel this pain and then know that everyone you love is feeling it too. It just seems like too much. I keep reaching for some cosmic feeling that he's here with me or at least he's happy beyond understanding.... nothing is what I grasp. I just want my dad back. In the simplest and most primal way, I want my daddy.

Last Friday, Nora and I got to hear Birdybean's heartbeat again. It was in the 150's. The heartrate old wives' tale and the Chinese Gender Chart both indicate that Birdybean is a girl. I can't wait to find out. I got a referral to the ultrasound specialist so we should be able to find out the gender in the beginning of June. Nisey really doesn't care for the name, "Birdy" so she insists that this child must be a boy to save it from this name. When I told her about the Chinese chart she replied, "Well, we're not Chinese."

Tonight, we're all going to see a few houses with my mom. One of them is a possible contender so we're going to see what the girls think about it. Should be fun as I always love hearing their perspectives.

i have no voice

and i like it. That sounds and feels sick to me, but it's true. It's a relief to take no phone calls -- to be so unreachable. I don't have to call the attorney. I don't have to do anything more than email for work. I'm off the hook on some personal obligations. My life is currently so out of my control that I relish something that disables me. This can't be right. But it sure is peaceful.

feeling the wind

oh, there's so much to post that i really don't know where to begin. Between missing Dad, keeping tabs on my mom and sisters, and being sick most of last and this week... what I really didn't need was for my work stress to evolve into legal stress. But it did after all these years... Y. thinks that perhaps frogs might rain upon our home or my hair might fall out next. I wouldn't be surprised. I won't write about it here unless I start securing the blog but my point is this: Right now, I feel extremely stressed and stretched to my limits in every way. This afternoon, I wanted to curl up in bed after work but Nora (my new NO NAP Nora) wanted to go out into the cool breezy gray day. As we sat playing in the sandbox, she sang and laughed and I prayed and just felt the moment. And it was good. All will be well.

prometrium to the rescue

my hcg beta levels came back good but my progesterone level is low. The Dr. wrote a prescription for Prometrium which I will start taking tonight. I will have another blood test tomorrow and then an appt on Friday. Doc said that the situation is 'cautiously optimistic' and I'll take that. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and magazines and candy and work and, and, and.

its amazing what you forget

well, i went to the doctor's office this morning and they drew blood to get hcg levels. Results should arrive tomorrow or the next day. (possible 48 HOURS. ugh. i'm hoping for much less) Still spotting, but still not doing anything more than spotting, so I've put myself on modified bedrest with a good book as I can't get any work done until I know. What amazes me is that Y., C., M., and my mom all remember cramping and spotting with my last pregnancy - I barely remember anything of the like. C. even remembers that my blood test showed poor hcg levels and still, Miss N is here. I will hold out hope due to their memories. And a lack of good options.
In addition to this, hospice is trying to remove my dad's bipap machine (which will kill him much faster) and sadly, I just learned that my best little Nisey has started cutting herself. Oh my poor baby. Tomorrow I will tackle the world. Today I just don't have it in me.

out damned spot

i've been spotting all day. Nothing huge, but it has been all day and now I have some cramping. Y. reminded me that I had some spotting with my last pregnancy and I'm just hoping and praying that it's going to be ok. We told my dad yesterday that we were naming the baby after him girl or boy and I just can't bear to think of telling anyone in my family about anymore loss.

'Specially me.