thogging and learning

i can't blog because i haven't blogged so i can't blog.  Instead, I think of a few things a day I would like to blog about (thogging) and then don't do it because if it's not about the girls then I feel guilty not updating them first and if it is about the girls, I want to get it right.  I am well aware that no other posts have been so well thought out and multi-drafted -- in my imagination, I am much more on top of things.

So here is today's out of order, not most important, not anything really - thing.  Today I got to meet another mom and family from Nora's online playgroup  (more on that in a minute.)  In preparing for it I became nervous, as I do when meeting new people.  Am I too fat?  Too silly?  Not smart enough?  But mostly, I worry about my speech impediment.  Like, what if they can't understand me?  Should I 'warn' her ahead of time?  Am I an ungrateful narcissist?  Am I being ridiculous?  My solution to this thought process was to call my two of my dearest friends and get their opinions.  This is, and always will be, the best solution to many a problem and  I'm lucky to have it.  Only this time it occurred to me that 1)They don't have a cleft palate and speech impediment, I do; and 2)If I was going to get precious time to talk to either one of them, I didn't necessarily want to waste it on such negative trivia.  So it is that at the age of almost 38, I figured out that I don't need a popular vote, approval, or social safety in order for a decision to be right for me.  I am sure that to most of you this is an obvious truth, but I am often sure that others know better or are in the very least laughing at me or judging me.  This is profound for me.  Even if everyone disagrees with me, I may still be doing just the thing I should.  Wow.

When I was pregnant with Nora, I joined an online 'expecting club.'  It was a group of ladies who, like me, were all due in October 2006.  Occasionally, it was helpful but I mostly found it clique-y and stupid.  When Nora was born 7 weeks early, I  found myself even further alienated from that group and checked out the September 2006 Expecting Club.  I immediately liked the group better.  Amazingly (or not), I am still in contact with many of these women.  I feel so lucky to be a part of something that so simply (but almost magically) just worked.  This has gone way beyond our initial bonding over pregnancy, delivery, and newborns -- these women have regularly made me laugh so hard I choke, been fun and snarky with me, gotten me through grief and loss, shared the tedium of every days, taught me about parenting, community, everyday home skills, life, generosity, strength, love and have, generally, made me a better person.  Four years later, I count them among some of my best friends.  Today marked the tenth woman I was able to meet in person.  Can't wait to make it more!

thog life

i'm behind on this blog (among other things.) It's a vicious cycle -- I don't blog because I haven't blogged so I can't blog. Part of me thinks I should drop the blog if I'm going to turn it into a stressful thing to do but I really like having all of this information in one place and it's therapeutic sometimes to just put uncensored information out there. I mean, really, is there anything as self indulgent as my diary-all-about-me style of blogging? I love indulging though so I'm just going to brain dump here to feel 'caught up.' To my credit, I often think in blog form (really good blog form, I swear) and that should count for something... The term 'blinking' is already taken, so I'll call it 'thogging.' Goes perfectly with the tattoo I was considering...

{girls} I just am going to copy and paste some little items from Facebook statuses (stati?). I want to write my girls a letter each year of their life and have found the memories recorded here to be so helpful when writing them.

10.31.09 Awake. Looking at me. I swear she just smiled at me. ♥

11.08.09 I love it when Birdy laughs in her sleep ♥

11.12.09 I need time to stop for a bit. I blinked and she's three weeks old.

11.28.09 Playing with Nora. My pretend name is 'Alice.' Hers is 'pwetend refwigewator.'

11.28.09 Nora is for real cleaning for her pretend party

12.16.09 Birdy slept five hours IN A ROW!

12.20.09 Nora just declared 'Christmas in Washington' to be boring.

12.22.09 2 months old and full of gummy smiles ♥

01.06.10 On our first outing without diapers (for Nora, at least)!!!!

01.06.10 Evidently God has repeatedly asked Nora to 'keep an eye on Her cat.' Oh, and Her cat's name is Ellie - in case you were wondering.

01.09 Birdy slept through the night, 10p - 6:30a, and then slept from 8a - 12p. Let's hope she has found a love of sleep matched only by my own. ♥

01.13.10 Nora, Age 3, "I'm going to pee in the shower... because that's what people do."

01.15.10 Nora Quote of the Day: "You're my dude. I love you, dude."

01.20.10 Birdy is teething already! Poor baby.

01.26.10 Nora tells Joe a Knock-Knock joke and then says, "Now you tell me one!" Joe says, "Knock Knock!" and Nora says, "Go Away!"

01.28.10 Birdy smiles and laughs the second I put the camera down!

01.31.10 Nora upon waking up this morning, "I'm get old like you dad. I'm getting old with all this sleeping."

02.09.10 I just told Nora to clean up her toys. She is reluctantly doing it while singing, "I love my dad! I love my dad!"

02.09.10 Nora told Joe that he is the 'pwoblem' and she is the 'lution' (solution).

Birdy's baptism (on 01.31.2010) went well. Y. and her family jumped through hoops to be there and it meant so much to have them there to celebrate with us. In true form, my worries that morning were all about how I looked, how much weight I haven't lost, and how much my lisp would come into play. (Should the word 'lisp' have an 's' in it?) I'm so glad to report that once we were there with family, friends, and community, all of that flew from my head and it was all about dedicating our sweet baby girl.

Birdy wore the same dress that Nora wore for her baptism (in picture in post below.) It's just a simple, regular dress, but it made me happy to see it worn again. It was just a wonderful day. Unbelievably, we didn't get a family snapshot. Joe took a couple of shots of guests at our home -- I'll have to check them out and see if any have good shots of Birdy or Nora.
I've been helping my mom sort through her basement at the new house. The basement is full of things to be unpacked, organized, sold, or donated. Last week we found my baby Joey doll and my seven dwarfs. Nora has been having a blast with them.

As you can see, Joey was inspired by Archie Bunker's grandson and is anatomically correct. My parents bought it as a joke for one of my older sisters and she hated it. No worries, though, I was right there to scoop him up and love him. And now Nora has taken the torch. I'll have to take a picture of ours because his hair is all matted giving him a major receding hairline to compliment his charming looks.

{homekeeping} This leads me to the question~ what toys will you keep for your children? I will keep an obvious toys (favorite baby dolls, etc.) and I guess I'd keep any toys I deem good to keep around for visiting children. How do you decide? I don't want boxes of unused toys, but I am finding it fun to discover my old toys and share them with Nora.

My quest to find a homekeeping method that fits my insanity is continuing. I'm finding FlyLady to be very helpful. I used her methods after Nora was born and I was dealing with postpartum depression. This time is different as I'm not going back to work and need to find a different sort of groove. I've only gone as far as Day 4 (for weeks now) and am just trying to incorporate those concepts into my everyday -- I'll move on once these are well ensconced into my routine. These are not yer exact steps but my hybrid concepts are: prepare what you can the night before, take care of the little things as they occur, note how things flow best, and start the day off ready for anything (showered, dressed, makeup, whatever you need in order to possibly walk out the door). I especially like her 15 minute assignments. When I'm overwhelmed or unsure where to start, it is shocking how much can be done in just 15 minutes. Setting the timer and GOING always results in awesome stuff.

My goal is to have a kickass routine that flexes without stressing me out. Right now, it seems that Mondays and Fridays are great for getting all the laundry done and getting the house in order either prepping for or recovering from fun, relaxed family weekends. I feel dumb for putting this here because I know that most everyone does much more than I do in a day without the drama or imbalance. But it's my blog, damn it, and I need to get something rolling here.

Monday: Laundry, Bedding, Cleaning, Vacuuming Tuesday: Errands/Playdates/Creative Endeavors Wednesday: Have Mom over so that I can go volunteer or work on special projects at home. Thursday: Library Storytime then lunch and afternoon with Mom Friday: Laundry, Cleaning, Vacuuming, Meal Planning Daily: at least one load of laundry, dishes, litterbox, straightening, bills, picking up -- where does grocery shopping fit?

I'm learning that clean enough really is enough. I have a real love of having EVERYTHING done at the same time. That is just not currently realistic; nor is it balanced. If I ever go back to the work world (after the girls go back to school? what will i do?), I will get a cleaning service so that I can enjoy that everything is clean feeling without giving up time with the girls. But for now I need to remember that Birdy won't always be a tiny little baby who nurses every other minute of the day ~ and because it won't last I should just soak it all up and know that everything else will fall into place in time.

{totally random me stuff} On top of the regular February blahs, I have hair falling out by the truckload. I remember this from having Nora, but forgot how MUCH hair. It's just what I need when I'm feeling fat, pale, and depressed. I'm considering going tanning a couple of times just for that feeling of the sun. I swore off being a tanimal after Nora was born, but this is more like therapy for S.A.D. :P

Nursing Birdy has been the most wonderful experience for me. Nora was born at 33 weeks and my milk barely ever came in. She was in NICU and I was pumping every couple of hours day and night. I would only get an ounce or two each pumping session. Couple all of that with PPD and it just became impossible. This time around, it has been easy going and wonderful. I just can't say enough about how much I'm enjoying it all. The bonding, the convenience, the two of us... all of it. That said, my boobs are crizazy huge and I'm getting worried about them post breastfeeding. The are ridiculous and so ugly to me. The biggest nursing bra I could get was and I/J and I'm busting out of that. Before breastfeeding, they were about an F -- which was more than I'd like and now? Blech. Its worth it but I'm seriously considering a reduction once Birdy is done breastfeeding.

{stuff} Winter has brought its normal gift of dry, itchy skin. Here's what I'm loving:

Cetaphil for my face. It cleanses so gently and is so affordable.

Lush Sympathy for the Skin. Best. Cream. Ever.

lyle, lyle, lyle

and so it was time again for y and i to trek to hear the prophet/cowboy/philosopher/poet. And we saw all of it and declared it to be good. VERY good. Lyle Lovett appeared at Ravinia with his Large Band (included Francine Reed!) on Wednesday, July 22 and we were there to grin our silly selves right through it. It felt like coming home and the second they started to play I regretted every second I've lived not playing that music as my soundtrack. My dad made a habit of buying tickets for us girls each year and I'm so thankful that he did because we've learned that the scheduling, driving, etc. are worth the full souls that we return with. See ya' next year, Lyle.

Please ignore the crazy eyes. It's the only shot we took all night. Oh and Lyle totally prefers I wear no makeup. :P

edited to add: Birdy either LOVED or HATED the concert. I like to think it was loved. Her ears just developed to be able to hear outside noises more clearly and boy did she respond to Lyle. It still makes me laugh to think of all those kicks and maneuvers.

some honest scrap

“The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

HEF, from Spewage, passed this award on to me (and Christine). Here are my ten honest things about me in no particular order...

1) I don't know what I'm doing and worry that I'll just run out of time before I figure anything out. For real. I don't have a 'vision', viable mission statement, or long-term goals. I want to be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter and sister.

2) I won the family lottery. For reals. It's insanely unfair who I get to count as family and I'm eternally grateful.

3) I worry that we'll never have enough financially and then upon reflection realize that I don't really care. I think I care about losing a game that others think is important. And that's sillier than playing the game. Yet, here I am.

4) I have a limitless capacity for sleep. I'm not sure what my limit would be as I've never apparently neared my saturation point.

5) You know how we often say things about past negative experiences forming who we are today -- in someway embracing the experiences? I don't subscribe to that. Maybe we'd all be that much more fabulous for not having some of our negative experiences. I think I'd have more trust, less shame, and more confidence.

6) I was thinking the other day about what one thing I could change that would most greatly improve my life. I have a lisp speech impediment and if I could become confident despite the fact that people struggle to understand me at times, it would open doors. There are situations that I could really shine in if I could only speak.

7) It's totally unfair, considering my family lottery winnings, but I also have incredible, incredible friends. Like people who I can tell my whole truth to and still be loved and supported.

8) I no longer watch the news. It makes me sad and I am not sure that it edifies me in any way. My only news comes from Google headlines, NPR Radio news, Salon.com, the Sunday paper, and the occasional browse through cnn.com.

9) I want to learn guitar but all past/current attempts have shown my lack of willingness to put any effort into it. What does that mean? I mean, I really do want to learn it. I swear.

10) I love tall people hands. This may be because I have short people, chubby hands. They are square'ish -- reminiscent of Fred Flintstone. I'd bet that learning to love my own hands would be a good thing for me. Or, if that's not an option, ending my hand envy of the talls out there.

Ten honest things were not easy for me. Choosing just two people to pass this along to was even more difficult. Maybe everyone should do this post (hint hint). Should they choose to accept it, I now pass this esteemable award onto:

Steph

Alina

synergy and miscellany

{synergy}
that's what y. called it and that's what it is. Yesterday, we both tackled difficult appointments with an 8 year old and a 2 year old and a whole bunch of time in the car. And we rocked it. We rocked it so hard that after handling the appointments, we took the kids to lunch, returned stuff (always a hassle - at least for me) and did a little shopping. We were both home in time to make dinner for our families. Truthfully, Y. rocks at this pace all the time. But me? Any one of the items (especially the appointment at the attorney) would be enough for me to call it a day. It was wonderful and the kids had so much fun. Couldn't really ask for more. Maybe I should work on considering whatever get done in a day enough. What if it was enough?

Also, in light of my last post, Y. was observant and kind enough to remind me that I had been just fine before the latest IRS/lawyer stuff. It's amazing how quickly it seems like nothing is right and never has been and maybe never will be. Why am I so quick to doubt and blame myself? My lack of balanced perspective is disturbing to me. How do you guys keep an adult's broad perspective on things? Please do share.

{miscellany}
Nora was playing with a bus on the piano keys. I walked by and said, "No cars on the piano." Nora replied, "Dis notta car. Dis a coobus." Helpful cherub that she is, she then went and got a car and brought it to me and said, "Dis a car." I suspect that this is only the beginning of her knowing more than I do.


This morning, I said to Nora, "I see you're a bit argumentative today." She yelled, " NO I NOT!"

I was cuddling with her and told her I wished she could be little forever. She said, "Oh, mama." and promptly got up and started walking around the house on her tippy toes.

I am encouraged for Birdybean's future when I see Nora with her baby lately. She talks so tenderly to her (although she calls it a good boy, so maybe it's a him in pink clothing and nailpolish), rocks her, changes her. SO tender. If you don't count throwing her down the stairs regularly.


Thanks to Y's shopping genius, I finally found bedding for Nora's big girl bed. I had given up hope of finding something I really liked -- even when I removed cost from the equation, I was still coming up empty. I'm so happy to have found this Laura Ashely Fairies quilt. It's a nice muted pink (not as bright as the pic) and will look darling in her room. Bonus-Miss N likes it, too!
I'm going to start with Nora's mattress on the floor due mostly to my fears of her falling. Additionally, I'm not sure what kind of bed we will buy her. It really depends upon the gender of the so-far elusive Birdybean.

10 things that make me terribly happy

`a la the rockstar diaries

1. joe scratching my back
2. clean sheets and the time to devote to appreciating them
3. the anticipation of getting the mail
4. a long drive and this american life
5. mcdonald's diet coke, first press olive oil, and garden tomatoes
6. the peace i get from time with my y.
7. that moment when everything essential on the to do list is done
8. nora's belly and feet and well, just everything nora
9. feeling a baby kick, it's so private and wonderful
10. laughing with my mom and sisters

i heart my crockpot.

this is cooking right now in crockpot, the kitchen is clean, and the dishes are running in the dishwasher. My house smells yummy, I'm going to have lunch and spend the afternoon with my BFF, AND my husband will be ever so pleasantly surprised by dinner. I followed most of the directions from the crockpot lady -- adapting it do what we had around. I'll update after we have it to confirm it's suspected deliciousness.

Alina did me a huge favor and clued me in to calling my doctor to check on my antidepressant dosage. I do have a lot going on and my dad did just die -- that said, I've been SO overwhelmed. I'm thrown off if I have to shift gears and if the phone rings, it fills my heart with a mix of despair and anxiety. (The phone thing is normally my first clue of depression.) I'm so excited to have been given the clue before it got any worse. I could have wasted the beautiful summer feeling off before I recognized the signs. I'm in my second trimester so I'm hoping we can do the adjustments as cautiously as possible. I'm going to make our appt for 3D ultrasound before I leave the house today -- the doc gave her referral so if Birdybean cooperates, we'll know her/his gender in early June in addition to checking out the palate and such.

Something nice before I close: Nora told me yesterday that I was her favorite girl. Heaven.

feeling the wind

oh, there's so much to post that i really don't know where to begin. Between missing Dad, keeping tabs on my mom and sisters, and being sick most of last and this week... what I really didn't need was for my work stress to evolve into legal stress. But it did after all these years... Y. thinks that perhaps frogs might rain upon our home or my hair might fall out next. I wouldn't be surprised. I won't write about it here unless I start securing the blog but my point is this: Right now, I feel extremely stressed and stretched to my limits in every way. This afternoon, I wanted to curl up in bed after work but Nora (my new NO NAP Nora) wanted to go out into the cool breezy gray day. As we sat playing in the sandbox, she sang and laughed and I prayed and just felt the moment. And it was good. All will be well.

tributes

here is what was written and read by some of my us at Dad's funeral:


Denise, Age 14
A grandpa, a father, an uncle, and a friend. He stuck it out to the very end. In times of grief God brings us together. Like when today is rainy, tomorrow will be better. And if you didn't think that he was watching us while he was here, just think of how he's watching us now! Look up to the clouds and you'll see him smile. There's no need to drown yourself in your tears. And there's no need to frown because he's not here. So now I can say bye bye Daddy here on earth because God thinks that you finished your work here on earth. So don't be sad, smile, get glad. God couldn't have ever picked a better father to be in my life. My Daddy always did what was right, never wrong. I remember when he told me that I was strong and a strong woman I will be. And when I look up in the sky, Daddy will be smiling right at me. I cherish the days that I had with my father because you never know how much you loved him til you lost him. But I didn't lose anybody... I think we grew closer. Did you forget my Daddy was a soldier? So don't cry, here's a tissue wipe your eyes. Don't look down, look up high because my daddy's in the sky. In the end, everything will be okay. And no matter what I did in the past, he'll love me anyway. Even though I'm only fourteen, I know I'm young but you can see what a woman Daddy's made me to be. Because even though he might be gone, his love will still stay strong. So for everyone today, my daddy is still a grandpa, a father, an uncle, and a friend. And my daddy's love will never end.



Becca, Age 19, written on a coffee shop menu

I'm going to start out with some things Daddy used to say:

"Sarah's dad can do anything"

"If you don't shut the door, we're going to be heating the outside"

"Go ask your mother."

"What did your mother tell you?"

"You know you're my favorite, right?" (mind you, he said that to every one of us)

"Cheese and crackers!"

"Gimme some sugar"

"Tell me about your day"

They say that any man can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a daddy. My daddy was definitely a very special man. He was a kind, caring, hardworking, slow to anger, respectful, God fearing, and loving daddy.
He was also a fighter. He fought his sickness until the very end and even then left on his own terms -- at home, in his favorite chair, surrounded by his loving family. He always fought for what he felt was right. From making sure us kids had a proper home to getting our curfews extended or getting us ungrounded faster. He also tried his best to be a healer -- from band aids to broken hearts.
I have many memories of my daddy that I will cherish in my heart forever. I hope to someday find a man that is half the man my dad was and will remain to be in my heart. I love you, Daddy.

Joe, Age 39, notes for his speech
It is a joy and honor to be Bob's son-in-law. He has been an inspiration and role model
as a husband, father, and handyman.
He had an almost magical ability to get Lyle Lovett tickets at Ravinia -- where you could actually sit in chairs!
I had the good fortune of marrying his daughter on their 40th wedding anniversary where they renewed their vows.
This family is filled with his love and kindness. They welcome you with open arms and spirits.
His sense of humor is evident when Johna tells me jokes -- she knows which ones...
As far as a handyman he would always show incredible patience when I decided to "measure once and cut twice." He would be there to fix the problem. In his guidance and teaching, you might hear such things as, "Measure twice and cut once" which confused me because he would also say, "We're not building a piano here." Once I bent a nail with my hammer and he said, "Sure is windy in here!"
He also had a firm and sincere handshake. At the end of dinner prayer, he would always give your hand an extra squeeze.
Many of these things I'm passing to my daughter and nieces and nephews. Without his guidance, the projects will take twice as long and be half as fun. His beautiful family will always be a constant reminder of the most incredible and influential man I've ever known. I will always miss him dearly.

Mine, age 36, read by Y. bc I'm nowhere as brave as my little sisters, but she is.
When I was little (and even when I wasn't), my dad would fix the unfixable and find the unfindable. When a seemingly irreparable situation would present itself, he'd look at me and say, "Sarah's dad can do anything." (He also said this to each of my sisters, although oddly, he would change the saying to their name). I think Gina said it best that with Dad in the world, you knew that somebody had your back. It now feels unprotected and scary. He'd offer to mortgage the house to fund a dream or assure me that anyone who didn't think I was the best thing to come along was obviously blind and stupid. Now, I'm just not sure how we'll find our way without him. I don't know what to say to capture how loving he was and how loved he is. I can just share a few memories with you.

• When I was a kid, he'd draw up plans for 'playhouses' at my direction. Multiple story creations with classrooms, fire poles, slides, and gymnastic areas. He never once told me it couldn't be done.
• I think he told all of us that we're his favorite.
• He gave us EVERYTHING.
• He made up jokes. Funny or not, I love to think about him tossing them around in his mind.
• I love coins. A lot. And I love them because I would always find them while walking with Dad. I was an adult walking with Dad and my little sisters when I figured out he threw them ahead of us to find.
• He loved my mom. Like a LOT. Truly loved her.
• In the glint of his eyes, you could see the little boy that he had been.

There are too many wonderful memories to share here today. If a man's measure has anything to do with how many people count him as their 'Dad', then my Dad lived a full and wondrous life. I used to be jealous when friends told me they wished he was their dad I now am only proud and forever grateful.

prometrium to the rescue

my hcg beta levels came back good but my progesterone level is low. The Dr. wrote a prescription for Prometrium which I will start taking tonight. I will have another blood test tomorrow and then an appt on Friday. Doc said that the situation is 'cautiously optimistic' and I'll take that. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and magazines and candy and work and, and, and.

after all these years, gladys

forgive this discombobulated update. I am piecing together notes from the week.
Wednesday Night: Today we met with the director of palliative care to make arrangements for Dad to come home. Dad is resistant to having a hospital bed. Very resistant. While we want with all our hearts to accommodate his wishes, we must balance them with practicality and the state of my mom's back. We finally got it all settled and thought he would be sent home tomorrow via ambulance into a nice comfy hospital bed. In the afternoon he received his steroid treatment. He is on 'aggressive' steroid treatment and it makes him very agitated. This time was no exception. He was suddenly hitting his arms on the bed and then said, "After all these years, Gladys, this is how you're going to be? Well, I won't let you. I'm NOT having a hospital bed. AND the girls don't listen to me." Mom and I laughed which did not improve his mood. Funnily, when my mom told my sisters what he said about them listening, she said that they all replied at almost the same time that he must be talking about the NURSES.

On Thursday morning, we met with hospice and agreed to their care. The paperwork and logistics to do this are ridiculous. His O2 concentrator must be picked up by one company and replaced with the exact same thing by another company. Same with his bi-pap. Prescriptions are another confusing thing. It's just a lot in addition to understanding their philosophy and (not-so-impressive) methods. He was to be moved to the hospice unit at noon so that we could complete our training and get him home today. They finally moved him around 2:30 pm. This is not so, so late but after a week of disappointing news, this was a light at he end of the tunnel finally and any delays (unexplained and uncommunicated) were very frustrating for him and us. I should mention that on the same morning his general doctor stopped by and told my dad that he had anything from days to six weeks left. Considering that Dad didn't ask for this information and that the doctor isn't a specialist, this was poor bedside manner to say the lease. He really scared my dad and left him without much information.

When they took him down to hospice, they took him on a cart and Mom and I moved our cars because the wing is on the other side of the complex. When we got there, Dad was in his new room with the door shut and we were told that they were getting him settled. {you are about to find out why so many people die under hospice care} At one point, a nurse calmly asked me to check the set up of his bi-pap machine. I looked it over but said I'd get my mom because she knows the system and I do not. I got my mom and then my dad started to struggle. My mom looked at the system and said, "There's no oxygen hooked up!" We scrambled to get it for him and help him to calm down. Hospice gave him morphine. We questioned them on the lack of oxygen and were told that they weren't familiar with the system. I asked why they switched him over to a system they were unfamiliar with and got no response. We then decided that Mom would have to stay overnight. I must give Joe some major props here. He had just gotten home from work when I called him to ask him to take Nora to my mom's and figure out dinner with the girls. He did that, went over spelling words and bible verses, made sure baths were taken, and moved the cable system to the room that my dad will be in with a hospital bed. I am so thankful for him. Later, my pastor came by and offered us some comfort. He's such a good pastor and my dad really opened up to him. What a blessing. While talking, I asked my dad if he would give me a sign after he crosses over (as prompted by M.). He said that he would and when I asked what it would be he replied, "A twinkling in the night sky." Of course, I promptly said, "DAD! I see that every night! I need something that I'll KNOW!" He laughed and said he'll think about it. My pastor then told us that when we pass we are immediately with God and that he thinks this will make us even closer to the ones we can't bear to leave in that God is in all of us. He assured me that I would know the sign. A good thing about hospice care is that Dad can have whatever he wants to eat. He asked for a rootbeer float last night and I ran out to get it. He thoroughly enjoyed it. {Thanks to Y, he's coming home to his favorite famous beans.}

This morning while getting ready, Nora told me, "I want to be the little sister!" I suspect that this feeling comes from hanging out with Auntie Nisey last night. LOL - Nise never really got over Johna coming behind her... At hospice this morning, dad was doing well. A nurse came in to bathe Dad before going home. We went out to the waiting room and Mom wanted to discuss funeral arrangements. This is huge because my mom has been in a bit of denial. We talked about a few things - none of us have a clue how to do any of it or what it costs -- nothing big, just good that we talked. When we returned to his room, Dad looked good -- cleanshaven and such. Only... NO OXYGEN, again! For obvious reasons, I am more than pleased to tell you that Dad was brought home by ambulance and is resting comfortably. What a relief.

On the way home from the hospital today, I stopped at the store to pick up beer for Joe to have black and tans as a tiny little thank you for all that he's done these past few weeks. When I went up to the register, the owner had to look up the price. He told me that he never sells the 'expensive' beer anymore. I laughed and said what an indicator of the economy it was. He said, you're not kidding -- I have my regular Miller Light six pack guys who now have switched to Keystone.

While I don't know what comes next, I want to be sure that we take advantage of the time we have with Dad. I'm going to contact a local photographer to take pictures of all of us with Dad and will work with the girls to be sure that we all tell him whatever we need to or want to. If any of you have input on what to do next, I'm all ears and hearts and tears.

I will update on Nisey later. Thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes. They've meant the world. And Y, thank you for your famous beans. They make a Dad happy.

what will i be when i grow up?

for the longest time, all of my closest friends and i have been brainstorming on the proper career path for me. They'd say, "We just need to figure out how you can be paid for what you already do." "How do we get you paid per problem solved?" and on and on... I do such a strange mix of things for friends and family that I love doing. Financial organization and debt reduction planning, home organization, finding and hooking into existing resources, research, advertising layouts, life event planning, figuring out what to do next... Like I said, a strange little mix. While doing these things, I lose track of time and am so content. Lately, it's been spreading to friends of friends and family. I've now done financial planning (not investment advising, etc) for people I know only through emails. A few weeks ago Y. needed me to coordinate something for her and then stumbled upon a possibly perfect career option. Life Coach.

Try not to judge the woowoo title. I'm struggling with it. Anyhow, I've been spending my time reading and researching and next week, Y and I are going downtown to hear a woman speak about training, certification, and specializations in the field. Although I'm very excited, I feel so hesitant to post it here. Like something might change due to the power of blogger. Or maybe that by exposing my innermost hopes and power I'm trusting the universe more than I usually care to. Good lesson, I suppose.

an attitude of gratitude.

i've always loved those little sayings that you might find hanging in a grade school classroom. Things like 'attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.' Or 'gratitude is an attitude.' Trite or not, they stick with me.

So, its Thanksgiving and I've been working on experiencing prayerful gratitude each day. In light of all of my blessings, I am ashamed of how hard I find it to remember to do this. In thinking of what to list here, I waffle between the big things (family, safety, etc.) and the little things (riding the carousel with Nora today)... For me, the small things are a reflection of how great the big things are. There are no small things without the big things.

Today's list:

~grace and joy

~joe. could i have been any luckier?

~eleanor grace mays. the heart of my heart.

~a loving, involved and open family with whom i enjoy spending any holiday

~living near my best friend

~a church and community that i enjoy being a part of

~a new bed

~a comfortable home

~wonderful friends. beyond belief

~our cats. the neighbors goats and horses and chickens and cow

~the stars last night

~my sisters

~trips to the bookstore and library with nora and joe

~choices. i've been considering new homes, new careers, new futures... what a luxury

those colorful balls just might distract a girl

i have all of these balls in the air. I like to ignore anything that doesn't enable the balls to remain in play or at least seems to compromise them in my head. Some of the balls are important. And some of the balls are stupid. My commitment to even the stupid ones is notable. Oftentimes the stupid ones take up way more brain room than they should even know about.

All of this use(ful/less) thinking has been brought to you today because I am sick. Just a bad cold or something. Coughing, aching, fever... Lying in bed too sick to read (!!!!! an alarming sort of sick for me) has given me time to reflect and think. And here's what I've come up with: My antidepressants aren't working. I don't address this because it will mean more frequent doctor appointments or even worse, the possibility of failure. What happens if we increase the dose and I'm still blah? What if that's just what I've become? I'm not sure I'd even recognize the old me. It will mean addressing what I wish would go away. It will mean facing the possibility that my chemistry will never return to pre-abusivemarriageasshole. It will mean considering the effects of antidepressants upon a new baby. Or not. It will mean that I couldn't tough it out until I quit in June. I really suspect that I wouldn't need all of these chemicals if I didn't hate. my. job. every. day.

So I need to call the doctor. I'm hoping to convince her that I should increase the dose now as I already cut the tablets. I have an appointment with her in a few weeks. Between her schedule and mine, I can't imagine finding a time before my next appointment.

Blah.

girls' night

girls' night at m.'s was a hit. Y. and I rolled in around 4 am still full of conversation and laughter. I seriously do not know the last time I was up that late (early?) without a baby as the impetus for my awakening. What amazes me even more is that I still got up to go out to breakfast and church with Joe and Nora because I missed them. Obviously great conversation with great women needs to become part of my regular life because it energized me body, mind, and soul. Some observations:

1. In that room of about 13 women, we had an insurance exec, banking execs, an attorney, social workers, a writer, an animal control officer, teachers, a massage therapist, an art therapist... I can't think of the others. Many of these women are also mothers, volunteers, and athletes. When M. and I talked later about it, she said that in any type of emergency, she'd LOVE to be in that room with those people. That combination of commitment, intelligence, openness, kindness, and passion... I'd have to wholeheartedly agree.


2. That said, another thing that sticks with me is that each of these women carries their own insecurities, sorrows, and secrets. As we talked into the night, some of them presented themselves and some of them I already know. My lesson in this is to battle negative internal dialogue -- for even the best and brightest struggle with the same. Thinking something- anything - does not make it true.


3. To quote my newest necklace, I am "good enough right now."

Reforming Halloween

I grew up in a Dutch Reformed church. For those of you unfamiliar with these particular leanings, they rely heavily on John Calvin, Old Testament God, Guilt, and Xenophobia. While my parents never had issue with Halloween, we definitely kept it on the DL as it was not a Godly thing to celebrate. Many people pride themselves on not participating in such wickedness. Instead, they might celebrate Reformation Day . While admirable and certainly celebrated with the best of intentions, its not nearly as fun. When I reflect upon it as an adult, I'm not even sure its something to celebrate as it marks a huge division among people who all consider themselves "Christian." So, under the cloak of furtive shame, most of us still celebrated Halloween in some form. Interestingly, this is also how most of them drink alcohol or any other number of 'fun' things. Y. and I are trying to shake that cloak right off and making happy memories for our children and ourselves. We're shedding the cloak of shame and donning silly hats and scarves and makeup. Tonight, we'll all go trick or treating and then have a fun dinner at my mom's house.

Pictures to follow.

maybe the seven year old shouldn't be in charge of the camera?

first annual harvestoween

y. and i have talked about having a friends holiday since college. We'd brazenly declare that our families didn't own Thanksgiving and that we should make it for friends like some scene out of movie. Our courage lasted only through our conversations and certainly never tread near the holy ground of the actual holiday or telling our families. Good thing.
This year, we did it (well Y. did most of it.) We had our first annual Harvestoween party the Saturday before Halloween and it was a blast. Apple bobbing, horses, hayrides, pumpkin painting, chickens, cats, ducks, laughter, and plenty of food and drinks. I think the adults had as much fun as the children! My notes for next year are to micromanage the potluck aspect of it a little more, get invites out even earlier, and take more pictures... I think that's IT. Not bad for our first run.

she's my wonkytonk woman

i had a pap smear this morning. It was as pleasant as a pap could be (no weigh-in, for example). The best part of the whole thing was that Dr. McM confirmed that Y. is the reason for my wonky periods. All of our lives, Y. has controlled my periods. When I lived in TX and she lived in IN, we'd visit each other and my body would go bananas trying to get on her cycle. It's not as if I'd rub up into her armpits -- just being near her makes my hormones straighten up and fly right. What can I say? She's a natural born leader. Unfortunately for Y. and my period, Y. had to have a hysterectomy. And since then? Wonkytown. I've never experienced spotting and craziness ever. Until now.

Dr. McM recommended getting new friends to settle down. Screw new people. I'm just gonna groove in wonkytown and try to make Y. feel guilty about it.

happy early bday to us

i'm so excited. I bought these from here for Y and I for our birthdays (which are 2 months away...)

for Y

and for me

my intimacy

y. and i went to the my intimacy shop in chicago this afternoon for professional bra fittings. It was amazing and so worth it. Our boobs are actually lifted and separated without being torpedoes and/or touching our chins. I never thought I'd see the day. I walked around the city this evening and the straps stayed up and so did my boobs. Who'd have thought this day would come. Pigs are not flying and, as far as I know, hell hasn't frozen over. This visit was a part of our missions to take better care of ourselves and free up our energy for things that really matter to us. I spent a lot, but I've spent much, much more on bras that don't work for me (Steph can testify to my bra angst.) It's nice to check this off of my 'list'.