i have all of these balls in the air. I like to ignore anything that doesn't enable the balls to remain in play or at least seems to compromise them in my head. Some of the balls are important. And some of the balls are stupid. My commitment to even the stupid ones is notable. Oftentimes the stupid ones take up way more brain room than they should even know about.
All of this use(ful/less) thinking has been brought to you today because I am sick. Just a bad cold or something. Coughing, aching, fever... Lying in bed too sick to read (!!!!! an alarming sort of sick for me) has given me time to reflect and think. And here's what I've come up with: My antidepressants aren't working. I don't address this because it will mean more frequent doctor appointments or even worse, the possibility of failure. What happens if we increase the dose and I'm still blah? What if that's just what I've become? I'm not sure I'd even recognize the old me. It will mean addressing what I wish would go away. It will mean facing the possibility that my chemistry will never return to pre-abusivemarriageasshole. It will mean considering the effects of antidepressants upon a new baby. Or not. It will mean that I couldn't tough it out until I quit in June. I really suspect that I wouldn't need all of these chemicals if I didn't hate. my. job. every. day.
So I need to call the doctor. I'm hoping to convince her that I should increase the dose now as I already cut the tablets. I have an appointment with her in a few weeks. Between her schedule and mine, I can't imagine finding a time before my next appointment.
Blah. 
5 comments:
((Sarah)) I hope you feel better soon, inside and out. The picture of the balls is very cool. Maybe you can throw away the balls you don't need that cause extra stress.
Hell, Sarah. I had no idea all this. . . I'm sorry about your abusive past. . .but here's the thing - what if switching meds WOULD help? And make it all better than ever? And also, you will NEVER be a failure. EVER. I also agree the ball photo is very cool. And that I was thinking of something completely inappropriate when I saw the title of this post. ((((Hugs))))
Wow, there must be something about this time of year that makes us all think about what's going on inside our heads and try to figure out how to make it better. I'm trying to simplify the "balls" in my head myself. It can be difficult sometimes and adding a job to the mix would sure make it even more complicated. Did I read it correctly that you're quitting your job in June? That's exciting! Maybe when you're rolling in free time we can figure out a midway point and have a playdate!
I hope you start feeling better, both physically and mentally, soon. Just remember that we all love you! Take care of yourself.
(((Sarah)))
Sending lots of P&PT your way today! (((HUGS)))
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