highlights

1. Nora spotted our first robin this morning.  I love that she knew that they were worthy of spotting.
2. Birdy has taken to hauling my first Cabbage Patch Kid, Gunther, around.  
3. Birdy spoke at 'school' today for the first time.
4. Working with a team of positive, creative people is energizing and I love it.

in a people house

home things i've been meaning to record for no real reason at all.  The recovered pew that we are using as a dining room bench:

One day, I'd like a nicer bench, but this one was free and I just love its functionality.  Especially when we can line up 4-5 kids there for a meal.

Almost free pillow covers to break up the leather on leather look.  I love the print on these -- although, I am apparently alone in this opinion!

And finally and most bestly, our small garden which is carved from the wilderness that is our property.

punches, sabotage, and redemption

i have eleventy drafts of this post and am determined to get it out even if its incomplete and imperfect. Self sabotage and redemption are recurring themes in my life and the other day, another one of my phone conversations with m. led to the topic. She was saying that she understood the draw of physical contact sports like boxing or football -- that she bets the hit feels good in a psychic sort of way. Like you know its coming and you know you deserve (or at least are going to get) something, so its just nice to get it over with. This resonates deep within me. Now m. has somehow never seen Fight Club; this led to a discussion of the popularity of sparring/kickboxing/etc. classes for women and whether a women's fight club might be just the thing. I can't really do our conversation justice but will just examine a few points that stuck with me...

If you took your 'beating' physically, would you be less likely to put up with emotional or psychological garbage from others? This starts with the assumption that you believe you deserve or need or something negativity/difficulty/abuse. It sounds so obvious in black and white, but the truth is that I do believe it. And another truth is that when I've left various kickboxing/self defense/sparring classes, I've felt invincible. Not just physically. This feeling doesn't come from my yoga or step aerobics classes. {disclaimer: it has been years since I've attended ANY of these classes; lest I mislead you.}
Now, this is sick, but this is my true observation, as well: Repeatedly, abuse and negativity have, for a lack of a better way to describe it, brought out the best in me. It primitively frees me to be the best I can be. I told you it was sick so don't look at me like that. This freedom to be my best leads me to what I think my actual issue is: REDEMPTION. Do I believe I deserve bad things so much that getting them is a sweet relief that allows me to go on and become something good? Here's a self-sabotage example: I have always struggled with food/weight issues. Certain foods are like wonderful punishments for me -- double stuff oreos fit into this category. They're horrible for your body, destroy any diet you might try, and are delicious. Except I need to eat them until my stomach hurts. Like HAVE to do that. If they are in the house, I have to eat them until I hurt -- but then? Oh, that moment when I can throw the package away! It makes me want to be light, and good, and clean, and accomplished, and creative, and, and, and... Another example: I've been struggling with some things that I've never really struggled with in the past. Things like homekeeping. Could it be that I am not driven to prove how good I am without the presence of an abusive husband or boss? Finally, I have not one abuser in my life and suddenly, I'm tripping over things that have, in the past, been my strong suit. When I was married to prick, I kept a perfect home, never ran out of groceries, and made meals without the frozen feeling it all gives me now. Now things are taken care of, but without the energetic drive I had before. What gives?
If this makes no sense its alright with me. I just need to figure this out somehow.

celebrate ruminate appreciate seal your fate

i love simplemom. So bear with me for one more interview from her site -- I found the other one clarifying.
1. What skill do you most want to learn this year?
I want to find and adopt a home management technique that really works for us. I am trying FLYLady right now and will move on to other systems if this one doesn't fit. I no longer want to spend time feeling guilty about the house not being perfect -- or even worse, spend time NOT doing something I think I should do so that the time is a double loss.
2. What is one skill you already have that you’d like to improve this year?
Really enjoying the good stuff.
3. Name three books you most definitely want to read in 2009.
'Love in Infant Monkeys' by Lydia Millet, 'Imperfect Birds' by Anne LaMott (can't wait for this one!), and 'Dry' by Augusten Burroughs
4. In what specific area do you most want to encourage your spouse? What are some ways you can do this?
He works very hard and I would like to be more supportive of his career aspirations and what it takes to attain them. I can do this by having the house running smoothly, appreciating his hard work, and encouraging him.
5. Think of one of your major life goals. What will you do this year to make you one step closer to reaching that goal?
My major life goals have all taken detours. I'm no longer sure where I want to land.
6. Name your kids’ biggest strengths. What are some ways you can specifically nourish those strengths?
Nora's strengths include how hardworking she is, her independence, creativity, and determination. I can offer more opportunities for her to try new things that stimulate her traits and expose her to possible new strengths.
Birdy is a good cuddler and I'd be more than happy to cuddle her all she can take.
7. Name your kids’ most prominent weakness. What are some ways you can encourage their ability to overcome it?
I feel blind to their weaknesses. I suppose that Nora is quite stubborn and can be inflexible. I can work on giving her tools to express her frustrations and to find acceptable solutions in situations where she does not want to flex.
8. What is one of your strengths? Think of some specific ways you can exercise it this year.
I'm good at leading things I am passionate about. I can join/start something at church. I can work hard to keep my heart open in all relationships so that I don't miss opportunities.
9. What is one of your weaknesses? Brainstorm some ideas on how you can overcome this deficiency.
My depression is a huge weakness. I can keep seeing the doctor and keep taking medications. But what I'd really hope for is finding my place on this earth again and enjoying health.
10. Think of an important relationship aside from your spouse and children. How will you nurture that relationship this year?
I pick Mom. I will work to support her and listen to her without an agenda of my own.
11. Name a few ways your physical health could be improved.
I could lose weight, become more active, and go to bed earlier.
12. Name a few ways your family’s financial health could be improved.
We could spend less, save up for some specific goals, and pay off debts.
13. In what way do you want to draw closer to God?
I want to fully trust Him and His grace. I could be more prayerful and less willful.
14. What is one area of home management that frustrates you? Think of some specific ways you could improve your attitude about it.
Grocery shopping and cooking dinner. I need to let go of my previous life (a lifetime ago) where my efforts were mistreated and learn to perform these tasks joyfully. OR figure out how to delegate them...
15. Have you ever created a family mission statement with your spouse? If so, why not do one for this year?
We need to do one for just the four of us. We've had one when we had no children and have created drafts for our family with Jordan and with Denise. It's time we have our own. As I reflect upon my reluctance to do so, I'm realizing that my symptoms of depression make me feel as though I cannot do what is 'right' or will fail Joe and the girls. One of my goals must be to find proper treatment --medication, if necessary-- to make the symptoms have less power in my life.
16. Name one specific thing you could do with your spouse this year that will deepen your intimacy.
Go away with him overnight. Support him in pursuing a hobby or class outside of our family.
17. What is something that is continually undone in your life? What will you do to fully complete it this year?
Our scrapbooks. I need to either catch up or let them go.
18. In what ways will you be involved with your local community?
Church, activities for Nora, and once Birdy is a bit older, volunteering for the local shelter.
19. What is one thing you’d like to accomplish by your birthday this year?
A smoothly running home.
20. Think of three words you’d like to describe your 2010.
Energetic, Organized, and Joyful.

nye ruminations

thanks to simplemom

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
The birth of our second daughter, Roberta Layne Mays.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Losing Dad.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
Tied between quitting my horrid job and Mom moving to our town and joining our church.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
Dealing with legal issues surrounding horrid job and BDSatan.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009.
Growth, Grief, Joy

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).
Sad, Great, Important

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).
Challenging, Sad, Joyful

8. What were the best books you read this year?
"Push" by Sapphire, "The Shack" by William Young, "The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan, "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen, I also guiltily and deliciously enjoyed the Sookie Series by Charlaine Harris.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
With Joe, Nora, and Birdy. Also with this blog and my cherished friends who read it. There were times when I really leaned on you. Thank you so much for the support and wisdom and laughter.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Learning to be here without Dad.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
Maybe this year was about learning to stand. Learning to stand without Dad, standing up to BDSatan, standing up for myself and my children... standing.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
I'm learning to take more leaps of faith and to rest in grace.


13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
After having a disappointing experience with my first try, I've had a wonderful breastfeeding experience with Birdy.


14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
I think I'm learning to dare to be just me.

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?
Managing family events, finances, and paperwork.


16. What was your most challenging area of home management?
Meal planning and grocery shopping.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
This computer.


18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
Any time spent with family -- especially the girls.

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
That I just may be enough.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.
A year of great loss and even greater blessings.

a little bit of ketchup

just some random catching up so that i can go on to normal posting again one day... I had to deal with still more legal stuff regarding my former employment. I can't really talk much about it but having the latest inevitable hurdle crossed is a relief and hopefully, the stress will start to diminish. It's all very draining.

Some Nora stuff:

Nora can beat box. And she thinks she rocks at it, too. I thank Biz Markie from Yo Gabba Gabba.

She told me I should have my eyebrows grow together.

Progress in big sister land… she told me today she had plenty of room in her bedroom for Birdy’s crib. And that she’d make it comfy.

Nora loves spending parts of her days naked. She'll say "I be naked for a wittle bit." Her naked time has expanded from about a half hour a day to 2-3 hours (or longer) when we don’t have to be anywhere. One of the positive side effects is that (as long as we don't talk about it) she is naked potty trained.

During my meeting yesterday, Joe took Nora to Millennium Park. There, they saw 'the Bean' -- everyone calls it that for obvious reasons. Everyone except Nora, who calls it the big Donut.

things i've learned with no internet 10.06.2009

i haven’t had internet for over a week now. It’s been worse and easier than I had imagined. I’ve always thought of it as my guilty little pleasure – and you can be sure that it still is. But I’ve learned that I also conduct a ton of our family’s ‘business’ on it. It’s a way more legit pastime than I previously believed. Bills get paid, gifts get ordered, family gets included, money gets transferred, grades get checked, calendars get synced, friends get caught up (I think this is the part I miss the most), music and radio shows get downloaded, research gets done for all sorts of family members… I may ‘waste’ time on the internet, but the efficiency it allows me in other arenas of our life more than makes up for that. From now on, it will be my guilty little pleasure.

politics and fashion

last week, we had the opportunity to drive to elkhart to hear president obama speak. We went with our friend B. and had a great time. Unfortunately, we didn't get to 'see' the President -- but we did hear him and it was fun to be out and around active people. Here's a picture of Nora from the day.

The other day Nora told me that when she was a baby and had to go to the doctor she would "scream her eyebrows off" until I held her. Another day, when she had an 'accident' pooping in her panties and I was stressing that she is NOT to do that, she said, "I'll DIE if I don't have my poop with me." I've never heard her use the word "die" so it cracked me up. Here's another picture of how to properly dress to play in the rain. If you don't have a winter hat that you've outgrown, I suppose any hat would do. She said she didn't want to get beat with rain on the head.

And just a general update just because. I'm especially stressed out about my former boss lately. Nothing has changed. Just knowing that I still may have to deal with the bullshit seems to overwhelm me. I'll blame pregnancy for the overreaction to that which I cannot control. Also, in interesting and gross pregnancy news, I've developed varicose veins of the cooch. I thought I was bringing some exotic malady to my doctor's attention but she laughed and said, I don't even have to examine you! It's varicose veins and they're normal and may get much worse by the end of the pregnancy. I'll leave you with this pleasant visual: too much lifting, time on my feet, etc. could cause the veins to resemble (this is me quoting a doctor) "a bag of worms." I may never get out of bed again.

some honest scrap

“The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

HEF, from Spewage, passed this award on to me (and Christine). Here are my ten honest things about me in no particular order...

1) I don't know what I'm doing and worry that I'll just run out of time before I figure anything out. For real. I don't have a 'vision', viable mission statement, or long-term goals. I want to be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter and sister.

2) I won the family lottery. For reals. It's insanely unfair who I get to count as family and I'm eternally grateful.

3) I worry that we'll never have enough financially and then upon reflection realize that I don't really care. I think I care about losing a game that others think is important. And that's sillier than playing the game. Yet, here I am.

4) I have a limitless capacity for sleep. I'm not sure what my limit would be as I've never apparently neared my saturation point.

5) You know how we often say things about past negative experiences forming who we are today -- in someway embracing the experiences? I don't subscribe to that. Maybe we'd all be that much more fabulous for not having some of our negative experiences. I think I'd have more trust, less shame, and more confidence.

6) I was thinking the other day about what one thing I could change that would most greatly improve my life. I have a lisp speech impediment and if I could become confident despite the fact that people struggle to understand me at times, it would open doors. There are situations that I could really shine in if I could only speak.

7) It's totally unfair, considering my family lottery winnings, but I also have incredible, incredible friends. Like people who I can tell my whole truth to and still be loved and supported.

8) I no longer watch the news. It makes me sad and I am not sure that it edifies me in any way. My only news comes from Google headlines, NPR Radio news, Salon.com, the Sunday paper, and the occasional browse through cnn.com.

9) I want to learn guitar but all past/current attempts have shown my lack of willingness to put any effort into it. What does that mean? I mean, I really do want to learn it. I swear.

10) I love tall people hands. This may be because I have short people, chubby hands. They are square'ish -- reminiscent of Fred Flintstone. I'd bet that learning to love my own hands would be a good thing for me. Or, if that's not an option, ending my hand envy of the talls out there.

Ten honest things were not easy for me. Choosing just two people to pass this along to was even more difficult. Maybe everyone should do this post (hint hint). Should they choose to accept it, I now pass this esteemable award onto:

Steph

Alina

synergy and miscellany

{synergy}
that's what y. called it and that's what it is. Yesterday, we both tackled difficult appointments with an 8 year old and a 2 year old and a whole bunch of time in the car. And we rocked it. We rocked it so hard that after handling the appointments, we took the kids to lunch, returned stuff (always a hassle - at least for me) and did a little shopping. We were both home in time to make dinner for our families. Truthfully, Y. rocks at this pace all the time. But me? Any one of the items (especially the appointment at the attorney) would be enough for me to call it a day. It was wonderful and the kids had so much fun. Couldn't really ask for more. Maybe I should work on considering whatever get done in a day enough. What if it was enough?

Also, in light of my last post, Y. was observant and kind enough to remind me that I had been just fine before the latest IRS/lawyer stuff. It's amazing how quickly it seems like nothing is right and never has been and maybe never will be. Why am I so quick to doubt and blame myself? My lack of balanced perspective is disturbing to me. How do you guys keep an adult's broad perspective on things? Please do share.

{miscellany}
Nora was playing with a bus on the piano keys. I walked by and said, "No cars on the piano." Nora replied, "Dis notta car. Dis a coobus." Helpful cherub that she is, she then went and got a car and brought it to me and said, "Dis a car." I suspect that this is only the beginning of her knowing more than I do.


This morning, I said to Nora, "I see you're a bit argumentative today." She yelled, " NO I NOT!"

I was cuddling with her and told her I wished she could be little forever. She said, "Oh, mama." and promptly got up and started walking around the house on her tippy toes.

I am encouraged for Birdybean's future when I see Nora with her baby lately. She talks so tenderly to her (although she calls it a good boy, so maybe it's a him in pink clothing and nailpolish), rocks her, changes her. SO tender. If you don't count throwing her down the stairs regularly.


Thanks to Y's shopping genius, I finally found bedding for Nora's big girl bed. I had given up hope of finding something I really liked -- even when I removed cost from the equation, I was still coming up empty. I'm so happy to have found this Laura Ashely Fairies quilt. It's a nice muted pink (not as bright as the pic) and will look darling in her room. Bonus-Miss N likes it, too!
I'm going to start with Nora's mattress on the floor due mostly to my fears of her falling. Additionally, I'm not sure what kind of bed we will buy her. It really depends upon the gender of the so-far elusive Birdybean.

it's too warm to be this frozen

i am frozen and i don't know why. Is it depression? Is it because I'm not doing whatever it is that I should be doing? Is it because I'm just plain tired? Is it a personality defect? Pure laziness? Is it because I'm pregnant and my allergies are acting up? Am I just overwhelmed? WHAT IS IT? And really, more importantly, why can't I just DEAL like everyone else on the planet? This freezing up in the face of (fear? sadness? too much? life?) is bad for deer in traffic and bad for me.
The only way I can figure to unfreeze is to try each item and give it a jiggle to see if it frees me. Starting with the worst first. The IRS has contacted me regarding my former employer. This as at the end of last week -- I just called my attorney and updated him on the status of things. He is going to call the IRS agent on my behalf and get back to me. Poor birdybean is doing cartwheels making me feel guilty for stressing out so much.
In an effort to unfreeze more, I will finish laundry tonight and get the house properly straightened. We'll see what temperature tomorrow brings.

an im i wanted to keep

{Instant Message 04.15.2009}

(9:21:35 AM) Becca: mommy is baggin up daddys clothes for the sale...
(9:21:45 AM) Becca: do you want anything?
(9:54:51 AM) sarah: oh
(9:54:53 AM) sarah: suspenders
(9:55:11 AM) Becca: thats why I've been calling you
(9:55:15 AM) sarah: sorry
(9:55:17 AM) sarah: i was sleeping
(9:55:17 AM) Becca: its ok
(9:55:21 AM) Becca: sorry!
(9:55:22 AM) sarah: no ringer on
(9:55:45 AM) sarah: that's so sad
(9:56:00 AM) Becca: mama says shes already got em set aside for you
(9:56:21 AM) Becca: i knew we were gna get rid of it, but not so fast
(9:56:26 AM) Becca: this is not ok with me
(9:56:35 AM) sarah: it sucks
(9:56:37 AM) sarah: go help her
(9:56:42 AM) sarah: its not easy on her either
(9:56:46 AM) Becca: I think shes already done
(9:57:06 AM) Becca: I just got home from work and saw what she was doing
(9:57:21 AM) sarah: ok
(9:57:24 AM) sarah: poor mom
(9:57:25 AM) Becca: I know hes gone but idk how to explain it
(9:57:28 AM) sarah: I'd hate to do it
(9:57:30 AM) sarah: i know
(9:57:36 AM) sarah: just want to keep everything
(9:57:39 AM) Becca: yeah
(9:58:25 AM) Becca: I'm keepiong the blue tux shirt
(9:58:48 AM) sarah: lmao
(9:58:52 AM) sarah: that's what I just thought to ask for
(9:58:55 AM) Becca: I love it
(9:58:59 AM) Becca: lol
(9:59:00 AM) Becca: sorry
(9:59:03 AM) sarah: no prob
(9:59:21 AM) Becca: I cant think of anything else I want
(9:59:38 AM) sarah: me neither
(9:59:39 AM) sarah: its fine
(9:59:42 AM) Becca: cant we just box it all and keep it?
(9:59:44 AM) sarah: for real
(9:59:53 AM) sarah: no
(9:59:57 AM) Becca: why not?
(10:00:01 AM) sarah: i think that's called hording
(10:00:26 AM) Becca: i dont give a shit what its called I dont want to see any old guy in town wearing daddys clothes
(10:00:42 AM) sarah: LOL
(10:00:49 AM) Becca: its not funny!
(10:01:02 AM) sarah: Dad's a good sharer
(10:01:18 AM) Becca: dad might be but I'm not
(10:01:23 AM) sarah: no. you're not
(10:02:16 AM) sarah: oh i miss him
(10:02:27 AM) Becca: me too
(10:02:30 AM) sarah: i keep trying to think of things to keep but none of it is going to do the job(10:02:39 AM) Becca: I know
(10:03:02 AM) Becca: its just getting harder everyday hes not here sat home where he should be
(10:03:11 AM) sarah: i know
(10:03:20 AM) sarah: i keep wanting to call him for advice
(10:03:34 AM) Becca: or when I get lost and I'm driving idk who to call anymore
(10:03:45 AM) sarah: lol
(10:04:32 AM) Becca: ...and there another thing
(10:05:18 AM) Becca: i wish daddy and ben could have met
(10:05:22 AM) sarah: yes
(10:05:27 AM) sarah: all of those things will be hard
(10:05:49 AM) Becca: i miss him so bad
(10:05:50 AM) sarah: can you think of anything else to keep of dad's?
(10:06:01 AM) sarah: i feel like I"m missing an opportunity but really can't think of anything
(10:06:03 AM) Becca: I kept a pocketknife
(10:07:31 AM) sarah: is there another pocketknife?
(10:07:35 AM) Becca: yeah
(10:07:36 AM) sarah: that's a keepsie thing
(10:07:39 AM) Becca: theres three
(10:07:42 AM) sarah: ok keep one for me, please
(10:07:53 AM) Becca: i will for sure
(10:08:02 AM) Becca: do you want a handkerchief
(10:08:06 AM) sarah: YES
(10:08:14 AM) sarah: maybe we could roll around in all of his clothes...
(10:08:21 AM) sarah: make blankets out of it
(10:08:33 AM) Becca: I say we do it
(10:08:39 AM) Becca: I want a daddy blanket
(10:08:58 AM) Becca: but who are we going to hire to sew?
(10:09:00 AM) Becca: lol
(10:09:12 AM) sarah: lol
(10:09:15 AM) sarah: well, none of us
(10:09:30 AM) Becca: yeah but thats a good idea
(10:09:31 AM) sarah: Sue sews
(10:09:47 AM) sarah: all of tshirts and flannel shirts
(10:09:55 AM) Becca: huh?
(10:09:59 AM) sarah: little quilts
(10:10:06 AM) Becca: i like that idea
(10:10:10 AM) Becca: imma run it by mom
(10:10:17 AM) sarah: ok
(10:10:19 AM) sarah: see what she says
(10:10:58 AM) Becca: she wants to know what to keep
(10:11:06 AM) Becca: says she got risd of all the tshirts
(10:11:22 AM) sarah: tshirts, flannels, cottons
(10:11:35 AM) sarah: i guess anything that could be cut up to make squares on a blanket
(10:11:43 AM) sarah: becca -- we could HAND SEW them!
(10:11:49 AM) sarah: like how to make an american quilt
(10:11:56 AM) Becca: dude...
(10:12:01 AM) Becca: im in!!!
(10:12:08 AM) sarah: how hard can it be?
(10:12:14 AM) Becca: we could figure it out
(10:12:22 AM) Becca: and you dont work anymore
(10:12:27 AM) Becca: we have plenty of time
(10:12:34 AM) sarah: excellent
(10:12:40 AM) sarah: we just have to cut squares
(10:12:43 AM) sarah: and sew them
(10:12:45 AM) sarah: i can do that
(10:12:53 AM) sarah: i've just never been MOTIVATED to sew
(10:12:56 AM) Becca: shouldnt we have somthin under it....
(10:13:11 AM) Becca: like the squares on top
(10:13:15 AM) sarah: well we'll have to have something sewn to the back
(10:13:19 AM) Becca: and a cotton sheet under it?
(10:13:21 AM) Becca: right
(10:13:23 AM) sarah: yeah
(10:13:31 AM) sarah: tell mom we need her sheets!
(10:13:34 AM) sarah: just kidding
(10:13:38 AM) Becca: ew lol
(10:13:59 AM) Becca: k were making blankets
(10:14:12 AM) sarah: excellent
(10:14:12 AM) Becca: im so excited we figured out a way to keep it all
(10:14:14 AM) sarah: me too
(10:14:16 AM) sarah: lol
(10:14:19 AM) sarah: we're sick
(10:14:21 AM) Becca: lol
(10:14:26 AM) Becca: I KNOW!
(10:14:28 AM) Becca: but idc

{as of 05.20.2009, nothing has been done to make these blankets a reality...}

oh so much going on and so little of it moves me to record it. I've been working with my mom to find a new house in the school district we've selected for Nisey and today, for the first time, there was a house we liked. Exciting. And encouraging after about twenty houses that we didn't care for at all -- we were seriously getting worried and entertaining thoughts of her building on our property. Today we are working on staging her home for the market. It's all so difficult -- she takes my advice seriously and I just pray that it's good advice for both her and the girls.

Nora is rockin' and rollin'. We still use Thinkbaby sippy 'cups' with a nipple: My next hurdle with her will be to get rid of the nipple tops. After that, I will nudge her more towards potty training. A year ago she was SO interested in it and now she doesn't even want to talk about it.

Birdybean's big 3-D debut is scheduled for June 9th in the afternoon. Because I left my job, we need to switch our coverage over to Joe's employer. Only we can't do that until my coverage is terminated and I get official notification of it. I have tried and tried to get the information and will eventually get it... The problem is that I have no real way of knowing if the new plan will cover things nor do I know our true expense on any of it. BLAH BLAH BLAH, it all boils down to me hating having important things up in the air and having no control over getting them settled. It all makes me want to go back to bed.

its hard to stay at home

and i don't mean the gig -- i mean actually, physically staying. at. home. When we first decided that I would become a stay at home mom, I made a gargantuan list of things that I would do in each room of the house. Spring cleaning things, detail things, and things that I simply hadn't gotten around to while working outside the home. I was so excited and I figured I could do one room a day (with some exceptions) on any day that we actually would be home all day. My first day that this occurred, I learned that I had mistakenly left out a two and a half year old and a pregnancy out of my "room a day" equation. I got almost half the kitchen done and thought, "Oh! I'll just have to adjust my plan to one room every TWO days that we're home." Only... we haven't had another day at home. In two weeks. For real. That's not to say that we've been wasting time -- we've accomplished great and worthy things: Nisey will attend a new school come fall that is 50% African American, we've found Mom a possible new home near our home that will accommodate the new school district, we're working to put Mom's current home on the market by next week, we've gotten Susie's disability approved and have an appt with Job Corps for her, I'm working on some print projects for a local Breast Cancer walk, we've gotten the garden loosely 'started' and added a compost bin and rain barrel, we've read books, played, laughed and visited with friends and family, and most of the time we have clean, put away clothes, and some groceries. Next is a therapist for N, and college appointments for B. I could say that I need to learn to say 'no', but everything on that list is more important than deep cleaning and organizing. I'm sure there come a day when things are more settled and we'll get that list knocked out. Until then, it's a balancing act that I might as well learn to enjoy. Any tips will be greatly appreciate.

loving it comes faster than i thought

staying at home, that is. I thought that it would possibly take months for my brain and heart and life to absorb that I really had quit my job. That each day belongs to me and my family to do the best we can... I was wrong. So wrong. It's day one of my SAHM life, and I. GET. IT. And it's wonderful. Nora and I have a pretty busy schedule for the remainder of this week, but then, guess what? We have NEXT week. And the next and the next. We will no longer struggle to balance the demands of two full-time jobs and family. I will no longer be eye twitching and throwing up from the stress of my stupid job. I am free to help my sisters and mom, garden, play, and form the life I want. Don't get me wrong... I'm sure that toddler company 24/7 leaves something lacking and that the daily rhythm of the home can get tedious. But I'm also sure that it's tons better than the job I just left. I wish I could bottle how grateful and free I feel today so that I can pull it out someday when I need it. I don't want to forget how blessed we are.

I'll leave you with a text from Joe that I awoke to this morning: "It's a great day knowing that you are home caring for Nora. Thank you so much for letting go of [my old company] and trusting in me and our relationship. I love you like crazy."

And here I thought it was all about me...

t minus 4.0 days

the working kind of days, that is. I'm going to be a stay at home mom as of April 16,2009 and I simply cannot contain my joy any longer. A full briefing will follow the blast off.

i have no voice

and i like it. That sounds and feels sick to me, but it's true. It's a relief to take no phone calls -- to be so unreachable. I don't have to call the attorney. I don't have to do anything more than email for work. I'm off the hook on some personal obligations. My life is currently so out of my control that I relish something that disables me. This can't be right. But it sure is peaceful.

feeling the wind

oh, there's so much to post that i really don't know where to begin. Between missing Dad, keeping tabs on my mom and sisters, and being sick most of last and this week... what I really didn't need was for my work stress to evolve into legal stress. But it did after all these years... Y. thinks that perhaps frogs might rain upon our home or my hair might fall out next. I wouldn't be surprised. I won't write about it here unless I start securing the blog but my point is this: Right now, I feel extremely stressed and stretched to my limits in every way. This afternoon, I wanted to curl up in bed after work but Nora (my new NO NAP Nora) wanted to go out into the cool breezy gray day. As we sat playing in the sandbox, she sang and laughed and I prayed and just felt the moment. And it was good. All will be well.

they add up

i am no financial guru but thought i'd share some recent experiences on saving money. I just got off the phone with my cable company and will now save $40 a month and get HBO free. I signed up with them on a special deal and, of course, that deal expired. I just called to ask if they could do anything to lower the bill before I start shopping around and what do you know? $40 a month. Hmmmph. I don't know whether to be happy about future bills or upset about past bills.

I also just read that you should clear out your browsing history and cookies regularly so that you get online vendors best deals. If they know you're a regular customer, they evidently give you lousier deals.

If you're not yet a www.upromise.com member, please become a member. You can save for a child's college tuition (any child) or use the funds to pay off student loans. I've been a member since 2001 and they have paid off over $1600 of our student loans. Free money. One penny at a time.

I'm sure you already use this or something like it, but just in case, after being sure that the online retailer is going to pay a percentage back through UPromise, I then visit www.RetailMeNot.com to see if there are any discount codes I can use.

And one more thing before I get off my pulpit, sign up for restaurant 'clubs' and email lists. We get coupons via email at least weekly from restaurants we already like! Oh! And check out www.restaurant.com for discounted gift certificates for restaurants in your area.

I also just read that you should take the coupons out of Sunday's paper and hold them for four weeks because the industry's cycle to push a product is one month coupon, then next month big sale at the grocers. I haven't tried this. I haven't even cut any coupons. But maybe one day. Anyhow, what thrifty tips do you have?

and on the sixth day, she finally updated

{update Dad} on the way to the hospital one day this week i was listening to 'This American Life.' This episode was on last words. They quoted an epitaph from a New England gravestone: "it is a fearful thing to love what death can touch" A beautiful quote that was perfect for this week. Dad had a difficult week that ended on a positive note. He is in a step down care unit (not ICU and not a regular room) and on a bipap mask 24 hrs a day which means he still can't really talk or eat -- but it means no restriction on visitors so Johna and Nora can visit now. At least he is no longer intubated. He will never be intubated again as we have placed a partial DNR order specifying such. His body is no longer expelling CO2 properly. Normal level range from 35 - 45 and when my Dad came into the ER, he was at 153. The ventilator brought his levels down into the normal level. Off of the ventilator for 24 hours, his levels are already at 80. I do not know what will happen next -- only that he longs to go home and we want to take him there.

{update Nisey} Nisey returned to school on Wednesday. She and I texted back and forth throughout her first hour until her phone was taken away. My mom called both of us little shits for that~~ lol~~I figured her courage of showing up was enough. Anyhow, she said that her heart was about beating through her chest and she was so scared ~ especially of third and fifth hours where she would have to face the involved girls. She had to face her ex-best friend (we'll call her her NBF[thanks, Chris]). NBF was angry with Nisey because malicious redneck texter (MRT) was punished. NBF told Nisey that MRT didn't deserve it. Nisey told NBF that she didn't know what MRT did. NBF said 'she only TEXTED you.' Nisey told NBF that she didn't know what she texted, though... NBF then said, "Yes, I do. I was right there when she sent them." Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Nisey has come through this week with flying colors considering all that is going on in her young life. She did call me one night and ask if we couldn't figure something out like Jordan did for high school. I assured her that we could... She deserves to have this handled as the family priority but with our Dad's health, it just hasn't been possible. She received the gift of a journal (thank you, A) and is using it. If I receive her permission, I'll share her first entry. It's amazing. She's amazing.

{update Bean} it seems unfair to blame my exhaustion on little bean given the week i've had. BUT, I'm so tired. Laughably tired. Two examples of how tired I've been: Nisey came to the hospital on Tuesday and I went to the ICU lounge with her to discuss her trip and going back to school and fixed a cup of coffee. And drank half of it. I told her that if this baby is hyped up it's all on Auntie Nisey. The next day, I was there all day and then went home for a bit and came back in the evening. I was kicked out of ICU for a shift change and went to the cafeteria and had some water and looked out the window... and saw an old white Buick skyhawk... the same car I had in college... and thought (just for a second, but still) maybe it was my former self pulling up! Other than that, I feel well. My hair is curly again -- my hair went straight while pregnant with Nora -- after having her, it returned to a sort of wavy set up. Now it seems curly again. That's my only update on bean. We're at 5 weeks and bean is the size of a sesame seed and tiring out mama.

{update Nora} nora is wonderful. She has been regularly cracking me up. Today before nap, she chose the 'Time for Bed' book. Each page, she'd yell to the character, "Don't go to bed! Stay awake! No Nap!" Its been so wonderful to be home with her these past two days (although my lack of working this week is stressing me out -- I have to remember that I attempted to quit 8 months ago because my family is a full-time job.) I had to take her to the doctor again because she's had diarrhea all week and little to no appetite. Doc says its most likely one of the numerous viruses which would cause the symptoms. Should be gone by Tuesday and if its not, we'll test further. Other than those symptoms, Nora is drinking her usual ton and happy. She's funny and lovely and sweet as sugarpie. After our meal prayer (which is a short prayer - the same every time), she says, and bless Grandpa. Without prompting. I love it and feel guilty at the same time.

{update You} thank you so much for your prayers, thoughts, emails, gifts, research, texts, and calls. I'm a lucky, lucky girl. Thank you.