love is a battlefield

nora has been in timeout for two hours. Two hours of alternating pitiful crying, yelling, playing, talking, moving around... it's killing me. Every two minutes for two hours now I have gone over to sugarfoot and asked her to say I'm sorry so that we can get on with our wonderful day, go to the store, stop time out, go do ANYTHING other than this. And every two minutes, my daughter has eagerly nodded at the get out part and emphatically said no to my request for the 'sorry.' I know she can say it. I know that she understands this process. I know that this is not going to kill her. It's breaking my heart and putting the screws to my Saturday shopping and making chili with my girl. I don't dare give in. I know that it will be a disservice to a little girl who is perfectly capable in all ways of handling herself in this situation. I want her to be strong, confident, good, ordered, smart, free, and loved. I don't want to fail her.

update: 2 hrs 25 minutes:

an attitude of gratitude.

i've always loved those little sayings that you might find hanging in a grade school classroom. Things like 'attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.' Or 'gratitude is an attitude.' Trite or not, they stick with me.

So, its Thanksgiving and I've been working on experiencing prayerful gratitude each day. In light of all of my blessings, I am ashamed of how hard I find it to remember to do this. In thinking of what to list here, I waffle between the big things (family, safety, etc.) and the little things (riding the carousel with Nora today)... For me, the small things are a reflection of how great the big things are. There are no small things without the big things.

Today's list:

~grace and joy

~joe. could i have been any luckier?

~eleanor grace mays. the heart of my heart.

~a loving, involved and open family with whom i enjoy spending any holiday

~living near my best friend

~a church and community that i enjoy being a part of

~a new bed

~a comfortable home

~wonderful friends. beyond belief

~our cats. the neighbors goats and horses and chickens and cow

~the stars last night

~my sisters

~trips to the bookstore and library with nora and joe

~choices. i've been considering new homes, new careers, new futures... what a luxury

a charlie brown thanksgiving

nora, joe and i just watched our first "a charlie brown thanksgiving" together. I couldn't be happier that Nora enjoyed it as much as we did. Joe and I have enjoyed discussing how his favorite character(s) was Charlie Brown/Snoopy while mine were Linus/Lucy... the present-day parallels are amusing. Now we're left wondering... How did we miss out on "The Mayflower Voyagers"? Did they not play it during our childhood? Is any of it historically accurate? We're so confused over here...

naps: mine

yesterday joe and i both woke up with aching backs and necks and were finally done with our old hand-me-down bed. We went after church and bought a new bed and pillows and now they're all clean and fluffy and waiting for me. It's only 9, but I just can't wait any longer. G'night!

naps: hers

this is how we found nora when she woke up from her nap yesterday. When we asked her where her clothes was, she informed us that it was "scratchy."

oh the irony

the 'front' of her shirt says, "My Dad Rocks"

Appropriate as he dressed her that day.

blessings beyond blessings

i sneeze in my upstairs office

from downstairs, "Bless you, Mama!"

"thank you, baby."

"A Welcome, Mama!"

prop 8 comedy

backstory: recently, i 'friended' former classmates on facebook. While this is something that most normal people do on facebook, it was an action that I considered for sometime. One, because that's how I roll, and two, because I never quite fit in at the small private school. So, while all was friendly in school, I've maintained contact with my close friends and it's not like I missed anyone. Long story longer, one guy who I barely remembered immediately started jumping on my 'facebook' politics. I chose to ignore most of the comments. But then after the election, he emailed me a genuine inquiry about my views on gay marriage. It seems that he knows nobody else from our 'similar religious upbringing' that shares my views and he's curious regarding what I believe.
Bait...
Hook...
...and i bit like an inbred piranha.
So, here's the letter (crazy diatribe?) this poor dude is getting in response.


Hi, Scott,
I finally had a free moment to put my thoughts on gay marriage on ‘paper.’ For me, there are two separate parts of the argument: 1) Civil Rights and Government and, 2) Biblical Teachings and Religious Beliefs. I’ll try to explain my views as laconically as possible. I must admit that I feel some reservation about engaging in the discussion due to past experience dealing with similar differing views. I hope that you prove my fears unfounded. I also hope you forgive what I’m sure is going to turn into a WAY TOO LONG explanation… Here goes:

1. “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”
   By denying marital rights to some citizens, we deny them medical, financial, legal, tax, property, familial, custodial, etc. etc. etc. rights. When viewing marriage as a civil union recognized by the government and given certain benefits by the government, I have real trouble understanding how a country that separates church and state in all other avenues denies any citizen this civil right. Whether or not any church wants to marry a couple or acknowledge the union, is a completely separate issue for me.
   A homosexual couple does not realize equal protection of the laws when denied the following (short sample) examples of rights given to married couples in the United States: Inheritance Tax Exemptions, Head of Household Tax Advantages, Shared Social Security Benefits, Insurance Benefits, Leave Time Benefits, Child Custody and Visitation Rights, Medical Decisions, End of Life Decisions, and Immigration Rights. I believe there are over one thousand big and little ‘rights’ that are given to legally married citizens of the United States.


2. In regards to the sanctity of marriage argument, many things violate the sanctity of marriage; yet, we do not limit a person’s right to remarry any number of times. Scott Peterson murdered his wife and unborn child, yet has the right to remarry. Britney Spears married a friend for hours, yet has (exercised) the right to remarry. Any numbers of people have committed adultery and/or abuse (in all forms) yet they retain the right to marry (sometimes 6, 7, 8, or 9 times). In order to get married, the State does not require proof of love, intent to procreate, or monogamy. Likewise, the State does not require any citizen to marry in the case of love, commitment or procreation. Many religions do have rules on such issues. These rules differ from religion to religion and even church to church within an organized religion. They have no bearing on the legal right to marry.


3. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” Thank God that we live everyday under his immeasurable grace. Christ freed us, while we are still sinning, from the law that we could never fulfill. I’ll list the verses that I’ve heard commonly used to discuss the issue of homosexuality.
   a. Genesis 1:28, KJV "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."
   i. We are not required to ‘be fruitful and multiply’ – at least, I don’t believe we are. Additionally, creating a man and woman makes sense in order to populate the planet. I don’t believe it was a judgment upon homosexuality.
   b. Genesis 19, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah
   i. I believe that the condemnation of the four cities was caused by repeated actions offensive to God. In reference to specific homosexual acts, the abhorrent act is homosexual rape, not relationship. If only they had found it just as abhorrent to rape women and girls – perhaps Lot would not have offered his own daughters.
   c. Leviticus 18:22, KJV “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination”
   i. Using this verse as God’s law for us today, while ignoring its neighbors is simply hypocritical and wrong. Other abominable activities from the same chapter include sexual activity with a menstruating woman. When considering the verse in the context of other chapters, it is a part of God’s orders for His people to separate themselves from any Pagan idolatrous behaviors.
   d. Leviticus 20:13, KJV “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them.
   i. There are a number of transgressions in the Old Testament which require immediate capital punishment. They include gathering sticks on the Sabbath (Numbers 15). Again I believe these verses apply to God setting his people, the Israelites, apart from Pagan temple rituals (which included homosexual prostitution).
   e. Deuteronomy 23:17, KJV “There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel.”
   i. From the same chapter, “A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord.” And more, “He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.” These are laws of the Israelites that we do not consider applicable to the church today.
   ii. Additionally, the word “qadesh” is more often translated to mean a cult/temple prostitute.
   f. Judges 19, the story of a Levite visiting Gibeah and being welcomed by an old farmer. A gang of men appear and demand the visitor in order to rape him. The farmer instead offers his own virgin daughter or the visitor’s concubine. The gang takes the concubine and repeatedly rapes and abuses her. She makes it back to the home where she collapses dead. i. Seriously?
   g. I and II Kings, KJV, several verses
   i. Again, the word “qadesh” which is more commonly translated as cult/temple prostitute. The verses condemn temple prostitution.
   h. Romans 1: 26-27, KJV “For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.”
   i. This is Paul’s letter to all Christians living in Rome and therefore exposed and possibly caught up in all sorts of Roman culture, which included worship of Pagan gods, creation of idols, worship of same idols, sexual orgies, and fertility rituals. Paul condemns all of the Pagan rituals and worship.
   ii. Verse 28 – 32, NIV “Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.”
   i. I Corinthians 6: 9-10, KJV “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.”
   i. My first response is to question who would NOT be on this list?
   ii. The term ‘arsenokoitai’ has been translated as homosexuals; however, no record of the word being used appears before this use. Paul did not use more accepted terms for homosexuality; such as ‘paiderasste.’ Some scholars have translated the term as masturbators, pimps, prostitutes, boy sex slaves, male prostitutes, or abusive pedophiles.
   iii. Verse 11, KJV “And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.”
   j. I Timothy 1:9-10, KJV”Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine."
   i. “Arsenokoitai” – see above.

There are other verses that I believe show God’s inclusion of his children into His kingdom, but I don’t want to bore you with another page (if we’re lucky). I can’t believe this has become so lengthy and was started by a Facebook comment! LOL.
I look forward to your response.
Sarah

People who you barely know can not have you committed.

Can they?

those colorful balls just might distract a girl

i have all of these balls in the air. I like to ignore anything that doesn't enable the balls to remain in play or at least seems to compromise them in my head. Some of the balls are important. And some of the balls are stupid. My commitment to even the stupid ones is notable. Oftentimes the stupid ones take up way more brain room than they should even know about.

All of this use(ful/less) thinking has been brought to you today because I am sick. Just a bad cold or something. Coughing, aching, fever... Lying in bed too sick to read (!!!!! an alarming sort of sick for me) has given me time to reflect and think. And here's what I've come up with: My antidepressants aren't working. I don't address this because it will mean more frequent doctor appointments or even worse, the possibility of failure. What happens if we increase the dose and I'm still blah? What if that's just what I've become? I'm not sure I'd even recognize the old me. It will mean addressing what I wish would go away. It will mean facing the possibility that my chemistry will never return to pre-abusivemarriageasshole. It will mean considering the effects of antidepressants upon a new baby. Or not. It will mean that I couldn't tough it out until I quit in June. I really suspect that I wouldn't need all of these chemicals if I didn't hate. my. job. every. day.

So I need to call the doctor. I'm hoping to convince her that I should increase the dose now as I already cut the tablets. I have an appointment with her in a few weeks. Between her schedule and mine, I can't imagine finding a time before my next appointment.

Blah.

at least i know i'm free

today was our veteran's appreciation ceremony and brunch at church. It was a beautiful and moving service followed by a delicious brunch and poignant speeches. The coordinators and volunteers succeeded in creating a gracious and formal event which I was proud to be a part of. They invited all families of active service members in the community and had more than a full house of respondents. My parents were invited and we were included with them because of my brother and sister. They were presented with the Service Flag which is to be displayed in homes with immediate family in the armed services during war time. The tradition started in 1917 and then gained popularity during WWII. Regardless of my (or any one's) views about the current war, I felt privileged to honor and show gratitude to the service members and their families.

girls' night

girls' night at m.'s was a hit. Y. and I rolled in around 4 am still full of conversation and laughter. I seriously do not know the last time I was up that late (early?) without a baby as the impetus for my awakening. What amazes me even more is that I still got up to go out to breakfast and church with Joe and Nora because I missed them. Obviously great conversation with great women needs to become part of my regular life because it energized me body, mind, and soul. Some observations:

1. In that room of about 13 women, we had an insurance exec, banking execs, an attorney, social workers, a writer, an animal control officer, teachers, a massage therapist, an art therapist... I can't think of the others. Many of these women are also mothers, volunteers, and athletes. When M. and I talked later about it, she said that in any type of emergency, she'd LOVE to be in that room with those people. That combination of commitment, intelligence, openness, kindness, and passion... I'd have to wholeheartedly agree.


2. That said, another thing that sticks with me is that each of these women carries their own insecurities, sorrows, and secrets. As we talked into the night, some of them presented themselves and some of them I already know. My lesson in this is to battle negative internal dialogue -- for even the best and brightest struggle with the same. Thinking something- anything - does not make it true.


3. To quote my newest necklace, I am "good enough right now."

please pray for dante

Dante is a gorgeous little boy from Nora's playgroup who needs your prayers. Alina said it best.

toddler bmi

just a quick note from our visit to our new doctor on wednesday. Nora was having generalized allergic symptoms (welts coming and going, runny nose and eyes, a little cough) so I made an appointment with the new doctor I had chosen after our last disappointment with our old doctor. We went in and it went wonderfully. I hate the longer drive, but am sure its the right decision for us right now. Really, I just wanted to record her weight and such from the appointment. This office gives us a printout with weight, height, BMI, and corresponding percentages. I now know where the other mamas were getting this information so readily. :P Nora was 29 pounds (with clothing and diaper) and 34.3 inches. This would be a good 3-4 pounds more than her last visit to the specialist -- so one of them must be wrong. Whatev. She's perfect is what.

letting it sink in

i've been in a protective state of disbelief for a day now. The news is so good that I don't even trust it. On election day, I was assigned to go walk door-to-door in a nearby community and talk to specific registered Democrat voters and remind them to vote, offer a ride, discuss issues, etc. I was disappointed in my assignment because it is a primarily 'red' town and I'd be alone rather than working with a team of excited supporters. The open glares from neighboring homes with McCain signs were uncomfortable. Being ignored at the door when I could hear the television was embarrassing. But one woman, Anna H., made it all worth it. She was an Obama supporter who had decided not to vote because of abortion. I expressed my views to her and encouraged her to go vote for someone -- anyone. I just hated to see someone miss the opportunity. After talking, she said that she was going to go vote right away. It was nice to 'matter.' I saw her later leave and I hope she made it to the polls to vote.
A friend of a friend and staunch Republican called her yesterday and told her that she and her husband had woken up with stomachaches because Obama had won. Part of me wants to say, "Now you know how we felt!" but a bigger part of me just feels sad about it all. I'm sad that what is hopeful and exciting and a victory for me is a blow to others. Jon Stewart explained the complicated feeling laconically (or maybe not) last night, "For the first time since I can remember, and this includes the Clintons, somebody is speaking in a manner that matches my sensory perception. In other words, for the past eight years... and even further back than that, I would walk outside and go, "Oh! It's sixty degrees, there's a light breeze... I could wear a light jacket. It's a lovely day." And then, I'd turn on the... Fox network [Chris Wallace was his guest] and they'd go, "It's snowing!!!!" And I'd think, "Wow. That doesn't match my perception of reality." This guy [Obama] speaks, I recognize him as human. He wears his frailty on his [motions arms]... Don't you think? Isn't it exciting?"

and another election sidenote... I told Nora that I was going to go work for Obama that afternoon and that in the evening, Daddy, Nora and Mommy would go vote for him. She said, "I help Barack Obama! I hold his hand."

maybe there is an american dream

and i'm so grateful.

some kind of wonderful

cake courtesy of Joe, Nora, and Nisey

i am blessed.