highlights

1. Nora's fish, Love, passed on.  We felt ready to get a new fish and are now talking about names.  One idea was "Meanie No Die".  The current contender is Butterscotch.  "Butter because her is soft like butter and Scotch because her is kind.  Butterscotch."
2. Joe is so helpful around this home.  I really don't know what I'd do without him.  I hate this depression and how hard 'normal' things can be.  Sometimes my appreciation of him just processes as guilt.
3. Being able to help my sisters when things are tough.
4. Designing B's wedding invitation with her.
5. Birdy is a two year old.  Like in the terrible two sort of way.  To make up for it, her 'I wuv you''s and kisses are generous and often.  Totally worth it.

untitled epiphany

happy new year.  I love a fresh start and the freshness of New Year can't be manufactured at any other time so I'm digging it right now.  So much is going on that I never blog because I can't figure out what takes precedent for recording for our family or what needs working through by writing.

But then I had a thought.  The kind of thought that you probably already have thought but that I've never grasped.  On Friday, I went to the gym and met a mommy friend there.  As an indicator of our fitness and commitment level, we thought we were going to a half hour beginner's class and both of us considered canceling.  We made it there for what turned out to be a one hour intense step interval class.    And it rocked.  We modified where needed, we succeeded some, laughed a lot -- we survived.  I left feeling so triumphant.  Like ME -- me --- regular, nonathletic, fat, uncoordinated, undisciplined ME did a class with THOSE women.  And I could not have cared less what I looked like or what anyone thought.  While wonderful, this was not the epiphany.  The epiphany was that it took the good portion of the morning to get everyone ready, get to the gym, take the class, get the children, go home and clean up.  For once, I didn't try to 'make up' for the time lost doing something for myself.  Normally, I would feel guilty and work double time during the afternoon on whatever I think other people think I should have done.  Here it is:  doing something for myself is worth REAL time -- not late late nights or stolen moments --- REAL time.  The sort of time where you could meet with people who want something from you, the sort of time you could schedule with appointments, cleaning, laundry, shopping, or phone calls.... REAL time.  I've seriously often wondered how people fit in working out, getting hair and nails done, doctor's appointments, creative time...  now I know what they know.  It's not magic.  It's not better discipline or scheduling.  It's knowing your own worth and enjoying the trip.

how does one sigh without an 's'?

i have so many unposted drafts that i feel silly knowing that i'll actually finish this one.  But it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to.  Nora had her first playdate without me at a nonfamily member's home this morning.  The children had a wonderful time and even I survived (although I was more 'aware' of her absence than ever.)  The reason I did not accompany her is that the other child is painfully shy and we were hoping that they might have a better time if she didn't have to worry about unknown me.  What I love is that her mom approached me and said that her daughter is terribly shy and barely speaks at school, but when she gets home, she has tons and tons to say about Nora.  So fun to watch her navigate the world of 'others.'  On the way home, we discussed what she did with her new friend and how much fun she had.  And then we had this conversation:

Nora:  What do you fink she fought a you?
Me:  I don't know.  What do you think she thought of me?
Nora:  She pwobabwy fought you were different.
Me:  Oh yeah?  How am I different?
Nora:  You don't talk wike her mom.  I talk wike her but not you.
*oof*
Me:  You're right.  I do talk different from you and others.  It's one of the ways that people are different.

and on we went to another topic.  I have a cleft palate and lip and in addition to a very nasally voice, I have impediments all sorts of letters, but especially "s."  I've been waiting for this moment for most of my life.   And really, I'm proud that my daughter handled it kindly and directly.  And so it was fine.  Totally fine.  Except that I went from being in a really great groove over here to feeling like I might fall over from a need for sleep.  My brain knows so much more so much better than my body but my body wants to crawl into a dark tunnel and cry and cry.

fresh new week

i keep trying to find a way to sum up last week so that I can move beyond it and there just isn't a good way to do it.  It was an awful week and you know what?  Even in the midst of awful, I surely have so, so much to be forever grateful for.  I'm just going to list it here without all of the stories I'd like to include on each item.  Maybe another day, another time.

Sunday was the wake for our friends' baby daughter.
Monday Joe's mom text broke up with us.
Tuesday Nora swallowed a quarter and had to have an emergency procedure to remove it.
Wednesday we attended another wake.  This time for a dear friend's father.  He was one of the good guys.

That's all there is.  We are so blessed beyond any measure.

thogging and learning

i can't blog because i haven't blogged so i can't blog.  Instead, I think of a few things a day I would like to blog about (thogging) and then don't do it because if it's not about the girls then I feel guilty not updating them first and if it is about the girls, I want to get it right.  I am well aware that no other posts have been so well thought out and multi-drafted -- in my imagination, I am much more on top of things.

So here is today's out of order, not most important, not anything really - thing.  Today I got to meet another mom and family from Nora's online playgroup  (more on that in a minute.)  In preparing for it I became nervous, as I do when meeting new people.  Am I too fat?  Too silly?  Not smart enough?  But mostly, I worry about my speech impediment.  Like, what if they can't understand me?  Should I 'warn' her ahead of time?  Am I an ungrateful narcissist?  Am I being ridiculous?  My solution to this thought process was to call my two of my dearest friends and get their opinions.  This is, and always will be, the best solution to many a problem and  I'm lucky to have it.  Only this time it occurred to me that 1)They don't have a cleft palate and speech impediment, I do; and 2)If I was going to get precious time to talk to either one of them, I didn't necessarily want to waste it on such negative trivia.  So it is that at the age of almost 38, I figured out that I don't need a popular vote, approval, or social safety in order for a decision to be right for me.  I am sure that to most of you this is an obvious truth, but I am often sure that others know better or are in the very least laughing at me or judging me.  This is profound for me.  Even if everyone disagrees with me, I may still be doing just the thing I should.  Wow.

When I was pregnant with Nora, I joined an online 'expecting club.'  It was a group of ladies who, like me, were all due in October 2006.  Occasionally, it was helpful but I mostly found it clique-y and stupid.  When Nora was born 7 weeks early, I  found myself even further alienated from that group and checked out the September 2006 Expecting Club.  I immediately liked the group better.  Amazingly (or not), I am still in contact with many of these women.  I feel so lucky to be a part of something that so simply (but almost magically) just worked.  This has gone way beyond our initial bonding over pregnancy, delivery, and newborns -- these women have regularly made me laugh so hard I choke, been fun and snarky with me, gotten me through grief and loss, shared the tedium of every days, taught me about parenting, community, everyday home skills, life, generosity, strength, love and have, generally, made me a better person.  Four years later, I count them among some of my best friends.  Today marked the tenth woman I was able to meet in person.  Can't wait to make it more!

a possibly superlicious solution

and i don't use 's' words lightly. I should make a post catching this up on everyone being sick, me trying (yet again) to find my stay at home groove, family, friends, and life. Instead, I am crazy excited about grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is my nemesis. In fact, even though I stay at home now, Joe does a lot of the shopping. This solution is two-fold: 1) Making it a challenge with coupons, and 2) Going late at night ALONE. I've been trying to be really thrifty lately (see [possibly underwhelming] results here), but the second part of it is the part I'm excited about. Nora goes to bed by 8 pm and Joe and Birdy are normally asleep by 9:30 pm; so last night, I went around 9:30 pm to an almost empty grocery store and just took my time. While I walked the store, I listened to This American Life on my headphones/telephone. Pure bliss. I got home around 11:30 and rather than being tired, I felt rejuvenated and accomplished. Those two feelings are a rare occurrence around here and to have them together at the same time? Well that's just something worth blogging about.

it would be so great

i was in my littlest sister's room recently and came upon a handmade book with a photocopy of our dad's picture on a funeral card. The book was titled something like "My Book about My Dad" and I assume that her therapist made it with her. In J's handwriting, it says, "Private! Do Not Open!" Heeding her order could have saved me tons of tears because inside, each day has a place for her to write and draw a picture and it is filled with things like this:


Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please come back. The accompanying drawing is a stairway going to the sky and one person near the top of the stairs and another crying person at the bottom.

Each entry continues with the same sort of heart wrenching theme. The last one says:

Dear Dad, I wish so hard you could come back. Because if you could, it would be so great. I love you.

Tomorrow is the one-year marker of my Dad dying. I never thought I'd bear one day without him and the passing of a year, rather than being a comfort, feels something like mockery. It makes me want to shout about fairness and how time doesn’t heal all wounds. Life without Dad feels less safe, less grounded, less protected, less guided, less fun, and less loved. I wish that we had some sort of tradition to mark the day -- I've been reading up on different cultures' traditions for marking this day. Having something that everyone recognized would be a comfort. Some kind of cultural 'this is how we do this undoable thing.' It’s funny because prior to this experience, I thought ‘Why mark a date of death? Wouldn’t it be better to celebrate their life on a birthday?’ Only my very body remembers what this weather and time of year brought. The ending blows of winter bring back the hospital, hospice, and loss. Whether I mark it or not, I will always remember. And I will always miss my Dad.

On the day after her 9th birthday, we visited the police station in the small town from which my mom had recently moved. We had to go because she told Mom that the 12-year-old girl (A) who had hung around that summer "raped" her. She doesn't really know what the word means and Mom didn't question her much beyond confirming that the girl had touched her in her private areas. Mom didn't want to needlessly interrogate her -- not knowing if she would have to be questioned by police officers. More importantly, she didn't seem to be telling so that she could rehash every detail. She wanted to tell the secret and know that Mom was not mad at her.


We celebrated her birthday thoroughly from morning to night and now today, we went to the police for guidance on how to handle this. Mom explained the situation to the officer. Our interest was twofold: How could we best protect and heal our girl? and How could the other girl be stopped from hurting other children and be given whatever help she needs? J. stopped playing with A. after this happened but she told Mom that A. would "look for her and find her" wherever she would ride her bike. The officer had openly ignored my mom's offer of her hand to shake when we came in, so I shouldn't have been surprised by his first question, "Is your daughter known for telling stories?" followed by "It's been a year and a half!" {Actually six months. Math is hard.} I explained to him that we understood that it was a touchy situation, that we weren't necessarily looking to convict the child, and that we were hoping for guidance on how to handle it correctly. He then told us that we should take J. to a medical doctor for an examination -- not that there would be any evidence but so that we would know whether there had been anything done -- to rest our minds. {Yes, officer. Putting her through further trauma will certainly put our little minds at ease.} After that, we should get her psychological help. {Ya' think?} I assured him that we would be seeking help for her but that our concern with him was how to best protect other children. He told us that this was the first time they had heard anything like this about A. and again expressed doubt about the story saying, "no one else has come in here about her." I told him that if they had perhaps we wouldn't have the story to tell. I asked him what he would do if it were his daughter and he said that he'd take her to a medical doctor for an exam, get psychological help, and go over to A.'s house and speak with her parents. I call bullshit on that. We asked him about the legal process and he explained that J. would be questioned by county officers who have been trained to work with children. He would be in the interview and would determine whether her story was true. He really emphasized that HE and not the other officers or anyone else would determine the truth. If he determines it is true, they will then pursue actions against A. In the end, we decided to go ahead and have the county officers work with her and will, of course, get her proper therapy. We now must wait to find out when the appointment will be scheduled. He indicated that it could be from a week away to a month away. {Does that seem like a strangely wide window to you?}

So now, we wait. And pray. And make our plan. We want the result to be that J. feels supported, loved, protected, and heard. We want her to know that we'd do anything for her and that she should be free from all secrets and shame. How do you make her free and safe when we couldn’t protect her?

thog life

i'm behind on this blog (among other things.) It's a vicious cycle -- I don't blog because I haven't blogged so I can't blog. Part of me thinks I should drop the blog if I'm going to turn it into a stressful thing to do but I really like having all of this information in one place and it's therapeutic sometimes to just put uncensored information out there. I mean, really, is there anything as self indulgent as my diary-all-about-me style of blogging? I love indulging though so I'm just going to brain dump here to feel 'caught up.' To my credit, I often think in blog form (really good blog form, I swear) and that should count for something... The term 'blinking' is already taken, so I'll call it 'thogging.' Goes perfectly with the tattoo I was considering...

{girls} I just am going to copy and paste some little items from Facebook statuses (stati?). I want to write my girls a letter each year of their life and have found the memories recorded here to be so helpful when writing them.

10.31.09 Awake. Looking at me. I swear she just smiled at me. ♥

11.08.09 I love it when Birdy laughs in her sleep ♥

11.12.09 I need time to stop for a bit. I blinked and she's three weeks old.

11.28.09 Playing with Nora. My pretend name is 'Alice.' Hers is 'pwetend refwigewator.'

11.28.09 Nora is for real cleaning for her pretend party

12.16.09 Birdy slept five hours IN A ROW!

12.20.09 Nora just declared 'Christmas in Washington' to be boring.

12.22.09 2 months old and full of gummy smiles ♥

01.06.10 On our first outing without diapers (for Nora, at least)!!!!

01.06.10 Evidently God has repeatedly asked Nora to 'keep an eye on Her cat.' Oh, and Her cat's name is Ellie - in case you were wondering.

01.09 Birdy slept through the night, 10p - 6:30a, and then slept from 8a - 12p. Let's hope she has found a love of sleep matched only by my own. ♥

01.13.10 Nora, Age 3, "I'm going to pee in the shower... because that's what people do."

01.15.10 Nora Quote of the Day: "You're my dude. I love you, dude."

01.20.10 Birdy is teething already! Poor baby.

01.26.10 Nora tells Joe a Knock-Knock joke and then says, "Now you tell me one!" Joe says, "Knock Knock!" and Nora says, "Go Away!"

01.28.10 Birdy smiles and laughs the second I put the camera down!

01.31.10 Nora upon waking up this morning, "I'm get old like you dad. I'm getting old with all this sleeping."

02.09.10 I just told Nora to clean up her toys. She is reluctantly doing it while singing, "I love my dad! I love my dad!"

02.09.10 Nora told Joe that he is the 'pwoblem' and she is the 'lution' (solution).

Birdy's baptism (on 01.31.2010) went well. Y. and her family jumped through hoops to be there and it meant so much to have them there to celebrate with us. In true form, my worries that morning were all about how I looked, how much weight I haven't lost, and how much my lisp would come into play. (Should the word 'lisp' have an 's' in it?) I'm so glad to report that once we were there with family, friends, and community, all of that flew from my head and it was all about dedicating our sweet baby girl.

Birdy wore the same dress that Nora wore for her baptism (in picture in post below.) It's just a simple, regular dress, but it made me happy to see it worn again. It was just a wonderful day. Unbelievably, we didn't get a family snapshot. Joe took a couple of shots of guests at our home -- I'll have to check them out and see if any have good shots of Birdy or Nora.
I've been helping my mom sort through her basement at the new house. The basement is full of things to be unpacked, organized, sold, or donated. Last week we found my baby Joey doll and my seven dwarfs. Nora has been having a blast with them.

As you can see, Joey was inspired by Archie Bunker's grandson and is anatomically correct. My parents bought it as a joke for one of my older sisters and she hated it. No worries, though, I was right there to scoop him up and love him. And now Nora has taken the torch. I'll have to take a picture of ours because his hair is all matted giving him a major receding hairline to compliment his charming looks.

{homekeeping} This leads me to the question~ what toys will you keep for your children? I will keep an obvious toys (favorite baby dolls, etc.) and I guess I'd keep any toys I deem good to keep around for visiting children. How do you decide? I don't want boxes of unused toys, but I am finding it fun to discover my old toys and share them with Nora.

My quest to find a homekeeping method that fits my insanity is continuing. I'm finding FlyLady to be very helpful. I used her methods after Nora was born and I was dealing with postpartum depression. This time is different as I'm not going back to work and need to find a different sort of groove. I've only gone as far as Day 4 (for weeks now) and am just trying to incorporate those concepts into my everyday -- I'll move on once these are well ensconced into my routine. These are not yer exact steps but my hybrid concepts are: prepare what you can the night before, take care of the little things as they occur, note how things flow best, and start the day off ready for anything (showered, dressed, makeup, whatever you need in order to possibly walk out the door). I especially like her 15 minute assignments. When I'm overwhelmed or unsure where to start, it is shocking how much can be done in just 15 minutes. Setting the timer and GOING always results in awesome stuff.

My goal is to have a kickass routine that flexes without stressing me out. Right now, it seems that Mondays and Fridays are great for getting all the laundry done and getting the house in order either prepping for or recovering from fun, relaxed family weekends. I feel dumb for putting this here because I know that most everyone does much more than I do in a day without the drama or imbalance. But it's my blog, damn it, and I need to get something rolling here.

Monday: Laundry, Bedding, Cleaning, Vacuuming Tuesday: Errands/Playdates/Creative Endeavors Wednesday: Have Mom over so that I can go volunteer or work on special projects at home. Thursday: Library Storytime then lunch and afternoon with Mom Friday: Laundry, Cleaning, Vacuuming, Meal Planning Daily: at least one load of laundry, dishes, litterbox, straightening, bills, picking up -- where does grocery shopping fit?

I'm learning that clean enough really is enough. I have a real love of having EVERYTHING done at the same time. That is just not currently realistic; nor is it balanced. If I ever go back to the work world (after the girls go back to school? what will i do?), I will get a cleaning service so that I can enjoy that everything is clean feeling without giving up time with the girls. But for now I need to remember that Birdy won't always be a tiny little baby who nurses every other minute of the day ~ and because it won't last I should just soak it all up and know that everything else will fall into place in time.

{totally random me stuff} On top of the regular February blahs, I have hair falling out by the truckload. I remember this from having Nora, but forgot how MUCH hair. It's just what I need when I'm feeling fat, pale, and depressed. I'm considering going tanning a couple of times just for that feeling of the sun. I swore off being a tanimal after Nora was born, but this is more like therapy for S.A.D. :P

Nursing Birdy has been the most wonderful experience for me. Nora was born at 33 weeks and my milk barely ever came in. She was in NICU and I was pumping every couple of hours day and night. I would only get an ounce or two each pumping session. Couple all of that with PPD and it just became impossible. This time around, it has been easy going and wonderful. I just can't say enough about how much I'm enjoying it all. The bonding, the convenience, the two of us... all of it. That said, my boobs are crizazy huge and I'm getting worried about them post breastfeeding. The are ridiculous and so ugly to me. The biggest nursing bra I could get was and I/J and I'm busting out of that. Before breastfeeding, they were about an F -- which was more than I'd like and now? Blech. Its worth it but I'm seriously considering a reduction once Birdy is done breastfeeding.

{stuff} Winter has brought its normal gift of dry, itchy skin. Here's what I'm loving:

Cetaphil for my face. It cleanses so gently and is so affordable.

Lush Sympathy for the Skin. Best. Cream. Ever.

car seat advice - help

needed. I currently have an old Graco infant seat that I used for Nora. It was a hand-me-down from c. and I'm considering buying the Britax Chaperone to replace it. I'm weighing all options and really, just getting nowhere. I need to quiet my brain over it and just make a decision. Recap:

We have this: (only ours looks more.... used) Its an old hand me down Graco model that is not yet expired but will be soon (although not before we'd be done with it.) We never use the stroller with it.

I'm considering this: It's the Britax Chaperone infant car seat and runs about $230. Babies R Us is having their trade-in event which means I could get 25% off if I purchase before 02/20. Not a problem -- if I'm going to get a new car seat then the sooner the better.

Issues

• when I think about replacing it, I feel guilty because if its really not safe enough then why the hell did I have my precious Nora in it? Here's why: I didn't know better and by the time I started to learn more, Nora was in a new seat.
• Birdy is 3 months old, about 15 pounds and 25 inches long. The new seat would go to 30 pounds and 32 inches. How long would she really remain in an infant seat? 3 more months? 6 more months? What amount of time would be worth switching? With Nora, I hated the baby 'bucket', so I changed her quickly to a Britax convertible, and just used a sling to transport her. Nora loved the sling -- Birdy does not. This time around I still think that the baby bucket is a heavy pain in the ass. Only I also think its really useful. I can put it down, if necessary, to manage Nora, I have a 'place' for Birdy to sit in the library or other places, I can bring Birdy in sleeping from the car, and I can get Birdy all ready before we ever have to go outside.
• I have crazy worries of Birdy being hurt. I don't know if this is some sort of hormonal new(ish) mama thing or some sort of universal warning system that I should heed. Irrationally, because I've now considered a new seat, I now torture myself with the thought of what if something happened and I didn't get her the best seat?
• We don't have the money for the seat lying around but it wouldn't kill us and I suppose I'd be able to sell it on Craigslist when we're done....
• Here are the other seats we have. Nora's Britax Frontier: , a Britax Marathon (Joe's car) , and a Britax Boulevard (Joe's car)
  

Help me please. What would you do?

punches, sabotage, and redemption

i have eleventy drafts of this post and am determined to get it out even if its incomplete and imperfect. Self sabotage and redemption are recurring themes in my life and the other day, another one of my phone conversations with m. led to the topic. She was saying that she understood the draw of physical contact sports like boxing or football -- that she bets the hit feels good in a psychic sort of way. Like you know its coming and you know you deserve (or at least are going to get) something, so its just nice to get it over with. This resonates deep within me. Now m. has somehow never seen Fight Club; this led to a discussion of the popularity of sparring/kickboxing/etc. classes for women and whether a women's fight club might be just the thing. I can't really do our conversation justice but will just examine a few points that stuck with me...

If you took your 'beating' physically, would you be less likely to put up with emotional or psychological garbage from others? This starts with the assumption that you believe you deserve or need or something negativity/difficulty/abuse. It sounds so obvious in black and white, but the truth is that I do believe it. And another truth is that when I've left various kickboxing/self defense/sparring classes, I've felt invincible. Not just physically. This feeling doesn't come from my yoga or step aerobics classes. {disclaimer: it has been years since I've attended ANY of these classes; lest I mislead you.}
Now, this is sick, but this is my true observation, as well: Repeatedly, abuse and negativity have, for a lack of a better way to describe it, brought out the best in me. It primitively frees me to be the best I can be. I told you it was sick so don't look at me like that. This freedom to be my best leads me to what I think my actual issue is: REDEMPTION. Do I believe I deserve bad things so much that getting them is a sweet relief that allows me to go on and become something good? Here's a self-sabotage example: I have always struggled with food/weight issues. Certain foods are like wonderful punishments for me -- double stuff oreos fit into this category. They're horrible for your body, destroy any diet you might try, and are delicious. Except I need to eat them until my stomach hurts. Like HAVE to do that. If they are in the house, I have to eat them until I hurt -- but then? Oh, that moment when I can throw the package away! It makes me want to be light, and good, and clean, and accomplished, and creative, and, and, and... Another example: I've been struggling with some things that I've never really struggled with in the past. Things like homekeeping. Could it be that I am not driven to prove how good I am without the presence of an abusive husband or boss? Finally, I have not one abuser in my life and suddenly, I'm tripping over things that have, in the past, been my strong suit. When I was married to prick, I kept a perfect home, never ran out of groceries, and made meals without the frozen feeling it all gives me now. Now things are taken care of, but without the energetic drive I had before. What gives?
If this makes no sense its alright with me. I just need to figure this out somehow.

celebrate ruminate appreciate seal your fate

i love simplemom. So bear with me for one more interview from her site -- I found the other one clarifying.
1. What skill do you most want to learn this year?
I want to find and adopt a home management technique that really works for us. I am trying FLYLady right now and will move on to other systems if this one doesn't fit. I no longer want to spend time feeling guilty about the house not being perfect -- or even worse, spend time NOT doing something I think I should do so that the time is a double loss.
2. What is one skill you already have that you’d like to improve this year?
Really enjoying the good stuff.
3. Name three books you most definitely want to read in 2009.
'Love in Infant Monkeys' by Lydia Millet, 'Imperfect Birds' by Anne LaMott (can't wait for this one!), and 'Dry' by Augusten Burroughs
4. In what specific area do you most want to encourage your spouse? What are some ways you can do this?
He works very hard and I would like to be more supportive of his career aspirations and what it takes to attain them. I can do this by having the house running smoothly, appreciating his hard work, and encouraging him.
5. Think of one of your major life goals. What will you do this year to make you one step closer to reaching that goal?
My major life goals have all taken detours. I'm no longer sure where I want to land.
6. Name your kids’ biggest strengths. What are some ways you can specifically nourish those strengths?
Nora's strengths include how hardworking she is, her independence, creativity, and determination. I can offer more opportunities for her to try new things that stimulate her traits and expose her to possible new strengths.
Birdy is a good cuddler and I'd be more than happy to cuddle her all she can take.
7. Name your kids’ most prominent weakness. What are some ways you can encourage their ability to overcome it?
I feel blind to their weaknesses. I suppose that Nora is quite stubborn and can be inflexible. I can work on giving her tools to express her frustrations and to find acceptable solutions in situations where she does not want to flex.
8. What is one of your strengths? Think of some specific ways you can exercise it this year.
I'm good at leading things I am passionate about. I can join/start something at church. I can work hard to keep my heart open in all relationships so that I don't miss opportunities.
9. What is one of your weaknesses? Brainstorm some ideas on how you can overcome this deficiency.
My depression is a huge weakness. I can keep seeing the doctor and keep taking medications. But what I'd really hope for is finding my place on this earth again and enjoying health.
10. Think of an important relationship aside from your spouse and children. How will you nurture that relationship this year?
I pick Mom. I will work to support her and listen to her without an agenda of my own.
11. Name a few ways your physical health could be improved.
I could lose weight, become more active, and go to bed earlier.
12. Name a few ways your family’s financial health could be improved.
We could spend less, save up for some specific goals, and pay off debts.
13. In what way do you want to draw closer to God?
I want to fully trust Him and His grace. I could be more prayerful and less willful.
14. What is one area of home management that frustrates you? Think of some specific ways you could improve your attitude about it.
Grocery shopping and cooking dinner. I need to let go of my previous life (a lifetime ago) where my efforts were mistreated and learn to perform these tasks joyfully. OR figure out how to delegate them...
15. Have you ever created a family mission statement with your spouse? If so, why not do one for this year?
We need to do one for just the four of us. We've had one when we had no children and have created drafts for our family with Jordan and with Denise. It's time we have our own. As I reflect upon my reluctance to do so, I'm realizing that my symptoms of depression make me feel as though I cannot do what is 'right' or will fail Joe and the girls. One of my goals must be to find proper treatment --medication, if necessary-- to make the symptoms have less power in my life.
16. Name one specific thing you could do with your spouse this year that will deepen your intimacy.
Go away with him overnight. Support him in pursuing a hobby or class outside of our family.
17. What is something that is continually undone in your life? What will you do to fully complete it this year?
Our scrapbooks. I need to either catch up or let them go.
18. In what ways will you be involved with your local community?
Church, activities for Nora, and once Birdy is a bit older, volunteering for the local shelter.
19. What is one thing you’d like to accomplish by your birthday this year?
A smoothly running home.
20. Think of three words you’d like to describe your 2010.
Energetic, Organized, and Joyful.

the shack

so i read it... and liked it more than I anticipated. It's easy reading and I'm not sure if it was pregnancy hormones or the book, but I actually cried a considerable bit. Here's one of my favorite parts from the book:

In response to the main character questioning God about why he has so much fear in his life:
"Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it; but you don't know it."

That really resonates with me. Because we do find it easy to believe we're not good enough, that's we're sinful, unworthy and fail at every turn... it's much harder to believe that we're THAT lovable or THAT loved. What if we are?

joe's fortieth birthday party 10.03.09

was wonderful. He had a good time, Nora had a good time, and I had a good time. I hope that this is true for all of our guests, as well. It was so fun to celebrate this incredible man who I have been lucky enough to call mine. His thoughtfulness, generosity, humor, kindness, and intelligence are amazing. His actual birthday is on Wednesday – we went out for dinner to celebrate him on Friday night, I think I’ll make tacos (his fav) Wednesday night… Something… I don’t want it to go by without anything. There's just no predicting how I'll feel on any given night anymore and there's always algebra homework and the like...
Some party observations… We kept the menu pretty simple (and yummy) and it worked well – much less waste than when I try to please everyone and offer way too many options. I think part of the reason I had such a nice time was that I didn’t try to make everyone happy. Some people are shy or not social – me running to their side regularly does not change that. Beyond initial greetings and natural conversation, I just let people be whoever they are – even if it sometimes looks uncomfortable to me. It took the pressure off of me although it may not be the most hospitable I can be. Guest lists -- who shows up is sometimes surprising, but most often, it’s our core group that I cannot imagine having a party without. Similarly, those who don’t show (mostly family) really are not surprising. It’s not like we have that many events. Normally, we have a party for Nora each year and that’s it. For Joe’s 40th, I expanded the list a bit to include some extended friends and family. Anyhow… my question is: How many times can people not show for something before we quit inviting them? What do you do?

a new low

i just suggested a movie to my beautiful little girl who wanted to go play outside. Between the swelling, sciatica, and braxton hicks, I can barely stand much less play. Poor Nora. Luckily, she's happily cuddled up with me watching The Little Einsteins Huge Adventure...

As long as we're sitting here, I'll share some funny things she's said lately:


The phone rang one morning and as I went to pick it up, she held up her hand and said, "I'm not here." I don't know where she even got this from because we screen our calls and are known for not picking up (as opposed to being creative about whether or not we are home.)


Sitting in her carseat the other night, she said, "I texting peoples." Us: "Oh yeah? Who are you texting?" Nora: "BOYS!" Poor Joe. I blame Nisey.


She saw a short bus and said that THAT was the bus she wanted to ride. As many of you know, we've had a complete regression for potty training... So I said, "Oh! Buses are for BIG kids know how to use the potty." She said, "Mom, I know how to use potty, I just not do it. Okay?"

We were asking her the sounds that different things make and asked her what Daddy says. She said, "Waa waaa waaaa. I wanna be the Mommy!" When I asked her what I always say, she said, "how much you love grandpa."

In the car this morning, Nora told me that she doesn't like clowns and wants them taken out of the circus. I couldn't agree more. I'm not a fan of the circus so I'm blaming television for her knowledge of them. However, I take complete credit for her absolute genius evaluation of those damn spooky clowns.

The other night we took a bath together and she was putting bubbles in my hair and on my belly. As you may know, Nora has had no interest in this baby process. That she was paying any attention to the belly was a gigantic step. I told her how the baby loved it and said oh, if you put your hand on my belly you can feel her moving because she likes it so much! She stopped what she was doing and said, "you give me YOUR hand!" So I did and she proceeded to put it on her belly and the exaggeratedly moved her belly around and said, "SEE? I'm growing a big sister!"

We're doing the sibling tour this weekend at the hospital. Hopefully, it will be exciting to her...

Or not.

fun article to get us through

{excerpt of the 39 things from}
39 Things Every Mom Should Know
by Kacy Faulconer
Parents Magazine

{bolding is my own}

1 You never have to go to obnoxious kid-themed restaurants. Ever. I wish someone had told me that.
2 Don't make birthday parties a huge deal.
3 Do your chores while kids are awake. Using up naptime to wash dishes or clean the bathroom is truly soul-crushing.
4 Put Band-Aids on everything your kids want you to. Why not?
5 If the kids are awake, bite the bullet and be awake yourself. You'll waste so many hours trying futilely to extend early-morning snoozes that it's not worth it. If you are sick, pregnant, or it's the middle of the night, ignore this advice.
6 Just throw away the poopy underwear.
7 Don't beat yourself up if you have to use a bribe.
8 Teach your kids not to pee outside unless you're camping - you'll be glad you did. But if other people's kids do it, don't judge the parents too harshly - it's all about karma. (If you're in the midst of potty training, all bets are off. You've gotta do what you've gotta do.)
9 Buy cheap shoes when kids are little. Feet grow faster than you think.
10 Don't forget about board games. You'll suffer through way too much Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders, but Connect Four and Battleship aren't half bad. And Clue rocks.
11 Embrace their quirks.
12 Know this: That stain won't come out. And it's okay. (The sooner you accept this, the better.)
13 At some point it will be February. Things will seem bleak. You will think about vitamins, glasses, more exercise, more sleep, more chores, less TV, more rules, fewer rules, and organic food. Just wait. Things will get better when the snow melts. Know that it will happen again at the end of summer, right before school starts. It's the circle of life, baby.
14 Always get boys' haircuts at barber shops instead of hair salons.
15 Answer this question: What is the worst thing that can happen if your kids sleep in their clothes?
16 Never stifle a generous inclination.
17Try to like what they like. It kind of sucks when it's Bob the Builder, but the payoff will come when they discover Lemony Snicket.
18 Teach them to pump on the swings ASAP.
19 If your child falls asleep occasionally without brushing her teeth, don't wake her; baby teeth do eventually fall out.
20 I know you are supposed to use natural consequences to punish bad behavior, but sometimes it's hard to think of natural consequences. In these cases try threatening your kids with clipping their toenails or some other activity they dread. I've had great success with this one, but you must find your own.
21 Get used to the word zerrissenheit. It means a state of disjointedness, and it's the new normal for most of us. At least you can feel fancy because it's German.
22 Buy kids deodorant before they need it.
23 Teach your children to make their own breakfast - and allow enough time so they can do it without pressure.
24 I can't stress this enough: Use duvet covers on your comforters and forget about a top sheet. Not only will you thank me for this advice, but your kids will thank me as well when they are learning to make their bed.
25 Remember clogging lessons are not in the best interest of the child.
26 Don't administer a punishment that hurts you more than it does them.
27 Always pack wipes. If your kids go somewhere without you, send along wipes. It's like having a mom with them.
28 Do not allow the word wienies in your home.
29 Dress your little girls like, well, little girls.
30 Make sure your kids know how they like their eggs and burgers cooked. You don't want them to feel stress when ordering at the diner.
31 It's fine to brag about yourself to your kids.
32 Buy quaint wooden toys and hand-knit stuffed animals. But don't expect your kids to play with them.
33 Just say "No" to any toy or doll that comes with packets that have to be mixed with water.
34 Teach them to like cool music. Why suffer through The Wiggles when you could be enjoying Wilco or counting along with Feist?
35 Don't buy the most expensive school-picture package. It's a waste of money.
36 Give out awards for actual achievements.
37 You're never too old to dress up and decorate your house for Halloween. And it's more fun for everyone if you are into it. It also entitles you to more candy.
38 If the school year, new babysitter, or karate class gets off to a rocky start, don't totally stress out about it. Instead, think of the improvement that can be made by the end of the year.
39 Independence is a wonderful thing. For everyone. So is together time. Make sure you have a healthy dose of both.

some honest scrap

“The Honest Scrap award is given by other bloggers who consider a blog’s content or design to be brilliant. The awardee must then post ten honest things about themselves and pass the award on to other bloggers who fit the bill – in other words, whose blog is brilliant.”

HEF, from Spewage, passed this award on to me (and Christine). Here are my ten honest things about me in no particular order...

1) I don't know what I'm doing and worry that I'll just run out of time before I figure anything out. For real. I don't have a 'vision', viable mission statement, or long-term goals. I want to be a good mother, wife, friend, daughter and sister.

2) I won the family lottery. For reals. It's insanely unfair who I get to count as family and I'm eternally grateful.

3) I worry that we'll never have enough financially and then upon reflection realize that I don't really care. I think I care about losing a game that others think is important. And that's sillier than playing the game. Yet, here I am.

4) I have a limitless capacity for sleep. I'm not sure what my limit would be as I've never apparently neared my saturation point.

5) You know how we often say things about past negative experiences forming who we are today -- in someway embracing the experiences? I don't subscribe to that. Maybe we'd all be that much more fabulous for not having some of our negative experiences. I think I'd have more trust, less shame, and more confidence.

6) I was thinking the other day about what one thing I could change that would most greatly improve my life. I have a lisp speech impediment and if I could become confident despite the fact that people struggle to understand me at times, it would open doors. There are situations that I could really shine in if I could only speak.

7) It's totally unfair, considering my family lottery winnings, but I also have incredible, incredible friends. Like people who I can tell my whole truth to and still be loved and supported.

8) I no longer watch the news. It makes me sad and I am not sure that it edifies me in any way. My only news comes from Google headlines, NPR Radio news, Salon.com, the Sunday paper, and the occasional browse through cnn.com.

9) I want to learn guitar but all past/current attempts have shown my lack of willingness to put any effort into it. What does that mean? I mean, I really do want to learn it. I swear.

10) I love tall people hands. This may be because I have short people, chubby hands. They are square'ish -- reminiscent of Fred Flintstone. I'd bet that learning to love my own hands would be a good thing for me. Or, if that's not an option, ending my hand envy of the talls out there.

Ten honest things were not easy for me. Choosing just two people to pass this along to was even more difficult. Maybe everyone should do this post (hint hint). Should they choose to accept it, I now pass this esteemable award onto:

Steph

Alina

synergy and miscellany

{synergy}
that's what y. called it and that's what it is. Yesterday, we both tackled difficult appointments with an 8 year old and a 2 year old and a whole bunch of time in the car. And we rocked it. We rocked it so hard that after handling the appointments, we took the kids to lunch, returned stuff (always a hassle - at least for me) and did a little shopping. We were both home in time to make dinner for our families. Truthfully, Y. rocks at this pace all the time. But me? Any one of the items (especially the appointment at the attorney) would be enough for me to call it a day. It was wonderful and the kids had so much fun. Couldn't really ask for more. Maybe I should work on considering whatever get done in a day enough. What if it was enough?

Also, in light of my last post, Y. was observant and kind enough to remind me that I had been just fine before the latest IRS/lawyer stuff. It's amazing how quickly it seems like nothing is right and never has been and maybe never will be. Why am I so quick to doubt and blame myself? My lack of balanced perspective is disturbing to me. How do you guys keep an adult's broad perspective on things? Please do share.

{miscellany}
Nora was playing with a bus on the piano keys. I walked by and said, "No cars on the piano." Nora replied, "Dis notta car. Dis a coobus." Helpful cherub that she is, she then went and got a car and brought it to me and said, "Dis a car." I suspect that this is only the beginning of her knowing more than I do.


This morning, I said to Nora, "I see you're a bit argumentative today." She yelled, " NO I NOT!"

I was cuddling with her and told her I wished she could be little forever. She said, "Oh, mama." and promptly got up and started walking around the house on her tippy toes.

I am encouraged for Birdybean's future when I see Nora with her baby lately. She talks so tenderly to her (although she calls it a good boy, so maybe it's a him in pink clothing and nailpolish), rocks her, changes her. SO tender. If you don't count throwing her down the stairs regularly.


Thanks to Y's shopping genius, I finally found bedding for Nora's big girl bed. I had given up hope of finding something I really liked -- even when I removed cost from the equation, I was still coming up empty. I'm so happy to have found this Laura Ashely Fairies quilt. It's a nice muted pink (not as bright as the pic) and will look darling in her room. Bonus-Miss N likes it, too!
I'm going to start with Nora's mattress on the floor due mostly to my fears of her falling. Additionally, I'm not sure what kind of bed we will buy her. It really depends upon the gender of the so-far elusive Birdybean.

it's too warm to be this frozen

i am frozen and i don't know why. Is it depression? Is it because I'm not doing whatever it is that I should be doing? Is it because I'm just plain tired? Is it a personality defect? Pure laziness? Is it because I'm pregnant and my allergies are acting up? Am I just overwhelmed? WHAT IS IT? And really, more importantly, why can't I just DEAL like everyone else on the planet? This freezing up in the face of (fear? sadness? too much? life?) is bad for deer in traffic and bad for me.
The only way I can figure to unfreeze is to try each item and give it a jiggle to see if it frees me. Starting with the worst first. The IRS has contacted me regarding my former employer. This as at the end of last week -- I just called my attorney and updated him on the status of things. He is going to call the IRS agent on my behalf and get back to me. Poor birdybean is doing cartwheels making me feel guilty for stressing out so much.
In an effort to unfreeze more, I will finish laundry tonight and get the house properly straightened. We'll see what temperature tomorrow brings.

is it juvie or juvey?

i had sort of planned on a life where i wouldn't really need to know how to spell it. However, this morning we learned that Jordan is in juvenile detention for 18 days for beating another boy up badly. What we really learned, though, is that the family has been lying to us over they year that he has been home. We've been told that his grades aren't that good but that everything is going okay. I don't think they put you in detention for your first offense. My MIL told Joe that he has made his own choices and that at some point you have to let go of them... he's fifteen. It all makes me want to cry and throw up and yell and cry. We are waiting on information to see if we can visit him tomorrow and hope to regain custody of him asap. I will update when I know something.