when you don't know what to do

do something else. :P So instead of worrying about Jordan, I'm joining a spring cleaning bandwagon from one of my new fav blogs, Simple Mom. I'm almost a month late, but I did Day One and feel super motivated to move on. I should let you know that I only did one floor and it took me two days. But that is totally just me. I'm sure normal peeps would knock this out in the recommended 2 hours. Here are my before and after pictures... oh, and my dining room only has before pictures. It shouldn't complain because the living room didn't even get a before pic.

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

A Lonely Before:

(it should be noted that we do not regularly keep twenty pairs of shoes under our table....)

is it juvie or juvey?

i had sort of planned on a life where i wouldn't really need to know how to spell it. However, this morning we learned that Jordan is in juvenile detention for 18 days for beating another boy up badly. What we really learned, though, is that the family has been lying to us over they year that he has been home. We've been told that his grades aren't that good but that everything is going okay. I don't think they put you in detention for your first offense. My MIL told Joe that he has made his own choices and that at some point you have to let go of them... he's fifteen. It all makes me want to cry and throw up and yell and cry. We are waiting on information to see if we can visit him tomorrow and hope to regain custody of him asap. I will update when I know something.

an im i wanted to keep

{Instant Message 04.15.2009}

(9:21:35 AM) Becca: mommy is baggin up daddys clothes for the sale...
(9:21:45 AM) Becca: do you want anything?
(9:54:51 AM) sarah: oh
(9:54:53 AM) sarah: suspenders
(9:55:11 AM) Becca: thats why I've been calling you
(9:55:15 AM) sarah: sorry
(9:55:17 AM) sarah: i was sleeping
(9:55:17 AM) Becca: its ok
(9:55:21 AM) Becca: sorry!
(9:55:22 AM) sarah: no ringer on
(9:55:45 AM) sarah: that's so sad
(9:56:00 AM) Becca: mama says shes already got em set aside for you
(9:56:21 AM) Becca: i knew we were gna get rid of it, but not so fast
(9:56:26 AM) Becca: this is not ok with me
(9:56:35 AM) sarah: it sucks
(9:56:37 AM) sarah: go help her
(9:56:42 AM) sarah: its not easy on her either
(9:56:46 AM) Becca: I think shes already done
(9:57:06 AM) Becca: I just got home from work and saw what she was doing
(9:57:21 AM) sarah: ok
(9:57:24 AM) sarah: poor mom
(9:57:25 AM) Becca: I know hes gone but idk how to explain it
(9:57:28 AM) sarah: I'd hate to do it
(9:57:30 AM) sarah: i know
(9:57:36 AM) sarah: just want to keep everything
(9:57:39 AM) Becca: yeah
(9:58:25 AM) Becca: I'm keepiong the blue tux shirt
(9:58:48 AM) sarah: lmao
(9:58:52 AM) sarah: that's what I just thought to ask for
(9:58:55 AM) Becca: I love it
(9:58:59 AM) Becca: lol
(9:59:00 AM) Becca: sorry
(9:59:03 AM) sarah: no prob
(9:59:21 AM) Becca: I cant think of anything else I want
(9:59:38 AM) sarah: me neither
(9:59:39 AM) sarah: its fine
(9:59:42 AM) Becca: cant we just box it all and keep it?
(9:59:44 AM) sarah: for real
(9:59:53 AM) sarah: no
(9:59:57 AM) Becca: why not?
(10:00:01 AM) sarah: i think that's called hording
(10:00:26 AM) Becca: i dont give a shit what its called I dont want to see any old guy in town wearing daddys clothes
(10:00:42 AM) sarah: LOL
(10:00:49 AM) Becca: its not funny!
(10:01:02 AM) sarah: Dad's a good sharer
(10:01:18 AM) Becca: dad might be but I'm not
(10:01:23 AM) sarah: no. you're not
(10:02:16 AM) sarah: oh i miss him
(10:02:27 AM) Becca: me too
(10:02:30 AM) sarah: i keep trying to think of things to keep but none of it is going to do the job(10:02:39 AM) Becca: I know
(10:03:02 AM) Becca: its just getting harder everyday hes not here sat home where he should be
(10:03:11 AM) sarah: i know
(10:03:20 AM) sarah: i keep wanting to call him for advice
(10:03:34 AM) Becca: or when I get lost and I'm driving idk who to call anymore
(10:03:45 AM) sarah: lol
(10:04:32 AM) Becca: ...and there another thing
(10:05:18 AM) Becca: i wish daddy and ben could have met
(10:05:22 AM) sarah: yes
(10:05:27 AM) sarah: all of those things will be hard
(10:05:49 AM) Becca: i miss him so bad
(10:05:50 AM) sarah: can you think of anything else to keep of dad's?
(10:06:01 AM) sarah: i feel like I"m missing an opportunity but really can't think of anything
(10:06:03 AM) Becca: I kept a pocketknife
(10:07:31 AM) sarah: is there another pocketknife?
(10:07:35 AM) Becca: yeah
(10:07:36 AM) sarah: that's a keepsie thing
(10:07:39 AM) Becca: theres three
(10:07:42 AM) sarah: ok keep one for me, please
(10:07:53 AM) Becca: i will for sure
(10:08:02 AM) Becca: do you want a handkerchief
(10:08:06 AM) sarah: YES
(10:08:14 AM) sarah: maybe we could roll around in all of his clothes...
(10:08:21 AM) sarah: make blankets out of it
(10:08:33 AM) Becca: I say we do it
(10:08:39 AM) Becca: I want a daddy blanket
(10:08:58 AM) Becca: but who are we going to hire to sew?
(10:09:00 AM) Becca: lol
(10:09:12 AM) sarah: lol
(10:09:15 AM) sarah: well, none of us
(10:09:30 AM) Becca: yeah but thats a good idea
(10:09:31 AM) sarah: Sue sews
(10:09:47 AM) sarah: all of tshirts and flannel shirts
(10:09:55 AM) Becca: huh?
(10:09:59 AM) sarah: little quilts
(10:10:06 AM) Becca: i like that idea
(10:10:10 AM) Becca: imma run it by mom
(10:10:17 AM) sarah: ok
(10:10:19 AM) sarah: see what she says
(10:10:58 AM) Becca: she wants to know what to keep
(10:11:06 AM) Becca: says she got risd of all the tshirts
(10:11:22 AM) sarah: tshirts, flannels, cottons
(10:11:35 AM) sarah: i guess anything that could be cut up to make squares on a blanket
(10:11:43 AM) sarah: becca -- we could HAND SEW them!
(10:11:49 AM) sarah: like how to make an american quilt
(10:11:56 AM) Becca: dude...
(10:12:01 AM) Becca: im in!!!
(10:12:08 AM) sarah: how hard can it be?
(10:12:14 AM) Becca: we could figure it out
(10:12:22 AM) Becca: and you dont work anymore
(10:12:27 AM) Becca: we have plenty of time
(10:12:34 AM) sarah: excellent
(10:12:40 AM) sarah: we just have to cut squares
(10:12:43 AM) sarah: and sew them
(10:12:45 AM) sarah: i can do that
(10:12:53 AM) sarah: i've just never been MOTIVATED to sew
(10:12:56 AM) Becca: shouldnt we have somthin under it....
(10:13:11 AM) Becca: like the squares on top
(10:13:15 AM) sarah: well we'll have to have something sewn to the back
(10:13:19 AM) Becca: and a cotton sheet under it?
(10:13:21 AM) Becca: right
(10:13:23 AM) sarah: yeah
(10:13:31 AM) sarah: tell mom we need her sheets!
(10:13:34 AM) sarah: just kidding
(10:13:38 AM) Becca: ew lol
(10:13:59 AM) Becca: k were making blankets
(10:14:12 AM) sarah: excellent
(10:14:12 AM) Becca: im so excited we figured out a way to keep it all
(10:14:14 AM) sarah: me too
(10:14:16 AM) sarah: lol
(10:14:19 AM) sarah: we're sick
(10:14:21 AM) Becca: lol
(10:14:26 AM) Becca: I KNOW!
(10:14:28 AM) Becca: but idc

{as of 05.20.2009, nothing has been done to make these blankets a reality...}

thanks in advance

can one of you ladies try this out for me? Because I'm just curious.

10 things that make me terribly happy

`a la the rockstar diaries

1. joe scratching my back
2. clean sheets and the time to devote to appreciating them
3. the anticipation of getting the mail
4. a long drive and this american life
5. mcdonald's diet coke, first press olive oil, and garden tomatoes
6. the peace i get from time with my y.
7. that moment when everything essential on the to do list is done
8. nora's belly and feet and well, just everything nora
9. feeling a baby kick, it's so private and wonderful
10. laughing with my mom and sisters

what i never wanted

i don't want my dad to have a headstone. Becca went to the cemetery today and I don't know why this picture breaks my heart all over again, but it does.

for steph

birdybean at 16 weeks.

Bonus: if you look really closely you can read tips on taking care of your teeth!

oh so much going on and so little of it moves me to record it. I've been working with my mom to find a new house in the school district we've selected for Nisey and today, for the first time, there was a house we liked. Exciting. And encouraging after about twenty houses that we didn't care for at all -- we were seriously getting worried and entertaining thoughts of her building on our property. Today we are working on staging her home for the market. It's all so difficult -- she takes my advice seriously and I just pray that it's good advice for both her and the girls.

Nora is rockin' and rollin'. We still use Thinkbaby sippy 'cups' with a nipple: My next hurdle with her will be to get rid of the nipple tops. After that, I will nudge her more towards potty training. A year ago she was SO interested in it and now she doesn't even want to talk about it.

Birdybean's big 3-D debut is scheduled for June 9th in the afternoon. Because I left my job, we need to switch our coverage over to Joe's employer. Only we can't do that until my coverage is terminated and I get official notification of it. I have tried and tried to get the information and will eventually get it... The problem is that I have no real way of knowing if the new plan will cover things nor do I know our true expense on any of it. BLAH BLAH BLAH, it all boils down to me hating having important things up in the air and having no control over getting them settled. It all makes me want to go back to bed.

i heart my crockpot.

this is cooking right now in crockpot, the kitchen is clean, and the dishes are running in the dishwasher. My house smells yummy, I'm going to have lunch and spend the afternoon with my BFF, AND my husband will be ever so pleasantly surprised by dinner. I followed most of the directions from the crockpot lady -- adapting it do what we had around. I'll update after we have it to confirm it's suspected deliciousness.

Alina did me a huge favor and clued me in to calling my doctor to check on my antidepressant dosage. I do have a lot going on and my dad did just die -- that said, I've been SO overwhelmed. I'm thrown off if I have to shift gears and if the phone rings, it fills my heart with a mix of despair and anxiety. (The phone thing is normally my first clue of depression.) I'm so excited to have been given the clue before it got any worse. I could have wasted the beautiful summer feeling off before I recognized the signs. I'm in my second trimester so I'm hoping we can do the adjustments as cautiously as possible. I'm going to make our appt for 3D ultrasound before I leave the house today -- the doc gave her referral so if Birdybean cooperates, we'll know her/his gender in early June in addition to checking out the palate and such.

Something nice before I close: Nora told me yesterday that I was her favorite girl. Heaven.

miscellany.

i have nothing specific to record but am getting out of the habit so am forcing a post. No need to read -- perhaps I should start a label for that. Just so you'll know. This weekend , we had three first communions. Very sweet (and very long and boring). It was good to see everyone and we even fit in a 'date' to go see Joel McHale. Chris Porter (from Last Comic Standing) opened for him. Both were very funny.

Joe and I laughed the whole time - what fun! We must remember to go out just the two of us even though it seems like a ton of work to make it happen. It just makes me like him more and more.

I've been missing my dad something terrible. Yesterday I had good cry when we drove by the funeral home. It's so hard to feel this pain and then know that everyone you love is feeling it too. It just seems like too much. I keep reaching for some cosmic feeling that he's here with me or at least he's happy beyond understanding.... nothing is what I grasp. I just want my dad back. In the simplest and most primal way, I want my daddy.

Last Friday, Nora and I got to hear Birdybean's heartbeat again. It was in the 150's. The heartrate old wives' tale and the Chinese Gender Chart both indicate that Birdybean is a girl. I can't wait to find out. I got a referral to the ultrasound specialist so we should be able to find out the gender in the beginning of June. Nisey really doesn't care for the name, "Birdy" so she insists that this child must be a boy to save it from this name. When I told her about the Chinese chart she replied, "Well, we're not Chinese."

Tonight, we're all going to see a few houses with my mom. One of them is a possible contender so we're going to see what the girls think about it. Should be fun as I always love hearing their perspectives.