aught nine oughts

2009 and i don't do resolutions. But I could embrace some things. Things like forgiveness, growth, acceptance, and faithfulness. Like most people, these are things that I need to extend to myself more so than to others. I'm excited to have a brand new year to write on checks and memos and even more excited to have the clean slate of a new year. There's nothing like a new notebook.

My grandma was born in 1909 and my family will gather on what would have been her one hundredth birthday to celebrate and remember her. We're making a book of her recipes and our memories of her. My contribution is a copy of her whole wheat bread that she wrote out for me. It's so precious to me and I feel ashamed that I haven't made it in years. I think I'll introduce Nora to her great-grandma's bread this weekend.

this nonsense has no place in 2009

sometimes when it seems i cannot bear more, i go looking for trouble. In this case, while my dad was in ICU and I was worrying over him, and Becca, and work was overwhelming, and I was coordinating family, and I was barely seeing my own family, and, and, and... I decided to track down my birth mother and her family. I don't know if I've told this story on here before but I 'found' my birth mother through unusual circumstances well over ten years ago. From that circumstance, I received basic medical and ethnicity information. Unbeknownst to her, I also saw her one time and learned that I come by my badonkadonk behind honestly.
While my dad was in ICU, my one set of aunt and uncle visited daily. Because my dad was out of it, we had some nice, long conversations. We were discussing the effects of adoption upon adults (specifically the identity crisis of ages 17 - 22'ish) and they shared with me some of their experiences with my cousin (also adopted). My aunt then talked about how fascinating it has been to see us adopted kids 'revert' to our birth family ways. She gave some examples with my siblings and her own children. I can't say that the examples were positive in nature. It wasn't until later that night that it occurred to me to question what she thought I was 'reverting' to...

Enter cyberstalking.
And a strange mix of resentment, abandonment, and relief.

My birth mother's daughter (who shares a name with my sister who I named) is in medical school at a highly regarded school. She's president of the American Medical Student Association there and also maintains a 4.0 average. Her son is in graduate school for psychology having already completed his law degree. When he's not busy with his studies, he evidently runs marathons.
I. shit. you. not.
My gut reaction was 'no wonder they didn't want me.' All intellect and reason went out the window and I actually felt injured. I should back up a little here... Before having Nora, I always felt grateful to my birth mother for putting me up for adoption (rather than aborting, I guess.) After having Nora, I felt a bit different. Not about whether or not she should have given me up, but about the circumstances. She had arranged a private adoption that fell through when the couple backed out because I was born with a cleft palate. From there, I was a ward of the state and through God's own grace eventually ended up with my family. After having Nora, I find this unforgivable. Not unforgivable in a way that I'll never get over it, perhaps more unfathomable. And now what to do with this? Well, nothing, I suppose. It just is and will be.
I'll leave you with this gift of a response from my friend, M., to whom confessed my craziness. I surely did get lucky in life...

"You are the greatest gift your family has ever received. That family is stupid and shallow and didn't know anything about anything. Please don't think for a second that they had the capacity to choose or not choose or think about it. Thank God every day for the gift he gave you by giving you the parents you have. For the man that knew that throwing pennies ahead of you would fill your heart with joy. For the sisters who make you laugh from deep inside.
I know this for sure. If you had been raised by that family, I never would have met you. Your family wouldn't have the incredible example of love and loyalty and intellect and humor and beauty that you are to them. God chose a family for you and you for a family.
Your marathons are run on hospital corridors and trips to McDonald's to comfort your sister. Your trips are longer and more rewarding because your water stops are manned by the people who would die for you and for the people who thank god for knowing what was best when he gave you to us. Let those people go baby. They could never be worthy and your being with us makes us feel humble."

and so, in 2009, I will let those people go.

happy happy christmas

i hate 'catch up' posts and feel sorry that Christmas has been relegated to being one. But because this blog has taken the place of all other journaling you'll have to tolerate my babble.

Our holiday was lovely. On the 24th, we visited Joe's family in Pontiac and on Christmas Day we went to my mom's house. Nora had a blast both days playing with her aunties and cousins. I forgot the memory card for the camera on Christmas Eve so I have no photos of the day. Hopefully, family will provide us with our 'memories'. Here is Nora helping me make Chex Mix without the 'mix' part (just how we like it.)

and with her furreal lamb from auntie Y.

the lamb was a toy that I just couldn't live without so I'm glad she likes it, too.

On Christmas morning, she came down and immediately saw her bike and whispered "new bike. new bike. new bike. " When we asked her who brought it she said, "santa!" Too funny because she seemingly hadn't really grasped the concept of santa. She got right on it and later, attempted to put all of her other gifts in the back bucket and rode around the house. I hope that she soon learns to steer...

It was so nice to have Becca home for the holiday. I can't wait until she's here for good. I'm worried that she's battling depression as she just isn't herself lately. I'm hoping that its just part of all of the adjustments she's going through. She and I got pedicures together on Wednesday an while I loved being with her again, I still miss my girl and will get her back.

Joe and I had a $20 limit for each others' gifts. He got me yoga toes and a Barry Manilow CD. We were discussing not enforcing low limits next year... until we stopped and purchased a brand new television/stereo/sound system. We are now the owners of a ridiculously large television. They'll call next week for delivery and installation.

In other news, I somehow sprained my ankle for the first time in my life. On Christmas day, I had pain in my ankle. I limped a bit, but that was it. Around one in the morning, I awoke in excruciating pain. Joe kindly brought the computer to bed so that we could diagnose it ~ as Steph was unavailable. We thought it was gout because I had no swelling or trauma. Personally, I was sure it was gout because gout was the ugliest sounding thing on the list and I figured with my luck... Anyhow, I couldn't drive and didn't want to wake Nora so we waited until morning and went to the doctor. The doctor thought it was odd but believes it is sprained and gave us vicodin and bandages... It's the slowest onset sprain I've ever heard of. In fact, this evening, it is just now swollen... Whatev. I just hope that I'm able to walk soon.

first haircut

its a milestone that we're late to visit, but it teared me up nonetheless. I was surprised at my emotional response ~ I think that it's one of the last baby book moments and that makes me sad. Here she is in the shiny car (I was so glad she didn't pick the cop car)...

Her hair was so long that she had to disembark.

forks. more than a town of vampires.

i had a client meeting the other night. We meet about monthly to review strategies. When I came to the table, she immediately said, Sarah! You've lost so much weight!


Unfortunately, this is not true. The only thing different was that I had my hair pinned up(or forked up, as the case may be.) Worth noting. I guess I should be lazy about my hair more often.

sometimes goodbye's the only way

that's how dante's mom opened the carepages post that broke all of our hearts. please pray for dante and his family. i've mentioned him briefly -- Dante has battled neuroblastoma for almost half of his little life and there is nothing more that can be done. The fucking cancer is back and making that poor little baby hurt. His mom and dad are wishing for one more holiday with their baby boy. It seems like so little to ask of the universe.

pride goeth...

i was just going to record how proud i was of nora because she asked for hummus and broccoli for a snack. We're pretty casual about her food and I just try to offer her good choices and for the less healthful snacks, I try to buy organic, etc. But I don't freak about it. I figure she averages a pretty healthful diet. Anyhow, I was so proud that she requested it...
until she fell down the stairs. Almost. Completely. Down. The. Entire. Open. Wooden. Staircase. She is fine now. I have yet to recover. It was even worse than my imagined child falling down those stairs scenario... and it turns my stomach to think about it. We've debated how much freedom to allow her on the stairs and I'm the one who decided that she could go up and down herself. She normally does so well. My poor baby -- everything moves, she's not lethargic, didn't vomit, and isn't complaining about anything. I gave her some milk and Tylenol and cuddles and cuddles. I feel so guilty. And then I feel even more guilty because I've turned her accident into my issue. I see therapy in her future.

post secrets

do you read postsecrets? I love them and just got the newest book this week. I enjoy seeing the commonness of being human. I thought I'd blog my own secrets, but now that I'm here, they take my breath away. I didn't realize how powerful they were until I came here. I think I might submit a few of my own to the book in an attempt to take away their power. It's not that nobody knows them so why are they so powerful? I'm going to work on writing the worst ones out for myself and see how that feels and then move on from there...
Everyone has secrets, right? Are they all powerful?

happy birthday, dad. thank you, world.

today is my dad's 65th birthday. And he was moved out of ICU! I couldn't ask for more. Thank you to each of you praying for us, thinking of us, and supporting us. I feel so completely blessed. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

what it's like

i’m sitting in icu with my dad. He’s ‘napping’ (as much as one can in the ICU) and I have my laptop with me so the time will pass a bit easier for me today. If I can stop studying his screens, I just might get some work done. That would ease my guilt about work some. My dad looks so much better. It’s really an incredible difference from Saturday when we thought we were going to lose him. He has color, jokes around a bit, and even eats some. His body isn’t expelling CO2 properly and when it builds up, it basically poisons him. He’s on a bipap machine helps take the CO2 out of his system and when he starts to become ‘benout’ (I’ve no clue how to spell that) as he and my mom call it, the bipap seems to really do the trick. My dad is agitated and confused in between being his old joking self. He removes tubes, IV’s, and monitors at will. They had to add a bed alarm because he got up in the middle of the night and started messing with things. I think he hears the beeping and tries to fix whatever he hears. When he’s not doing well, that’s where it gets terrifying. Some of the confusion talk is frightening when I wonder if some sort of permanent damage has been done. What’s scarier is when he desats. He seems to be fine and then suddenly, his blood oxygen levels plummet. His color fades and he starts to shake and it’s just simply unbelievable to me while it’s happening. Yelling his name, waking him, shaking him a bit all seem to correct the problem and then his numbers will shoot right back up to the 90’s. It’s just so frightening and unbelievable and unfair and wrong. And here’s what I really want to get down on paper. I’ve always imagined death as a process. I imagined that my loved one would slowly fade. Perhaps an illness that you never really come back from, a few hospitalizations, all the while slowly transforming into our purest form. I know that some people pass on (a whole other post – what word do you like for dying?) suddenly due to accidents, but still imagined perhaps reduced capabilities, and then reduced consciousness, and then the inevitable goodbye. When my dad was desatting this weekend, he was going from joking and complaining to nonresponsive. He’d be ‘gone-ish’ and then the ventilator gets hooked up and within a couple of hours, he’s right back to being himself asking for the television remote. So instead of this spiritual transformation I’ve imagined, it’s this mechanical battle. When the mechanics aren’t working, does that mean that the soul is ready for transformation? What if it’s not? What if I’m not? Is that all it is?
update: I just had to authorize them to intubate my dad if need be. How can this be happening? I keep telling myself that I’m overreacting and that he’s going to be just fine. Seriously, I’m just overreacting and then he desats and my denial gets tested. No worries. My denial is strong.
My poor little daddy. I just want to cuddle him up.

sarah's dad can do anything

when i was little (and even when i wasn't), my dad would fix the unfixable and find the unfindable. When a seemingly irreparable situation would present itself, he'd look at me and say, "Sarah's dad can do anything." (he also said this to each of my sisters. although, oddly, he would change the saying to their name)

please let this be true.
He's in ICU on a 'non-invasive ventilator' and I just can't bear it. He has several issues going on right now and I would write so much more if I weren't about to fall over from exhaustion.

Please pray for him.

picture perfect

last year i was miserably behind on Christmas cards. I wrote a note to my future self to be on it. Future self was uncooperative. To make amends, I took today off and Nora and I went to get her pictures done for Christmas cards. I've only had professional shots done one other time. It seems that we always get a 'good' shot from somewhere around the milestones and I mark that off in my head as recorded. I was worried about how she'd interact with the photographer but she rocked it.
I couldn't ask for more. Ever.

what will i be when i grow up?

for the longest time, all of my closest friends and i have been brainstorming on the proper career path for me. They'd say, "We just need to figure out how you can be paid for what you already do." "How do we get you paid per problem solved?" and on and on... I do such a strange mix of things for friends and family that I love doing. Financial organization and debt reduction planning, home organization, finding and hooking into existing resources, research, advertising layouts, life event planning, figuring out what to do next... Like I said, a strange little mix. While doing these things, I lose track of time and am so content. Lately, it's been spreading to friends of friends and family. I've now done financial planning (not investment advising, etc) for people I know only through emails. A few weeks ago Y. needed me to coordinate something for her and then stumbled upon a possibly perfect career option. Life Coach.

Try not to judge the woowoo title. I'm struggling with it. Anyhow, I've been spending my time reading and researching and next week, Y and I are going downtown to hear a woman speak about training, certification, and specializations in the field. Although I'm very excited, I feel so hesitant to post it here. Like something might change due to the power of blogger. Or maybe that by exposing my innermost hopes and power I'm trusting the universe more than I usually care to. Good lesson, I suppose.