i see you

baby tylenol and tampons

i could write a whole bunch, but my current grocery list kind of sums it all up

car wreck

today i wrecked my car. i pulled out from a stop sign and never saw the truck that hit me. it was the strangest experience. Fortunately, no one was hurt and Nora was not even with me. Unfortunately, my car was undrivable and I'm incredibly sore. I was on my way to meet Yeenie for lunch and instead she came and picked me up. It was like coming home to see her pull up and smile and quickly blame the other dude. Joe was nice enough to come home and take care of the body shop and a rental and then pick me up from lunch. I'm confounded at never seeing that truck. I just need a small break.

aunt wilma

my great aunt wilma was in the army when she was young, divorced in the 40's, lived independently, voted democratically, set an example, drove well into her nineties, and loved fully. Today, she made her transition. How I wish she could tell us about it. Here are the best things I learned from her:


1) you can go to church without being sucked in by the bullshit. One year, right when I needed it, she gave me the book "Quitting Church without Quitting God"

2) you can hold completely different views and live them out without arguing with others

3) you should love, work, and laugh fully
4) serve others and give with a free and fully heart


I know she wouldn't believe in such nonsense as haunting; so I brazenly post the only picture of her that I can find, however unflattering. She is on the left with my Aunt Lois in the middle and my mom on the right.

a subway has never smelled so good

tomorrow night is a spaghetti supper for the youth group's mission trip. They're going t Maine to work with newly settled Sudanese refugees in June. Each family was asked to provide a stockpot of sauce for the dinner. I've been working all evening on a new recipe for it (in hindsight, maybe new recipes are not really for church dinners...). Jordan came in the kitchen before going to bed and said, "It smells like Subway in here!" I was like, "Is that a good thing?" and he excitedly replied, "Yes!" as if I should have known. I'm so happy he's liking it. It does smell delicious. I'm just hoping that at least some of the ton of wine in it cooks off soon. Jesus totally dug wine, right?

weekends

i love the weekends. this weekend, Joe had to work both days, so we missed him while he was gone, but still got everything done. In fact, we got a TON done. Joe and Jordan power cleaned the old deck and I shopped and cleaned. All in all, a good weekend. It sure made me appreciate Joe and all that he does. Things are just so much easier and more fun with him around. Here are the boys working

our little mvp

a girl needs her tools

yesterday i had a half day and wanted to be sure that i didn't 'waste' it by cleaning or whatever. So, Nora and I put her sandbox together. And we rocked it -- even though I had to constantly beg her to return the tools I needed. In the end, we ended up making her own tool bag with real tools as she would NOT be placated with play tools. She worked so hard and diligently. Taking ALL the pieces out of the box, paging through instructions, moving everything around the yard. You really couldn't ask for a better helper. Here's our project:

it got me thinking

the post about being fat has led me to some earth shattering news. Well, it's only earth shattering to me I bet, but still. This morning while perusing my workout dvd's for no reason at all, it occurred to me that if, in 35 years, I have not made working out part of my routine at ANY time, probably it's not for me. What a huge fucking relief. NOT. FOR. ME. Imagine what I might be able to do now that I'm freed from the daily guilt of not doing it. For starters, I'm giving all that shit away. Now that I've released the farce of working out (farcical only for me), I can focus on being active in ways that I enjoy. Playing bball after dinner, weeding, *shifting eyes* hanging out on line...

some of the things i love about my sugarfoot

• how she knows exactly what she wants
• the baby curls in her hair
• her love of moving heavy things all by herself
• how sweet she is with her babies
• how she lets me kiss and kiss and kiss on her. I hope she never stops.
• her love of her aunties
• her love of baths
• how she eats veggies so well
• her crooked little foot
• how she already knows to play quietly near bedtime hoping we won't notice the time
• how she cleans up her toys so nicely
• how she scrunches up her whole face to smell flowers
• how she pats my back while i'm holding her
• how she is somehow already funny
• how she helps set the table each night
• how she helps cook dinner -- the whole while eating whatever I've given her to 'work' on
• how, from whatever age she first looked at books, she has always had strong preferences
• how she never forgets
• how she loves her grandparents
• how her kisses are SO genuine. they're never just handed out
• how she loves to run away and can't wait for you to chase her
• how she stands and points to the floor and signs please (if we're lucky) to make us stand up and then gives us our next order
• how brave she is (or crazy) slides, trampolines, stairs are all no match for her
• how she says "Hmmmmmmmmmmm" when we open the pantry while she selects something to eat
• how she high-fives and then knuckles
• how happy she is to see us (Joe says almost as happy as we are to see her)
• how she 'hides' things and then looks at me and says "Where'd it go?" quite seriously
• the way she prefers to snack in her bath
• the way she lies down all the way on the ground after falling slightly. i hope she doesn't become THAT kid in PE class.
• the way she deadpans some people

Of course there's a million more reasons. I already feel guilty for whatever I've left off.

whoa. who's that?

the weird thing about being fat after not being fat is the shock that i experience upon certain mirror encounters and/or photo angles. I just had a mirror encounter and the exaggerated double take it caused me to make made me laugh out loud. Also, there are people who only know me fat which is weird in my head. Like wouldn't they be surprised to find out that I'm not fat in my head? Its not that I was ever a 'thin' person, I guess. I always wore around a size 10 and even then, I felt so fat. I never imagined I'd be this heavy. Never.

Here's what I know. I don't want to spend my life worrying about something that essentially only adds up to what size coffin/urn I'll need. fo sho I won't care then.

things i don't want to forget

Mom's favorite song is "The King of Love My Shepherd Is"

seeing Joe for the first time. he looked so cool.

When Becca was 2 yrs old, how she would say, "waasthat?" to EVERYTHING and how I loved answering

Gordon telling Yeen when she was pushing him to do little league or soccer, "Mom, I can't even sit indian style!"

things i don't want to forget

There are so many things bouncing around my head that I feel sure I'd never forget. However, I know for a fact that I've already forgotten some of the unforgettables. I'm going to start writing them out here without regard for chronology or importance.

Johna (age 3 or 4)
Johna and I were lying on Becca's bed cuddling and talking. She very seriously told me that Johna, Sarah, and Mommy were all princesses. "Mommy a princess. Johna a princess. You a princess!" She then remembered Joe and said, "Joe! Her a princess... no... her a QUEEN!" I laughed and encouraged her saying, "That's right, baby. Joe's a queen." I asked her about Daddy. And she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Daddy? DADDY? Her GOD!"

alluring voicemails

My friend, Maya, leaves the best voicemail messages. I'm pretty well known for not returning calls, but she knows just how to pique my interest. This morning's message: "Please, please, please... whenever we talk, we MUST discuss Barack Obama, his "religion" (the quotes are inferred from her tone), and West Virginians. This is imperative. Love you."

I'm going to start keeping her messages bc they always make me happy.

if i wasn't already taken,

i'd marry these freeze pops.

anesthesia

Yesterday I did the most essential things for work and then retired to bed. I had been feeling dizzy and sick. I slept all day and night with the exception of playing with Nora for a bit and eating dinner. I always second guess whether I'm dealing with a physical ailment or some side effect of depression or a not-so-sophisticated avoidance technique. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter. I feel a little shaky today but tons better.


Here's a picture of what Nora was doing when I thought she was watching cars out the window. Please note her blow your nose face.

democratic primary

clinton won indiana by some 23,000 votes. Disappointing, but not a defeat, as I know that the republicans (a'la operation chaos -- what a shameful movement) showed up to vote for her. All morning I've been considering whether I would do the same thing if the parties had been switched. It's legal to vote in the other party's primary and to vote for a candidate you think your party can beat, but it seems unethical and is, without a doubt, crummy behavior. I'd like to think that I wouldn't go to the polls simply to cancel out the votes of others. Wasting the time, efforts and funds of your opponents and their supporters seems less than democratic to me. Disenfranchised? yep. Bitter? Hell yes.