its fabulous

jordan left early saturday morning for youth mission trip to go work with Sudanese refugees who have been re-settled in, of all places, Maine. I miss him so much. It's a little unbelievable how much brainspace a kid who isn't even here takes. Did he get lunch yet? Is he having fun? Did he sleep well? Brush his teeth? Are the other kids being nice to him? On Friday night, we went to church and packed the kids up and then had a small prayer service. the kids were in a circle with the parents in a circle around them and there were candles on a table in the middle. Each of the kids had to light a candle for one of the other kids going on the trip and mention some of their strengths. Later, others joined in and said things like, "I pray for blah blah because blah blah" I was so proud of all of the children and wanted to do it, but really, between how quietly I speak and my lisp, it could be a train wreck. Luckily, my little sister, Johna (age 7), was with us. She got up and went into the circle and lit a candle and said clearly, "I pray for you all to have Jesus with you and be safe on your way to wherever you are going."

Johna spent Friday through Sunday with us. She's been asking to do this for 2 years, so it's really about time I made it happen. She came with a list of things she wanted to do with us (make s'mores, swim, crafts, and eat at that restaurant with red and black and gummy worms and dirt for dessert [TGI Fridays]) We did all of those things and more despite me being quite sick on Saturday which is just testament to what a wonderful father and brother-in-law Joe is. At the restaurant, Johna ordered ribs and while eating them, exclaimed, quite dramatically, "These ribs are FABULOUS!" She then went on to say that the salad was one of the best salads she'd ever had.

When you have siblings this young at my age (not so young), the relationship teeters between sibling and parent. I have adored Johna from the moment I laid eyes on her when she came as a foster child to my parents. I adore her so much that when I became pregnant, I worried that I wouldn't love my own child more than her. I finally decided that it didn't matter. I knew that I had enough love to give and if I loved them the same it would be more than enough. With the hope that Johna never reads this or learns of it, I'm going to tell you that somehow, against all reason, I, assuredly, love Nora more. This weekend I could just feel how it was different without ever deducting from Johna's love 'account.' This is somewhat of an odd relief to me as I worry so much about being good enough for Nora.