i've always felt a little less 'passionate' about motherhood than i expected. My expectations, combined with my perception of others' experiences, just seemed different from what I actually experienced. I thought I would be one of those mothers that was consumed by motherhood - loving every second of it to the exclusion of other things. But, that wasn't me. It certainly is not that I don't adore my daughter or that I wouldn't kill and/or die for her. Or that anything in my life takes priority over her. It's just different.
Last Thursday, she and I spent the day together. We went to a doctor's appt for her at U of C and then went to my office where she helped me work (for real and at her insistence) and then had lunch together. For once, I did not feel torn between roles and failing at all of them. I don't know why. But without that nagging questioning and negativity as my constant companion, I felt passionate about motherhood. Still maybe not the same as I thought it would be, but passionate nonetheless. It was wonderful and powerful and positive.
So now I am left to ponder... Was I holding back something (or enjoying/risking less) because I am working and know I can't do it full-time? Did I think others would judge it negatively? Or, is it just a simple matter of how much energy and time any of us has in a day? The more roles, the more they have to share the energy and time that we have. I'm going to have to give this equation some thought because it should be a guide for how we arrange our life once I 'retire.' Perhaps doing it all just makes it all suck.
26 January 2009
passionate motherhood
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3 comments:
Fascinating. I would love to hear more from you about this. :-)
Doing it all must definitely dilute it all in some ways, but then there is also the truth that focusing solely on your kids can have the same result. I left for 3 hours last Saturday morning to teach a writing workshop to kids. Not only was it really satisfying to get out there and think about writing for a little while, it gave me the chance to miss my kids and I was so happy to come home and snuggle, nurse and smell my baby. And watch Fintan play. It takes on a new joy when you get to leave it for a while. There's no denying it's a juggling act and the perfect balance is elusive.
Alina, thanks for that perspective. It is true that some days it feels so good to go accomplish something in the 'adult' world.
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