A State of Mind.

Being sick, that is. I was so sick yesterday. I couldn't imagine that I'd feel so much better today. It's kind of a weird thing because I have, of course, been sick in the past and each time I have gotten well. How is it that when you're in the middle of something, you just can't see your way out? When I thought of all I'd need to get done I just wanted to crawl under the covers. Today, I'm still achey and dizzy, but I look forward to the challenge. I wish knowledge like this would stay with me when I actually need it. Like yesterday. When I envisioned having to quit my job and living in squalor because I couldn't leave my bed...

Update to the Taxicab Massacre that Never Was

I didn't tell Joe about the cab because I wanted Jordan to tell him and I wouldn't be home in the evening. Evidently, Jordan told him right away and Joe said, "Aunt Sarah paid for that?" He said that Jordan said, "No! I did. It was my responsibility!" Joe said he looked SO proud. What a kid.

Also, Jordan had been saving up for Bathing Apes shoes and the cab ride made him just short of being able to order them this week. Lesson learned.

I hope.

Please don't let the driver be a murderous maniac.

Because I made Jordan call a taxi because he got up late and missed his bus. Poor thing is waiting out there in the cold now. Without a jacket (although he does have a hoodie on that he counts as a jacket). In the snow. I think he's just trying to make me feel bad.

When I ran into him in the dark hallway naked (thankfully it was DARK) and he told me he had missed his bus, I told him to let me get a shower and then I'd take him. (Side note: without the missing the bus thing it would be funny because we were talking through a wall.) In the shower I started figuring all of the my coordinates (mom coming to babysit at 8:30, deposition pre-meeting at noon downtown, school starts at 7:30, Nora hasn't been waking until 7:45, and on and on and on). Then, it hit me. I had not gotten up late. In fact, I had gotten up early. Got out of the shower, gave him the phone book open to taxis and a sheet with our address and school's address and told him to call around.

The good thing about this solution is that I didn't have to be mad at him. We could joke about how much it sucks to wake up late. Or, at least, I thought we were cool. Until he left without saying goodbye while I was on the phone...

I would love to really know what he thinks about all of this. Does he know that we're just guessing and trying to do our best? That we don't know the answers either?

Some good things about our relationship (to make me feel less bad): he tells me about little spats at school (for instance, Carly wasn't talking to him yesterday and he doesn't even know why), he cracks me up, he gets my humor, he's so kind to Nora, he really wants to do his best, I love this kid. And I know he'll forgive me a taxi cab.

One day.

Words Nora Says

So I don't forget:
Mom (and all variations), Dad (and all variations), Kitty, Snow, Tree, Nigh Nigh, Milk, More, Please, Various Animal Sounds (quack, meow, elephant, tweet, moo, baa, buzz, hop, roar), Light, Wall, Sink, No, Go, WhereGo?, AhdunNo, Cheerios, Nemo, Baby, Car, Book, Eebee, Eye, Sit, Pat Pat, Up, Bye...
I feel so bad... that's all I can remember right now. :(

Places I've Worn My Slippers

Back story: SteveDad got us a Kmart card for Christmas and our Kmart exceptionally sucks.

We went and bought diapers and such one day to use the card up. I also bought an ugly ass pair of slippers. They're faux moccasins in dark brown with pink piping -- cute, so far, right?--well, right up until the major pink bling on the tops of them. Major. For real. Anyhow, they were on clearance (surprise) and my feet are always cold in my office so I bought them for that specific room thinking that it didn't matter what they looked like.

TGI Fridays
Target
Gas Station
Local High School
Grocery Store
Post Office
Truck Stop (OK -- probably not a big deal)

Those are the places I can remember off the top of my head. Public places where I have worn slippers. Because guess what? They are so freaking comfortable they make me forgive the bling and lose all self-consciousness and sense of style.

I should go see if they have any more of them...

Just Breathe Already

I just have to accept that my 'new' life is full of schedule glitches that make my 'old' life a bit more difficult. Picking up after football, dropping off at youth group, baby sitter's dental appointments, pediatrician, guidance counselors, LIFE. That's all. It's just life. And it's my life. It's just a new adjustment and as someone who is anti-change, it makes me breathe a little too shallowly. Really. What would happen if I didn't do something right when someone wanted me to? And do I care?

Order! Order! I call order!

I need order today. There are too many things that need my immediate attention. Multitasking in these instances would not be helpful. I just need to get them straight and then tackle them.

Shriners Letter and Check
bdsatan's W2 prep
go downtown for W2 printing
Tax Software Installation
Thank you note to Grandpa Lloyd
IBA postcard
Rebate
Taxes for Sue, Carla, Bridg, Barb, Carla, M&D, Becca, Susie, Nise, Kristen, Y, Maya, and us
Check on Check Order
CB Ent Book Order
CB Promotional Flyers
AK Salary Increase
emails
Family Party Gifts
Family Party Dish
Mail
Ebay
Payroll
Payroll Printing
CRS
Vision Insurance
C&B O
Coat for Jman
Calculator for Joe

OK. Writing them tinily (not a word, I know) makes me feel like they're surmountable. I'll just do them. One at a time as I choose. Why I'm blogging this is really beyond me. A legal pad and pen would probably do in this case... All will be well.

On other and better notes, Nora said "Please" last night for the first time. It was the sweetest. She's been signing it for a while, but this is the first time she said it aloud. I did a little dance with her even though it was bedtime.

As I've updated this throughout the day, I'm pleased with what I've accomplished. I so wish I didn't have to go downtown tonight. It's so boring to go at night. The streets are dead, no one is in, and its cold, to boot.

11:33 pm
Final Edit
Dude. I totally rock.

He's a Prince

Jordan went to youth group last night and came home in an exceptionally great mood. We all laughed over a late dinner and then he took his shower and went right to bed. He was up early enough this morning to shower, get ready, and even have EXTRA time to watch videos and hang out. I'm so proud of him. He is also requesting extra work to earn money for special clothing which he informs me is very expensive... FIFTEEN dollars. I'm so enjoying these conversations because he's so earnest. And has absolutely no clue that the shirts I know he wants run $40 - $60. I have a package coming for him with a new outfit and workout clothes. I can't wait for him to get it!

Speaking of proud, Joe starts his new job today. I actually got to SEE him before he left for work. That alone is worth the change. I'm so proud of him. I surely lucked out when I found him. Best ever.

My Artiste

Nora is coloring now. Last night, she sat on my lap while I did some work on my laptop. She ws just using my pen on a manila folder. When she was done, she bent over the paper very purposefully and spit on the paper and then smeared it around a little. And then, was done.

I'm envisioning NEA funding, protested exhibits, and even more black turtlenecks. I'll photograph it later. Any mom would be proud.

And... the honeymoon is over...

just that quickly, too. I woke him at 8, it is now 8:30 and he has yet to grace us with his presence down here. Not a big deal -- just frustrating. :P

Who doesn't love a honeymoon?

Jordan moved in Saturday. We got his room together and worked on making it cool and not a guest room. As a family, we've watched movies (make that moviE as Nora has fallen in love with "Mo" and demands to watch Nemo over and over), shopped, gone to church, did a house project, played games and you know what? It's been wonderful. We had a family meeting yesterday and made our schedule and menu for the week. Next family meeting, we're going to discuss each of our responsibilities and expectations.

Nora and Jordan get along famously and always have. It's so cute to see her make a sullen 14 year old smile and laugh and put Nemo on AGAIN. One day and already she's wearing her britches all gangsta imitating her fav cousin. :P

Jordan went to Sr High youth group last night against his will and when I picked him up, he confessed it was fun. They played dodge ball and then had a short meeting. I asked him what the meeting was about and he said he didn't listen because it was for Sr High and he's a freshman. LOL. I love him. Truth be told? At this moment, if C demanded him back, I'd be heartbroken.

how YOU doin`?

I'll tell you how I'm doing. Just fine, thank you. While I was driving around today it occurred to me that I really am fine. I'm content, calm, happy, peaceful -- all those nice things we all strive for. I'm all of these things at the height of bdsatan's bullshit, adding a child to the family, dad's illness, blah blah blah (as if listing troubles will increase my peace!) This sort of self contained calm is just what I've been searching for.



I'd worry about losing this feeling but that would just be silly.

Questions I've been meaning to answer, Part 1

1) You pull double shifts taking care of everyone else, yet you neglect yourself. What drives you to do this? Guilt that you're not spending enough time with your kids? Concern that you're falling behind in your career? List three reasons why you feel you can't slow down.
I neglect myself in the following ways: 1) I do not exercise, 2) I do not eat properly, 3) I do not get enough sleep, 4) I don't give myself credit for all that I do accomplish, 5) I easily hate myself for doing or not doing these things. I've never been sure why I do it. I feel as though I'm out of time and I suppose, that if I were to do all of those things, I'd be selfish given the time constraints of life. Some of it also feels like self-sabotage. Anyhow. Why can't I slow down? Because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not doing enough and I'm afraid of disappointing. I guess I'm afraid of losing everyone and everything if I don't do the right thing. Now imagine you have to slow down. What would happen?
I would hope that I'd find out that I'd lose no one and that the things that matter remain. It would be such a big adjustment emotionally, socially, and financially. I can't honestly say that it wouldn't be an improvement.

Goodbye Ron

Ron M. passed on. He was found in his truck on the 27th and they say that he passed on the 24th. My heart aches for Marilyn and his family. His battles are over which gives me some measure of peace. The reminder of the brevity of life steals that peace and then kicks me.

A Fresh Year...

There's nothing I like better than a clean slate. I love new notebooks, clean mirrors, and the little ache that you have after the dentist cleans your teeth. Along these lines I'd expect to like this holiday more than I do. To me, New Year's Eve is such a set up for disappointment. If you miss the kiss at the correct second, if you break the resolution too quickly, if a hangover isn't what you needed to start off fresh... you have to wait a WHOLE year to correct it. I tend to ignore the holiday and go to bed on time. The only disappointment that remains is everything being closed for a holiday I'm not acknowledging.

Who decides what is too much?

Today we moved furniture around to make room for Nora's outdoor slide in the living room. It will be great fun for her but for some reason I'm already dreading any judgments on it. People say she's spoiled, but seriously... if it wasn't even her IDEA, it can't be spoiled, can it? Anyhow, that's my own issue - why do I try to imagine how people are judging me? If they don't tell me, what does it matter?

Some Foods I'd Better See on the Milk Carton SOON

Random food thoughts (maybe I'm PMS'ing?)

• Was I the only one who loved jello popsicles? There used to be pudding pops and jello pops. And the jello pops kicked any other kind of pops' ass.
• There were some bear claws in Texas that almost justified the state's existence. Here, I've found some "Texas Bear Claws" but only to have my heart broken.

My biggest fear is finding them and learning that they don't live up to the memory like Twinkies and EVERYTHING that Joe remembers his mom making as a child.

Did I mention that I have a cold and can't taste a damn thing? Luckliy, I keep eating hoping to TASTE something.

It's a Boy!

Surprise! It's a BOY! A strapping fourteen year old boy! We have been given custody of our nephew for the time being --- it's strange because the idea has been tossed around for quite a while and nothing ever happened. Now it seems that overnight, I'm meeting with school officials and cleaning out closets and trying to figure out just HOW much a fourteen year old eats. I'm not sure that parenting a one year old qualifies us for this, but we'll all land on our feet. All of those details will fall into place and we'll all grow and learn together. I'm oddly calm about the whole event. We adore him and already know that he fits well into our family. I don't mean to be naive or discount his 'problems', but I just feel really at peace.

I explained to him that if I ever had a boy, I had planned on calling him Robert and would he mind? Evidently, he would mind...

Oh, well. He'll always be Bobby in my heart.

It's a GIRL!

Nora covers her mouth now. She also carries my old purse around and wears necklaces just about every second she's awake. She plays with her tractors and cars just the same that she plays with her "people." She feeds her babydoll and helps her walk. It's not that boys don't or can't do these same things, it's so funny to see just how girl she is.

Even when she's cranky, she's a joy for me. I can't believe I get to witness her life.

Up too late

I can't believe that I've dropped something that benefitted my life directly. It's been like a month? Seriously, of COURSE I can believe it. That's where I totally suck. Whenever something is good for me, I drop it like a hot potato. Ain't none of that good stuff gonna' mess me up.