family resemblance

it would be so great

i was in my littlest sister's room recently and came upon a handmade book with a photocopy of our dad's picture on a funeral card. The book was titled something like "My Book about My Dad" and I assume that her therapist made it with her. In J's handwriting, it says, "Private! Do Not Open!" Heeding her order could have saved me tons of tears because inside, each day has a place for her to write and draw a picture and it is filled with things like this:


Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please come back. The accompanying drawing is a stairway going to the sky and one person near the top of the stairs and another crying person at the bottom.

Each entry continues with the same sort of heart wrenching theme. The last one says:

Dear Dad, I wish so hard you could come back. Because if you could, it would be so great. I love you.

Tomorrow is the one-year marker of my Dad dying. I never thought I'd bear one day without him and the passing of a year, rather than being a comfort, feels something like mockery. It makes me want to shout about fairness and how time doesn’t heal all wounds. Life without Dad feels less safe, less grounded, less protected, less guided, less fun, and less loved. I wish that we had some sort of tradition to mark the day -- I've been reading up on different cultures' traditions for marking this day. Having something that everyone recognized would be a comfort. Some kind of cultural 'this is how we do this undoable thing.' It’s funny because prior to this experience, I thought ‘Why mark a date of death? Wouldn’t it be better to celebrate their life on a birthday?’ Only my very body remembers what this weather and time of year brought. The ending blows of winter bring back the hospital, hospice, and loss. Whether I mark it or not, I will always remember. And I will always miss my Dad.

joy

grocery game virgin

no more. I’ve been reading blog after blog after blog about how to save money on groceries and household items. At first, I was like WHAT? No way, not worth it, too confusing, too many catches, not to mention the embarrassment (why is this?) of being the coupon lady in line. But the more I read, the more I thought about it. I certainly have the luxury of time to figure this out (although time without a baby attached to me is currently almost nonexistent). And who wouldn’t want to save money? The savings could be put away for our future, but most likely, it will fund ordering dinner in or little girl clothing! So, here is my first try at matching coupons with sales. I tried Target first. Tomorrow I hope to do Walgreens and Jewel. I sort of totally sucked at it, but I’ll hopefully learn soon. Here’s the breakdown:

Kashi Cereal… on sale for $2.88
used $1.50 mfr coupon
GE Reveal Light bulbs… on sale for $3.59
used $1.00/2 mfr coupon and $1.50 Target coupon
Seventh Generation Disinfecting Spray…..regular price $2.99
used $1.00 Target coupon and $1.00 mfr coupon

Bandaids… regular price $1.82
used $1.00 Target coupon
Glade 3 Wick Soy Candles… regular price $8.29
used $2.00 mfr coupon and will use $5.00 mail-in rebate

Kids Crest Toothpaste…………. regular price $1.97
used $1.00 Target coupon (should have had newspaper coupon $1.00)

Skittles…...regular price $0.69
used BOGO mfr coupon (Nisey got the free pack so just imagine it in the picture)

Clorox Toilet Wand Kit………….. regular price $9.69
used $5.00 mfr coupon and will use $5.00 mail-in rebate

Total Cost of Items: $52.78

What I Paid: $25.09

Total Savings: $27.69

What I did right: I planned the trip pretty well and only purchased things that I would normally purchase.

What I did wrong: I let Nisey have my free pack of Skittles. :P If I had been saving the Sunday Paper coupons, I could have saved an additional $2.00. In two instances, I should have printed one more coupon. I could have saved an additional $2.50. Here’s the biggy --- the Glade deal could have worked on their cheaper items. I could have worked it for free Glad Plug-Ins instead of discounted soy candles. I hate plug-ins and the soy candles smell so nice. For us, this was the best use of the coupons. If I corrected my errors, I could have actually come out $0.28 ahead!

four months

roberta layne
fifteen pounds, 11 ounces
twenty-six inches long

tummy time

first time eating

On the day after her 9th birthday, we visited the police station in the small town from which my mom had recently moved. We had to go because she told Mom that the 12-year-old girl (A) who had hung around that summer "raped" her. She doesn't really know what the word means and Mom didn't question her much beyond confirming that the girl had touched her in her private areas. Mom didn't want to needlessly interrogate her -- not knowing if she would have to be questioned by police officers. More importantly, she didn't seem to be telling so that she could rehash every detail. She wanted to tell the secret and know that Mom was not mad at her.


We celebrated her birthday thoroughly from morning to night and now today, we went to the police for guidance on how to handle this. Mom explained the situation to the officer. Our interest was twofold: How could we best protect and heal our girl? and How could the other girl be stopped from hurting other children and be given whatever help she needs? J. stopped playing with A. after this happened but she told Mom that A. would "look for her and find her" wherever she would ride her bike. The officer had openly ignored my mom's offer of her hand to shake when we came in, so I shouldn't have been surprised by his first question, "Is your daughter known for telling stories?" followed by "It's been a year and a half!" {Actually six months. Math is hard.} I explained to him that we understood that it was a touchy situation, that we weren't necessarily looking to convict the child, and that we were hoping for guidance on how to handle it correctly. He then told us that we should take J. to a medical doctor for an examination -- not that there would be any evidence but so that we would know whether there had been anything done -- to rest our minds. {Yes, officer. Putting her through further trauma will certainly put our little minds at ease.} After that, we should get her psychological help. {Ya' think?} I assured him that we would be seeking help for her but that our concern with him was how to best protect other children. He told us that this was the first time they had heard anything like this about A. and again expressed doubt about the story saying, "no one else has come in here about her." I told him that if they had perhaps we wouldn't have the story to tell. I asked him what he would do if it were his daughter and he said that he'd take her to a medical doctor for an exam, get psychological help, and go over to A.'s house and speak with her parents. I call bullshit on that. We asked him about the legal process and he explained that J. would be questioned by county officers who have been trained to work with children. He would be in the interview and would determine whether her story was true. He really emphasized that HE and not the other officers or anyone else would determine the truth. If he determines it is true, they will then pursue actions against A. In the end, we decided to go ahead and have the county officers work with her and will, of course, get her proper therapy. We now must wait to find out when the appointment will be scheduled. He indicated that it could be from a week away to a month away. {Does that seem like a strangely wide window to you?}

So now, we wait. And pray. And make our plan. We want the result to be that J. feels supported, loved, protected, and heard. We want her to know that we'd do anything for her and that she should be free from all secrets and shame. How do you make her free and safe when we couldn’t protect her?

bath time

birdy can use the bath ring now!

and so can nora!

thog life

i'm behind on this blog (among other things.) It's a vicious cycle -- I don't blog because I haven't blogged so I can't blog. Part of me thinks I should drop the blog if I'm going to turn it into a stressful thing to do but I really like having all of this information in one place and it's therapeutic sometimes to just put uncensored information out there. I mean, really, is there anything as self indulgent as my diary-all-about-me style of blogging? I love indulging though so I'm just going to brain dump here to feel 'caught up.' To my credit, I often think in blog form (really good blog form, I swear) and that should count for something... The term 'blinking' is already taken, so I'll call it 'thogging.' Goes perfectly with the tattoo I was considering...

{girls} I just am going to copy and paste some little items from Facebook statuses (stati?). I want to write my girls a letter each year of their life and have found the memories recorded here to be so helpful when writing them.

10.31.09 Awake. Looking at me. I swear she just smiled at me. ♥

11.08.09 I love it when Birdy laughs in her sleep ♥

11.12.09 I need time to stop for a bit. I blinked and she's three weeks old.

11.28.09 Playing with Nora. My pretend name is 'Alice.' Hers is 'pwetend refwigewator.'

11.28.09 Nora is for real cleaning for her pretend party

12.16.09 Birdy slept five hours IN A ROW!

12.20.09 Nora just declared 'Christmas in Washington' to be boring.

12.22.09 2 months old and full of gummy smiles ♥

01.06.10 On our first outing without diapers (for Nora, at least)!!!!

01.06.10 Evidently God has repeatedly asked Nora to 'keep an eye on Her cat.' Oh, and Her cat's name is Ellie - in case you were wondering.

01.09 Birdy slept through the night, 10p - 6:30a, and then slept from 8a - 12p. Let's hope she has found a love of sleep matched only by my own. ♥

01.13.10 Nora, Age 3, "I'm going to pee in the shower... because that's what people do."

01.15.10 Nora Quote of the Day: "You're my dude. I love you, dude."

01.20.10 Birdy is teething already! Poor baby.

01.26.10 Nora tells Joe a Knock-Knock joke and then says, "Now you tell me one!" Joe says, "Knock Knock!" and Nora says, "Go Away!"

01.28.10 Birdy smiles and laughs the second I put the camera down!

01.31.10 Nora upon waking up this morning, "I'm get old like you dad. I'm getting old with all this sleeping."

02.09.10 I just told Nora to clean up her toys. She is reluctantly doing it while singing, "I love my dad! I love my dad!"

02.09.10 Nora told Joe that he is the 'pwoblem' and she is the 'lution' (solution).

Birdy's baptism (on 01.31.2010) went well. Y. and her family jumped through hoops to be there and it meant so much to have them there to celebrate with us. In true form, my worries that morning were all about how I looked, how much weight I haven't lost, and how much my lisp would come into play. (Should the word 'lisp' have an 's' in it?) I'm so glad to report that once we were there with family, friends, and community, all of that flew from my head and it was all about dedicating our sweet baby girl.

Birdy wore the same dress that Nora wore for her baptism (in picture in post below.) It's just a simple, regular dress, but it made me happy to see it worn again. It was just a wonderful day. Unbelievably, we didn't get a family snapshot. Joe took a couple of shots of guests at our home -- I'll have to check them out and see if any have good shots of Birdy or Nora.
I've been helping my mom sort through her basement at the new house. The basement is full of things to be unpacked, organized, sold, or donated. Last week we found my baby Joey doll and my seven dwarfs. Nora has been having a blast with them.

As you can see, Joey was inspired by Archie Bunker's grandson and is anatomically correct. My parents bought it as a joke for one of my older sisters and she hated it. No worries, though, I was right there to scoop him up and love him. And now Nora has taken the torch. I'll have to take a picture of ours because his hair is all matted giving him a major receding hairline to compliment his charming looks.

{homekeeping} This leads me to the question~ what toys will you keep for your children? I will keep an obvious toys (favorite baby dolls, etc.) and I guess I'd keep any toys I deem good to keep around for visiting children. How do you decide? I don't want boxes of unused toys, but I am finding it fun to discover my old toys and share them with Nora.

My quest to find a homekeeping method that fits my insanity is continuing. I'm finding FlyLady to be very helpful. I used her methods after Nora was born and I was dealing with postpartum depression. This time is different as I'm not going back to work and need to find a different sort of groove. I've only gone as far as Day 4 (for weeks now) and am just trying to incorporate those concepts into my everyday -- I'll move on once these are well ensconced into my routine. These are not yer exact steps but my hybrid concepts are: prepare what you can the night before, take care of the little things as they occur, note how things flow best, and start the day off ready for anything (showered, dressed, makeup, whatever you need in order to possibly walk out the door). I especially like her 15 minute assignments. When I'm overwhelmed or unsure where to start, it is shocking how much can be done in just 15 minutes. Setting the timer and GOING always results in awesome stuff.

My goal is to have a kickass routine that flexes without stressing me out. Right now, it seems that Mondays and Fridays are great for getting all the laundry done and getting the house in order either prepping for or recovering from fun, relaxed family weekends. I feel dumb for putting this here because I know that most everyone does much more than I do in a day without the drama or imbalance. But it's my blog, damn it, and I need to get something rolling here.

Monday: Laundry, Bedding, Cleaning, Vacuuming Tuesday: Errands/Playdates/Creative Endeavors Wednesday: Have Mom over so that I can go volunteer or work on special projects at home. Thursday: Library Storytime then lunch and afternoon with Mom Friday: Laundry, Cleaning, Vacuuming, Meal Planning Daily: at least one load of laundry, dishes, litterbox, straightening, bills, picking up -- where does grocery shopping fit?

I'm learning that clean enough really is enough. I have a real love of having EVERYTHING done at the same time. That is just not currently realistic; nor is it balanced. If I ever go back to the work world (after the girls go back to school? what will i do?), I will get a cleaning service so that I can enjoy that everything is clean feeling without giving up time with the girls. But for now I need to remember that Birdy won't always be a tiny little baby who nurses every other minute of the day ~ and because it won't last I should just soak it all up and know that everything else will fall into place in time.

{totally random me stuff} On top of the regular February blahs, I have hair falling out by the truckload. I remember this from having Nora, but forgot how MUCH hair. It's just what I need when I'm feeling fat, pale, and depressed. I'm considering going tanning a couple of times just for that feeling of the sun. I swore off being a tanimal after Nora was born, but this is more like therapy for S.A.D. :P

Nursing Birdy has been the most wonderful experience for me. Nora was born at 33 weeks and my milk barely ever came in. She was in NICU and I was pumping every couple of hours day and night. I would only get an ounce or two each pumping session. Couple all of that with PPD and it just became impossible. This time around, it has been easy going and wonderful. I just can't say enough about how much I'm enjoying it all. The bonding, the convenience, the two of us... all of it. That said, my boobs are crizazy huge and I'm getting worried about them post breastfeeding. The are ridiculous and so ugly to me. The biggest nursing bra I could get was and I/J and I'm busting out of that. Before breastfeeding, they were about an F -- which was more than I'd like and now? Blech. Its worth it but I'm seriously considering a reduction once Birdy is done breastfeeding.

{stuff} Winter has brought its normal gift of dry, itchy skin. Here's what I'm loving:

Cetaphil for my face. It cleanses so gently and is so affordable.

Lush Sympathy for the Skin. Best. Cream. Ever.

the obamas welcome her...

remember? I'm pleased silly.

car seat advice - help

needed. I currently have an old Graco infant seat that I used for Nora. It was a hand-me-down from c. and I'm considering buying the Britax Chaperone to replace it. I'm weighing all options and really, just getting nowhere. I need to quiet my brain over it and just make a decision. Recap:

We have this: (only ours looks more.... used) Its an old hand me down Graco model that is not yet expired but will be soon (although not before we'd be done with it.) We never use the stroller with it.

I'm considering this: It's the Britax Chaperone infant car seat and runs about $230. Babies R Us is having their trade-in event which means I could get 25% off if I purchase before 02/20. Not a problem -- if I'm going to get a new car seat then the sooner the better.

Issues

• when I think about replacing it, I feel guilty because if its really not safe enough then why the hell did I have my precious Nora in it? Here's why: I didn't know better and by the time I started to learn more, Nora was in a new seat.
• Birdy is 3 months old, about 15 pounds and 25 inches long. The new seat would go to 30 pounds and 32 inches. How long would she really remain in an infant seat? 3 more months? 6 more months? What amount of time would be worth switching? With Nora, I hated the baby 'bucket', so I changed her quickly to a Britax convertible, and just used a sling to transport her. Nora loved the sling -- Birdy does not. This time around I still think that the baby bucket is a heavy pain in the ass. Only I also think its really useful. I can put it down, if necessary, to manage Nora, I have a 'place' for Birdy to sit in the library or other places, I can bring Birdy in sleeping from the car, and I can get Birdy all ready before we ever have to go outside.
• I have crazy worries of Birdy being hurt. I don't know if this is some sort of hormonal new(ish) mama thing or some sort of universal warning system that I should heed. Irrationally, because I've now considered a new seat, I now torture myself with the thought of what if something happened and I didn't get her the best seat?
• We don't have the money for the seat lying around but it wouldn't kill us and I suppose I'd be able to sell it on Craigslist when we're done....
• Here are the other seats we have. Nora's Britax Frontier: , a Britax Marathon (Joe's car) , and a Britax Boulevard (Joe's car)
  

Help me please. What would you do?

the fastest three months

of my life.

say a little prayer

this week's prayer:

Lord,
Give me the faith, the courage, and the trust to allow myself to be found by Your love and forgiveness this week.
Amen and amen.

first time bowling

we took the girls bowling today and had a blast. I, for one, am always in favor of family activities that include a divey bar in the vicinity. Nora rocked it and I found that I bowl better with a baby in one arm -- seems to balance me out somehow.

Nora's Game Face

Holding Her Ball Like a Pro

Birdy by the Pro Shop

veggie cobbler

from family fun magazine. This picture just looked so colorful and scrumptious to me:

I'm not posting it because it was the best dish ever. In fact, if you look at the picture of ours, it was a bit gray. I'm posting it because chopping up vegetables in the middle of winter lifted my mood so much. It's reminiscent of summer and fruit salads and lightness. And for that reason alone, I recommend making this with fresh veggies even though (and I hate to say this) it would have been just as good with frozen vegetables.

For next time, I would add celery, use frozen vegetables if I'm in a hurry, and possibly use chicken broth for my family of carnivores.

Vegetable Cobbler Recipe

This comfort-food dish has the full-flavored appeal of a potpie, with fewer calories and a delicious corn bread topping. Our recipe features a blend of seasonal veggies but lends itself to creative substitutions from what you have on hand.

Ingredients

FOR THE FILLING:
1 large baking potato, peeled and cut into a 3/4-inch dice
1 1/2 cups each of peeled and thinly sliced carrots, frozen peas, sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup each of broccoli florets, frozen corn kernels, diced butternut squash
3 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 large onion, quartered and thinly sliced
3 tablespoons flour
2 1/2 vegetable bouillon cubes dissolved in 1 1/4 cups hot water
1 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon each of salt, celery seed
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon thyme
1/3 cup grated Parmesan

FOR THE TOPPING:
3/4 cup yellow cornmeal
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 cup milk
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon oil

1/2 teaspoon salt

Instructions
Heat the oven to 400º. Place the potato, carrots, peas, broccoli, corn, and squash in a medium-size pot and fill it with enough water to cover the vegetables plus one inch. Lightly salt the water, bring it to a boil, then allow the vegetables to continue boiling for 4 minutes. Drain and rinse the vegetables with cold water and set them aside.
Melt the butter over medium heat in a large, deep skillet or Dutch oven. Add the onion and mushrooms and sauté them, stirring often, until they're soft, about 4 minutes. Stir in the flour and cook the mixture, stirring nonstop, another 30 seconds. Add the vegetable broth, milk, salt, pepper, thyme, and celery seed and continue to stir until the sauce thickens, about 4 minutes.
Add the vegetables to the sauce and stir well. Add more salt and pepper, if desired, then stir in the Parmesan and bring the filling to a simmer. Thin it with water if its consistency is thicker than potato soup. Transfer the filling to a casserole dish.
Make the corn bread topping. In a medium-size bowl, whisk together the cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Add the milk, egg, and oil and stir until evenly blended. Spread the batter over the filling. Bake the cobbler until the top is golden brown and the sides are bubbly, about 25 minutes. Allow it to cool slightly before serving. Serves 8.

Nutritional Information:
Per serving (1 cup): Calories 275Total Fat 10 g (15% DV) Saturated Fat 6 g (29% DV) Cholesterol 51 mg (17% DV) Sodium 669 mg (28% DV) Total Carbohydrate 42 g (14% DV) Fiber 4 g (15% DV) Sugars 10 gProtein 9 g (17% DV) Vitamin A (115% DV) Vitamin C (30% DV)

punches, sabotage, and redemption

i have eleventy drafts of this post and am determined to get it out even if its incomplete and imperfect. Self sabotage and redemption are recurring themes in my life and the other day, another one of my phone conversations with m. led to the topic. She was saying that she understood the draw of physical contact sports like boxing or football -- that she bets the hit feels good in a psychic sort of way. Like you know its coming and you know you deserve (or at least are going to get) something, so its just nice to get it over with. This resonates deep within me. Now m. has somehow never seen Fight Club; this led to a discussion of the popularity of sparring/kickboxing/etc. classes for women and whether a women's fight club might be just the thing. I can't really do our conversation justice but will just examine a few points that stuck with me...

If you took your 'beating' physically, would you be less likely to put up with emotional or psychological garbage from others? This starts with the assumption that you believe you deserve or need or something negativity/difficulty/abuse. It sounds so obvious in black and white, but the truth is that I do believe it. And another truth is that when I've left various kickboxing/self defense/sparring classes, I've felt invincible. Not just physically. This feeling doesn't come from my yoga or step aerobics classes. {disclaimer: it has been years since I've attended ANY of these classes; lest I mislead you.}
Now, this is sick, but this is my true observation, as well: Repeatedly, abuse and negativity have, for a lack of a better way to describe it, brought out the best in me. It primitively frees me to be the best I can be. I told you it was sick so don't look at me like that. This freedom to be my best leads me to what I think my actual issue is: REDEMPTION. Do I believe I deserve bad things so much that getting them is a sweet relief that allows me to go on and become something good? Here's a self-sabotage example: I have always struggled with food/weight issues. Certain foods are like wonderful punishments for me -- double stuff oreos fit into this category. They're horrible for your body, destroy any diet you might try, and are delicious. Except I need to eat them until my stomach hurts. Like HAVE to do that. If they are in the house, I have to eat them until I hurt -- but then? Oh, that moment when I can throw the package away! It makes me want to be light, and good, and clean, and accomplished, and creative, and, and, and... Another example: I've been struggling with some things that I've never really struggled with in the past. Things like homekeeping. Could it be that I am not driven to prove how good I am without the presence of an abusive husband or boss? Finally, I have not one abuser in my life and suddenly, I'm tripping over things that have, in the past, been my strong suit. When I was married to prick, I kept a perfect home, never ran out of groceries, and made meals without the frozen feeling it all gives me now. Now things are taken care of, but without the energetic drive I had before. What gives?
If this makes no sense its alright with me. I just need to figure this out somehow.

notes on our girls

some things that nora has said recently:

"Mama, I’m your honey." I leaned in and gave her a great big hug. She said, "Don’t squeeze the honey."

She has also taken a real interest in words and sounds. For Christmas, she received a play cash register and she and Joe were reviewing each type of coin. When they got to a quarter, Nora got excited and said, "Corder? Like the bear Corder???" (Corduroy the book)

Another day, she got up from a nap and immediately asked how to spell cow and then couch and then cow again. She said those words were 'kinda da same.'

Nora has created an indoor sport that is a hybrid of golf, floor hockey, and soccer. We play at least once a day. She's very good at the game shows us her ferocious 'game face' at the beginning of each game. The other day she was playing with Nisey and told her, "My team friends call me Bugs." Nisey said, "Oh, really? Can I call you Bugs?" Nora told her flatly that she could not.


Yesterday Nora told me that when she was a baby boy she could only say goo goo and gaga -- not words like hacker and nervous. :P Makes me wonder what she's up to.

She has also started to do things that many of her peers seem to be already doing. She's dressed herself each morning this week -- at her sudden insistence. She's never shown interest in this before this week. This week is also our No More Diapers week. So far so good. In her usual way, after some drama and resistance she is suddenly just doing it without any fanfare. She doesn't even really tell us that she's gone or has to go...

Birdy has started 'talking' and smiling up a storm. She's an easy smiler and almost laughs. She still belly laughs in her sleep -- evidently her dreams are much funnier than anything we can come up with over here. She has also discovered her hands. She strongly prefers to hold a finger when she nurses -- I love how she works to rearrange my hand to suit her. She is an utter joy and we are all just enjoying her.

As I work to find life balance, I must remember that time with these girls should be my only priority...

celebrate ruminate appreciate seal your fate

i love simplemom. So bear with me for one more interview from her site -- I found the other one clarifying.
1. What skill do you most want to learn this year?
I want to find and adopt a home management technique that really works for us. I am trying FLYLady right now and will move on to other systems if this one doesn't fit. I no longer want to spend time feeling guilty about the house not being perfect -- or even worse, spend time NOT doing something I think I should do so that the time is a double loss.
2. What is one skill you already have that you’d like to improve this year?
Really enjoying the good stuff.
3. Name three books you most definitely want to read in 2009.
'Love in Infant Monkeys' by Lydia Millet, 'Imperfect Birds' by Anne LaMott (can't wait for this one!), and 'Dry' by Augusten Burroughs
4. In what specific area do you most want to encourage your spouse? What are some ways you can do this?
He works very hard and I would like to be more supportive of his career aspirations and what it takes to attain them. I can do this by having the house running smoothly, appreciating his hard work, and encouraging him.
5. Think of one of your major life goals. What will you do this year to make you one step closer to reaching that goal?
My major life goals have all taken detours. I'm no longer sure where I want to land.
6. Name your kids’ biggest strengths. What are some ways you can specifically nourish those strengths?
Nora's strengths include how hardworking she is, her independence, creativity, and determination. I can offer more opportunities for her to try new things that stimulate her traits and expose her to possible new strengths.
Birdy is a good cuddler and I'd be more than happy to cuddle her all she can take.
7. Name your kids’ most prominent weakness. What are some ways you can encourage their ability to overcome it?
I feel blind to their weaknesses. I suppose that Nora is quite stubborn and can be inflexible. I can work on giving her tools to express her frustrations and to find acceptable solutions in situations where she does not want to flex.
8. What is one of your strengths? Think of some specific ways you can exercise it this year.
I'm good at leading things I am passionate about. I can join/start something at church. I can work hard to keep my heart open in all relationships so that I don't miss opportunities.
9. What is one of your weaknesses? Brainstorm some ideas on how you can overcome this deficiency.
My depression is a huge weakness. I can keep seeing the doctor and keep taking medications. But what I'd really hope for is finding my place on this earth again and enjoying health.
10. Think of an important relationship aside from your spouse and children. How will you nurture that relationship this year?
I pick Mom. I will work to support her and listen to her without an agenda of my own.
11. Name a few ways your physical health could be improved.
I could lose weight, become more active, and go to bed earlier.
12. Name a few ways your family’s financial health could be improved.
We could spend less, save up for some specific goals, and pay off debts.
13. In what way do you want to draw closer to God?
I want to fully trust Him and His grace. I could be more prayerful and less willful.
14. What is one area of home management that frustrates you? Think of some specific ways you could improve your attitude about it.
Grocery shopping and cooking dinner. I need to let go of my previous life (a lifetime ago) where my efforts were mistreated and learn to perform these tasks joyfully. OR figure out how to delegate them...
15. Have you ever created a family mission statement with your spouse? If so, why not do one for this year?
We need to do one for just the four of us. We've had one when we had no children and have created drafts for our family with Jordan and with Denise. It's time we have our own. As I reflect upon my reluctance to do so, I'm realizing that my symptoms of depression make me feel as though I cannot do what is 'right' or will fail Joe and the girls. One of my goals must be to find proper treatment --medication, if necessary-- to make the symptoms have less power in my life.
16. Name one specific thing you could do with your spouse this year that will deepen your intimacy.
Go away with him overnight. Support him in pursuing a hobby or class outside of our family.
17. What is something that is continually undone in your life? What will you do to fully complete it this year?
Our scrapbooks. I need to either catch up or let them go.
18. In what ways will you be involved with your local community?
Church, activities for Nora, and once Birdy is a bit older, volunteering for the local shelter.
19. What is one thing you’d like to accomplish by your birthday this year?
A smoothly running home.
20. Think of three words you’d like to describe your 2010.
Energetic, Organized, and Joyful.

nye ruminations

thanks to simplemom

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
The birth of our second daughter, Roberta Layne Mays.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Losing Dad.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
Tied between quitting my horrid job and Mom moving to our town and joining our church.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
Dealing with legal issues surrounding horrid job and BDSatan.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009.
Growth, Grief, Joy

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).
Sad, Great, Important

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).
Challenging, Sad, Joyful

8. What were the best books you read this year?
"Push" by Sapphire, "The Shack" by William Young, "The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan, "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen, I also guiltily and deliciously enjoyed the Sookie Series by Charlaine Harris.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
With Joe, Nora, and Birdy. Also with this blog and my cherished friends who read it. There were times when I really leaned on you. Thank you so much for the support and wisdom and laughter.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Learning to be here without Dad.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
Maybe this year was about learning to stand. Learning to stand without Dad, standing up to BDSatan, standing up for myself and my children... standing.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
I'm learning to take more leaps of faith and to rest in grace.


13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
After having a disappointing experience with my first try, I've had a wonderful breastfeeding experience with Birdy.


14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
I think I'm learning to dare to be just me.

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?
Managing family events, finances, and paperwork.


16. What was your most challenging area of home management?
Meal planning and grocery shopping.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
This computer.


18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
Any time spent with family -- especially the girls.

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
That I just may be enough.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.
A year of great loss and even greater blessings.

what a merry christmas

we are so grateful and blessed to have enjoyed the holiday with our daughters, family, and friends. There are no huge highlights this year, but rather a pattern of calm joy. Now that I write that, I think that calm joy has been my aspiration in most situations. We baked cookies with friends on the 23rd:

On the 24th, we went to the Mays' as has become our tradition. The visit was nice and the three hour drives on both sides were better than expected. That night, we prepared for Santa:
The next morning, Joe and I were up before either of the girls. We had the tree lights on and were enjoying coffee when Nora peeked from the stairs and whispered, "He eat my cookie!"
The girls enjoyed opening their gifts. Nora was so pleased that Santa brought her the rocketship and fishing pole she requested. When I asked her later about her favorite gift, she said her rocketship without hesitation. Nora was a joy to watch open gifts this year. She was very gracious and polite saying things like, "This is just what I wanted!" or "This is my heart's wish!" all the while cleaning the wrapping paper up as she went.

We went to Mom's on Christmas Day. She is now just five minutes away! How I love that. It was our first Christmas without Dad and we all missed him. We don't sit around mourning him -- partly because my mom would never allow it. She is quite careful to remain strong (not robotic, but strong) in front of the girls. He would have been so proud of my mom, loved that Ben gave Becca a 'promise ring' this year and gotten a kick the plays that Johna and Hannah created. Even better, he would have been annoyed at the same things that annoyed me. And most of all, he would have loved little Roberta.

v-day d-day

joe got a vasectomy on friday. While we were pulling into the hospital parking lot -- hell, while we were in the hospital room, I was still saying things like 'This is the right thing' or 'This is what we want, right?' It's a strange place to be- to say deliberately that we will not have any more children.
Forever and ever, amen.
Even while holding our growing-too-fast infant daughter and loving every second.
We both agree that if we were younger, we would not be so quick to finalize this decision, but reality is that we are as old as we are and it just doesn't make sense. Reality once again interferes with my dream world. It's final and sad and right for us. And the truth is that we're both very interested in providing foster care -- after the girls are a bit older -- which could very well lead to a larger family.