the fastest three months

of my life.

say a little prayer

this week's prayer:

Lord,
Give me the faith, the courage, and the trust to allow myself to be found by Your love and forgiveness this week.
Amen and amen.

first time bowling

we took the girls bowling today and had a blast. I, for one, am always in favor of family activities that include a divey bar in the vicinity. Nora rocked it and I found that I bowl better with a baby in one arm -- seems to balance me out somehow.

Nora's Game Face

Holding Her Ball Like a Pro

Birdy by the Pro Shop

veggie cobbler

from family fun magazine. This picture just looked so colorful and scrumptious to me:

I'm not posting it because it was the best dish ever. In fact, if you look at the picture of ours, it was a bit gray. I'm posting it because chopping up vegetables in the middle of winter lifted my mood so much. It's reminiscent of summer and fruit salads and lightness. And for that reason alone, I recommend making this with fresh veggies even though (and I hate to say this) it would have been just as good with frozen vegetables.

For next time, I would add celery, use frozen vegetables if I'm in a hurry, and possibly use chicken broth for my family of carnivores.

Vegetable Cobbler Recipe

This comfort-food dish has the full-flavored appeal of a potpie, with fewer calories and a delicious corn bread topping. Our recipe features a blend of seasonal veggies but lends itself to creative substitutions from what you have on hand.

Ingredients

FOR THE FILLING:
1 large baking potato, peeled and cut into a 3/4-inch dice
1 1/2 cups each of peeled and thinly sliced carrots, frozen peas, sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup each of broccoli florets, frozen corn kernels, diced butternut squash
3 1/2 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 large onion, quartered and thinly sliced
3 tablespoons flour
2 1/2 vegetable bouillon cubes dissolved in 1 1/4 cups hot water
1 cup milk
1/2 teaspoon each of salt, celery seed
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon thyme
1/3 cup grated Parmesan

FOR THE TOPPING:
3/4 cup yellow cornmeal
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 cup milk
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon oil

1/2 teaspoon salt

Instructions
Heat the oven to 400º. Place the potato, carrots, peas, broccoli, corn, and squash in a medium-size pot and fill it with enough water to cover the vegetables plus one inch. Lightly salt the water, bring it to a boil, then allow the vegetables to continue boiling for 4 minutes. Drain and rinse the vegetables with cold water and set them aside.
Melt the butter over medium heat in a large, deep skillet or Dutch oven. Add the onion and mushrooms and sauté them, stirring often, until they're soft, about 4 minutes. Stir in the flour and cook the mixture, stirring nonstop, another 30 seconds. Add the vegetable broth, milk, salt, pepper, thyme, and celery seed and continue to stir until the sauce thickens, about 4 minutes.
Add the vegetables to the sauce and stir well. Add more salt and pepper, if desired, then stir in the Parmesan and bring the filling to a simmer. Thin it with water if its consistency is thicker than potato soup. Transfer the filling to a casserole dish.
Make the corn bread topping. In a medium-size bowl, whisk together the cornmeal, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Add the milk, egg, and oil and stir until evenly blended. Spread the batter over the filling. Bake the cobbler until the top is golden brown and the sides are bubbly, about 25 minutes. Allow it to cool slightly before serving. Serves 8.

Nutritional Information:
Per serving (1 cup): Calories 275Total Fat 10 g (15% DV) Saturated Fat 6 g (29% DV) Cholesterol 51 mg (17% DV) Sodium 669 mg (28% DV) Total Carbohydrate 42 g (14% DV) Fiber 4 g (15% DV) Sugars 10 gProtein 9 g (17% DV) Vitamin A (115% DV) Vitamin C (30% DV)

punches, sabotage, and redemption

i have eleventy drafts of this post and am determined to get it out even if its incomplete and imperfect. Self sabotage and redemption are recurring themes in my life and the other day, another one of my phone conversations with m. led to the topic. She was saying that she understood the draw of physical contact sports like boxing or football -- that she bets the hit feels good in a psychic sort of way. Like you know its coming and you know you deserve (or at least are going to get) something, so its just nice to get it over with. This resonates deep within me. Now m. has somehow never seen Fight Club; this led to a discussion of the popularity of sparring/kickboxing/etc. classes for women and whether a women's fight club might be just the thing. I can't really do our conversation justice but will just examine a few points that stuck with me...

If you took your 'beating' physically, would you be less likely to put up with emotional or psychological garbage from others? This starts with the assumption that you believe you deserve or need or something negativity/difficulty/abuse. It sounds so obvious in black and white, but the truth is that I do believe it. And another truth is that when I've left various kickboxing/self defense/sparring classes, I've felt invincible. Not just physically. This feeling doesn't come from my yoga or step aerobics classes. {disclaimer: it has been years since I've attended ANY of these classes; lest I mislead you.}
Now, this is sick, but this is my true observation, as well: Repeatedly, abuse and negativity have, for a lack of a better way to describe it, brought out the best in me. It primitively frees me to be the best I can be. I told you it was sick so don't look at me like that. This freedom to be my best leads me to what I think my actual issue is: REDEMPTION. Do I believe I deserve bad things so much that getting them is a sweet relief that allows me to go on and become something good? Here's a self-sabotage example: I have always struggled with food/weight issues. Certain foods are like wonderful punishments for me -- double stuff oreos fit into this category. They're horrible for your body, destroy any diet you might try, and are delicious. Except I need to eat them until my stomach hurts. Like HAVE to do that. If they are in the house, I have to eat them until I hurt -- but then? Oh, that moment when I can throw the package away! It makes me want to be light, and good, and clean, and accomplished, and creative, and, and, and... Another example: I've been struggling with some things that I've never really struggled with in the past. Things like homekeeping. Could it be that I am not driven to prove how good I am without the presence of an abusive husband or boss? Finally, I have not one abuser in my life and suddenly, I'm tripping over things that have, in the past, been my strong suit. When I was married to prick, I kept a perfect home, never ran out of groceries, and made meals without the frozen feeling it all gives me now. Now things are taken care of, but without the energetic drive I had before. What gives?
If this makes no sense its alright with me. I just need to figure this out somehow.

notes on our girls

some things that nora has said recently:

"Mama, I’m your honey." I leaned in and gave her a great big hug. She said, "Don’t squeeze the honey."

She has also taken a real interest in words and sounds. For Christmas, she received a play cash register and she and Joe were reviewing each type of coin. When they got to a quarter, Nora got excited and said, "Corder? Like the bear Corder???" (Corduroy the book)

Another day, she got up from a nap and immediately asked how to spell cow and then couch and then cow again. She said those words were 'kinda da same.'

Nora has created an indoor sport that is a hybrid of golf, floor hockey, and soccer. We play at least once a day. She's very good at the game shows us her ferocious 'game face' at the beginning of each game. The other day she was playing with Nisey and told her, "My team friends call me Bugs." Nisey said, "Oh, really? Can I call you Bugs?" Nora told her flatly that she could not.


Yesterday Nora told me that when she was a baby boy she could only say goo goo and gaga -- not words like hacker and nervous. :P Makes me wonder what she's up to.

She has also started to do things that many of her peers seem to be already doing. She's dressed herself each morning this week -- at her sudden insistence. She's never shown interest in this before this week. This week is also our No More Diapers week. So far so good. In her usual way, after some drama and resistance she is suddenly just doing it without any fanfare. She doesn't even really tell us that she's gone or has to go...

Birdy has started 'talking' and smiling up a storm. She's an easy smiler and almost laughs. She still belly laughs in her sleep -- evidently her dreams are much funnier than anything we can come up with over here. She has also discovered her hands. She strongly prefers to hold a finger when she nurses -- I love how she works to rearrange my hand to suit her. She is an utter joy and we are all just enjoying her.

As I work to find life balance, I must remember that time with these girls should be my only priority...

celebrate ruminate appreciate seal your fate

i love simplemom. So bear with me for one more interview from her site -- I found the other one clarifying.
1. What skill do you most want to learn this year?
I want to find and adopt a home management technique that really works for us. I am trying FLYLady right now and will move on to other systems if this one doesn't fit. I no longer want to spend time feeling guilty about the house not being perfect -- or even worse, spend time NOT doing something I think I should do so that the time is a double loss.
2. What is one skill you already have that you’d like to improve this year?
Really enjoying the good stuff.
3. Name three books you most definitely want to read in 2009.
'Love in Infant Monkeys' by Lydia Millet, 'Imperfect Birds' by Anne LaMott (can't wait for this one!), and 'Dry' by Augusten Burroughs
4. In what specific area do you most want to encourage your spouse? What are some ways you can do this?
He works very hard and I would like to be more supportive of his career aspirations and what it takes to attain them. I can do this by having the house running smoothly, appreciating his hard work, and encouraging him.
5. Think of one of your major life goals. What will you do this year to make you one step closer to reaching that goal?
My major life goals have all taken detours. I'm no longer sure where I want to land.
6. Name your kids’ biggest strengths. What are some ways you can specifically nourish those strengths?
Nora's strengths include how hardworking she is, her independence, creativity, and determination. I can offer more opportunities for her to try new things that stimulate her traits and expose her to possible new strengths.
Birdy is a good cuddler and I'd be more than happy to cuddle her all she can take.
7. Name your kids’ most prominent weakness. What are some ways you can encourage their ability to overcome it?
I feel blind to their weaknesses. I suppose that Nora is quite stubborn and can be inflexible. I can work on giving her tools to express her frustrations and to find acceptable solutions in situations where she does not want to flex.
8. What is one of your strengths? Think of some specific ways you can exercise it this year.
I'm good at leading things I am passionate about. I can join/start something at church. I can work hard to keep my heart open in all relationships so that I don't miss opportunities.
9. What is one of your weaknesses? Brainstorm some ideas on how you can overcome this deficiency.
My depression is a huge weakness. I can keep seeing the doctor and keep taking medications. But what I'd really hope for is finding my place on this earth again and enjoying health.
10. Think of an important relationship aside from your spouse and children. How will you nurture that relationship this year?
I pick Mom. I will work to support her and listen to her without an agenda of my own.
11. Name a few ways your physical health could be improved.
I could lose weight, become more active, and go to bed earlier.
12. Name a few ways your family’s financial health could be improved.
We could spend less, save up for some specific goals, and pay off debts.
13. In what way do you want to draw closer to God?
I want to fully trust Him and His grace. I could be more prayerful and less willful.
14. What is one area of home management that frustrates you? Think of some specific ways you could improve your attitude about it.
Grocery shopping and cooking dinner. I need to let go of my previous life (a lifetime ago) where my efforts were mistreated and learn to perform these tasks joyfully. OR figure out how to delegate them...
15. Have you ever created a family mission statement with your spouse? If so, why not do one for this year?
We need to do one for just the four of us. We've had one when we had no children and have created drafts for our family with Jordan and with Denise. It's time we have our own. As I reflect upon my reluctance to do so, I'm realizing that my symptoms of depression make me feel as though I cannot do what is 'right' or will fail Joe and the girls. One of my goals must be to find proper treatment --medication, if necessary-- to make the symptoms have less power in my life.
16. Name one specific thing you could do with your spouse this year that will deepen your intimacy.
Go away with him overnight. Support him in pursuing a hobby or class outside of our family.
17. What is something that is continually undone in your life? What will you do to fully complete it this year?
Our scrapbooks. I need to either catch up or let them go.
18. In what ways will you be involved with your local community?
Church, activities for Nora, and once Birdy is a bit older, volunteering for the local shelter.
19. What is one thing you’d like to accomplish by your birthday this year?
A smoothly running home.
20. Think of three words you’d like to describe your 2010.
Energetic, Organized, and Joyful.

nye ruminations

thanks to simplemom

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?
The birth of our second daughter, Roberta Layne Mays.

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?
Losing Dad.

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?
Tied between quitting my horrid job and Mom moving to our town and joining our church.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?
Dealing with legal issues surrounding horrid job and BDSatan.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009.
Growth, Grief, Joy

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).
Sad, Great, Important

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).
Challenging, Sad, Joyful

8. What were the best books you read this year?
"Push" by Sapphire, "The Shack" by William Young, "The Middle Place" by Kelly Corrigan, "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen, I also guiltily and deliciously enjoyed the Sookie Series by Charlaine Harris.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?
With Joe, Nora, and Birdy. Also with this blog and my cherished friends who read it. There were times when I really leaned on you. Thank you so much for the support and wisdom and laughter.

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?
Learning to be here without Dad.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?
Maybe this year was about learning to stand. Learning to stand without Dad, standing up to BDSatan, standing up for myself and my children... standing.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?
I'm learning to take more leaps of faith and to rest in grace.


13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?
After having a disappointing experience with my first try, I've had a wonderful breastfeeding experience with Birdy.


14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?
I think I'm learning to dare to be just me.

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?
Managing family events, finances, and paperwork.


16. What was your most challenging area of home management?
Meal planning and grocery shopping.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?
This computer.


18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?
Any time spent with family -- especially the girls.

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?
That I just may be enough.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.
A year of great loss and even greater blessings.

what a merry christmas

we are so grateful and blessed to have enjoyed the holiday with our daughters, family, and friends. There are no huge highlights this year, but rather a pattern of calm joy. Now that I write that, I think that calm joy has been my aspiration in most situations. We baked cookies with friends on the 23rd:

On the 24th, we went to the Mays' as has become our tradition. The visit was nice and the three hour drives on both sides were better than expected. That night, we prepared for Santa:
The next morning, Joe and I were up before either of the girls. We had the tree lights on and were enjoying coffee when Nora peeked from the stairs and whispered, "He eat my cookie!"
The girls enjoyed opening their gifts. Nora was so pleased that Santa brought her the rocketship and fishing pole she requested. When I asked her later about her favorite gift, she said her rocketship without hesitation. Nora was a joy to watch open gifts this year. She was very gracious and polite saying things like, "This is just what I wanted!" or "This is my heart's wish!" all the while cleaning the wrapping paper up as she went.

We went to Mom's on Christmas Day. She is now just five minutes away! How I love that. It was our first Christmas without Dad and we all missed him. We don't sit around mourning him -- partly because my mom would never allow it. She is quite careful to remain strong (not robotic, but strong) in front of the girls. He would have been so proud of my mom, loved that Ben gave Becca a 'promise ring' this year and gotten a kick the plays that Johna and Hannah created. Even better, he would have been annoyed at the same things that annoyed me. And most of all, he would have loved little Roberta.

v-day d-day

joe got a vasectomy on friday. While we were pulling into the hospital parking lot -- hell, while we were in the hospital room, I was still saying things like 'This is the right thing' or 'This is what we want, right?' It's a strange place to be- to say deliberately that we will not have any more children.
Forever and ever, amen.
Even while holding our growing-too-fast infant daughter and loving every second.
We both agree that if we were younger, we would not be so quick to finalize this decision, but reality is that we are as old as we are and it just doesn't make sense. Reality once again interferes with my dream world. It's final and sad and right for us. And the truth is that we're both very interested in providing foster care -- after the girls are a bit older -- which could very well lead to a larger family.

not as funny

so i posted birdy's birth announcement here without noting my the troubles with them. I found the design on Etsy and was so excited because 1) I love it, and 2) I could order 4x6 prints and save tons. To top off my savings, I had heard good things about a new photo printing company (Arts Cow -- note this is not an endorsement) -- and when I went to their site, they had 100 free prints for new customers. Oh, imagine my good fortune! So about five weeks ago, I placed our order. A few days later, I received an email that my order had been printed and shipped. I ordered envelopes. addressed them, and eagerly welcomed the mail each day. Around Thanksgiving, I realized it had been much too long and contacted the company. They confirmed the information I had and added one, very important piece of information. The prints had indeed shipped on the day I had been told --from Hong Kong -- so could I please give it a few more days beyond the expected date? Each day since, I've weighed my options: should I reprint? what if they arrive? I hate to waste... how close will we now be to Christmas cards? should i insert them in the cards? skip it? but I've already addressed the envelopes!.. and on and on.
They arrived today. They're too dark. And they're going out. I can't give them another moment's thought -- not even to be wise about postage.

i <3 funny

and nora now makes me truly crack up at least once a day. I love lying in bed at the end of the day and laughing with Joe about something she came up with that day. I can't believe how quickly I forget them. Here is what I remember right now:

n: how you reach that?

m: because i'm tall

n: you a wittle bit short

m: i am? why is that?

n: because you can't weach God. him way way up there.

She was trying to convince us to turn off the Christmas tree lights one night. We all kept asserting that we wanted them on. She said, "It too much wight! People be dying fwom too much wight!"

We were talking about going to see Santa and she was all excited going over the details with us but then looked a bit concerned and said, "And den I haff to go down the big swide?"

One day she was resistant to cleaning up her toys and I threatened to throw the toys in the trash if she didn't clean up. The second it left my mouth, I regretted it because it is not how I like to motivate her or communicate with her. My regret only blossomed as Nora's face brightened and she said, "YES, mama! Dat good idea. Dese toys is OLD!"

roberta layne

birdy's five week stats

24 November 2009
almost 5 weeks old -- posting this late

22 1/2 inches long
15 inch head circumference
10 pounds 12 ounces

She has outgrown her 0-3 month clothing and now is in 6 month for the length if nothing else. This is a big difference from our preemie! She likes tummy time and holds her head up well -- she even gets up on her knees somehow. The doctor assured her that crawling was not yet necessary. Birdy eats every two hours still and is such a love. We're just soaking in these newborn days knowing they don't last long. <3

thankfulness

thanksgiving was wonderful. We have so much to be thankful for but I hesitate to list it all. I blame my niece for this because when she was little, when we would do our family tradition of going around and saying what we were thankful for, she'd always say she was thankful for God or Jesus or something of this ilk. Holy trump cards - how could anyone else say anything else?

here are our two little turkeys on Thanksgiving morning:

and here is the wonderful take home card that Johna made for each guest:

Thanksgiving! thanks! card!

Thank you for coming -- we liked your thankfulness -- here is some candy

born under a good sign

just sent off for birdy's presidential congratulations card. I didn't try this for Nora for obvious reasons -- I'll let you know if it works. To get your own Presidential Birth Announcement Congratulations card, mail your birth announcement to:


White House Greetings Office
Room 39
Washington, DC 20500


When you send the birth announcement card to the above address be sure to include the following details: the name of your baby, the baby's date of birth, name of the parents, and the address to which you would like the card to be sent.

swine flu catch up

i really thought that between our vaccinations and the fact that i never leave the house, i would not have to endure swine flu. I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It's taken me a week to be back to myself and I still am exhausted and have an irritating cough. I've heard that those two are here to stay for a while.

Birdy was officially one month old yesterday. Time is just FLYING. I know everyone says it, but it truly seems like time is flying even faster than it did when Nora was a baby. Maybe its having two children or maybe its knowing Birdy is the last baby -- I don't know. I feel cheated -- I want to shut out the world and take her to a room with me and be sure I enjoy every second of her. While I was sick, we had to limit my contact with the girls for the first 48 hours of taking Tamiflu (bc of the flu, not the medication.) We gave Birdy her first bottles of EBM and she took them pretty well. She also went back to the breast without an issue. So glad that it didn't result in nipple confusion or whatever they call it. We used Breastflow Bottles by First Years. I highly recommend them as they were easy to use for both baby and parents and she is going back and forth without issue. Introducing a bottle also means that Joe is able to feed Birdy sometimes. He has expressed that he feels a bit left out this time around. Poor guy -- last time, the world rested on his shoulders: Nora was in NICU, I was in ICU and then when I came home I had debilitating Postpartum Depression. He evidently enjoyed some of that huge responsibility.

I'm starting to get caught up on the regular stuff of running the house -- laundry, bills, dishes, cleaning, thank you notes, etc. I can't wait to find my groove and actually get caught up. Finishing the photo albums has been on my list for well over a year -- I sure would like to actually complete something. I keep considering stopping the photo stuff and then Nora or one of my sisters will haul a book out and enjoy it so thoroughly that all the work and stress is worth it. Maybe if I didn't sit in front of the computer so much, I'd accomplish other things? I just wonder how everyone else does it? I'd like to write more, but Birdy is napping so I need to use this time wisely...

a little bit why i love that nisey

the closing sentence from her report on life insurance:

"So in conclusion, without insurance you won’t have anything. Also your funeral won’t be that great either."

siggies over time

on the boards i visit online, members have 'signatures.' Below are mine just because I want to put them in one place. These have been made by friends and by strangers -- such a neat way to watch Nora grow!

3 (4) + 1 = <3

heather asked about our experience of going from one to two children. I can't remember where I read it, but before Birdy was born I read an article that described having your first child something like coming home and finding that someone has moved your house to a different neighborhood, changed the rooms around and boxed all of your things up randomly. The author said that having your second is like coming home and finding that someone has rearranged your furniture. I've found this to be a perfect analogy. Going from one child to two really wasn't that big of a deal over here. Of course, we have to address balancing the needs and wants of both girls but it's not like our days (or nights) are so different from pre-Birdy days(was there ever such a thing?) I would say that for us, balancing the needs of a fifteen year old with two little ones is much more of a challenge. Or maybe (more likely?) its having three children and two parents that presents the challenge.

Speaking of that fifteen year old, I don't write much about her here. It kind of feels like a violation of her privacy and I'm not sure why --- part of her story is my story, after all. Nisey is doing very well. She works very hard everyday and even made honor roll last grading period. Nora loves having her here and misses her each time she's gone (as do we all.) We're so proud of her and all that she's accomplished -- not only her hard work but her positive energy and joy for life that is simply infectious.