oh, poop.

This morning I finally had the appointment for Nora and her pooping issues. The doctor really thinks its behavioral but can't really explain why it would be something that has bothered her from birth but is caused by nothing. We had to go to the hospital for a blood draw to rule out celiac disease (crossing everything that it's not). The blood draw was horrible. Poor Nora and poor me. Celiac disease would require a gluten free diet, so I guess if I had to vote on it, I'd pick unknown cause that she outgrows... Ugh. I was so hoping that there would be an answer today and that we could get rid of the miserable pain. We both need to curl up for a nap after our morning... just another reason to quit my job.

unquitted

so i did it. I sent my resignation letter this morning and by 11, bdsatan had unquitted me. In order to 'protect' myself, we need to create an exit strategy. The division would have to be shut down without me at the helm, although he's not quite sure 'what I do'... (he repeatedly said that I had to be here, but then insinuated that I don't do much) He also offered a really big bonus and payoff for doing it this way. While money has very little to do with why I'm leaving, it certainly doesn't hurt in getting me to stay longer... Today, I'll email him my requirements for the exit strategy and we'll go from there.

i. did. it.

just seeing how it feels...

forgive me. I'm just trying this out for size...

I quit my job. I quit. I quit. I quit. When I attempt to evaluate what I would need to renegotiate a partnership package, there are so many obstacles that it is obviously not the choice for me. The constant stress, dishonesty, and overtime just aren't worth it.

how will we make it?

what will I do?

how many straws did it take?

between my dad's illness, my sister living 'independently', audits, court dates, spousal business trips, 'foster' parenting, volunteer work, ubiquitous work-related stress, a lack of time, an extreme lack of sleep, and just life in general, I'm pretty sure I'm about to break. It think the funniest (funny meaning like madhouse laughter funny, not soul repairing giggles) part of it all is that we don't get to break. Gone are the days of trips to the hospital for nerves, season long trips to Europe to find yourself, or spinster sisters moving in and taking over for a bit. Shit, there isn't even 15 minutes of peace in the car between the radio, the phone, and my own thoughts. In the spirit of preserving Nora's mama, I sent an email to work at noon saying I'd be taking a half day and shut all of the equipment off. I returned a few things, bought a few things, and got a quick pedicure and I'm back to work before the work day is even over.
Note to self: two hours can make a big difference. Stop whining and get driving.

rate your pain

on a scale from 1 to 10...

Jordan leaving 8

Dad sick 9

Audit 6

Bdsatan 8

Yes We Can

Today our local Obama campaign offices opened. And thanks to Jordan, we attended. Last night when I proposed going he was not only not interested but showed great apathy towards the whole system. I laughed so hard because I knew we HAD to go.

All four of us attended and it was incredible. The speakers were inspirational and it felt great to be a hands on part of democracy. After the initial celebration, we were teamed up with another supporter to go register voters and hand out pamphlets. We registered four voters (I know it sounds like not many, but most people said they were registered. I imagine it's neighborhood by neighborhood) and spoke with many, many others. The kid we were teamed with was a high school senior and was so impressive in his hard work and attitude. We weren't given a lot of direction and of course, private businesses didn't want us around them... I am looking into what the rules actually are and how we can do it better. We stayed until the afternoon when Nora finally gave into exhaustion. Democracy is hard work! (thanks, Kimberly for fixing up our picture!)

boring updates

I hate how when I journal in any format, it ends up being so dramatic. I write about the hysteria and then when it inevitably calms, I leave it be. If one were to know me through the blog only... Lord help me. I swear I'm a normal, old boring soul. In an effort to stem this dramatic tide, here are my updates (boring as they may be):
Dad got his blood gas test done two days ago. Great, right? It would be if a doctor could be bothered to actually look at it. The good part is that Dad has been really sounding and looking better. His color has returned which I think was the most frightening part for me. (His illness IS all about me, right?)
Joe and Jordan both came home last night. It's so nice having them both back. I made them a nice welcome the carnivores home roast which they both really appreciated.
We're planning a shower for my neice. Which is a bit awkward.
My mammogram came back normal.
Blah, blah, blah. This supports never posting about the everyday boring ever again.

counting my blessings

I know that some babies are reading at 17 months and Nora is already an old nineteen month old, but tonight, she counted to three! I'm not saying she understands mathematics or is doing anything but repeating, but I'm still one impressed mama.

randomness

taking a page from Amanda and Jess (who were really taking a page from me, so what does that make this? total sidenote: that kind of crazy talk always reminds me of charlie manson)

random things about me

• I chew gum for like a minute before spitting it out. I really only like that first burst of flavor. Its so good, it ruins every chew after.
• I'm a known call screener. Yeen taught me that if I pay for a convenience (say, a phone) I should make sure it's MY convenience.
• I played holocaust as a kid. And had the neighbor kids join in.
• I tend to play all or nothing but really desire balance.
• I can cook. I choose not to most days.
• I'm pretty fascinated by the daily lives of others.
• I can sleep more than anyone I know.
• When I was little my older siblings called me chilipop. It made me cry. That made them use it more often.
• I can be very fearful.
• I can also be crazily brave.
• I stole one thing in my life. A little 2" plastic CPK cheerleader figure thing. It was in my school colors. I still feel guilty about it.
• I've been a victim of crimes.
• I love rules for other people.
• I love my badass Mona.
• I feel like I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop.
• I don't believe in hell.
• I only eat the top of cakes, muffins, and donuts. Same goes for Oreos, only add the middle.

best things about my dad

When I was a kid, he'd draw up plans for 'playhouses' at my direction. Multiple story creations with classrooms, fire poles, slides, and gymnastic areas. He never once told me it couldn't be done.

He always says, "Sarah's Dad can do anything!" and what's better than that is that he tells all seven of us the same thing (with proper names, of course)

I think he tells all of us that we're his favorite.

He has nothing and gives everything.

He makes up jokes. They may not be funny but I get a kick out of imagining him tossing ideas around.

When I was little, he threw pennies ahead of us when we were on walks so that I could find them. I didn't realize this until I was an adult.

He's all Mr. Niceguy for the most part but then can crack the bitchiest comments.

He loves my mom. Like a LOT.

In the glint of his eyes, you can see the little boy that he was.

He worked all day as a carpenter (and later as a custodian) and still had time and energy to play HORSE with me before dinner.

I'll add to this...

no more than you can handle

My dad is still very ill. We're waiting for the VA to issue an order so that he can have the proper tests to figure out what is wrong. The pulmo thinks that his body is not ridding itself of carbon dioxide properly. If this is the case, the 'solution' is a respirator. Not only is the news that difficult, we must wait for the opportunity for this.
Joe is away on a business and I'm having problems with bdsatan and Nora just threw up all over me. I've gotten her all cleaned up and tucked here on the couch with a movie. If she falls asleep, I think a good cry is called for.

smoosh 'em

Today I had my first mammogram. Because I was adopted, my doctor wants to treat me as if I have a family history of cancer and other issues. Having one made me feel both old and energized. Whenever I have any sort of physical exam, I leave feeling like I might have superpowers AND I'm super responsible AND should minimally be given a parade. I understand that pain is a very individual thing, but I must say that for me, the mammogram wasn't bad at all. A couple positions were less than comfortable, but that's it. Prior to doing the actual thing, they marked scars with the cutest stickers you ever saw. I kept them.

Remember sticker albums?

phew.

I'm so glad to put this week to bed. So glad that I'm putting it to bed a day early as I don't have to 'work' tomorrow (only clean, shop, etc., etc.) Random stuff:

• I must credit bdsatan for being less than an asshole this week. I'm sure he'll doubleup next week.
• Today, Yeen and I made time to have lunch together -- what a relief that was.
• Easter is almost here and I'm just thinking about a dress for Nora. Am I always going to be behind on this kind of stuff?
• J's mom wants me to manager her finances for her. To include having her pay DD'ed into my accounts and paying the bills...

I'm too tired to do any of this justice. night chall.

All of the People I Wish I Had Not Trusted

RR and all R's

BD

ER

SR

CM

BS

ER

NH

List Yourself

With the major drama over, I'm on to lighter things.

I just saw a book called "List Yourself" ~ it's simply a book with prompts for you to write lists about yourself... Some of the examples provided were:
List All the People You Wish You Hadn't Trusted
List What Heals Your Aching Soul
List those Moments in Nature that Remind You of Your Connection to the 'Big Picture
List All the Times You've Hit the Jackpot
List All the Foods, Candy, and Other Treats You Loved to Snack On (as a child)
List All the Foods You'd Eat if Guaranteed You Wouldn't Get Fat
List all the idiotic things you've done for money
List all the phone calls that changed your life
List all of the rumors you have started
List the names you have been called endearing, and not so
List how you feel when you have been lied too
List all of the people who love you for who you really are
List the things you would change if you could change history
List the things you hide when friends come to visit

I'm thinking these are blog worthy... Maybe I'll go order the book.

frozen

If asked, I'd say I am experiencing a reasonable amount of worry over today's surgery. However, I sit here absolutely frozen. Really not even thinking. Shutting down is my way of telling me to take it easy (or catatonia awaits?) I'll just breathe. And move forward.

this is me hating the rules

My dad has to have surgery. This makes me want to go into asylum fetal mode. My dad has been sick forever; and honestly, doing anything is almost too much for him. I can't imagine how surgery would go or if they'll even do it. I know that many people have faced and endured tragic losses. Losses that are incomprehensible and gargantuan compared to my own. But I don't care. I want to scream at the world that it's unfair. That a man who worked his fingers to the bone to support seven adopted children and still made time for bedtime stories and 'horse' should catch a break here and there. I know there are no special passes on the rules of the world and beyond, but I certainly don't have to like them.

Hair is overrated. BFFs are not.

Yeen and I were bitching about haircuts and trying to remember the last haircut we had received that we liked. We both remembered it at the same time... Ft Wayne... the razor special curly cut.. that puppy... waving ever so coolly (if the window had been open).

About seven (or ten, or whatever) years ago, I read about a new method that was being taught for cutting curly hair. I assume that I would have read this in Sassy (magazine) because I can't imagine any other magazine spurring me into action. For some reason, Sassy made me do shit. (Like handmake tiedyed stationery or drive to Canada.) So anyhow, I read about this method and started searching for someone near me to do it. At the time, I lived in Oak Park and was sure I'd be able to find someone in Chicago. Fortunately, it wasn't that easy. Rather, I found someone in Ft. Wayne, IN -- three and a half hours away. Also fortunately, I was blessed with Yeenie who took the location as a challenge. We made our appointments and then spent at glorious day road tripping for fabulous haircuts in nowhereville.

Great memories. Great haircuts. Greatest of friends.
maybe it's time for another trip

fuzzy cuddly warm old heart

that's what I've got this evening. Because Jordan said that he was planning on going to school here next year. He said something casually... like, "it would be weird to just come here for one semester and then disappear..." I agreed and said that my dad always told me not to fix what wasn't broken. He plans on going home over the summer which scares the hell out of me. But all of that worry will wait for another day. Tonight? It's just me and my fuzzy heart.

Even the Big Man rested on the seventh day...

This weekend we had no plans. Nothing. Zippo. Nada. We cleaned today and I got the groceries. Joe and Jordan played Risk. I played on the computer. Nora played and napped like a champ. Tomorrow, we'll go to church. That's it.


It's been the best time I've had in the longest. We need a break. I love everyone and want to spend more time with all, but man, this is nice. It's absolutely luxurious.