20 September 2008

goodbye caitie

today was caitie's funeral. It was heartbreaking and sweet. So many young people and so many stories of what a loving and sparkling love she was. She is so very missed.


CAITLYN M. L WHEATFIELD, IN Caitlyn M. L, age 18, of Wheatfield, IN, passed away on Monday, September 15, 2008. She is survived by her parents, Bill and Janet L of Wheatfield; one brother, AMN William H. L Jr. of TX; one sister, Nicole M. L, at home; paternal grandmother, Jeanette L of Lowell; maternal grandmother, Moneta F of Ft. Wayne; numerous aunts, uncles and cousins; fiance, Chris E of Demotte. Funeral services will be held on Saturday, September 20, at 2:00 p.m., at Sheets Funeral Home, 604 E. Commercial Ave., Lowell, IN. Pastor Charles H officiating. Cremation following. Friends are invited to call on Friday from 2:00-8:00 p.m. at the funeral home. Caitlyn was a 2008 graduate of Kankakee Valley High School. She had just completed CNA training and was beginning a career at Lowell Healthcare Center in Lowell.

18 September 2008

nora's 1st dance class

Anxious to Leave for Class



The Studio is on the Third Floor!

She went over to the teacher long enough to nab a cool costume.
and another...
Did some bar work...
And when I told her that she couldn't hang from the bar, she promptly ended her class...

17 September 2008

grandma's notes

dearest becca,

my heart is breaking for you, for caitie, for me, for all of us. Each person I see smiling makes me want to kick them in the head to help them understand that Caitie is gone. when i was 19, i lost my good friend Donna. She was my only true friend in Texas and our friendship had been forged upon the unfortunate similarities of us both being married to assholes. Donna, being much smarter than I, left her asshole and began to truly blossom. On her birthday, she was killed in a car accident and my heart was just torn open. Grandma sent me the following note which was a comfort to me and as I re-read it, I'm certain it was meant for you, too. Bear with the grandma-isms and me adding your name. I just know this is for you.

Dear Sarah (and Becca),

My sincere sympathy in the loss of a dear friend. I was reminded of how I lost a good friend too when I was seventeen -- I was the 'hired' girl and he, the 'hired' man -- we had a very rainy day which turned into a big flood over a wide area.

We rec'd calls from parents if we could get to a teacher & her school children who were marooned on what looked like a small island. A wagon & team of horses and the hired man tried to get to them -- But in a few seconds the wagon was capsized & horses & driver disappeared before my eyes. We found his body the following day. I have never been so affected in my whole life -- I had a hard time getting over it and I know you will, too. Your mother said she was from the East -- We are living in a troublesome world.

Your mother is so worried about you. Sarah(Becca) ask God for help not to get what you want but what He knows you need. Let your request be known unto God. He is the only one who really loves you and knows what you need.

Your mother said your friend's friend was killed too? Was he in the Army? I'm so sorry you are going through all this. It must be bad for the parents too. They were both so young.

Love, Grandma
My sweet girl. Know that you are never alone even when you're feeling completely isolated. We all carry you in our hearts and souls -- specially me.

I love you.

16 September 2008

oh, caitie

becca's best friend, caitie, died in a car accident yesterday (on becca's birthday) We're trying to reach Becca now. Oh, sweet Caitie. and oh, sweet becca. How can I heal your little heart.


15 September 2008

happy birthday becca

becca turns nineteen today. How I wish she was here to celebrate this wonderful day with us. I still remember the day my mom came home with her. Her little button nose, tiny body, and HUGE personality. She was and is a (spirited) joy. At this point, I'd be grateful to be able to call her. I did get to talk to her on Saturday which was nice. She is in "warrior rehab" because she shattered both of her heels. Once she is done 'rehabbing' she will have to re-do basic and then move on to her actual job training. Warrior rehab is nice because she gets her phone on weekends and even gets passes to the PX. However, it's incredibly boring and still very restrictive.

I mailed her a box of party hats, blowers, bubbles, balloons, and books and she got to open it, but they took everything but the books away -- there are no birthdays in basic, private. At least she got to open it which really was the fun part of it. She asked me to get her a watch that is digital and tells military time and, as proof of how much she's assimilated (for better or worse), when I asked her what style she'd prefer she replied digital that tells military time. It is on its way to her but it all fills me with conflict. My parents and even Becca herself, say things like, "maybe this will work out for the best." I feel like jumping up and down and screaming that forced adaptation, survival, and possible success does not erase the criminality of the actions that got her in this place. I don't have the energy to be a one woman warrior. Please just let her be safe or I might lose my mind.

Another rant-in-the-making... she went to the PX this weekend and set up her own account with Verizon. She got a new phone and a decent plan and paid six HUNDRED dollars for it. When I set up the same thing on line for a new plan, I would have been charged $80. She's mailing me the paperwork and has learned (I hope) her lesson to go ahead and consult one of us before entering any financial agreements. I'm just sick that the military would allow such predatory capitalism on their own posts for new recruits. I'll reserve taking down the entire company and government until I see the paperwork and understand it.
I'm going to find some pictures of Becca as a baby and scan them. Cuz I have nothing else to do. :P

13 September 2008

Childhood Cancer Awareness Day

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and today is the first ever National Childhood Cancer Awareness Day. The effects of childhood cancer nationally are devastating (although hopeful) and getting the word out for support and research is paramount. We've been touched by our friend, Dante, who is kicking Neuroblastoma's butt with grace. Gold ribbons have been selected to represent the cause and our playgroup friends all took pictures with gold balloons for Dante. Nora didn't feel up for posing with the balloons all over the house. Here is what we were able to get.

12 September 2008

she's my wonkytonk woman

i had a pap smear this morning. It was as pleasant as a pap could be (no weigh-in, for example). The best part of the whole thing was that Dr. McM confirmed that Y. is the reason for my wonky periods. All of our lives, Y. has controlled my periods. When I lived in TX and she lived in IN, we'd visit each other and my body would go bananas trying to get on her cycle. It's not as if I'd rub up into her armpits -- just being near her makes my hormones straighten up and fly right. What can I say? She's a natural born leader. Unfortunately for Y. and my period, Y. had to have a hysterectomy. And since then? Wonkytown. I've never experienced spotting and craziness ever. Until now.

Dr. McM recommended getting new friends to settle down. Screw new people. I'm just gonna groove in wonkytown and try to make Y. feel guilty about it.

10 September 2008

happy early bday to us

i'm so excited. I bought these from here for Y and I for our birthdays (which are 2 months away...)

for Y


and for me

before and after

i keep hoping that we'll get everything unpacked, decorated and perfectly cleaned so that i can take proper 'after' pictures. This is not going to happen. So, here are my before and afters even though the work that everyone did deserves better. Our home is an old foursquare farmhouse built in 1890.


Old Laundry Room

New Laundry Room


Old Stairway

New Stairway


Old Dining 'Room' and Living 'Room' (now the living room)

New Dining Room (was the kitchen)

New Living Room (was the dining room)



Old Kitchen (now the dining room)

Old 'darkroom' (just what we called it) (where the kitchen is now)


New Kitchen (where the old darkroom was)

05 September 2008

be happy

last night i was changing nora's diaper and she kept saying something that sounded like, "Doe Ooo-eeee" I kept saying, "pardon me?" I was giggling because she kept insistently repeating it. I leaned in and she patted my cheek and then said pretty clearly, "Don't Worry."

So, I'm not going to.

02 September 2008

she's two

our little eleanor grace is officially two as of yesterday at 1:48 am. It's unbelievable and exciting and bittersweet and amazing. She's rocking two out. On Sunday, she stayed in church nursery without me for the first time in her life. I couldn't believe it. I've stayed with her each week but this time when we settled in, I noticed that she was playing differently and away from me. I told her I was going to church and that I'd be back and kissed her. She fussed a little but didn't cry. (Normally, she cries hysterically if I even try to leave.) I couldn't even concentrate on the sermon because I had to keep looking back (sorry to anyone behind me) to see if they were coming for me! She also walked down our stairs on Saturday. Our stairs are open riser stairs, so they're a little scary, but she went right down them like she'd been doing it for years. When she reached the bottom, she said proudly, "bymahsef!" She also played in the yard with her cousins and friends at the party this weekend while we were in the house yet. It's just been unbelievable... I don't know who gave her the memo on age two, but she's taken it all in and run with it. She's also talking more each day and saying the funniest things. The other day when the painter came in she said, "Ahmornin, MistaAdam. Pain a wall!" A full statement out of the blue. It just cracks me up. Another word that I'm enjoying is Stop Sign. She says it very sing songy and LOUD. I don't even know where she learned about them.
I can't wait to see what she comes up with next but also wish I could hold my little tiny baby just for a moment again.

28 August 2008

my intimacy

y. and i went to the my intimacy shop in chicago this afternoon for professional bra fittings. It was amazing and so worth it. Our boobs are actually lifted and separated without being torpedoes and/or touching our chins. I never thought I'd see the day. I walked around the city this evening and the straps stayed up and so did my boobs. Who'd have thought this day would come. Pigs are not flying and, as far as I know, hell hasn't frozen over. This visit was a part of our missions to take better care of ourselves and free up our energy for things that really matter to us. I spent a lot, but I've spent much, much more on bras that don't work for me (Steph can testify to my bra angst.) It's nice to check this off of my 'list'.

try not to insult the almighty while getting groceries

yesterday i ran to the grocery on my lunch. In the check out aisle, I noticed this:I know it's difficult to see because I took it with my phone, but it is, "The Idiot's Guide to the Last Days"

seriously?

22 August 2008

keepin that vacay feelin

on the way home from vacay, i jotted down some notes on what contributed to my peaceful, easy feelings on vacation. I want to work on incorporating them into our daily life as much as possible. Here are my notes:

simplicity ** pare down ** provide clear options ** make clear choices ** expect more ** take your breaks where they come ** organization clears the head and relaxes the body ** patience ** the ocean is always worth it

For now, I'm going to work on getting rid of anything in this house that I'm keeping for a maybe someday use. Having only what we need and/or love will make our lives better.

things i don't want to forget

when Johna was around 4, we took her out to dinner. She looked at me very seriously and said sort of sadly, "What do you do when your belly is full but your mouth is still hungry?"

Nora loves, loves, loves to pretend she's going to drive each time we go to the car. It cracks her up to climb up there only to be told, "babies don't drive!" After going through that scenario, she normally goes into her seat more easily than without having a try at driving. When she honks the horn people look over with daggers and I could not care less.

When Becca was in preschool, her teacher called home to tell my mom that she had been crying and when she was asked what was wrong she told them that missionaries had killed her brother and sister and that her mom was in jail. My mom laughed and said, "Well, her mom is in jail (bio mom) and I guess we'll have no more Christian bedtime stories!" When Becca came home, my mom asked her about it and Becca looked around all nervous like and said, "WHERE WERE YOU????"


20 August 2008

the county came

doesn't that just sound like the beginning of some southern novel touted by that she devil, oprah? I guess that provides me some perspective that its not as bad as it could be. They've been out over ten times over the past three months because a neighboring property is getting water from what the neighbor believed to be our property. Three dye tests showed us to be in the clear. Until this week, I guess. They came back and did it again and this time, it showed that it's our septic. Even the county guy can't believe it. It just makes me sick. We just had a huge new system put in a year and a half ago. Paid a ton. Had our entire yard dug up. Replanted. Babied the lawn. Planted our perennials. Planted our bushes. It all makes me want to cry. I seriously can't face any of it again.

I'll try to work on gratitude over here.

Oh, and they took my Obama sign again.

vacation firsts

1st Ivy League Visit




1st Cab Ride









1st Boat Ride









1st Time in a Big Girl Bed












1st Scraped Knee









1st Time @ the Ocean









1st Gelato


1st Time in NYC














1st poop in a potty
{Sorry. No Photo}

*scissormetimbers mad photo creds to Steph



18 August 2008

home again, home again, jiggety jog

we're home. We had a fabulous vacation and were happy to return home, as well. Couldn't ask for more. We came home to construction chaos that is quickly taking shape this morning.
I'm so far behind on everything. Vaca and construction stuff will have to come later. Perhaps much later.
Before we left, we visited the County Fair several times just to get out of the demolished house. Nora liked seeing the animals and LOVED one little area where she could 'fish' for little goldfish. The lady would catch some for her and Nora would pour them in and say, "bye bye, fishies! going home!" She could have done it all night. Those poor, poor fish.
She also tried her hand at the duck game and some tractors. She liked the tractors much more than the ducks.

They had all of these 'collections' that won ribbons. Like keychain collections, cup collections, disney figurines, liquor bottles, mcdonald's happy meal toys, you name it... Being a city girl, I'm not familiar with county fairs, but I want a piece of that action. For me, it was the most entertaining part of the entire fair. Who are these people? How do they enter? and WHO, WHO, WHO awards these ribbons?

07 August 2008

open letter to recruiting sgt rosas cantu

honestly, i can understand why you won't take or return any of my numerous calls. If I made my living lying to poor children in exchange for years of their life (if they're lucky) and really, quite possibly, their actual life, I surely wouldn't want to answer for it either. Do you even remember Becca? She's the beautiful, vivacious 17 year old who was confused about what to do with her life. I'm sure she doesn't stand out much as that definition rightfully fits many a seventeen year old. Also, if you really had seen her, I need to believe that you could have never done what you've done.

A month after her 18th birthday, we invited you to sit with our family and have Sunday dinner. While there, you answered some questions and avoided many others. Remember telling Becca that she'd never have to cut her hair as long as she tied it up? Ha. It seems so minor compared to some of your whoppers now, doesn't it? I remember it. I remember you pulling your hair down, swinging it around and showing us how you used to have it down to your bottom when you were first in the Army. Funny thing is that Becca had to cut her hair before she ever went to basic. Oh, and here's another one Sgt Rosas/Cantu whateveryourname is "If the army changes your contract, then it's void and you can get out" That's a direct quote from you. I wrote it down as you said it because I knew you were a liar. When I pointed out to you that the actual contract that you wanted this child to sign said, "Laws and regulations that govern military personnel may change without notice to me. Such changes may affect my status, pay, allowances, benefits, and responsibilities as a member of the Armed Forces REGARDLESS of the provisions of this enlistment document.", you said, "Oh, but they NEVER do that." And that little girl who is my very heart believed your disgusting lies.

I won't go item by item. Because really, what's the point? Rather, I'll fast forward to two nights ago... when I get a message around 4:00 pm CST that they're changing her contract and bonus and she doesn't know what to do or when she'll get to a phone again. There's no one (including you) that I didn't call. And not one of the persons who actually took my call (not you, of course) was 'able' to help. Becca was able to sneak in a hysterically crying phone call that night. When faced with the new contract, she told them, "Fuck you. I'm going home and going to college." That's when your friendly colleagues filled her in on the TRUTH. They told her that her recruiter must have misinformed her... She's now headed for basic and training in a field that she has no interest in. For FIVE years (oh yeah, remember that trick? She wanted to enlist for three, but you told her that in order to be in her chosen field, it had to be five...) Seriously, how much do they pay you?

The saddest part for you is that you are fully aware of the truth and continue with your sick, predatory actions. Purchasing poor kids for war. What the fuck? It's seriously more difficult for me to understand than say, the actions of a serial killer. In the absence of mental illness or horrible abuse or lack of mental capabilities, you go forward committing crimes against one poor family after another. I hear you're pregnant now... I hope that your newborn child will remind you of your humanness -- of everyone's humanness and therefore, their inherent value.

Her name is Becca. And she's precious beyond all earthly treasures.

04 August 2008

ssssshhhhhhh

nora now shhhhhh's us when we bring up displeasing topics. She does it sweetly and quietly, so it's difficult to know exactly what to do, except I do know that she probably should not shush adults...
"Let's go change your diaper" "shhhhhh"
"It's time for bed." "shhhhhh"
"Mommy needs to go potty a second." "shhhhh"

Also, she broke out the "I don't want to" this weekend. Again, she says it so sweetly. She's now working on understanding just how little that matters in many situations.

 
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