love and miscellany

on father's day we celebrated joe and visited the cemetery where my dad is buried. Some of my sisters have already gone out there but this was the first visit for Nisey, Johna, Susie, Mom and I. It was difficult and heartbreaking. Nora hugged his gravestone though we never told her where we were or why. The day was a good reminder of just how much sister hugs can make life okay. When we were pulling up, Johna said quietly, "I don't know if I can hold it back." I said, "Oh, honey. You never have to hold anything back." She replied, "I just don't want to let out my scream cries." And my heart broke. She's only eight and its just not fair.

On the same day in the evening, Nora started saying she was 'bad' as an explanation for why she wasn't doing what she had been asked. I explained to her that sometimes we all feel crabby and that we still had to do our things. Nora quickly adopted this as her own. Throws toy? -- "I cwabby" Can't pick up toys? -- "I cwabby" Want to harass the cat? --- "Mona, I cwabby. You cwabby? Huh, baby? (chasing her now) You cwabby like me?"

On Monday at a store, a lady asked Nora what her baby's name was. (Nora has started hauling 1 - 4 baby dolls with us everywhere) Nora just looked at her. When we walked away from the lady Nora told me, "This baby can't talk. It not real. It peeetend." Seriously. How would it tell her it's name?

Nora has been having headaches for about a month. They only occur once or twice a week and Tylenol clears them right up. I took her to the doctor because of the specific placement of the 'ache.' It's always the bottom, back, right part of her head. The doctor checked her out head to toe and said that we should keep a journal of all future headaches to see if we see a pattern or any changes. The next step would be scans and tests -- something we both agree that we do not want to rush into. Hopefully there will be no more episodes.

As long as I was on a doctoring kick, I scheduled a hearing test for myself. My hearing is horrible and has gotten worse in the past year. Every interaction with people (especially strangers) requires a lot of 'work' to hear. So, not surprisingly, I need hearing aids. Tomorrow, Y and I go for the fitting. I hope they're either invisible or wicked cool...

my girl

cute things my girl has been doing/saying:

She sings "Give a Wittle Whistle" "Hoooo Hooo"
This must come from some cartoon or something. I love it so much and giggle each time she does it. I must capture this on video but first, I need to buy that Flip thing.

When we were waiting forever for Birdy's ultrasound, Nora told us about all the pets she has. All of them cracked me up, but here are the two items I actually remember: her dolphins eat cucumber and her tigers eat lion soup.

While she was sitting on the potty, I offered to tell her a story to entice her to sit a bit longer. I told her a story of a little girl that was so tiny when she was born but had the biggest smile. Everyone loved her and as she grew, she learned to eat and sit and crawl and talk and walk and finally went potty on the big girl potty. When she finally did it, she got stickers and M&M's and everybody was over the moon happy. Nora interrupted me here and said, "I'm trying!" When she is frustrated or upset, she says (often with no context), "It not mah pwobwem!"
We are looking at bunk beds for her (and eventually Birdy's) bedroom. We talked to her about it but she kept saying she didn't want them. We told her all the cool things about bunk beds and all the kids we know who have them but she still didn't want them. That night when I put her to bed she told me seriously that she did not want a "bumpy bed." Poor baby!

She sang this song from the backseat while we drove around today. It has the sweetest little tune and her sweetest little voice.
I love you
You love me
My mommy
My daddy
And me
I love you
I love you
I love you
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 8, 1, 2, 3
I love you
You love me

fluff for birdy

i owe steph for making me get it. It's a Princess Julianne's Closet L'il Poo Catcher (on the right - next to a goodmama for reference) and it's so cute and soft and wonderful.

nora wants

more pictures of her on this blog. Who am I to deny her?

the mays girls

kind of rolls off the tongue doesn't it? I am pleased beyond most happy to share the news that Birdybean is a GIRL! As I'm sure I've mentioned, we talked with my dad before he passed away and told him that we'd be honored to name our baby, boy or girl, after him. And so, in honor of the best dad in the world, Robert Wayne, Roberta Lane is joining our lives. You can see her beautiful profile below. Please note that her lip and palate are in perfect order. We plan to call her Birdy and I just cannot get enough of the deliciousness of the thoughts of the 'girls'. Color their mother honored, grateful, and joyful.

and shopping!

consumer reports

and i are breaking up for good. I clearly remember the first time I learned of Consumer Reports. I was in fifth grade and so excited that such a resource existed. Unbiased, scientific evaluation of all sorts of product... I still love the concept. Coming from a family with limited resources, I secretly wished my parents would use the magazine to be sure that each purchase was the best one and would serve them well. I doubt that I ever shared this with them as I was (and am) better at secret worrying.

Later in life, I relished making purchases only after checking every possible source including Consumer Reports. Pre-internet, I'd go to the library to look up the articles. My most recent CR purchases are our washer and dryer and our vacuum. All three suck. I'm wondering if anybody who does the ratings actually uses the things. The washer and dryer are great, if you don't have a well and don't do much laundry... but that's not what I'm here about. It's the latest bane of my existence: the vacuum. The vacuum has little pieces that broke right away. When I sent the thing back to Sears, they repaired one out of three problems and I haven't sent it back as I hate living without a vacuum. Outside of that, it's HEAVY, cumbersome, unwieldy, and none of the parts are easy to utilize. I hate this thing -- did I mention that it's clumsy and HEAVY? Anyhow, don't buy this vacuum. That's my little consumer tip of the day.

Kenmore Progressive Upright Vacuum with Inteli-Clean System, Slate Blue

$350 of the worst dollars you'll ever spend.

our beautiful graduate

seems like only yesterday

she was graduating from preschool. Nisey graduates from 8th grade tonight. I couldn't be prouder. <3

synergy and miscellany

{synergy}
that's what y. called it and that's what it is. Yesterday, we both tackled difficult appointments with an 8 year old and a 2 year old and a whole bunch of time in the car. And we rocked it. We rocked it so hard that after handling the appointments, we took the kids to lunch, returned stuff (always a hassle - at least for me) and did a little shopping. We were both home in time to make dinner for our families. Truthfully, Y. rocks at this pace all the time. But me? Any one of the items (especially the appointment at the attorney) would be enough for me to call it a day. It was wonderful and the kids had so much fun. Couldn't really ask for more. Maybe I should work on considering whatever get done in a day enough. What if it was enough?

Also, in light of my last post, Y. was observant and kind enough to remind me that I had been just fine before the latest IRS/lawyer stuff. It's amazing how quickly it seems like nothing is right and never has been and maybe never will be. Why am I so quick to doubt and blame myself? My lack of balanced perspective is disturbing to me. How do you guys keep an adult's broad perspective on things? Please do share.

{miscellany}
Nora was playing with a bus on the piano keys. I walked by and said, "No cars on the piano." Nora replied, "Dis notta car. Dis a coobus." Helpful cherub that she is, she then went and got a car and brought it to me and said, "Dis a car." I suspect that this is only the beginning of her knowing more than I do.


This morning, I said to Nora, "I see you're a bit argumentative today." She yelled, " NO I NOT!"

I was cuddling with her and told her I wished she could be little forever. She said, "Oh, mama." and promptly got up and started walking around the house on her tippy toes.

I am encouraged for Birdybean's future when I see Nora with her baby lately. She talks so tenderly to her (although she calls it a good boy, so maybe it's a him in pink clothing and nailpolish), rocks her, changes her. SO tender. If you don't count throwing her down the stairs regularly.


Thanks to Y's shopping genius, I finally found bedding for Nora's big girl bed. I had given up hope of finding something I really liked -- even when I removed cost from the equation, I was still coming up empty. I'm so happy to have found this Laura Ashely Fairies quilt. It's a nice muted pink (not as bright as the pic) and will look darling in her room. Bonus-Miss N likes it, too!
I'm going to start with Nora's mattress on the floor due mostly to my fears of her falling. Additionally, I'm not sure what kind of bed we will buy her. It really depends upon the gender of the so-far elusive Birdybean.

it's too warm to be this frozen

i am frozen and i don't know why. Is it depression? Is it because I'm not doing whatever it is that I should be doing? Is it because I'm just plain tired? Is it a personality defect? Pure laziness? Is it because I'm pregnant and my allergies are acting up? Am I just overwhelmed? WHAT IS IT? And really, more importantly, why can't I just DEAL like everyone else on the planet? This freezing up in the face of (fear? sadness? too much? life?) is bad for deer in traffic and bad for me.
The only way I can figure to unfreeze is to try each item and give it a jiggle to see if it frees me. Starting with the worst first. The IRS has contacted me regarding my former employer. This as at the end of last week -- I just called my attorney and updated him on the status of things. He is going to call the IRS agent on my behalf and get back to me. Poor birdybean is doing cartwheels making me feel guilty for stressing out so much.
In an effort to unfreeze more, I will finish laundry tonight and get the house properly straightened. We'll see what temperature tomorrow brings.

i'm a winner

or at least birdybean is. We won a lovie/blanket giveaway over at Simple Mom. Joe and I always joke that we are lucky in love... and in nothing else. So it's super exciting to be a winner! I sure hope birdybean reveals his or her gender next week so that we can head on over to Lovie Baby Blankets pick a lovie and blanket just for him or her.

Thanks, Tsh!

when you don't know what to do

do something else. :P So instead of worrying about Jordan, I'm joining a spring cleaning bandwagon from one of my new fav blogs, Simple Mom. I'm almost a month late, but I did Day One and feel super motivated to move on. I should let you know that I only did one floor and it took me two days. But that is totally just me. I'm sure normal peeps would knock this out in the recommended 2 hours. Here are my before and after pictures... oh, and my dining room only has before pictures. It shouldn't complain because the living room didn't even get a before pic.

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

A Lonely Before:

(it should be noted that we do not regularly keep twenty pairs of shoes under our table....)

is it juvie or juvey?

i had sort of planned on a life where i wouldn't really need to know how to spell it. However, this morning we learned that Jordan is in juvenile detention for 18 days for beating another boy up badly. What we really learned, though, is that the family has been lying to us over they year that he has been home. We've been told that his grades aren't that good but that everything is going okay. I don't think they put you in detention for your first offense. My MIL told Joe that he has made his own choices and that at some point you have to let go of them... he's fifteen. It all makes me want to cry and throw up and yell and cry. We are waiting on information to see if we can visit him tomorrow and hope to regain custody of him asap. I will update when I know something.

an im i wanted to keep

{Instant Message 04.15.2009}

(9:21:35 AM) Becca: mommy is baggin up daddys clothes for the sale...
(9:21:45 AM) Becca: do you want anything?
(9:54:51 AM) sarah: oh
(9:54:53 AM) sarah: suspenders
(9:55:11 AM) Becca: thats why I've been calling you
(9:55:15 AM) sarah: sorry
(9:55:17 AM) sarah: i was sleeping
(9:55:17 AM) Becca: its ok
(9:55:21 AM) Becca: sorry!
(9:55:22 AM) sarah: no ringer on
(9:55:45 AM) sarah: that's so sad
(9:56:00 AM) Becca: mama says shes already got em set aside for you
(9:56:21 AM) Becca: i knew we were gna get rid of it, but not so fast
(9:56:26 AM) Becca: this is not ok with me
(9:56:35 AM) sarah: it sucks
(9:56:37 AM) sarah: go help her
(9:56:42 AM) sarah: its not easy on her either
(9:56:46 AM) Becca: I think shes already done
(9:57:06 AM) Becca: I just got home from work and saw what she was doing
(9:57:21 AM) sarah: ok
(9:57:24 AM) sarah: poor mom
(9:57:25 AM) Becca: I know hes gone but idk how to explain it
(9:57:28 AM) sarah: I'd hate to do it
(9:57:30 AM) sarah: i know
(9:57:36 AM) sarah: just want to keep everything
(9:57:39 AM) Becca: yeah
(9:58:25 AM) Becca: I'm keepiong the blue tux shirt
(9:58:48 AM) sarah: lmao
(9:58:52 AM) sarah: that's what I just thought to ask for
(9:58:55 AM) Becca: I love it
(9:58:59 AM) Becca: lol
(9:59:00 AM) Becca: sorry
(9:59:03 AM) sarah: no prob
(9:59:21 AM) Becca: I cant think of anything else I want
(9:59:38 AM) sarah: me neither
(9:59:39 AM) sarah: its fine
(9:59:42 AM) Becca: cant we just box it all and keep it?
(9:59:44 AM) sarah: for real
(9:59:53 AM) sarah: no
(9:59:57 AM) Becca: why not?
(10:00:01 AM) sarah: i think that's called hording
(10:00:26 AM) Becca: i dont give a shit what its called I dont want to see any old guy in town wearing daddys clothes
(10:00:42 AM) sarah: LOL
(10:00:49 AM) Becca: its not funny!
(10:01:02 AM) sarah: Dad's a good sharer
(10:01:18 AM) Becca: dad might be but I'm not
(10:01:23 AM) sarah: no. you're not
(10:02:16 AM) sarah: oh i miss him
(10:02:27 AM) Becca: me too
(10:02:30 AM) sarah: i keep trying to think of things to keep but none of it is going to do the job(10:02:39 AM) Becca: I know
(10:03:02 AM) Becca: its just getting harder everyday hes not here sat home where he should be
(10:03:11 AM) sarah: i know
(10:03:20 AM) sarah: i keep wanting to call him for advice
(10:03:34 AM) Becca: or when I get lost and I'm driving idk who to call anymore
(10:03:45 AM) sarah: lol
(10:04:32 AM) Becca: ...and there another thing
(10:05:18 AM) Becca: i wish daddy and ben could have met
(10:05:22 AM) sarah: yes
(10:05:27 AM) sarah: all of those things will be hard
(10:05:49 AM) Becca: i miss him so bad
(10:05:50 AM) sarah: can you think of anything else to keep of dad's?
(10:06:01 AM) sarah: i feel like I"m missing an opportunity but really can't think of anything
(10:06:03 AM) Becca: I kept a pocketknife
(10:07:31 AM) sarah: is there another pocketknife?
(10:07:35 AM) Becca: yeah
(10:07:36 AM) sarah: that's a keepsie thing
(10:07:39 AM) Becca: theres three
(10:07:42 AM) sarah: ok keep one for me, please
(10:07:53 AM) Becca: i will for sure
(10:08:02 AM) Becca: do you want a handkerchief
(10:08:06 AM) sarah: YES
(10:08:14 AM) sarah: maybe we could roll around in all of his clothes...
(10:08:21 AM) sarah: make blankets out of it
(10:08:33 AM) Becca: I say we do it
(10:08:39 AM) Becca: I want a daddy blanket
(10:08:58 AM) Becca: but who are we going to hire to sew?
(10:09:00 AM) Becca: lol
(10:09:12 AM) sarah: lol
(10:09:15 AM) sarah: well, none of us
(10:09:30 AM) Becca: yeah but thats a good idea
(10:09:31 AM) sarah: Sue sews
(10:09:47 AM) sarah: all of tshirts and flannel shirts
(10:09:55 AM) Becca: huh?
(10:09:59 AM) sarah: little quilts
(10:10:06 AM) Becca: i like that idea
(10:10:10 AM) Becca: imma run it by mom
(10:10:17 AM) sarah: ok
(10:10:19 AM) sarah: see what she says
(10:10:58 AM) Becca: she wants to know what to keep
(10:11:06 AM) Becca: says she got risd of all the tshirts
(10:11:22 AM) sarah: tshirts, flannels, cottons
(10:11:35 AM) sarah: i guess anything that could be cut up to make squares on a blanket
(10:11:43 AM) sarah: becca -- we could HAND SEW them!
(10:11:49 AM) sarah: like how to make an american quilt
(10:11:56 AM) Becca: dude...
(10:12:01 AM) Becca: im in!!!
(10:12:08 AM) sarah: how hard can it be?
(10:12:14 AM) Becca: we could figure it out
(10:12:22 AM) Becca: and you dont work anymore
(10:12:27 AM) Becca: we have plenty of time
(10:12:34 AM) sarah: excellent
(10:12:40 AM) sarah: we just have to cut squares
(10:12:43 AM) sarah: and sew them
(10:12:45 AM) sarah: i can do that
(10:12:53 AM) sarah: i've just never been MOTIVATED to sew
(10:12:56 AM) Becca: shouldnt we have somthin under it....
(10:13:11 AM) Becca: like the squares on top
(10:13:15 AM) sarah: well we'll have to have something sewn to the back
(10:13:19 AM) Becca: and a cotton sheet under it?
(10:13:21 AM) Becca: right
(10:13:23 AM) sarah: yeah
(10:13:31 AM) sarah: tell mom we need her sheets!
(10:13:34 AM) sarah: just kidding
(10:13:38 AM) Becca: ew lol
(10:13:59 AM) Becca: k were making blankets
(10:14:12 AM) sarah: excellent
(10:14:12 AM) Becca: im so excited we figured out a way to keep it all
(10:14:14 AM) sarah: me too
(10:14:16 AM) sarah: lol
(10:14:19 AM) sarah: we're sick
(10:14:21 AM) Becca: lol
(10:14:26 AM) Becca: I KNOW!
(10:14:28 AM) Becca: but idc

{as of 05.20.2009, nothing has been done to make these blankets a reality...}

thanks in advance

can one of you ladies try this out for me? Because I'm just curious.

10 things that make me terribly happy

`a la the rockstar diaries

1. joe scratching my back
2. clean sheets and the time to devote to appreciating them
3. the anticipation of getting the mail
4. a long drive and this american life
5. mcdonald's diet coke, first press olive oil, and garden tomatoes
6. the peace i get from time with my y.
7. that moment when everything essential on the to do list is done
8. nora's belly and feet and well, just everything nora
9. feeling a baby kick, it's so private and wonderful
10. laughing with my mom and sisters

what i never wanted

i don't want my dad to have a headstone. Becca went to the cemetery today and I don't know why this picture breaks my heart all over again, but it does.

for steph

birdybean at 16 weeks.

Bonus: if you look really closely you can read tips on taking care of your teeth!

oh so much going on and so little of it moves me to record it. I've been working with my mom to find a new house in the school district we've selected for Nisey and today, for the first time, there was a house we liked. Exciting. And encouraging after about twenty houses that we didn't care for at all -- we were seriously getting worried and entertaining thoughts of her building on our property. Today we are working on staging her home for the market. It's all so difficult -- she takes my advice seriously and I just pray that it's good advice for both her and the girls.

Nora is rockin' and rollin'. We still use Thinkbaby sippy 'cups' with a nipple: My next hurdle with her will be to get rid of the nipple tops. After that, I will nudge her more towards potty training. A year ago she was SO interested in it and now she doesn't even want to talk about it.

Birdybean's big 3-D debut is scheduled for June 9th in the afternoon. Because I left my job, we need to switch our coverage over to Joe's employer. Only we can't do that until my coverage is terminated and I get official notification of it. I have tried and tried to get the information and will eventually get it... The problem is that I have no real way of knowing if the new plan will cover things nor do I know our true expense on any of it. BLAH BLAH BLAH, it all boils down to me hating having important things up in the air and having no control over getting them settled. It all makes me want to go back to bed.

i heart my crockpot.

this is cooking right now in crockpot, the kitchen is clean, and the dishes are running in the dishwasher. My house smells yummy, I'm going to have lunch and spend the afternoon with my BFF, AND my husband will be ever so pleasantly surprised by dinner. I followed most of the directions from the crockpot lady -- adapting it do what we had around. I'll update after we have it to confirm it's suspected deliciousness.

Alina did me a huge favor and clued me in to calling my doctor to check on my antidepressant dosage. I do have a lot going on and my dad did just die -- that said, I've been SO overwhelmed. I'm thrown off if I have to shift gears and if the phone rings, it fills my heart with a mix of despair and anxiety. (The phone thing is normally my first clue of depression.) I'm so excited to have been given the clue before it got any worse. I could have wasted the beautiful summer feeling off before I recognized the signs. I'm in my second trimester so I'm hoping we can do the adjustments as cautiously as possible. I'm going to make our appt for 3D ultrasound before I leave the house today -- the doc gave her referral so if Birdybean cooperates, we'll know her/his gender in early June in addition to checking out the palate and such.

Something nice before I close: Nora told me yesterday that I was her favorite girl. Heaven.