i recently returned to therapy after a long break. I really want to beat depression in every way that I can and figured it couldn't hurt. In the past I thought a therapist had to be smarter than me and had to have some sort of magic powers - I felt that I already KNEW things and that they couldn't help me by telling me about those things.. This time around I realize that they are simply a partner in creating the life I desire. Much like a personal trainer -- I wouldn't mock a trainer for directing me to do crunches or push ups -- even though I am already aware of them. My point really is that we did the intake appointment (which was rough) and I asked her to give me one thing I could work on this week to improve my life. She told me to do a gratitude journal. My immediate reaction was that I've done this before and it struck me as cliche`. Regardless, I am here and I am going to do it. Only I'm going to call it my three highlights because gratitude makes it seem so DEEP and universal. Also, I love Highlights magazine. So no pressure... here are three highlights from today:
January 11
Birdy's "k" sounds are all "t" -- One day, I'm going to really miss "Otay, mommy"
December 28
Nora wants to make Joe Mays something for an early 'Old Parents' Day' present.
December 25
AGAIN... just posting an old post. Every time I come to blog, I think, "Oh! FIRST I need to edit/finish/delete the old ones. No more.
10.08.2011
Birdy no longer calls Nora 'Nee Nee' and it makes me sad. She's so loving and funny and sweet. Her current loves are "Annie", hippos, anything her sister does, not napping, her bottle (which I have no plan of taking), watching movies cuddled in my spot on my bed, and her dad and her mom. She loves to play with her dollhouse, babies, and rubber snakes. Her favorite food is refried beans and she loves her some milk. She's talking up a storm and is SO good at giving us clues when we don't know what she means. She knows the names of all the other babies in the church nursery, and I swear it's only because she loves to say, "No, so-and-so!" She's got a big little belly and skinny little legs -- looking at her naked we crack up over how appropriate her name is. She's just a love bug.
Nora is five now and as amazing as ever. She's kind, thoughtful, and just plain good. I love to watch her figure out the world. When I'm tired, she does things to surprise me -- things like EMPTYING the dishwasher, switching over the laundry, and mopping. Where on earth did this kid come from?
Joe is more than I could ever deserve, as well.
Written in May:
For Mother's Day Joe gave me two nights at a local hotel. It is my hope that I will sleep two nights in a row-- ALL night. I cannot imagine what that might do for me. It has been about two years since I slept through the night. I have a kajillion hopes for these few hours alone but the first thing I wanted to do was get back to blogging. It's a good discipline for me and I always appreciate being able to look back.
December 28, 2011 -- I'm just posting this because what on earth...
i want to get back to blogging but perfectionism is jacking it up. So here's just some stuff. Notes I've had around. Stuff about these amazing girls who I get to share life with. Stuff.
November 3 2010. thirty-eight. It's really great. This birthday was one of my best birthdays ever. Probably THE best birthday ever. It was low key yet I was celebrated in so many ways. Wonderful.
20th class reunion. Nobody remembered my angst. And if they cared about my weight it couldn't be seen through their own set of problems. People were dumb. Geeks were nice. Populars were douches. Those who didn't come -- bigger douches or bigger chickens?
Things I love about Nora at age four: Nora has this place she refers to in most of her pretend play. It's called "Conuyet" I think it came about as a hybrid of Calliou and Calumet and sometimes California. She's used it for over a year. If anyone in a story is going anywhere, if she has to go anywhere, if she's FORGOTTEN to go somewhere, Conuyet (in my head, it's spelled much more exotically but I'm afraid to forget how she says it.
Another constant feature in her stories and pretend life are her 'bad boys.' She calls them 'my bad boys'. They came about when a boy at a park hit her and Nisey was living with us and got caught behind school with a boy who was smoking named David. Whenever David would call her, Joe would say, Oh, is that bad David? Oh the things her bad boys do! They're always needing time outs and are the answer to questions like, "Mom? You know who don't wike things that be good?"
Nora also has a 'brudder' in her pretend world. She talks about him constantly. When in the car we often hear, "Mom? Do you want to talk about my brother?" And so we do. His name is currently Eloise but that can change. His age definitely changes and so does whether or not he's still with the living. He is the subject of a majority of stories, paintings, and drawings. In fact, this week at parent teacher conferences we were looking at drawings and I said to the teachers, you know she doesn't have a brother, right? The one teacher tentatively said, "Well, yes... she told us he passed away..." We had a good laugh setting them straight. {there's a whole other story in here that i'll try to record some other time}
Nora is incredible with Birdy. She's so patient and seems to be able to roll with the challenges of having a toddler sister who wants to do everything she does. She shares to a degree that amazes me and when it comes time to clean up, she never differentiates whose mess we are cleaning. Another neat thing is that sometimes she can tell me what Birdy is upset about and she's absolutely right. Like in the car the other day, I said something like, Oh, Birdy, I'm sorry you're upset. Maybe you're getting tired. And Nora said, "No. She just wants to not be in the car anymore." And when we got home, that little Bird was SO happy to be out of her car seat and not a bit tired.
Nora told me the other day that she plans on being the girl Barack Obama.
She loves going to grandma's house with or without her aunties being home. She would pick a day with Grandma over almost anything with her poor old mama.
The other morning, I woke up looking for Nora because I had heard her about. She was out shoveling the fresh snow with Joe. It was 5:30 am. She is the hardest little worker. She mops, vacuums, shovels, rakes... and does it well.
She is such a lovebug lately. Snuggles and kisses and hugs are frequent and big.
At preschool, she has asked me not to follow her. She's insistent. This leaves me as the only mom who doesn't walk her child into the classroom. It doesn't matter how much she needs to carry in -- she manages on her own. I DO make her kiss me goodbye before we hit the hallway where she becomes completely independent. Along the same lines, the children have assigned seating in class. Nora has been at the 'red table' all year. The other day, she evidently requested a seat change to the blue table. The teacher allowed it. When I asked her why she had switched, she replied that the red table was boring her.
Nora is just learning to write her name. Many children in her class have written their names for some time now. I don't know if it's a left hand thing or what, but this stuff seems difficult for her and barely holds her interest. On the other hand, she has started doing addition on her fingers. One plus one, one plus two, etc. If she didn't look so much like me, I might doubt her maternal link. Update to this somewhat dated note: we talked about her writing her name with her teachers and they, too, have observed that Nora CAN write her name but just isn't interested in it. It was nice to hear that we don't have to force her and exciting to work with them to learn how to help motivate Nora or at least nudge her towards coerced self-motivation.
Nora is very generous and able to let go of things quite easily. At school, they collected money for an angel tree family, and Nora gave everything she has. She is also quick to suggest that we give away toys to someone who might like them more because they are 'old' to her or she has grown up. I often have to talk her out of giving away toys that I think she'll play with again.
I'll close this post with random FB statuses relating to Nora:
happy new year. I love a fresh start and the freshness of New Year can't be manufactured at any other time so I'm digging it right now. So much is going on that I never blog because I can't figure out what takes precedent for recording for our family or what needs working through by writing.
But then I had a thought. The kind of thought that you probably already have thought but that I've never grasped. On Friday, I went to the gym and met a mommy friend there. As an indicator of our fitness and commitment level, we thought we were going to a half hour beginner's class and both of us considered canceling. We made it there for what turned out to be a one hour intense step interval class. And it rocked. We modified where needed, we succeeded some, laughed a lot -- we survived. I left feeling so triumphant. Like ME -- me --- regular, nonathletic, fat, uncoordinated, undisciplined ME did a class with THOSE women. And I could not have cared less what I looked like or what anyone thought. While wonderful, this was not the epiphany. The epiphany was that it took the good portion of the morning to get everyone ready, get to the gym, take the class, get the children, go home and clean up. For once, I didn't try to 'make up' for the time lost doing something for myself. Normally, I would feel guilty and work double time during the afternoon on whatever I think other people think I should have done. Here it is: doing something for myself is worth REAL time -- not late late nights or stolen moments --- REAL time. The sort of time where you could meet with people who want something from you, the sort of time you could schedule with appointments, cleaning, laundry, shopping, or phone calls.... REAL time. I've seriously often wondered how people fit in working out, getting hair and nails done, doctor's appointments, creative time... now I know what they know. It's not magic. It's not better discipline or scheduling. It's knowing your own worth and enjoying the trip.
jesus himself best not get in the way of the hug i'm going to give my dad when i see him again.
i have so many unposted drafts that i feel silly knowing that i'll actually finish this one. But it's my blog and I'll cry if I want to. Nora had her first playdate without me at a nonfamily member's home this morning. The children had a wonderful time and even I survived (although I was more 'aware' of her absence than ever.) The reason I did not accompany her is that the other child is painfully shy and we were hoping that they might have a better time if she didn't have to worry about unknown me. What I love is that her mom approached me and said that her daughter is terribly shy and barely speaks at school, but when she gets home, she has tons and tons to say about Nora. So fun to watch her navigate the world of 'others.' On the way home, we discussed what she did with her new friend and how much fun she had. And then we had this conversation:
Nora: What do you fink she fought a you?
Me: I don't know. What do you think she thought of me?
Nora: She pwobabwy fought you were different.
Me: Oh yeah? How am I different?
Nora: You don't talk wike her mom. I talk wike her but not you.
*oof*
Me: You're right. I do talk different from you and others. It's one of the ways that people are different.
and on we went to another topic. I have a cleft palate and lip and in addition to a very nasally voice, I have impediments all sorts of letters, but especially "s." I've been waiting for this moment for most of my life. And really, I'm proud that my daughter handled it kindly and directly. And so it was fine. Totally fine. Except that I went from being in a really great groove over here to feeling like I might fall over from a need for sleep. My brain knows so much more so much better than my body but my body wants to crawl into a dark tunnel and cry and cry.
i keep trying to find a way to sum up last week so that I can move beyond it and there just isn't a good way to do it. It was an awful week and you know what? Even in the midst of awful, I surely have so, so much to be forever grateful for. I'm just going to list it here without all of the stories I'd like to include on each item. Maybe another day, another time.
Sunday was the wake for our friends' baby daughter.
Monday Joe's mom text broke up with us.
Tuesday Nora swallowed a quarter and had to have an emergency procedure to remove it.
Wednesday we attended another wake. This time for a dear friend's father. He was one of the good guys.
That's all there is. We are so blessed beyond any measure.
i can't blog because i haven't blogged so i can't blog. Instead, I think of a few things a day I would like to blog about (thogging) and then don't do it because if it's not about the girls then I feel guilty not updating them first and if it is about the girls, I want to get it right. I am well aware that no other posts have been so well thought out and multi-drafted -- in my imagination, I am much more on top of things.
So here is today's out of order, not most important, not anything really - thing. Today I got to meet another mom and family from Nora's online playgroup (more on that in a minute.) In preparing for it I became nervous, as I do when meeting new people. Am I too fat? Too silly? Not smart enough? But mostly, I worry about my speech impediment. Like, what if they can't understand me? Should I 'warn' her ahead of time? Am I an ungrateful narcissist? Am I being ridiculous? My solution to this thought process was to call my two of my dearest friends and get their opinions. This is, and always will be, the best solution to many a problem and I'm lucky to have it. Only this time it occurred to me that 1)They don't have a cleft palate and speech impediment, I do; and 2)If I was going to get precious time to talk to either one of them, I didn't necessarily want to waste it on such negative trivia. So it is that at the age of almost 38, I figured out that I don't need a popular vote, approval, or social safety in order for a decision to be right for me. I am sure that to most of you this is an obvious truth, but I am often sure that others know better or are in the very least laughing at me or judging me. This is profound for me. Even if everyone disagrees with me, I may still be doing just the thing I should. Wow.
When I was pregnant with Nora, I joined an online 'expecting club.' It was a group of ladies who, like me, were all due in October 2006. Occasionally, it was helpful but I mostly found it clique-y and stupid. When Nora was born 7 weeks early, I found myself even further alienated from that group and checked out the September 2006 Expecting Club. I immediately liked the group better. Amazingly (or not), I am still in contact with many of these women. I feel so lucky to be a part of something that so simply (but almost magically) just worked. This has gone way beyond our initial bonding over pregnancy, delivery, and newborns -- these women have regularly made me laugh so hard I choke, been fun and snarky with me, gotten me through grief and loss, shared the tedium of every days, taught me about parenting, community, everyday home skills, life, generosity, strength, love and have, generally, made me a better person. Four years later, I count them among some of my best friends. Today marked the tenth woman I was able to meet in person. Can't wait to make it more!
just a couple of random thoughts. Before we had Birdy, I wondered how it would be to have two children. Of COURSE we'd love baby number two, but really, there was no way that baby number one wouldn't be our favorite. After all, how could any one person be asked to live up to all that baby number one is? I went forward and trusted that there was enough love to go around and that we wouldn't completely ruin baby number two.
So here's what it's really like for me: when I'm with Nora alone, I am positive that she is my favorite. Like, giddily positive and how could anything or anyone in the world compare to my first baby. And then... when I'm with Birdy alone, I feel almost guilty for how SURE I am that she is, indeed, my favorite and imagine if we hadn't have had her wouldn't life be so empty. And when I'm with them together? Well then I'm sure I won the universal lottery to have been given TWO children such as these... TWO. Me! Me - who isn't 'lucky,' me - who has a birth defect and was told by a doctor at the age of 17 to never have children, me - who is adopted and doesn't know much useful genetic information, ME, unbelievably me! The lottery is not fair, I didn't deserve it, I certainly didn't earn it, but damned if I didn't win it.
because staying at home has somehow made me even worse at blogging, here is yet another scattered update post.
Birdy First
Everyone comments on what a happy baby Birdy is. She really is a joy. She gives the most delicious hugs and giggles easily. Most of the time she is smiling and babbling and even when she’s not, you can easily remedy her problem and return her to her happy self quickly. She has almost five teeth that have cut through now – three bottom and two top. Her first tooth came in May 21 – correction, her first TWO teeth came in that day. Before that, she had been waking 3 – 4 times a night. Since then, she has cut one more through and ALMOST has another one. I’ve tried unsuccessfully to capture a picture of her three little bottom teeth, but so far, not so good. Gone is her gummy smile. She still has Physical Therapy once a week because she is not yet sitting up on her own (it actually started when she wasn’t rolling ‘on time’). I’d like to cancel it because I feel that she’s progressing just fine but they act like it’s really something. Truth be told, I suppose it’s not a bad thing to have another set of eyes observing her progress; especially when I’d be happy to keep her an infant forever. {UPDATE: Birdy sits with the pros now but still doesn't crawl. They have continued her therapy biweekly until she crawls. Which will be any day now.} Since allergy season started strong, she has been waking 3 – 4 times a night. Once the allergies cleared, she was teething, and now? Who knows? All I know is that she was much closer to sleeping through the night at 3 months than she is at 7 months.
Despite her 'need' for therapy, she wiggles and kicks constantly. Her squirmy acrobatics are constant - she even holds her bare foot while she nurses. I call her my monkey girl because if I move her little hands away from something I don't want her to have, she tries immediately to get it with one of her feet!
i'm so far 'behind' on this blog and i don't care because you know why? It's all good. I am blessed beyond measure and just loving these girls right up.
a wonderful woman needs our help Maybe you know a way to get these drugs and/or testing covered -or- maybe you know of some program that could help -or- maybe you can help in some other way -or- maybe even help directly on your own. I can personally vouch for the integrity and worthiness of this request. Let's figure this out, shall we?
and i don't use 's' words lightly. I should make a post catching this up on everyone being sick, me trying (yet again) to find my stay at home groove, family, friends, and life. Instead, I am crazy excited about grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is my nemesis. In fact, even though I stay at home now, Joe does a lot of the shopping. This solution is two-fold: 1) Making it a challenge with coupons, and 2) Going late at night ALONE. I've been trying to be really thrifty lately (see [possibly underwhelming] results here), but the second part of it is the part I'm excited about. Nora goes to bed by 8 pm and Joe and Birdy are normally asleep by 9:30 pm; so last night, I went around 9:30 pm to an almost empty grocery store and just took my time. While I walked the store, I listened to This American Life on my headphones/telephone. Pure bliss. I got home around 11:30 and rather than being tired, I felt rejuvenated and accomplished. Those two feelings are a rare occurrence around here and to have them together at the same time? Well that's just something worth blogging about.
