things that are currently adding to my happiness

my almost nightly delicious smoothies

plus plus

if Aveeno didn't do such a great job, this Body Shop Samsuta Body Butter would be my favorite lotion based upon its scrumptious smell

but, Aveeno DOES do a great job. Even my skin doesn't itch with it.

for my heels and lips at night...

first ear infection

as someone born with a cleft palate, i have endured numerous surgeries -- about a third of them on my ears. Since finding out at the 3D ultrasound that Nora did not have a cleft palate, I've marvelled at my daughter's healthy structures. For real. Marvelled. And felt so grateful. I still do, but on Friday afternoon after her nap, she complained that her ears hurt. She's never complained of this before so we knew something was wrong. Fortunately, the doctor's office fit us in at 5:30 that evening to confirm our baby's first ear infection.

We're quite certain she will be a doctor given her accurate self diagnosis.

wassdat

nora and i were watching television this morning and a commercial for huggies natural fit diapers came on. You know the one where one woman takes her baby to the park and another woman takes a brick to the park. The point being that huggies are made to fit human babies and the competition is not. So we were watching, and Nora said quite pointedly, "Mama, wassDAT?" I said, that's a brick. She said, "No it not - it poo poo" Which makes the commercial so much funnier.

passionate motherhood

i've always felt a little less 'passionate' about motherhood than i expected. My expectations, combined with my perception of others' experiences, just seemed different from what I actually experienced. I thought I would be one of those mothers that was consumed by motherhood - loving every second of it to the exclusion of other things. But, that wasn't me. It certainly is not that I don't adore my daughter or that I wouldn't kill and/or die for her. Or that anything in my life takes priority over her. It's just different.
Last Thursday, she and I spent the day together. We went to a doctor's appt for her at U of C and then went to my office where she helped me work (for real and at her insistence) and then had lunch together. For once, I did not feel torn between roles and failing at all of them. I don't know why. But without that nagging questioning and negativity as my constant companion, I felt passionate about motherhood. Still maybe not the same as I thought it would be, but passionate nonetheless. It was wonderful and powerful and positive.
So now I am left to ponder... Was I holding back something (or enjoying/risking less) because I am working and know I can't do it full-time? Did I think others would judge it negatively? Or, is it just a simple matter of how much energy and time any of us has in a day? The more roles, the more they have to share the energy and time that we have. I'm going to have to give this equation some thought because it should be a guide for how we arrange our life once I 'retire.' Perhaps doing it all just makes it all suck.

a wish for all of our children

Dear Malia and Sasha,
I know that you've both had a lot of fun these last two years on the campaign trail, going to picnics and parades and state fairs, eating all sorts of junk food your mother and I probably shouldn't have let you have. But I also know that it hasn't always been easy for you and Mom, and that as excited as you both are about that new puppy, it doesn't make up for all the time we've been apart. I know how much I've missed these past two years, and today I want to tell you a little more about why I decided to take our family on this journey.
When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me—about how I'd make my way in the world, become successful, and get the things I want. But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. And suddenly, all my big plans for myself didn't seem so important anymore. I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn't count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfillment in yours. In the end, girls, that's why I ran for President: because of what I want for you and for every child in this nation.
I want all our children to go to schools worthy of their potential—schools that challenge them, inspire them, and instill in them a sense of wonder about the world around them. I want them to have the chance to go to college—even if their parents aren't rich. And I want them to get good jobs: jobs that pay well and give them benefits like health care, jobs that let them spend time with their own kids and retire with dignity.
I want us to push the boundaries of discovery so that you'll live to see new technologies and inventions that improve our lives and make our planet cleaner and safer. And I want us to push our own human boundaries to reach beyond the divides of race and region, gender and religion that keep us from seeing the best in each other.
Sometimes we have to send our young men and women into war and other dangerous situations to protect our country—but when we do, I want to make sure that it is only for a very good reason, that we try our best to settle our differences with others peacefully, and that we do everything possible to keep our servicemen and women safe. And I want every child to understand that the blessings these brave Americans fight for are not free—that with the great privilege of being a citizen of this nation comes great responsibility.
That was the lesson your grandmother tried to teach me when I was your age, reading me the opening lines of the Declaration of Independence and telling me about the men and women who marched for equality because they believed those words put to paper two centuries ago should mean something.
She helped me understand that America is great not because it is perfect but because it can always be made better—and that the unfinished work of perfecting our union falls to each of us. It's a charge we pass on to our children, coming closer with each new generation to what we know America should be.
I hope both of you will take up that work, righting the wrongs that you see and working to give others the chances you've had. Not just because you have an obligation to give something back to this country that has given our family so much—although you do have that obligation. But because you have an obligation to yourself. Because it is only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you will realize your true potential.
These are the things I want for you—to grow up in a world with no limits on your dreams and no achievements beyond your reach, and to grow into compassionate, committed women who will help build that world. And I want every child to have the same chances to learn and dream and grow and thrive that you girls have. That's why I've taken our family on this great adventure.
I am so proud of both of you. I love you more than you can ever know. And I am grateful every day for your patience, poise, grace, and humor as we prepare to start our new life together in the White House.
Love, Dad

Nora and I watching the Inauguration

grandma's bread, part two

say what you will about us mays girls; one thing you can't say is that we're quitters. And so, we'll try again with the bread. I think I need to purchase different yeast -- this packet says "great for breadmakers!" and I just wonder if it doesn't mean something other than Nora and I. The bread this time, was at least fit for the birds. I'm sure they appreciated it given all of our snow.

the two people she'll meet in heaven

this weekend we were playing twenty questions with my little sister, johna, in the car. She's seven and easily tempted to switch her 'thing' in the middle of the game so we've found it helpful to limit the genre each time we play. That day we chose people. Which I suppose is what prompted her to be considering people - alive and dead - and then, to thoughtfully say this about Caitie (our sister Becca' best friend who passed away a few months ago):

"Caitie got to meet Elvis and Goliath first!"

'Cuz who else would you look up first when you got there?

16 random things

because i'm a little ocd about keeping like information with like, this 'gem' from facebook goes here:

Here are the rules: once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you – anything you want. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you ...

16. If they made pocket English bulldogs, or, even better, pocket monkeys, I would so get one.

15. If I had to choose, I'd choose invisibility over the ability to fly. I'd like to be a really fast invisible person, though.

14. I'm super duper happy when listening to This American Life

13. I like coins. A lot. Like I dream about finding them. And those dreams are in my top five dreams ever.

12. If I could add an ability without any effort, I'd choose to be a painter. Art. Not walls.

11. I think I'm shy; but there are those who disagree.

10. Lyle Lovett rocks. This is not a fact about me. Just a fact.

9. I spend a lot of time on the computer. A. Lotalot.

8. I use too may commas. This does not keep me from being critical about the grammar of other people.

7. Nora gets her impatience and micromanaging from me. (Joe forget you ever read this)

6. I love to sleep. I so wish it was an Olympic event.

5. I'm not a camper. I'm not even a picnicker. But I think I'd like to go on safari.

4. I'm resistant to change. Unless it is my idea -- and even then...

3. Sixteen is a lot of random things.

2. I special order most things. Not because I'm picky. Because I know better how things should be made. :P

1. I'm tagging however many people I'd like to. Screw the rules, man.

things i don't want to forget

nora sitting near mona (our cat who is not known for being nice) "I like Mona." pause. "Mona loves me."

My little sister, Nisey, was going to sit on my lap. She's just a tiny thing and I stopped her and complained about her bony little butt. She laughed and said, "Give it another try. I've been eating cornbread!"

remember

i had every intention of coming here and complaining about work (rightfully so) and my husband (not so rightfully so). But luckily, I spent an hour sitting and singing with Nora while she took a bath. Chorus after chorus of ABC, Santa, Jesus, Bus, and Quack songs gave me some much needed perspective. And for that and much, much more I am ever so grateful.

grandma's bread

my grandma made all of her food from scratch. One of my favorites, whose scent/taste/texture is laden with memories and joy, is her bread. I used to make it more often but now its been years. I decided on Friday to finally make it with Nora. The experience, without sounding to crazy, was almost spiritual in nature.

First, we mixed the ingredients:

And we mixed and mixed. Until we had nice dough:

Then it was time to knead (Nora preferred using her rolling pin) the dough. Like Grandma's recipe says... this is hard work but just think of how good your bread is going to be!

Now if you think the next picture involves us enjoying beautiful and delicious loaves, perhaps you stumbled over here from here or here, or even here (or any other number of mamas who seem to do this stuff effortlessly.) Our first attempt came nowhere near turning out. Something was wonky with the yeast, so we baked them and threw them in the compost heap. This Friday, we'll try again!

truer words

{texting with my sister}

me: I'm trying to decide if I have time to nap...
B: Just nap. It's worth the time.
me: Truer words have not been spoken.
B: I know this. In fact, **** and I skipped detail today to take naps.
me: lol
B: Yep. So don't feel bad. Naps are wonderful. Stop texting and go to sleep. Shit, take some nyquil - the sleep better to feel better medicine.
me: I'm so glad you can quote that.
B: me too.

{night night}

somehow, there is still happiness

random happiness:

becca and i had a good laugh about so many people we know thinking heaven was the place to be seen. We took comfort in knowing that we won't be the loser new girls when we get there because we'll already know people. And we bet they're really popular, too. While it made us laugh, it also rings true for me. The more people who go ahead, the less I fear.

Nora and I were watching Martha Speaks yesterday when two of the characters had on capes. She looked at me quite seriously and said, "they super."

This morning I was cuddling with her and kept kissing her head. She said, "No kiss boo boos. I keep them."

what words are there {part two}

Dante earned his wings at 8:33 am today.

Godspeed little baby.

what words are there

as many of you know, 2008 was a difficult year for my little sister. She joined the army and quickly learned some hard lessons and then lost her best friend on her birthday. Right after losing sweet Catie, her nogoodnik boyfriend cheated on her and, of course, called her in basic training to tearfully confess. During exodus (what she and, I assume, the army call Christmas break), she started to hang out with Danny, a guy she had gone to school with and worked with, and they intended to officially date once she returns for good in February. On Saturday, January 3, 2008, Danny died in a car accident. My poor little girl. What words are there to lift up her heart and keep her afloat? What can I impart to strengthen her when I suspect that there is nothing.


Daniel H
September 25th, 1989 - January 3rd, 2009
Daniel Craig H age 19, of DeMotte, IN passed away on Saturday Jan. 3, 2009 as a result of an auto accident. He was born on September 25, 1989 in Munster, IN to Craig and Jennifer (Nelson) H, both survive. Daniel was a graduate of KV High School Class of 2008 and worked at Gas City. He was a member of Family Christian Center, Munster and was an avid musician and drum player. Daniel is survived by his loving parents, Craig & Jennifer H of DeMotte, IN, Paternal Grandparents, Joseph H, Star City, Arkansas and Faye H, Belleville, MI, Brothers, Wayne Douglas & Joshua Kyle, both of DeMotte, IN

she cracks us up

{Joe sniffing around}
Joe: Nora, do you have poopies in there?
Nora: Not yet!

aught nine oughts

2009 and i don't do resolutions. But I could embrace some things. Things like forgiveness, growth, acceptance, and faithfulness. Like most people, these are things that I need to extend to myself more so than to others. I'm excited to have a brand new year to write on checks and memos and even more excited to have the clean slate of a new year. There's nothing like a new notebook.

My grandma was born in 1909 and my family will gather on what would have been her one hundredth birthday to celebrate and remember her. We're making a book of her recipes and our memories of her. My contribution is a copy of her whole wheat bread that she wrote out for me. It's so precious to me and I feel ashamed that I haven't made it in years. I think I'll introduce Nora to her great-grandma's bread this weekend.

this nonsense has no place in 2009

sometimes when it seems i cannot bear more, i go looking for trouble. In this case, while my dad was in ICU and I was worrying over him, and Becca, and work was overwhelming, and I was coordinating family, and I was barely seeing my own family, and, and, and... I decided to track down my birth mother and her family. I don't know if I've told this story on here before but I 'found' my birth mother through unusual circumstances well over ten years ago. From that circumstance, I received basic medical and ethnicity information. Unbeknownst to her, I also saw her one time and learned that I come by my badonkadonk behind honestly.
While my dad was in ICU, my one set of aunt and uncle visited daily. Because my dad was out of it, we had some nice, long conversations. We were discussing the effects of adoption upon adults (specifically the identity crisis of ages 17 - 22'ish) and they shared with me some of their experiences with my cousin (also adopted). My aunt then talked about how fascinating it has been to see us adopted kids 'revert' to our birth family ways. She gave some examples with my siblings and her own children. I can't say that the examples were positive in nature. It wasn't until later that night that it occurred to me to question what she thought I was 'reverting' to...

Enter cyberstalking.
And a strange mix of resentment, abandonment, and relief.

My birth mother's daughter (who shares a name with my sister who I named) is in medical school at a highly regarded school. She's president of the American Medical Student Association there and also maintains a 4.0 average. Her son is in graduate school for psychology having already completed his law degree. When he's not busy with his studies, he evidently runs marathons.
I. shit. you. not.
My gut reaction was 'no wonder they didn't want me.' All intellect and reason went out the window and I actually felt injured. I should back up a little here... Before having Nora, I always felt grateful to my birth mother for putting me up for adoption (rather than aborting, I guess.) After having Nora, I felt a bit different. Not about whether or not she should have given me up, but about the circumstances. She had arranged a private adoption that fell through when the couple backed out because I was born with a cleft palate. From there, I was a ward of the state and through God's own grace eventually ended up with my family. After having Nora, I find this unforgivable. Not unforgivable in a way that I'll never get over it, perhaps more unfathomable. And now what to do with this? Well, nothing, I suppose. It just is and will be.
I'll leave you with this gift of a response from my friend, M., to whom confessed my craziness. I surely did get lucky in life...

"You are the greatest gift your family has ever received. That family is stupid and shallow and didn't know anything about anything. Please don't think for a second that they had the capacity to choose or not choose or think about it. Thank God every day for the gift he gave you by giving you the parents you have. For the man that knew that throwing pennies ahead of you would fill your heart with joy. For the sisters who make you laugh from deep inside.
I know this for sure. If you had been raised by that family, I never would have met you. Your family wouldn't have the incredible example of love and loyalty and intellect and humor and beauty that you are to them. God chose a family for you and you for a family.
Your marathons are run on hospital corridors and trips to McDonald's to comfort your sister. Your trips are longer and more rewarding because your water stops are manned by the people who would die for you and for the people who thank god for knowing what was best when he gave you to us. Let those people go baby. They could never be worthy and your being with us makes us feel humble."

and so, in 2009, I will let those people go.

happy happy christmas

i hate 'catch up' posts and feel sorry that Christmas has been relegated to being one. But because this blog has taken the place of all other journaling you'll have to tolerate my babble.

Our holiday was lovely. On the 24th, we visited Joe's family in Pontiac and on Christmas Day we went to my mom's house. Nora had a blast both days playing with her aunties and cousins. I forgot the memory card for the camera on Christmas Eve so I have no photos of the day. Hopefully, family will provide us with our 'memories'. Here is Nora helping me make Chex Mix without the 'mix' part (just how we like it.)

and with her furreal lamb from auntie Y.

the lamb was a toy that I just couldn't live without so I'm glad she likes it, too.

On Christmas morning, she came down and immediately saw her bike and whispered "new bike. new bike. new bike. " When we asked her who brought it she said, "santa!" Too funny because she seemingly hadn't really grasped the concept of santa. She got right on it and later, attempted to put all of her other gifts in the back bucket and rode around the house. I hope that she soon learns to steer...

It was so nice to have Becca home for the holiday. I can't wait until she's here for good. I'm worried that she's battling depression as she just isn't herself lately. I'm hoping that its just part of all of the adjustments she's going through. She and I got pedicures together on Wednesday an while I loved being with her again, I still miss my girl and will get her back.

Joe and I had a $20 limit for each others' gifts. He got me yoga toes and a Barry Manilow CD. We were discussing not enforcing low limits next year... until we stopped and purchased a brand new television/stereo/sound system. We are now the owners of a ridiculously large television. They'll call next week for delivery and installation.

In other news, I somehow sprained my ankle for the first time in my life. On Christmas day, I had pain in my ankle. I limped a bit, but that was it. Around one in the morning, I awoke in excruciating pain. Joe kindly brought the computer to bed so that we could diagnose it ~ as Steph was unavailable. We thought it was gout because I had no swelling or trauma. Personally, I was sure it was gout because gout was the ugliest sounding thing on the list and I figured with my luck... Anyhow, I couldn't drive and didn't want to wake Nora so we waited until morning and went to the doctor. The doctor thought it was odd but believes it is sprained and gave us vicodin and bandages... It's the slowest onset sprain I've ever heard of. In fact, this evening, it is just now swollen... Whatev. I just hope that I'm able to walk soon.

first haircut

its a milestone that we're late to visit, but it teared me up nonetheless. I was surprised at my emotional response ~ I think that it's one of the last baby book moments and that makes me sad. Here she is in the shiny car (I was so glad she didn't pick the cop car)...

Her hair was so long that she had to disembark.

forks. more than a town of vampires.

i had a client meeting the other night. We meet about monthly to review strategies. When I came to the table, she immediately said, Sarah! You've lost so much weight!


Unfortunately, this is not true. The only thing different was that I had my hair pinned up(or forked up, as the case may be.) Worth noting. I guess I should be lazy about my hair more often.

sometimes goodbye's the only way

that's how dante's mom opened the carepages post that broke all of our hearts. please pray for dante and his family. i've mentioned him briefly -- Dante has battled neuroblastoma for almost half of his little life and there is nothing more that can be done. The fucking cancer is back and making that poor little baby hurt. His mom and dad are wishing for one more holiday with their baby boy. It seems like so little to ask of the universe.

pride goeth...

i was just going to record how proud i was of nora because she asked for hummus and broccoli for a snack. We're pretty casual about her food and I just try to offer her good choices and for the less healthful snacks, I try to buy organic, etc. But I don't freak about it. I figure she averages a pretty healthful diet. Anyhow, I was so proud that she requested it...
until she fell down the stairs. Almost. Completely. Down. The. Entire. Open. Wooden. Staircase. She is fine now. I have yet to recover. It was even worse than my imagined child falling down those stairs scenario... and it turns my stomach to think about it. We've debated how much freedom to allow her on the stairs and I'm the one who decided that she could go up and down herself. She normally does so well. My poor baby -- everything moves, she's not lethargic, didn't vomit, and isn't complaining about anything. I gave her some milk and Tylenol and cuddles and cuddles. I feel so guilty. And then I feel even more guilty because I've turned her accident into my issue. I see therapy in her future.

post secrets

do you read postsecrets? I love them and just got the newest book this week. I enjoy seeing the commonness of being human. I thought I'd blog my own secrets, but now that I'm here, they take my breath away. I didn't realize how powerful they were until I came here. I think I might submit a few of my own to the book in an attempt to take away their power. It's not that nobody knows them so why are they so powerful? I'm going to work on writing the worst ones out for myself and see how that feels and then move on from there...
Everyone has secrets, right? Are they all powerful?

happy birthday, dad. thank you, world.

today is my dad's 65th birthday. And he was moved out of ICU! I couldn't ask for more. Thank you to each of you praying for us, thinking of us, and supporting us. I feel so completely blessed. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

what it's like

i’m sitting in icu with my dad. He’s ‘napping’ (as much as one can in the ICU) and I have my laptop with me so the time will pass a bit easier for me today. If I can stop studying his screens, I just might get some work done. That would ease my guilt about work some. My dad looks so much better. It’s really an incredible difference from Saturday when we thought we were going to lose him. He has color, jokes around a bit, and even eats some. His body isn’t expelling CO2 properly and when it builds up, it basically poisons him. He’s on a bipap machine helps take the CO2 out of his system and when he starts to become ‘benout’ (I’ve no clue how to spell that) as he and my mom call it, the bipap seems to really do the trick. My dad is agitated and confused in between being his old joking self. He removes tubes, IV’s, and monitors at will. They had to add a bed alarm because he got up in the middle of the night and started messing with things. I think he hears the beeping and tries to fix whatever he hears. When he’s not doing well, that’s where it gets terrifying. Some of the confusion talk is frightening when I wonder if some sort of permanent damage has been done. What’s scarier is when he desats. He seems to be fine and then suddenly, his blood oxygen levels plummet. His color fades and he starts to shake and it’s just simply unbelievable to me while it’s happening. Yelling his name, waking him, shaking him a bit all seem to correct the problem and then his numbers will shoot right back up to the 90’s. It’s just so frightening and unbelievable and unfair and wrong. And here’s what I really want to get down on paper. I’ve always imagined death as a process. I imagined that my loved one would slowly fade. Perhaps an illness that you never really come back from, a few hospitalizations, all the while slowly transforming into our purest form. I know that some people pass on (a whole other post – what word do you like for dying?) suddenly due to accidents, but still imagined perhaps reduced capabilities, and then reduced consciousness, and then the inevitable goodbye. When my dad was desatting this weekend, he was going from joking and complaining to nonresponsive. He’d be ‘gone-ish’ and then the ventilator gets hooked up and within a couple of hours, he’s right back to being himself asking for the television remote. So instead of this spiritual transformation I’ve imagined, it’s this mechanical battle. When the mechanics aren’t working, does that mean that the soul is ready for transformation? What if it’s not? What if I’m not? Is that all it is?
update: I just had to authorize them to intubate my dad if need be. How can this be happening? I keep telling myself that I’m overreacting and that he’s going to be just fine. Seriously, I’m just overreacting and then he desats and my denial gets tested. No worries. My denial is strong.
My poor little daddy. I just want to cuddle him up.

sarah's dad can do anything

when i was little (and even when i wasn't), my dad would fix the unfixable and find the unfindable. When a seemingly irreparable situation would present itself, he'd look at me and say, "Sarah's dad can do anything." (he also said this to each of my sisters. although, oddly, he would change the saying to their name)

please let this be true.
He's in ICU on a 'non-invasive ventilator' and I just can't bear it. He has several issues going on right now and I would write so much more if I weren't about to fall over from exhaustion.

Please pray for him.

picture perfect

last year i was miserably behind on Christmas cards. I wrote a note to my future self to be on it. Future self was uncooperative. To make amends, I took today off and Nora and I went to get her pictures done for Christmas cards. I've only had professional shots done one other time. It seems that we always get a 'good' shot from somewhere around the milestones and I mark that off in my head as recorded. I was worried about how she'd interact with the photographer but she rocked it.
I couldn't ask for more. Ever.

what will i be when i grow up?

for the longest time, all of my closest friends and i have been brainstorming on the proper career path for me. They'd say, "We just need to figure out how you can be paid for what you already do." "How do we get you paid per problem solved?" and on and on... I do such a strange mix of things for friends and family that I love doing. Financial organization and debt reduction planning, home organization, finding and hooking into existing resources, research, advertising layouts, life event planning, figuring out what to do next... Like I said, a strange little mix. While doing these things, I lose track of time and am so content. Lately, it's been spreading to friends of friends and family. I've now done financial planning (not investment advising, etc) for people I know only through emails. A few weeks ago Y. needed me to coordinate something for her and then stumbled upon a possibly perfect career option. Life Coach.

Try not to judge the woowoo title. I'm struggling with it. Anyhow, I've been spending my time reading and researching and next week, Y and I are going downtown to hear a woman speak about training, certification, and specializations in the field. Although I'm very excited, I feel so hesitant to post it here. Like something might change due to the power of blogger. Or maybe that by exposing my innermost hopes and power I'm trusting the universe more than I usually care to. Good lesson, I suppose.

love is a battlefield

nora has been in timeout for two hours. Two hours of alternating pitiful crying, yelling, playing, talking, moving around... it's killing me. Every two minutes for two hours now I have gone over to sugarfoot and asked her to say I'm sorry so that we can get on with our wonderful day, go to the store, stop time out, go do ANYTHING other than this. And every two minutes, my daughter has eagerly nodded at the get out part and emphatically said no to my request for the 'sorry.' I know she can say it. I know that she understands this process. I know that this is not going to kill her. It's breaking my heart and putting the screws to my Saturday shopping and making chili with my girl. I don't dare give in. I know that it will be a disservice to a little girl who is perfectly capable in all ways of handling herself in this situation. I want her to be strong, confident, good, ordered, smart, free, and loved. I don't want to fail her.

update: 2 hrs 25 minutes:

an attitude of gratitude.

i've always loved those little sayings that you might find hanging in a grade school classroom. Things like 'attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.' Or 'gratitude is an attitude.' Trite or not, they stick with me.

So, its Thanksgiving and I've been working on experiencing prayerful gratitude each day. In light of all of my blessings, I am ashamed of how hard I find it to remember to do this. In thinking of what to list here, I waffle between the big things (family, safety, etc.) and the little things (riding the carousel with Nora today)... For me, the small things are a reflection of how great the big things are. There are no small things without the big things.

Today's list:

~grace and joy

~joe. could i have been any luckier?

~eleanor grace mays. the heart of my heart.

~a loving, involved and open family with whom i enjoy spending any holiday

~living near my best friend

~a church and community that i enjoy being a part of

~a new bed

~a comfortable home

~wonderful friends. beyond belief

~our cats. the neighbors goats and horses and chickens and cow

~the stars last night

~my sisters

~trips to the bookstore and library with nora and joe

~choices. i've been considering new homes, new careers, new futures... what a luxury

a charlie brown thanksgiving

nora, joe and i just watched our first "a charlie brown thanksgiving" together. I couldn't be happier that Nora enjoyed it as much as we did. Joe and I have enjoyed discussing how his favorite character(s) was Charlie Brown/Snoopy while mine were Linus/Lucy... the present-day parallels are amusing. Now we're left wondering... How did we miss out on "The Mayflower Voyagers"? Did they not play it during our childhood? Is any of it historically accurate? We're so confused over here...

naps: mine

yesterday joe and i both woke up with aching backs and necks and were finally done with our old hand-me-down bed. We went after church and bought a new bed and pillows and now they're all clean and fluffy and waiting for me. It's only 9, but I just can't wait any longer. G'night!

naps: hers

this is how we found nora when she woke up from her nap yesterday. When we asked her where her clothes was, she informed us that it was "scratchy."

oh the irony

the 'front' of her shirt says, "My Dad Rocks"

Appropriate as he dressed her that day.

blessings beyond blessings

i sneeze in my upstairs office

from downstairs, "Bless you, Mama!"

"thank you, baby."

"A Welcome, Mama!"

prop 8 comedy

backstory: recently, i 'friended' former classmates on facebook. While this is something that most normal people do on facebook, it was an action that I considered for sometime. One, because that's how I roll, and two, because I never quite fit in at the small private school. So, while all was friendly in school, I've maintained contact with my close friends and it's not like I missed anyone. Long story longer, one guy who I barely remembered immediately started jumping on my 'facebook' politics. I chose to ignore most of the comments. But then after the election, he emailed me a genuine inquiry about my views on gay marriage. It seems that he knows nobody else from our 'similar religious upbringing' that shares my views and he's curious regarding what I believe.
Bait...
Hook...
...and i bit like an inbred piranha.
So, here's the letter (crazy diatribe?) this poor dude is getting in response.


Hi, Scott,
I finally had a free moment to put my thoughts on gay marriage on ‘paper.’ For me, there are two separate parts of the argument: 1) Civil Rights and Government and, 2) Biblical Teachings and Religious Beliefs. I’ll try to explain my views as laconically as possible. I must admit that I feel some reservation about engaging in the discussion due to past experience dealing with similar differing views. I hope that you prove my fears unfounded. I also hope you forgive what I’m sure is going to turn into a WAY TOO LONG explanation… Here goes:

1. “No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”
   By denying marital rights to some citizens, we deny them medical, financial, legal, tax, property, familial, custodial, etc. etc. etc. rights. When viewing marriage as a civil union recognized by the government and given certain benefits by the government, I have real trouble understanding how a country that separates church and state in all other avenues denies any citizen this civil right. Whether or not any church wants to marry a couple or acknowledge the union, is a completely separate issue for me.
   A homosexual couple does not realize equal protection of the laws when denied the following (short sample) examples of rights given to married couples in the United States: Inheritance Tax Exemptions, Head of Household Tax Advantages, Shared Social Security Benefits, Insurance Benefits, Leave Time Benefits, Child Custody and Visitation Rights, Medical Decisions, End of Life Decisions, and Immigration Rights. I believe there are over one thousand big and little ‘rights’ that are given to legally married citizens of the United States.


2. In regards to the sanctity of marriage argument, many things violate the sanctity of marriage; yet, we do not limit a person’s right to remarry any number of times. Scott Peterson murdered his wife and unborn child, yet has the right to remarry. Britney Spears married a friend for hours, yet has (exercised) the right to remarry. Any numbers of people have committed adultery and/or abuse (in all forms) yet they retain the right to marry (sometimes 6, 7, 8, or 9 times). In order to get married, the State does not require proof of love, intent to procreate, or monogamy. Likewise, the State does not require any citizen to marry in the case of love, commitment or procreation. Many religions do have rules on such issues. These rules differ from religion to religion and even church to church within an organized religion. They have no bearing on the legal right to marry.


3. “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” Thank God that we live everyday under his immeasurable grace. Christ freed us, while we are still sinning, from the law that we could never fulfill. I’ll list the verses that I’ve heard commonly used to discuss the issue of homosexuality.
   a. Genesis 1:28, KJV "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."
   i. We are not required to ‘be fruitful and multiply’ – at least, I don’t believe we are. Additionally, creating a man and woman makes sense in order to populate the planet. I don’t believe it was a judgment upon homosexuality.
   b. Genesis 19, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah
   i. I believe that the condemnation of the four cities was caused by repeated actions offensive to God. In reference to specific homosexual acts, the abhorrent act is homosexual rape, not relationship. If only they had found it just as abhorrent to rape women and girls – perhaps Lot would not have offered his own daughters.
   c. Leviticus 18:22, KJV “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination”
   i. Using this verse as God’s law for us today, while ignoring its neighbors is simply hypocritical and wrong. Other abominable activities from the same chapter include sexual activity with a menstruating woman. When considering the verse in the context of other chapters, it is a part of God’s orders for His people to separate themselves from any Pagan idolatrous behaviors.
   d. Leviticus 20:13, KJV “If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them.
   i. There are a number of transgressions in the Old Testament which require immediate capital punishment. They include gathering sticks on the Sabbath (Numbers 15). Again I believe these verses apply to God setting his people, the Israelites, apart from Pagan temple rituals (which included homosexual prostitution).
   e. Deuteronomy 23:17, KJV “There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel.”
   i. From the same chapter, “A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord.” And more, “He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord.” These are laws of the Israelites that we do not consider applicable to the church today.
   ii. Additionally, the word “qadesh” is more often translated to mean a cult/temple prostitute.
   f. Judges 19, the story of a Levite visiting Gibeah and being welcomed by an old farmer. A gang of men appear and demand the visitor in order to rape him. The farmer instead offers his own virgin daughter or the visitor’s concubine. The gang takes the concubine and repeatedly rapes and abuses her. She makes it back to the home where she collapses dead. i. Seriously?
   g. I and II Kings, KJV, several verses
   i. Again, the word “qadesh” which is more commonly translated as cult/temple prostitute. The verses condemn temple prostitution.
   h. Romans 1: 26-27, KJV “For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet.”
   i. This is Paul’s letter to all Christians living in Rome and therefore exposed and possibly caught up in all sorts of Roman culture, which included worship of Pagan gods, creation of idols, worship of same idols, sexual orgies, and fertility rituals. Paul condemns all of the Pagan rituals and worship.
   ii. Verse 28 – 32, NIV “Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.”
   i. I Corinthians 6: 9-10, KJV “Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.”
   i. My first response is to question who would NOT be on this list?
   ii. The term ‘arsenokoitai’ has been translated as homosexuals; however, no record of the word being used appears before this use. Paul did not use more accepted terms for homosexuality; such as ‘paiderasste.’ Some scholars have translated the term as masturbators, pimps, prostitutes, boy sex slaves, male prostitutes, or abusive pedophiles.
   iii. Verse 11, KJV “And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.”
   j. I Timothy 1:9-10, KJV”Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, For whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine."
   i. “Arsenokoitai” – see above.

There are other verses that I believe show God’s inclusion of his children into His kingdom, but I don’t want to bore you with another page (if we’re lucky). I can’t believe this has become so lengthy and was started by a Facebook comment! LOL.
I look forward to your response.
Sarah

People who you barely know can not have you committed.

Can they?

those colorful balls just might distract a girl

i have all of these balls in the air. I like to ignore anything that doesn't enable the balls to remain in play or at least seems to compromise them in my head. Some of the balls are important. And some of the balls are stupid. My commitment to even the stupid ones is notable. Oftentimes the stupid ones take up way more brain room than they should even know about.

All of this use(ful/less) thinking has been brought to you today because I am sick. Just a bad cold or something. Coughing, aching, fever... Lying in bed too sick to read (!!!!! an alarming sort of sick for me) has given me time to reflect and think. And here's what I've come up with: My antidepressants aren't working. I don't address this because it will mean more frequent doctor appointments or even worse, the possibility of failure. What happens if we increase the dose and I'm still blah? What if that's just what I've become? I'm not sure I'd even recognize the old me. It will mean addressing what I wish would go away. It will mean facing the possibility that my chemistry will never return to pre-abusivemarriageasshole. It will mean considering the effects of antidepressants upon a new baby. Or not. It will mean that I couldn't tough it out until I quit in June. I really suspect that I wouldn't need all of these chemicals if I didn't hate. my. job. every. day.

So I need to call the doctor. I'm hoping to convince her that I should increase the dose now as I already cut the tablets. I have an appointment with her in a few weeks. Between her schedule and mine, I can't imagine finding a time before my next appointment.

Blah.

at least i know i'm free

today was our veteran's appreciation ceremony and brunch at church. It was a beautiful and moving service followed by a delicious brunch and poignant speeches. The coordinators and volunteers succeeded in creating a gracious and formal event which I was proud to be a part of. They invited all families of active service members in the community and had more than a full house of respondents. My parents were invited and we were included with them because of my brother and sister. They were presented with the Service Flag which is to be displayed in homes with immediate family in the armed services during war time. The tradition started in 1917 and then gained popularity during WWII. Regardless of my (or any one's) views about the current war, I felt privileged to honor and show gratitude to the service members and their families.

girls' night

girls' night at m.'s was a hit. Y. and I rolled in around 4 am still full of conversation and laughter. I seriously do not know the last time I was up that late (early?) without a baby as the impetus for my awakening. What amazes me even more is that I still got up to go out to breakfast and church with Joe and Nora because I missed them. Obviously great conversation with great women needs to become part of my regular life because it energized me body, mind, and soul. Some observations:

1. In that room of about 13 women, we had an insurance exec, banking execs, an attorney, social workers, a writer, an animal control officer, teachers, a massage therapist, an art therapist... I can't think of the others. Many of these women are also mothers, volunteers, and athletes. When M. and I talked later about it, she said that in any type of emergency, she'd LOVE to be in that room with those people. That combination of commitment, intelligence, openness, kindness, and passion... I'd have to wholeheartedly agree.


2. That said, another thing that sticks with me is that each of these women carries their own insecurities, sorrows, and secrets. As we talked into the night, some of them presented themselves and some of them I already know. My lesson in this is to battle negative internal dialogue -- for even the best and brightest struggle with the same. Thinking something- anything - does not make it true.


3. To quote my newest necklace, I am "good enough right now."

please pray for dante

Dante is a gorgeous little boy from Nora's playgroup who needs your prayers. Alina said it best.

toddler bmi

just a quick note from our visit to our new doctor on wednesday. Nora was having generalized allergic symptoms (welts coming and going, runny nose and eyes, a little cough) so I made an appointment with the new doctor I had chosen after our last disappointment with our old doctor. We went in and it went wonderfully. I hate the longer drive, but am sure its the right decision for us right now. Really, I just wanted to record her weight and such from the appointment. This office gives us a printout with weight, height, BMI, and corresponding percentages. I now know where the other mamas were getting this information so readily. :P Nora was 29 pounds (with clothing and diaper) and 34.3 inches. This would be a good 3-4 pounds more than her last visit to the specialist -- so one of them must be wrong. Whatev. She's perfect is what.

letting it sink in

i've been in a protective state of disbelief for a day now. The news is so good that I don't even trust it. On election day, I was assigned to go walk door-to-door in a nearby community and talk to specific registered Democrat voters and remind them to vote, offer a ride, discuss issues, etc. I was disappointed in my assignment because it is a primarily 'red' town and I'd be alone rather than working with a team of excited supporters. The open glares from neighboring homes with McCain signs were uncomfortable. Being ignored at the door when I could hear the television was embarrassing. But one woman, Anna H., made it all worth it. She was an Obama supporter who had decided not to vote because of abortion. I expressed my views to her and encouraged her to go vote for someone -- anyone. I just hated to see someone miss the opportunity. After talking, she said that she was going to go vote right away. It was nice to 'matter.' I saw her later leave and I hope she made it to the polls to vote.
A friend of a friend and staunch Republican called her yesterday and told her that she and her husband had woken up with stomachaches because Obama had won. Part of me wants to say, "Now you know how we felt!" but a bigger part of me just feels sad about it all. I'm sad that what is hopeful and exciting and a victory for me is a blow to others. Jon Stewart explained the complicated feeling laconically (or maybe not) last night, "For the first time since I can remember, and this includes the Clintons, somebody is speaking in a manner that matches my sensory perception. In other words, for the past eight years... and even further back than that, I would walk outside and go, "Oh! It's sixty degrees, there's a light breeze... I could wear a light jacket. It's a lovely day." And then, I'd turn on the... Fox network [Chris Wallace was his guest] and they'd go, "It's snowing!!!!" And I'd think, "Wow. That doesn't match my perception of reality." This guy [Obama] speaks, I recognize him as human. He wears his frailty on his [motions arms]... Don't you think? Isn't it exciting?"

and another election sidenote... I told Nora that I was going to go work for Obama that afternoon and that in the evening, Daddy, Nora and Mommy would go vote for him. She said, "I help Barack Obama! I hold his hand."

maybe there is an american dream

and i'm so grateful.

some kind of wonderful

cake courtesy of Joe, Nora, and Nisey

i am blessed.

Reforming Halloween

I grew up in a Dutch Reformed church. For those of you unfamiliar with these particular leanings, they rely heavily on John Calvin, Old Testament God, Guilt, and Xenophobia. While my parents never had issue with Halloween, we definitely kept it on the DL as it was not a Godly thing to celebrate. Many people pride themselves on not participating in such wickedness. Instead, they might celebrate Reformation Day . While admirable and certainly celebrated with the best of intentions, its not nearly as fun. When I reflect upon it as an adult, I'm not even sure its something to celebrate as it marks a huge division among people who all consider themselves "Christian." So, under the cloak of furtive shame, most of us still celebrated Halloween in some form. Interestingly, this is also how most of them drink alcohol or any other number of 'fun' things. Y. and I are trying to shake that cloak right off and making happy memories for our children and ourselves. We're shedding the cloak of shame and donning silly hats and scarves and makeup. Tonight, we'll all go trick or treating and then have a fun dinner at my mom's house.

Pictures to follow.

maybe the seven year old shouldn't be in charge of the camera?

first annual harvestoween

y. and i have talked about having a friends holiday since college. We'd brazenly declare that our families didn't own Thanksgiving and that we should make it for friends like some scene out of movie. Our courage lasted only through our conversations and certainly never tread near the holy ground of the actual holiday or telling our families. Good thing.
This year, we did it (well Y. did most of it.) We had our first annual Harvestoween party the Saturday before Halloween and it was a blast. Apple bobbing, horses, hayrides, pumpkin painting, chickens, cats, ducks, laughter, and plenty of food and drinks. I think the adults had as much fun as the children! My notes for next year are to micromanage the potluck aspect of it a little more, get invites out even earlier, and take more pictures... I think that's IT. Not bad for our first run.

its so good i only dare whisper it

she's being medically discharged in three months. Becca is coming home.