chair evolution

that's playdough

bee bee bee fwower fwower fwower

this afternoon, nora and i swam together for an hour and a half. I think at least a half hour of that heavenly time was spent leaning over the pool edge watching a bumblebee 'smell' all of the clover. She'd say 'bee, bee, bee!' 'fwower, fwower, fwower!' We also waved bye bye to every car, van, truck, coobah (schoolbus), and plane that crossed our path.
Nora wanted to go underwater more than her usual. She'd tell me to 'let go' and i would and she'd go under and just look up at me. The first time I waited as long as I could bear it to see if she'd kick or something... I pulled her up, she took a good breath and then clapped and laughed. This was not the response I was expecting. She immediately wanted to do it again so I obliged but after that I distracted her with jumping games that allowed her a little underwater play. She wore her swimming ring and broke out some awesome spinning moves that maneuver her all over the pool. I'll have to video them because they totally crack me up. To further my concerns about her lack of fear, she would put on two rings, then wiggle out of one of them, and then occasionally almost take the other one off. I try to not react too much because I've learned that she digs my hyper reactions. I just casually say, you don't know how to swim yet and look away. Thus far, it's been enough. Truth be told, I love the water and I'd rather she'd be a daredevil in the water than fearful. If I don't have a coronary first, she and I are headed for tons of swimming fun.

welcome home

tonight joe returns from his bidness trip. It will be so nice to have him home again. His help with the house, Nora, e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. is invaluable. That said, I have some observations from this trip:

• I enjoyed that time after Nora has gone to bed and I have showered and picked up immensely. Having someone around, even a very kind, helpful, and handsome someone is different than just owning your own brain. This free brain is probably only enjoyable knowing that help is on its way, but still... it's notable.


• I also really enjoyed going to my parents' home on a weekday night. I suppose it wouldn't be as fun if the girls were in school instead of on summer vaca. But it was fun and something I normally reserve for weekends.


• I need someone around in order to eat properly. I made Nora nutritious meals and even fake ate them with her, but I just didn't have it together.


• I can't wait for this house to be remodeled. There are so many things that would be much more enjoyable and organized if only... Unfortunately, we're waiting on P. to run out of construction gigs before he and his crew tackle casa de mays.

anyhow. I'm so glad he's coming home. Nothing is the same without him.

here's nora on the phone with daddy

yummy softness

thanks to steph and this i am soft and smell like a yummy cake.

i could've totally taken him

here's the dude i was ready to fight last night

which comes first? looking crazy or acting crazy?

http://cbs2chicago.com/local/weber.manhunt.indiana.2.765828.html

i'm such a great aunt

welcome to the world my great nephew. Xavier Robert. born 07/01/2008. 7 lbs, 14 oz. 19 in.

my nonviolent paradox

july evenings around 8 pm are evidently safari hour in the state of indiana. While driving tonight, I had to stop the car for the following: a deer, a family of racoons, a chipmunk, a bird, and a turtle. (well, i only had to swerve for the turtle) The thought of harming any one of these while driving around their homes makes me feel preemptively horrible.

The paradox comes in when I explain why I was out. Becca called me hysterical and when I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I'm SCARED!" She went on to explain that a man with a machine gun came into the truckstop side of the McDonald's she works in. (I've always disagreed with her working at a truckstop, but that's for another day...) She was so upset that I just asked her if she wanted me to come and she did. So, there I was, on my way to Becca. Stopping and swerving to avoid animals. And daydreaming violence upon whomever caused such tears and terror in my baby sister. Machine gun or not, I seriously was ready for some mano a mano.

is it my imagination or have i been dwelling in some almost (but not so) awful vortex?

things i don't want to forget

M. (age 7 and adopted) told Y. out of the blue on their recent roadtrip, "I sometimes wish the lady who gave birth to me named me Gerbil."

pretty cute for a tough shit

Y. had to have a scheduled hysterectomy today. She's always such a tough shit and prides herself on it -- yet has the kindest, most open heart you could stumble upon. Knowing that, I have no explanation for why I obeyed her when she told me not to take the day off and sit a the hospital with D. When her surgery had gone over the estimates by two hours, I could no longer take texting D. back and forth. I hopped in the car and headed on over there. It was nice to sit with him and I'm sorry I didn't keep him company all day. Evidently the mass was much larger than they had estimated (they had estimated a large softball). {how come modern medicine is wrong so often? there were MRI's, ultrasounds, biopsies. you'd think they'd know exactly what they were headed for.}

When she was finally brought up, it was a joyous relief to see her beautiful face. I about shoved her over in the hospital bed so I could climb in and cuddle with her. It reminded me of Steel Magnolias when D. turned on the television while I darkened the room, closed the door, and got extra blankets. As Maya said when she encouraged me to get over there -- this is not the arena of men. They have no idea what to do.

Y. was still in a haze when I had to leave but at one point looked sleepily over and saw me there and gave me the brightest, biggest smile. Like major wattage -- the kind you'd only get from a child or drugged up lady. She's pretty cute for a tough shit.

perfect is where you find it

on fridays, i have half days for 'summer hours'. (i intend to keep them in all seasons, but for now... no need to rock the boat) Normally, Nora and I have lunch together, play a bit, and then she naps and I feel guilty for not doing more than lying around reading. This week, I've attempted to swim with her three days in a row at lunch. Each day, it rained. Today, it was cloudy, but looked promising. I asked that she have her lunch so that we could swim. I came out and she was all ready. Fed, sunscreened, suited up. I brought her in while I got dressed and then the rain came -- AGAIN. This is Indiana, not the subtropics... We sat on the porch talking about the rain. Well, I talked, Nora expressed growing frustration at not swimming. Finally I called my mom to check the rules. She said if I heard no thunder, we could go ahead. Funny, how we implicitly trust moms. Anyhow, we rejoiced and went. The pool was cold. I was in. Nora was not. She gave me some toys and instructions and then, the rain stopped. The sun came out! And Nora told me she wanted to go to bed.

For real.

So, it's sunny outside, I have left over pasta and a book. Not what I planned, but nice nonetheless.

defining our new schedule

Physical Activity (minimum of 60 min per day)
Outdoor

• Shooting Hoops (her term, not mine)
• Working in the Yard (she likes to pick up sticks and throw them)
  Swimming
• Kicking a Ball - Catching a Ball

Indoors OR Out

• Running (she likes to race right now)
• Baby Yoga
• Chase Games
• Pretend to move like different animals, machines, etc.
• Dance
• Follow the Leader (walk different ways, roll, crawl)
• Ring Around the Rosie
• Make Obstacle Courses
• Skipping
• Jumping
• Kicking a Ball - Catching a Ball
• Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes
• Use a Pool Noodle to Play Limbo (slither like a snake under it, crouch like a tiger under it, hop like a bunny over it) (have child jump over it when it comes their way)
• Household Chores (sweeping, mopping, laundry, etc.)
• Toss balls (or anything) into a bucket
• Red Light Green Light (Stop and Go)

Reading

• Scheduled time will be before her afternoon nap every day
• At least 30 Minutes of Structured Reading
• Bored? (Could we really get bored?)
• Have puppets read or act out books
• Use photo albums to tell a story

'Educational' Endeavors

• Build with Blocks
• Sort Items by size, color, use... (pom poms)
• Name letters and numbers (magnets, books, etc.)
• Name colors
• Go Color Shopping (basket room to room collecting items of one color)
• Puzzles
• Observe/collect bugs, plants, rocks, etc. (NOT mama's flowers)
• Flashcards (make them together?)
• Count the Items (how many chairs, etc.)

Creative Play (minimum of 30 min per day)

• Playdough
• Crayons
• Fingerpainting
• Chalk (indoors or out)
• Organized Music Time (using our online class)
• Organized Singing Time
• Feltboard Activities
• Cooking (she loves to make pudding and help with meals)
• Age appropriate 'crafts'
• Fingerplays
• Let her explore textures (shaving cream, flour, rice, cereal, pudding -- clear all of this with mama first)

Unstructured Play (minimum of 60 minutes)

• Any of the above activities by choice
• Kitchen
• Dollhouse
• Yard
• Sandbox
• Build a Tent
• Go to a Playground
• Swim
• Dress Up
• Riding Toys
• Exploring
• Bubbles (outdoors)
• Wash the outdoor toys or babydolls (bucket and soap)
• Anything she and/or you can think of!

I'm sure there's a ton more. This is what I have for now...

active toddlers = active adults

i've read several articles lately underscoring the need for activities in the toddler years for learning, health, and future habits. Because Nora has a care provider who comes in everyday, I'm trying to come up with a system that will work for all of us. I want to ensure a balance of daily activities to include physical development, creativity, 'educational' endeavors, music time and unstructured play. What I'm doing now is compiling a list of ideal amounts of times for each type of activity. I'll then make a list of ideas to help whomever is caring for her each day when they're in a jam. I don't want to be a controlling employer and parent yet I do not want to risk valuable time for Nora to grow up strong. Also, many of these areas of development will obviously overlap. Nonetheless, I need to get it organized somewhere and here seems as good a place as any.

Here is the list I have so far of minimum daily requirements. Where I use 'structured' I mean adult-organized, adult-initiated, and Nora-led.

• Physical Activity - 60 Minutes of Structured Physical/Active Play Daily (2001, Physical Activity for Kids, NYS WIC program) (2003, CA Dept of Public Health)
• Reading - At least one scheduled reading time each day. (2006, http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/learning/reading_toddler.html)
• Reading - At least 30 Minutes of Structured Reading Daily (numerous sources - why am i citing sources for myself?)
• Creative Play - At least 30 Minutes of Structured Creative Play
• Unstructured Play - minimum of 60 minutes daily of free, unstructured play (several hours - even better)

Four days a week, our care provider comes in from 8 am - 4 pm. The math would look like this:

8 total hours {minus} 1.0 hour structured physical play {minus} 0.5 total hour structured creative play {minus} 0.5 hour structured reading {minus} 2.0 hours for napping (around average for the provider -- for mom and dad, it's oddly much less) which {equals} 4.0 hours for eating, dressing, and unstructured play.

On days that we're home with her, we engage in the activities much more than the minimums (and still have time for that whiny Caillou). This is reasonable, isn't it?

do you have anything other than water?

we were awoken at 4:30 am on Sunday morning by the doorbell being pushed repeatedly and loud banging on the door. My first thought was of our safety and my second thought was that this sort of thing could never be good... Joe went to the door while I dashed around getting dressed and trying to sort my thoughts from how to help Joe or running to wake Nora and escaping out of the house. Dramatic, I know. But my mind was racing. We live in a rural area and one does not just come upon our door -- its inconvenient, to say the least.
I could hear Joe talking to another male and Joe sounded not quite right -- I also heard him tell the person that he could not let him in. Joe then came in and told me that there was a young man on the porch who said he had been beaten up and he did not want us to call 911 but wanted to use the phone to call his dad. Joe brought him the phone and came back to discuss the situation. Evidently, the guy looked really bad (which is why Joe sounded off -he's easily queasy) but was insistent on no police or ambulance. Joe said that he thought he had a motorcycle wreck and was drunk. The guy then asked Joe what he looked like and Joe told him that he looked like he had been in a vehicle accident. The guy then changed his story and said that he had been following his girlfriend home and then wrecked and couldn't remember anything but woke up on our lawn... I'm quite sure that this story isn't the truth either, but at least it removed the possibility of a roving gang of fighters coming to finish this guy off. The mom in me wanted to take him in and get him comfortable while the woman in me knew better than to take such risks. Joe offered him water, a blanket, or a cold rag while he waited and he said, "Do you have anything other than water?" Joe offered a Diet Coke, which he accepted. That was when I knew this idiot would be just fine. His father arrived twenty minutes later and fireman carried him to his truck and took him to the hospital. He apologized and thanked us and disturbingly, didn't seem all that alarmed.

which leads me to my actual post. How on earth could one become so accepting of your child's very dangerous behavior? The thought that I might get such a call one day regarding Nora really messed with me. I hope several things for her: 1)Never to drive drunk, 2)Never to ride a motorcycle without a helmet, 3)Never to disregard all things wonderful by risking it all. If hoping doesn't work, I'm afraid I'll have to insist...

i'm in love with a litter box

i have owned at least one of every litter box on the market. Electronic, basic, colorful, hooded, travel... you name it, I've owned it at some point. I've also hated it at some point. Not so with the new Tidy Cat's Breeze. OMG. One step into the upstairs bathroom to feel NO litter on the floor and it had me. It's small size enthralled me and it's good looks were just a bonus. When I then noticed NO odor, I about proposed. Please, please, please let this be the ONE.

I so hope I'm not the only cat owner who has litter box angst...

fingerpainting

loving clarification

nora's 'Love You!' is discernable only by her mother or if she's saying it in response to others' 'Love You!' Here are some words that she says clearly: lawnmower, incredible, where is it?, i did it!, airplane... you get the idea. Interesting, isn't it? :P

I don't care. I'll take what I can get and love it. Every garbled second of it.

love you

tonight we were the very first customers of a new Indian restaurant in town. The Taste of India is beautiful, the service was great, and the food was even better. We're so excited. It's been three years since we've lived near Indian food -- the nearest one was about a 40 minute drive from here, which is about 35 more minutes than I'd like to drive for mediocre food. I'm so excited and glad that the owner has no idea that Joe and I loving a place is the kiss of death. If you're local, please patronize them. please.

more importantly, when we got in the car after dinner, Nora said 'Love You' for the first time! It was so exciting and she said it just like she'd been saying it forever. I'm over the moon.

things i don't want to forget

Y's son, G, went through a phase where he was a total over-tucker. Like for real. Socks pulled up, shirt TUCKED. I guess he was comfy that way. I think he was around 9 or 10 at the time. Anyhow one day G came home from school and was making a snack when he told Y that a kid on the bus had told him that he'd be a lot cooler if he'd just untuck his shirt. Y said, "Oh yeah? What did you say?" G told the kid, "Oh, no thanks. I'm not warm!"

While getting dressed this morning, Nora kept putting the wrong limbs in the wrong holes and then saying "No!" and cracking us both up.

what's eating you

our yard is similar to a vast wilderness in the amount of neglect it received prior to us moving in. In fact, it's worse, because there are these random areas of buried glass (yes, broken glass -- tons of it. I wonder what they were trying to grow.), kingkong size rhubarb, and other random things I don't want. Each year, we stake our claim a little more -- mostly with very low maintenance perennials that we can later split. There are other areas that we will don't ever really want to 'take over', but I'm slowly adding lilies, hostas, phlox, and daisies so that at least I like to look in those directions. Anyhow, there are a few riddles I need to figure out.

Riddle #1: What is eating my hostas? I do not see ANY slugs. There are black ants around and a few flies... My hostas near the wooded areas get eaten by deer and I'm cool with that. This, is different and only in certain areas...

Riddles #2, #3, and #4: What are these 'weeds'? Do I want to try to get rid of them or allow them to continue?

eta possiblities from my google research... #1: garlic mint?, mullein, #2: Dock, poke weed? #3: queen anne's lace, wild carrot - DING DING DING!,

some pics of Nora from this morning

product placements

Mr. Clean Magic Eraser Mop
Do not purchase the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser mop. Theoretically, it seems like a good idea; however, in practice, it doesn't properly squeeze out the excess water. Also, it doesn't 'magic erase' shit. In two words, it sucks. I've had the worst time with mops. Expensive ones, cheap ones, reusable ones... Any recommendations will be appreciated.

Microsoft One Note
Does everyone use this? I want to but can't quite figure out how to shift my thinking and organization methods. Again, any recommendations will be appreciated.

things i don't want to forget

my friend cheri's circle of friends and family is quite diverse. Her husband is from Ireland, she's greek, and many of their friends are from countries all over the world. So, it's quite common to define people by their ethinicity or country of origin, etc. Recently, her ten year old told her quite proudly that the neighbors family is part lesbian.


i'm frustrated with thinking of things i don't want to forget while driving but not in front of the computer

thieving republicans or zealous democrats

somebody stole our Obama yard sign. we live in a red state (RED red -- not a hint of purple) and when we put it up we didn't know what to expect. Up until its kidnapping, the only thing that had happened was a drive-by shouting "Obama sucks!"
So, who has it? A really zealous democrat who just couldn't wait any longer to get a yard sign (they're hard to get)? Or, a thieving republican who opposes Obama so passionately that they were willing to trespass and steal? Either way, I suppose I should be glad that our little sign inspired someone else to participate (however criminally or ineffectively) in the democratic process.

its fabulous

jordan left early saturday morning for youth mission trip to go work with Sudanese refugees who have been re-settled in, of all places, Maine. I miss him so much. It's a little unbelievable how much brainspace a kid who isn't even here takes. Did he get lunch yet? Is he having fun? Did he sleep well? Brush his teeth? Are the other kids being nice to him? On Friday night, we went to church and packed the kids up and then had a small prayer service. the kids were in a circle with the parents in a circle around them and there were candles on a table in the middle. Each of the kids had to light a candle for one of the other kids going on the trip and mention some of their strengths. Later, others joined in and said things like, "I pray for blah blah because blah blah" I was so proud of all of the children and wanted to do it, but really, between how quietly I speak and my lisp, it could be a train wreck. Luckily, my little sister, Johna (age 7), was with us. She got up and went into the circle and lit a candle and said clearly, "I pray for you all to have Jesus with you and be safe on your way to wherever you are going."

Johna spent Friday through Sunday with us. She's been asking to do this for 2 years, so it's really about time I made it happen. She came with a list of things she wanted to do with us (make s'mores, swim, crafts, and eat at that restaurant with red and black and gummy worms and dirt for dessert [TGI Fridays]) We did all of those things and more despite me being quite sick on Saturday which is just testament to what a wonderful father and brother-in-law Joe is. At the restaurant, Johna ordered ribs and while eating them, exclaimed, quite dramatically, "These ribs are FABULOUS!" She then went on to say that the salad was one of the best salads she'd ever had.

When you have siblings this young at my age (not so young), the relationship teeters between sibling and parent. I have adored Johna from the moment I laid eyes on her when she came as a foster child to my parents. I adore her so much that when I became pregnant, I worried that I wouldn't love my own child more than her. I finally decided that it didn't matter. I knew that I had enough love to give and if I loved them the same it would be more than enough. With the hope that Johna never reads this or learns of it, I'm going to tell you that somehow, against all reason, I, assuredly, love Nora more. This weekend I could just feel how it was different without ever deducting from Johna's love 'account.' This is somewhat of an odd relief to me as I worry so much about being good enough for Nora.

things johna said on her weekend visit

"our old van was making noises like a cat, so we gave it to Karen" (my parents gave their old van to a neighbor who needed it when then replaced it due to some strange sounds that their mechanic said were ominous warnings of doom. I've heard my mom say that it's 'purred like a kitten' since giving it away)

i'll add as i remember. and i do hope i remember...

another one...
we were looking for something to watch on television and i was reading from the guide. I said, 'oh look here! there's a show about a baby who was born with EIGHT limbs' Johna said, "I bet everyone is really really nice to her."

singing lame songs and feelin the breeze

tonight i had to run to the grocery and dq to get the requested desserts for Fathers' Day tomorrow. Whenever I have to run out at night for a quick something sans nora, joe, or even someone on the phone, it makes me feel young (tired, normally, but still young.) Singing to the radio, feeling free... it reminds me of late runs to Phar-mor (do Phar-mor's exist anymore?) to buy nail polish or a new conditioner... anyhow, it's silly but as I was just driving home from Jewel with Chicago's "Hard to Say I'm Sorry" playing on my lame radio station it was a moment of wonderful.

special delivery

why am i on this tightrope when i meant to be a lion tamer?

i'm struggling again to find balance. I keep trying to change how I track my 'things to do', my expectations, my goals, and my perspective... but I just haven't stumbled upon the proper mix. I use a Franklin Covey paper planner for daily things and appointments and then I have two legal pads -- one for work and one for home. Everything gets put on the legal pad regardless of priority and then each morning, I choose one or two priority items off of each pad to accomplish. Anything else is gravy. This is workable but I'm not coming away feeling accomplished or, minimally, not terribly stressed. Each morning and evening are dedicated to Nora -- which leaves late night to me. In this time, I need to balance spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual, and creative endeavors. how do other people do everything they appear to do? is there a magic formula? and if there isn't, how can i learn to let it all go and be okay?

fathers day video

thanks to steph for the idea and jess for the shots. its long ~ you are not expected to watch it. There will be no test.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

don't want nothin to do with no lamb-proof heart

my heart is guarded against a litany of fuzzy, precious things. Its not that I intentionally build these little heart fortresses -- its just that I desire survival.

• Kittens (grow into cats, get killed on the side of roads, can't take them all home)
• Poverty (desensitization combined with crushing feeling of futility)
• Puppies (see kittens, plus add are a lot of work)
• Other people's babies (can't take them home)
• Fawns (see kittens)
• War (see poverty, plus add nightmares)
• Chicken Soup for the Soul Books (please.)
• Piglets (see puppies, plus add that people eat them)
• Any and all knickknacks or tschockes that show no remorse or, at least, irony.
• Most tearjerker movies (manipulation)
• Survival stories (ummm, don't climb mountains)

It's not that I don't recognize the value or emotion of said things, it's just that I can't afford to give them any of my valuable emotions.

But lambs! Oh, LAMBS! They make my heart sing. If this had sound, you'd hear me joyfully giggling at the thought of them. They make me want to cuddle and run and laugh and jump and volunteer. Lambs. I love 'em.

what does whale poop look like?

we read Everyone Poops three times a day minimally. Each run through, I tell Nora that we need to look up what whale poop looks like. It's nothing like I imagined.

i see you

baby tylenol and tampons

i could write a whole bunch, but my current grocery list kind of sums it all up

car wreck

today i wrecked my car. i pulled out from a stop sign and never saw the truck that hit me. it was the strangest experience. Fortunately, no one was hurt and Nora was not even with me. Unfortunately, my car was undrivable and I'm incredibly sore. I was on my way to meet Yeenie for lunch and instead she came and picked me up. It was like coming home to see her pull up and smile and quickly blame the other dude. Joe was nice enough to come home and take care of the body shop and a rental and then pick me up from lunch. I'm confounded at never seeing that truck. I just need a small break.

aunt wilma

my great aunt wilma was in the army when she was young, divorced in the 40's, lived independently, voted democratically, set an example, drove well into her nineties, and loved fully. Today, she made her transition. How I wish she could tell us about it. Here are the best things I learned from her:


1) you can go to church without being sucked in by the bullshit. One year, right when I needed it, she gave me the book "Quitting Church without Quitting God"

2) you can hold completely different views and live them out without arguing with others

3) you should love, work, and laugh fully
4) serve others and give with a free and fully heart


I know she wouldn't believe in such nonsense as haunting; so I brazenly post the only picture of her that I can find, however unflattering. She is on the left with my Aunt Lois in the middle and my mom on the right.

a subway has never smelled so good

tomorrow night is a spaghetti supper for the youth group's mission trip. They're going t Maine to work with newly settled Sudanese refugees in June. Each family was asked to provide a stockpot of sauce for the dinner. I've been working all evening on a new recipe for it (in hindsight, maybe new recipes are not really for church dinners...). Jordan came in the kitchen before going to bed and said, "It smells like Subway in here!" I was like, "Is that a good thing?" and he excitedly replied, "Yes!" as if I should have known. I'm so happy he's liking it. It does smell delicious. I'm just hoping that at least some of the ton of wine in it cooks off soon. Jesus totally dug wine, right?

weekends

i love the weekends. this weekend, Joe had to work both days, so we missed him while he was gone, but still got everything done. In fact, we got a TON done. Joe and Jordan power cleaned the old deck and I shopped and cleaned. All in all, a good weekend. It sure made me appreciate Joe and all that he does. Things are just so much easier and more fun with him around. Here are the boys working

our little mvp

a girl needs her tools

yesterday i had a half day and wanted to be sure that i didn't 'waste' it by cleaning or whatever. So, Nora and I put her sandbox together. And we rocked it -- even though I had to constantly beg her to return the tools I needed. In the end, we ended up making her own tool bag with real tools as she would NOT be placated with play tools. She worked so hard and diligently. Taking ALL the pieces out of the box, paging through instructions, moving everything around the yard. You really couldn't ask for a better helper. Here's our project:

it got me thinking

the post about being fat has led me to some earth shattering news. Well, it's only earth shattering to me I bet, but still. This morning while perusing my workout dvd's for no reason at all, it occurred to me that if, in 35 years, I have not made working out part of my routine at ANY time, probably it's not for me. What a huge fucking relief. NOT. FOR. ME. Imagine what I might be able to do now that I'm freed from the daily guilt of not doing it. For starters, I'm giving all that shit away. Now that I've released the farce of working out (farcical only for me), I can focus on being active in ways that I enjoy. Playing bball after dinner, weeding, *shifting eyes* hanging out on line...

some of the things i love about my sugarfoot

• how she knows exactly what she wants
• the baby curls in her hair
• her love of moving heavy things all by herself
• how sweet she is with her babies
• how she lets me kiss and kiss and kiss on her. I hope she never stops.
• her love of her aunties
• her love of baths
• how she eats veggies so well
• her crooked little foot
• how she already knows to play quietly near bedtime hoping we won't notice the time
• how she cleans up her toys so nicely
• how she scrunches up her whole face to smell flowers
• how she pats my back while i'm holding her
• how she is somehow already funny
• how she helps set the table each night
• how she helps cook dinner -- the whole while eating whatever I've given her to 'work' on
• how, from whatever age she first looked at books, she has always had strong preferences
• how she never forgets
• how she loves her grandparents
• how her kisses are SO genuine. they're never just handed out
• how she loves to run away and can't wait for you to chase her
• how she stands and points to the floor and signs please (if we're lucky) to make us stand up and then gives us our next order
• how brave she is (or crazy) slides, trampolines, stairs are all no match for her
• how she says "Hmmmmmmmmmmm" when we open the pantry while she selects something to eat
• how she high-fives and then knuckles
• how happy she is to see us (Joe says almost as happy as we are to see her)
• how she 'hides' things and then looks at me and says "Where'd it go?" quite seriously
• the way she prefers to snack in her bath
• the way she lies down all the way on the ground after falling slightly. i hope she doesn't become THAT kid in PE class.
• the way she deadpans some people

Of course there's a million more reasons. I already feel guilty for whatever I've left off.

whoa. who's that?

the weird thing about being fat after not being fat is the shock that i experience upon certain mirror encounters and/or photo angles. I just had a mirror encounter and the exaggerated double take it caused me to make made me laugh out loud. Also, there are people who only know me fat which is weird in my head. Like wouldn't they be surprised to find out that I'm not fat in my head? Its not that I was ever a 'thin' person, I guess. I always wore around a size 10 and even then, I felt so fat. I never imagined I'd be this heavy. Never.

Here's what I know. I don't want to spend my life worrying about something that essentially only adds up to what size coffin/urn I'll need. fo sho I won't care then.

things i don't want to forget

Mom's favorite song is "The King of Love My Shepherd Is"

seeing Joe for the first time. he looked so cool.

When Becca was 2 yrs old, how she would say, "waasthat?" to EVERYTHING and how I loved answering

Gordon telling Yeen when she was pushing him to do little league or soccer, "Mom, I can't even sit indian style!"

things i don't want to forget

There are so many things bouncing around my head that I feel sure I'd never forget. However, I know for a fact that I've already forgotten some of the unforgettables. I'm going to start writing them out here without regard for chronology or importance.

Johna (age 3 or 4)
Johna and I were lying on Becca's bed cuddling and talking. She very seriously told me that Johna, Sarah, and Mommy were all princesses. "Mommy a princess. Johna a princess. You a princess!" She then remembered Joe and said, "Joe! Her a princess... no... her a QUEEN!" I laughed and encouraged her saying, "That's right, baby. Joe's a queen." I asked her about Daddy. And she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "Daddy? DADDY? Her GOD!"

alluring voicemails

My friend, Maya, leaves the best voicemail messages. I'm pretty well known for not returning calls, but she knows just how to pique my interest. This morning's message: "Please, please, please... whenever we talk, we MUST discuss Barack Obama, his "religion" (the quotes are inferred from her tone), and West Virginians. This is imperative. Love you."

I'm going to start keeping her messages bc they always make me happy.

if i wasn't already taken,

i'd marry these freeze pops.

anesthesia

Yesterday I did the most essential things for work and then retired to bed. I had been feeling dizzy and sick. I slept all day and night with the exception of playing with Nora for a bit and eating dinner. I always second guess whether I'm dealing with a physical ailment or some side effect of depression or a not-so-sophisticated avoidance technique. In the end, I suppose it doesn't matter. I feel a little shaky today but tons better.


Here's a picture of what Nora was doing when I thought she was watching cars out the window. Please note her blow your nose face.

democratic primary

clinton won indiana by some 23,000 votes. Disappointing, but not a defeat, as I know that the republicans (a'la operation chaos -- what a shameful movement) showed up to vote for her. All morning I've been considering whether I would do the same thing if the parties had been switched. It's legal to vote in the other party's primary and to vote for a candidate you think your party can beat, but it seems unethical and is, without a doubt, crummy behavior. I'd like to think that I wouldn't go to the polls simply to cancel out the votes of others. Wasting the time, efforts and funds of your opponents and their supporters seems less than democratic to me. Disenfranchised? yep. Bitter? Hell yes.

we won't need to go to maury after all

nora had chex mix for the first time tonight. she loved it so much she might have to marry it.

i love chex mix, too, but only eat the 'chex' part of it -- luckily for me, joe likes the rest of it so I don't have to waste. when she brought me this dish, said 'all done' and asked for 'more', i fell in love with her even more, if its possible.

she's so my girl.

hey, mama, you're rocking

I think I'm always hoping that somebody else will notice my good 'deeds' while I catalogue each and every shortfall. I should just get on my own team. For instance, this week quarterly reports were due for 90 clients, joe is out of town, jordan has football everyday, nora is teething, and I have my period. Additionally, we visited the in-laws, my dad is still very sick, carla's baby shower is on Sunday, I've actually fit in some overdue phone calls to friends. All of this and the house is clean, laundry is done, Jordan made the honor roll, and we have food in the fridge & reasonably healthy meals. Last night, Jordan requested McD's for dinner. He's never requested this before and even cutely suggested that we had both had long days and shouldn't have to cook. LOL. So, Nora had her first ever happy meal. And she seemed to like it. And I was feeling guilty about it. But seriously. I'm going to go ahead and join my own team. A job reasonably well done.

sometimes its good, sometimes its shit & sometimes, it just is.

The Fruits of Our Labor...

this weekend joe & i did an amazing amount of work in the yard. We planted 40 bushes, 10 native day lilies, 5 painted daisies, a couple peonies, and some random bulbs and plants that we no longer can identify. We also thinned out the hostas and planted them around each of the trees in the main yard. We were so pleased with ourselves that we called around to nurseries to see if they could deliver a truckload of mulch that afternoon. They could and just needed to know what kind of mulch we wanted. I said the cheapest, natural, no dye mulch. Simple right?
Well, it is. Its quite simple. We simply have a big ol' pile of smelly mulch now... Evidently one should not select the cheapest, natural, no dye mulch. Especially when ordering a truckload. And here we were so pleased with our efficiency... Oh, well. In smaller quantities it doesn't smell so much and it does look lovely around the trees, bushes, and anything else I could think to put it around. I have a feeling that this may be much better for my weeds than I intended.

anyhow, it was a lovely weekend and now Joe is out of town for the week. we miss him so much. Nora just started calling him Papa right before he left and about broke his heart with her cuteness.

edit to update: it's snowing?!?!?! now that really is some shit.

edited again: to add picture showing some of our work and a whole bunch of dandelions :P

Lucky Charms List

Now that I have the list your self book, I don't even look at it. Today, I opened up to:

List your lucky charms.

1. Grandma's pearl ring
2. Red shell ring that matches Yeenie's
3. Grandma's beads
4. Kenyan Sandals
5. Joe
6. Nora
7. and cute undies.

pms

the things that sound good to me right now: mcdonalds, warm sun, magazines, and naps. it's gotta be pms, right? that, or i'm about to become a fat(ter) homeless lady...

Who's zoomin who

I feel guilty about how much she heals my soul. Grief and worry don't stand a chance against her light. I had today off and we went to the library and then to Grandma and Grandpa's house so that she could play and I could meet with insurance reps for my dad. She was a gem. Just spending the day unhurriedly with her calms me and gives me peace. Quitting (for real -- I mean, bdsatan HAS to let me quit sometime) is the best idea ever.

I struggled to hold back my tears as he slowly chipped away at any and all hopes that we, as a family, had held dearly to. But then it occurred to me that if you couldn't openly cry when being told that nothing could be done to save your dad's life or, in the very least, make his remaining time better, then the whole world is crazy. So I cried. I cried until my eyes were puffy and I had that ugly look.

And then we went out to lunch.

oh, poop.

This morning I finally had the appointment for Nora and her pooping issues. The doctor really thinks its behavioral but can't really explain why it would be something that has bothered her from birth but is caused by nothing. We had to go to the hospital for a blood draw to rule out celiac disease (crossing everything that it's not). The blood draw was horrible. Poor Nora and poor me. Celiac disease would require a gluten free diet, so I guess if I had to vote on it, I'd pick unknown cause that she outgrows... Ugh. I was so hoping that there would be an answer today and that we could get rid of the miserable pain. We both need to curl up for a nap after our morning... just another reason to quit my job.

unquitted

so i did it. I sent my resignation letter this morning and by 11, bdsatan had unquitted me. In order to 'protect' myself, we need to create an exit strategy. The division would have to be shut down without me at the helm, although he's not quite sure 'what I do'... (he repeatedly said that I had to be here, but then insinuated that I don't do much) He also offered a really big bonus and payoff for doing it this way. While money has very little to do with why I'm leaving, it certainly doesn't hurt in getting me to stay longer... Today, I'll email him my requirements for the exit strategy and we'll go from there.

i. did. it.

just seeing how it feels...

forgive me. I'm just trying this out for size...

I quit my job. I quit. I quit. I quit. When I attempt to evaluate what I would need to renegotiate a partnership package, there are so many obstacles that it is obviously not the choice for me. The constant stress, dishonesty, and overtime just aren't worth it.

how will we make it?

what will I do?

how many straws did it take?

between my dad's illness, my sister living 'independently', audits, court dates, spousal business trips, 'foster' parenting, volunteer work, ubiquitous work-related stress, a lack of time, an extreme lack of sleep, and just life in general, I'm pretty sure I'm about to break. It think the funniest (funny meaning like madhouse laughter funny, not soul repairing giggles) part of it all is that we don't get to break. Gone are the days of trips to the hospital for nerves, season long trips to Europe to find yourself, or spinster sisters moving in and taking over for a bit. Shit, there isn't even 15 minutes of peace in the car between the radio, the phone, and my own thoughts. In the spirit of preserving Nora's mama, I sent an email to work at noon saying I'd be taking a half day and shut all of the equipment off. I returned a few things, bought a few things, and got a quick pedicure and I'm back to work before the work day is even over.
Note to self: two hours can make a big difference. Stop whining and get driving.

rate your pain

on a scale from 1 to 10...

Jordan leaving 8

Dad sick 9

Audit 6

Bdsatan 8

Yes We Can

Today our local Obama campaign offices opened. And thanks to Jordan, we attended. Last night when I proposed going he was not only not interested but showed great apathy towards the whole system. I laughed so hard because I knew we HAD to go.

All four of us attended and it was incredible. The speakers were inspirational and it felt great to be a hands on part of democracy. After the initial celebration, we were teamed up with another supporter to go register voters and hand out pamphlets. We registered four voters (I know it sounds like not many, but most people said they were registered. I imagine it's neighborhood by neighborhood) and spoke with many, many others. The kid we were teamed with was a high school senior and was so impressive in his hard work and attitude. We weren't given a lot of direction and of course, private businesses didn't want us around them... I am looking into what the rules actually are and how we can do it better. We stayed until the afternoon when Nora finally gave into exhaustion. Democracy is hard work! (thanks, Kimberly for fixing up our picture!)

boring updates

I hate how when I journal in any format, it ends up being so dramatic. I write about the hysteria and then when it inevitably calms, I leave it be. If one were to know me through the blog only... Lord help me. I swear I'm a normal, old boring soul. In an effort to stem this dramatic tide, here are my updates (boring as they may be):
Dad got his blood gas test done two days ago. Great, right? It would be if a doctor could be bothered to actually look at it. The good part is that Dad has been really sounding and looking better. His color has returned which I think was the most frightening part for me. (His illness IS all about me, right?)
Joe and Jordan both came home last night. It's so nice having them both back. I made them a nice welcome the carnivores home roast which they both really appreciated.
We're planning a shower for my neice. Which is a bit awkward.
My mammogram came back normal.
Blah, blah, blah. This supports never posting about the everyday boring ever again.

counting my blessings

I know that some babies are reading at 17 months and Nora is already an old nineteen month old, but tonight, she counted to three! I'm not saying she understands mathematics or is doing anything but repeating, but I'm still one impressed mama.

randomness

taking a page from Amanda and Jess (who were really taking a page from me, so what does that make this? total sidenote: that kind of crazy talk always reminds me of charlie manson)

random things about me

• I chew gum for like a minute before spitting it out. I really only like that first burst of flavor. Its so good, it ruins every chew after.
• I'm a known call screener. Yeen taught me that if I pay for a convenience (say, a phone) I should make sure it's MY convenience.
• I played holocaust as a kid. And had the neighbor kids join in.
• I tend to play all or nothing but really desire balance.
• I can cook. I choose not to most days.
• I'm pretty fascinated by the daily lives of others.
• I can sleep more than anyone I know.
• When I was little my older siblings called me chilipop. It made me cry. That made them use it more often.
• I can be very fearful.
• I can also be crazily brave.
• I stole one thing in my life. A little 2" plastic CPK cheerleader figure thing. It was in my school colors. I still feel guilty about it.
• I've been a victim of crimes.
• I love rules for other people.
• I love my badass Mona.
• I feel like I'm always waiting for the shoe to drop.
• I don't believe in hell.
• I only eat the top of cakes, muffins, and donuts. Same goes for Oreos, only add the middle.

best things about my dad

When I was a kid, he'd draw up plans for 'playhouses' at my direction. Multiple story creations with classrooms, fire poles, slides, and gymnastic areas. He never once told me it couldn't be done.

He always says, "Sarah's Dad can do anything!" and what's better than that is that he tells all seven of us the same thing (with proper names, of course)

I think he tells all of us that we're his favorite.

He has nothing and gives everything.

He makes up jokes. They may not be funny but I get a kick out of imagining him tossing ideas around.

When I was little, he threw pennies ahead of us when we were on walks so that I could find them. I didn't realize this until I was an adult.

He's all Mr. Niceguy for the most part but then can crack the bitchiest comments.

He loves my mom. Like a LOT.

In the glint of his eyes, you can see the little boy that he was.

He worked all day as a carpenter (and later as a custodian) and still had time and energy to play HORSE with me before dinner.

I'll add to this...

no more than you can handle

My dad is still very ill. We're waiting for the VA to issue an order so that he can have the proper tests to figure out what is wrong. The pulmo thinks that his body is not ridding itself of carbon dioxide properly. If this is the case, the 'solution' is a respirator. Not only is the news that difficult, we must wait for the opportunity for this.
Joe is away on a business and I'm having problems with bdsatan and Nora just threw up all over me. I've gotten her all cleaned up and tucked here on the couch with a movie. If she falls asleep, I think a good cry is called for.

smoosh 'em

Today I had my first mammogram. Because I was adopted, my doctor wants to treat me as if I have a family history of cancer and other issues. Having one made me feel both old and energized. Whenever I have any sort of physical exam, I leave feeling like I might have superpowers AND I'm super responsible AND should minimally be given a parade. I understand that pain is a very individual thing, but I must say that for me, the mammogram wasn't bad at all. A couple positions were less than comfortable, but that's it. Prior to doing the actual thing, they marked scars with the cutest stickers you ever saw. I kept them.

Remember sticker albums?

phew.

I'm so glad to put this week to bed. So glad that I'm putting it to bed a day early as I don't have to 'work' tomorrow (only clean, shop, etc., etc.) Random stuff:

• I must credit bdsatan for being less than an asshole this week. I'm sure he'll doubleup next week.
• Today, Yeen and I made time to have lunch together -- what a relief that was.
• Easter is almost here and I'm just thinking about a dress for Nora. Am I always going to be behind on this kind of stuff?
• J's mom wants me to manager her finances for her. To include having her pay DD'ed into my accounts and paying the bills...

I'm too tired to do any of this justice. night chall.

All of the People I Wish I Had Not Trusted

RR and all R's

BD

ER

SR

CM

BS

ER

NH

List Yourself

With the major drama over, I'm on to lighter things.

I just saw a book called "List Yourself" ~ it's simply a book with prompts for you to write lists about yourself... Some of the examples provided were:
List All the People You Wish You Hadn't Trusted
List What Heals Your Aching Soul
List those Moments in Nature that Remind You of Your Connection to the 'Big Picture
List All the Times You've Hit the Jackpot
List All the Foods, Candy, and Other Treats You Loved to Snack On (as a child)
List All the Foods You'd Eat if Guaranteed You Wouldn't Get Fat
List all the idiotic things you've done for money
List all the phone calls that changed your life
List all of the rumors you have started
List the names you have been called endearing, and not so
List how you feel when you have been lied too
List all of the people who love you for who you really are
List the things you would change if you could change history
List the things you hide when friends come to visit

I'm thinking these are blog worthy... Maybe I'll go order the book.

frozen

If asked, I'd say I am experiencing a reasonable amount of worry over today's surgery. However, I sit here absolutely frozen. Really not even thinking. Shutting down is my way of telling me to take it easy (or catatonia awaits?) I'll just breathe. And move forward.

this is me hating the rules

My dad has to have surgery. This makes me want to go into asylum fetal mode. My dad has been sick forever; and honestly, doing anything is almost too much for him. I can't imagine how surgery would go or if they'll even do it. I know that many people have faced and endured tragic losses. Losses that are incomprehensible and gargantuan compared to my own. But I don't care. I want to scream at the world that it's unfair. That a man who worked his fingers to the bone to support seven adopted children and still made time for bedtime stories and 'horse' should catch a break here and there. I know there are no special passes on the rules of the world and beyond, but I certainly don't have to like them.

Hair is overrated. BFFs are not.

Yeen and I were bitching about haircuts and trying to remember the last haircut we had received that we liked. We both remembered it at the same time... Ft Wayne... the razor special curly cut.. that puppy... waving ever so coolly (if the window had been open).

About seven (or ten, or whatever) years ago, I read about a new method that was being taught for cutting curly hair. I assume that I would have read this in Sassy (magazine) because I can't imagine any other magazine spurring me into action. For some reason, Sassy made me do shit. (Like handmake tiedyed stationery or drive to Canada.) So anyhow, I read about this method and started searching for someone near me to do it. At the time, I lived in Oak Park and was sure I'd be able to find someone in Chicago. Fortunately, it wasn't that easy. Rather, I found someone in Ft. Wayne, IN -- three and a half hours away. Also fortunately, I was blessed with Yeenie who took the location as a challenge. We made our appointments and then spent at glorious day road tripping for fabulous haircuts in nowhereville.

Great memories. Great haircuts. Greatest of friends.
maybe it's time for another trip

fuzzy cuddly warm old heart

that's what I've got this evening. Because Jordan said that he was planning on going to school here next year. He said something casually... like, "it would be weird to just come here for one semester and then disappear..." I agreed and said that my dad always told me not to fix what wasn't broken. He plans on going home over the summer which scares the hell out of me. But all of that worry will wait for another day. Tonight? It's just me and my fuzzy heart.

Even the Big Man rested on the seventh day...

This weekend we had no plans. Nothing. Zippo. Nada. We cleaned today and I got the groceries. Joe and Jordan played Risk. I played on the computer. Nora played and napped like a champ. Tomorrow, we'll go to church. That's it.


It's been the best time I've had in the longest. We need a break. I love everyone and want to spend more time with all, but man, this is nice. It's absolutely luxurious.

the best 18 months there ever was

Nora had her eighteen month check up today and tomorrow is the 'official' day. Its simply unbelievable. She weighed in at 22 lbs 9 oz and measured 32 7/8 inches (doc said that its something like 47 and 95 percentile, respectively.) The checks for the A word were all fine for now and the doctor was impressed with the number of words she can say. SO impressed that I'm doubting myself. So, I'm listing them, yet again:

Animals and Sounds Kitty, Meow, Duck, Quack, Cow, Moo, Sheep, Baa, Birdie, Tweet, Bee, Buzz, Hop, Roar, Snap, Dog, Ruff, Oink, Elephant Sound, Fish, Bug, Mona, Monkey
Body Eye, Teeth, Hair, Eyebrow, Cheek, Mouth
Characters Nemo, Pat Pat, Eebee, Pooh
Clothing Sock, Shoe, Coat, Boots
Food and Eating Milk, Water, Bottle, Cheerios, Spoon, Fork, Plate, Cookie, Banana, Bread, Eat
Household and Toys Light, Wall, Sink, Book, Ceiling, Block, Movie, TeeVee (BLUSH), Chair, Blanket, Bed, Bath, Shower, Swim, PeekABoo, Phone, Ball
Nature Snow, Tree, Sky
People Mom (and many variations), Dad (and many variations), Grandma, Grandpa, Johna, Joe, Baby, and Obama
Phrases and Miscellaneous Nigh Nigh, Hi, Bye, Where Go?, AhdunNo, Please, More, No, Yes, Sit, Go, Up, ThereItIs!, Pretty, Here, Change, Cold, Hot, All Gone
Transportation Car, Jet, Choo Choo

It's all good. If you can keep up.

Phew. Things are going at an alarming pace and yet when I sit back and consider them, there isn't anything that I'd realistically remove from my list. So the trick, for me, is to learn to love it all in little, fast pieces and to give myself a break when I accidently trip sometimes while running a marathon, juggling torches, with a baby on my hip.

How does everyone else do it with such grace?

maybe its february

Or maybe its all too much. Maybe its depression, winter, politics, war, pms, or work. Or maybe I'm just tired. Whatever it is, I feel so lifeless. The last couple of nights I've made sure to get to bed on time thinking that lack of sleep was the problem. But its not. Everything feels like it requires such a monumental effort. It is times like these that I hate having a history of depression because I just wonder, "doesn't everybody feel like this sometimes?" I bet they don't all sit around pondering every aspect of it. I bet they just make the monumental effort and get on with their sadsack selves. Which is what I want to do. Because I'm sure its going to be better just around the corner...

and on a completely other annoying note, i cannot remember the rules for its, it's, etc.

A State of Mind.

Being sick, that is. I was so sick yesterday. I couldn't imagine that I'd feel so much better today. It's kind of a weird thing because I have, of course, been sick in the past and each time I have gotten well. How is it that when you're in the middle of something, you just can't see your way out? When I thought of all I'd need to get done I just wanted to crawl under the covers. Today, I'm still achey and dizzy, but I look forward to the challenge. I wish knowledge like this would stay with me when I actually need it. Like yesterday. When I envisioned having to quit my job and living in squalor because I couldn't leave my bed...

Update to the Taxicab Massacre that Never Was

I didn't tell Joe about the cab because I wanted Jordan to tell him and I wouldn't be home in the evening. Evidently, Jordan told him right away and Joe said, "Aunt Sarah paid for that?" He said that Jordan said, "No! I did. It was my responsibility!" Joe said he looked SO proud. What a kid.

Also, Jordan had been saving up for Bathing Apes shoes and the cab ride made him just short of being able to order them this week. Lesson learned.

I hope.

Please don't let the driver be a murderous maniac.

Because I made Jordan call a taxi because he got up late and missed his bus. Poor thing is waiting out there in the cold now. Without a jacket (although he does have a hoodie on that he counts as a jacket). In the snow. I think he's just trying to make me feel bad.

When I ran into him in the dark hallway naked (thankfully it was DARK) and he told me he had missed his bus, I told him to let me get a shower and then I'd take him. (Side note: without the missing the bus thing it would be funny because we were talking through a wall.) In the shower I started figuring all of the my coordinates (mom coming to babysit at 8:30, deposition pre-meeting at noon downtown, school starts at 7:30, Nora hasn't been waking until 7:45, and on and on and on). Then, it hit me. I had not gotten up late. In fact, I had gotten up early. Got out of the shower, gave him the phone book open to taxis and a sheet with our address and school's address and told him to call around.

The good thing about this solution is that I didn't have to be mad at him. We could joke about how much it sucks to wake up late. Or, at least, I thought we were cool. Until he left without saying goodbye while I was on the phone...

I would love to really know what he thinks about all of this. Does he know that we're just guessing and trying to do our best? That we don't know the answers either?

Some good things about our relationship (to make me feel less bad): he tells me about little spats at school (for instance, Carly wasn't talking to him yesterday and he doesn't even know why), he cracks me up, he gets my humor, he's so kind to Nora, he really wants to do his best, I love this kid. And I know he'll forgive me a taxi cab.

One day.

Words Nora Says

So I don't forget:
Mom (and all variations), Dad (and all variations), Kitty, Snow, Tree, Nigh Nigh, Milk, More, Please, Various Animal Sounds (quack, meow, elephant, tweet, moo, baa, buzz, hop, roar), Light, Wall, Sink, No, Go, WhereGo?, AhdunNo, Cheerios, Nemo, Baby, Car, Book, Eebee, Eye, Sit, Pat Pat, Up, Bye...
I feel so bad... that's all I can remember right now. :(

Places I've Worn My Slippers

Back story: SteveDad got us a Kmart card for Christmas and our Kmart exceptionally sucks.

We went and bought diapers and such one day to use the card up. I also bought an ugly ass pair of slippers. They're faux moccasins in dark brown with pink piping -- cute, so far, right?--well, right up until the major pink bling on the tops of them. Major. For real. Anyhow, they were on clearance (surprise) and my feet are always cold in my office so I bought them for that specific room thinking that it didn't matter what they looked like.

TGI Fridays
Target
Gas Station
Local High School
Grocery Store
Post Office
Truck Stop (OK -- probably not a big deal)

Those are the places I can remember off the top of my head. Public places where I have worn slippers. Because guess what? They are so freaking comfortable they make me forgive the bling and lose all self-consciousness and sense of style.

I should go see if they have any more of them...

Just Breathe Already

I just have to accept that my 'new' life is full of schedule glitches that make my 'old' life a bit more difficult. Picking up after football, dropping off at youth group, baby sitter's dental appointments, pediatrician, guidance counselors, LIFE. That's all. It's just life. And it's my life. It's just a new adjustment and as someone who is anti-change, it makes me breathe a little too shallowly. Really. What would happen if I didn't do something right when someone wanted me to? And do I care?

Order! Order! I call order!

I need order today. There are too many things that need my immediate attention. Multitasking in these instances would not be helpful. I just need to get them straight and then tackle them.

Shriners Letter and Check
bdsatan's W2 prep
go downtown for W2 printing
Tax Software Installation
Thank you note to Grandpa Lloyd
IBA postcard
Rebate
Taxes for Sue, Carla, Bridg, Barb, Carla, M&D, Becca, Susie, Nise, Kristen, Y, Maya, and us
Check on Check Order
CB Ent Book Order
CB Promotional Flyers
AK Salary Increase
emails
Family Party Gifts
Family Party Dish
Mail
Ebay
Payroll
Payroll Printing
CRS
Vision Insurance
C&B O
Coat for Jman
Calculator for Joe

OK. Writing them tinily (not a word, I know) makes me feel like they're surmountable. I'll just do them. One at a time as I choose. Why I'm blogging this is really beyond me. A legal pad and pen would probably do in this case... All will be well.

On other and better notes, Nora said "Please" last night for the first time. It was the sweetest. She's been signing it for a while, but this is the first time she said it aloud. I did a little dance with her even though it was bedtime.

As I've updated this throughout the day, I'm pleased with what I've accomplished. I so wish I didn't have to go downtown tonight. It's so boring to go at night. The streets are dead, no one is in, and its cold, to boot.

11:33 pm
Final Edit
Dude. I totally rock.

He's a Prince

Jordan went to youth group last night and came home in an exceptionally great mood. We all laughed over a late dinner and then he took his shower and went right to bed. He was up early enough this morning to shower, get ready, and even have EXTRA time to watch videos and hang out. I'm so proud of him. He is also requesting extra work to earn money for special clothing which he informs me is very expensive... FIFTEEN dollars. I'm so enjoying these conversations because he's so earnest. And has absolutely no clue that the shirts I know he wants run $40 - $60. I have a package coming for him with a new outfit and workout clothes. I can't wait for him to get it!

Speaking of proud, Joe starts his new job today. I actually got to SEE him before he left for work. That alone is worth the change. I'm so proud of him. I surely lucked out when I found him. Best ever.

My Artiste

Nora is coloring now. Last night, she sat on my lap while I did some work on my laptop. She ws just using my pen on a manila folder. When she was done, she bent over the paper very purposefully and spit on the paper and then smeared it around a little. And then, was done.

I'm envisioning NEA funding, protested exhibits, and even more black turtlenecks. I'll photograph it later. Any mom would be proud.

And... the honeymoon is over...

just that quickly, too. I woke him at 8, it is now 8:30 and he has yet to grace us with his presence down here. Not a big deal -- just frustrating. :P

Who doesn't love a honeymoon?

Jordan moved in Saturday. We got his room together and worked on making it cool and not a guest room. As a family, we've watched movies (make that moviE as Nora has fallen in love with "Mo" and demands to watch Nemo over and over), shopped, gone to church, did a house project, played games and you know what? It's been wonderful. We had a family meeting yesterday and made our schedule and menu for the week. Next family meeting, we're going to discuss each of our responsibilities and expectations.

Nora and Jordan get along famously and always have. It's so cute to see her make a sullen 14 year old smile and laugh and put Nemo on AGAIN. One day and already she's wearing her britches all gangsta imitating her fav cousin. :P

Jordan went to Sr High youth group last night against his will and when I picked him up, he confessed it was fun. They played dodge ball and then had a short meeting. I asked him what the meeting was about and he said he didn't listen because it was for Sr High and he's a freshman. LOL. I love him. Truth be told? At this moment, if C demanded him back, I'd be heartbroken.

how YOU doin`?

I'll tell you how I'm doing. Just fine, thank you. While I was driving around today it occurred to me that I really am fine. I'm content, calm, happy, peaceful -- all those nice things we all strive for. I'm all of these things at the height of bdsatan's bullshit, adding a child to the family, dad's illness, blah blah blah (as if listing troubles will increase my peace!) This sort of self contained calm is just what I've been searching for.



I'd worry about losing this feeling but that would just be silly.

Questions I've been meaning to answer, Part 1

1) You pull double shifts taking care of everyone else, yet you neglect yourself. What drives you to do this? Guilt that you're not spending enough time with your kids? Concern that you're falling behind in your career? List three reasons why you feel you can't slow down.
I neglect myself in the following ways: 1) I do not exercise, 2) I do not eat properly, 3) I do not get enough sleep, 4) I don't give myself credit for all that I do accomplish, 5) I easily hate myself for doing or not doing these things. I've never been sure why I do it. I feel as though I'm out of time and I suppose, that if I were to do all of those things, I'd be selfish given the time constraints of life. Some of it also feels like self-sabotage. Anyhow. Why can't I slow down? Because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not doing enough and I'm afraid of disappointing. I guess I'm afraid of losing everyone and everything if I don't do the right thing. Now imagine you have to slow down. What would happen?
I would hope that I'd find out that I'd lose no one and that the things that matter remain. It would be such a big adjustment emotionally, socially, and financially. I can't honestly say that it wouldn't be an improvement.

Goodbye Ron

Ron M. passed on. He was found in his truck on the 27th and they say that he passed on the 24th. My heart aches for Marilyn and his family. His battles are over which gives me some measure of peace. The reminder of the brevity of life steals that peace and then kicks me.

A Fresh Year...

There's nothing I like better than a clean slate. I love new notebooks, clean mirrors, and the little ache that you have after the dentist cleans your teeth. Along these lines I'd expect to like this holiday more than I do. To me, New Year's Eve is such a set up for disappointment. If you miss the kiss at the correct second, if you break the resolution too quickly, if a hangover isn't what you needed to start off fresh... you have to wait a WHOLE year to correct it. I tend to ignore the holiday and go to bed on time. The only disappointment that remains is everything being closed for a holiday I'm not acknowledging.

Who decides what is too much?

Today we moved furniture around to make room for Nora's outdoor slide in the living room. It will be great fun for her but for some reason I'm already dreading any judgments on it. People say she's spoiled, but seriously... if it wasn't even her IDEA, it can't be spoiled, can it? Anyhow, that's my own issue - why do I try to imagine how people are judging me? If they don't tell me, what does it matter?

Some Foods I'd Better See on the Milk Carton SOON

Random food thoughts (maybe I'm PMS'ing?)

• Was I the only one who loved jello popsicles? There used to be pudding pops and jello pops. And the jello pops kicked any other kind of pops' ass.
• There were some bear claws in Texas that almost justified the state's existence. Here, I've found some "Texas Bear Claws" but only to have my heart broken.

My biggest fear is finding them and learning that they don't live up to the memory like Twinkies and EVERYTHING that Joe remembers his mom making as a child.

Did I mention that I have a cold and can't taste a damn thing? Luckliy, I keep eating hoping to TASTE something.

It's a Boy!

Surprise! It's a BOY! A strapping fourteen year old boy! We have been given custody of our nephew for the time being --- it's strange because the idea has been tossed around for quite a while and nothing ever happened. Now it seems that overnight, I'm meeting with school officials and cleaning out closets and trying to figure out just HOW much a fourteen year old eats. I'm not sure that parenting a one year old qualifies us for this, but we'll all land on our feet. All of those details will fall into place and we'll all grow and learn together. I'm oddly calm about the whole event. We adore him and already know that he fits well into our family. I don't mean to be naive or discount his 'problems', but I just feel really at peace.

I explained to him that if I ever had a boy, I had planned on calling him Robert and would he mind? Evidently, he would mind...

Oh, well. He'll always be Bobby in my heart.

It's a GIRL!

Nora covers her mouth now. She also carries my old purse around and wears necklaces just about every second she's awake. She plays with her tractors and cars just the same that she plays with her "people." She feeds her babydoll and helps her walk. It's not that boys don't or can't do these same things, it's so funny to see just how girl she is.

Even when she's cranky, she's a joy for me. I can't believe I get to witness her life.

Up too late

I can't believe that I've dropped something that benefitted my life directly. It's been like a month? Seriously, of COURSE I can believe it. That's where I totally suck. Whenever something is good for me, I drop it like a hot potato. Ain't none of that good stuff gonna' mess me up.